The Whats What, Volume 168

Hey folks. Shorter updates during the next two months because of the holiday season.  If I didnt answer your question by reply mail, I might be saving it for next month.  Hope you and yours have a happy and safe one.    

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Jon Stewart signed a 4 year deal with HBO.  What you think?   -Gr8Escape

I thought he was really going to take some time off, but he probably feels bad because Donald Trump is still in this race and Trevor Noah is awful.  I welcome him back, but Jon Oliver is absolutely killing it over there.  The whole thing seems wonky, but Ill give whatever hes doing a shot.  

Any first world problems this holiday season?  -CanadiAnne

Oh my God, only the most firstest world problem ever.  I  bought a dozen macarons from this fancy downtown Salem bakery on Friday before Thanksgiving for $25, thinking Id take them home to family for a snack to share. Yes, thats fucking $2 a cookie, like 2 bites each. But they are fantastic. Turns out they wouldnt last that long and I had to eat a dozen of the most luxurious cookies by myself between Sunday and Tuesday.  I was an asshole stuffed with amazing baked goods.

How often do you drink alcohol, and how much? -LikwidGreen93

Whenever Im at fancy dinners or social events. Couple times a month, maybe.  How much depends on how Im feeling at the time, usually 2 or 3 drinks.  I had 2 or 3 Jamesons during Thanksgiving  after fasting all morning in preparation for the meal.  Then my wife broke out cider and caramel vodka cordials, so I topped off with one of them.  I stopped because I wanted to keep my wits for dinner.   I was having fun, but eyes on the prize, you know?

Do you have to trade toys when Geocaching?  -SugarComa11

No, but thats a fun part for me, so I do.  Its not essential to the experience.  We just get happy meals and keep the toy wrapped. Or sometimes Ill just put a quarter in a bubblegum toy machine as Im leaving the store. Theres a shoebox in my car full of little random toys.  You dont have to trade anything. Even if you see a little toy or trinket, you can take it without anyone calling you a cheater or whatever. Its all about having fun, and if a tiny rubber alien is going to bring you some small amount of joy then you fucking pocket that pencil topper and rock on.

I read that Jimmy Fallon is an alcoholic.  Didnt see that coming.  -Itab

Yeah, I can see that as hes kind of a man child, and so goofy youd think substances would be almost counter-productive.  But after I saw him playing beer pong on his show with celebrities, I kind of got the hint, and apparently its the most open secret in Hollywood since John Travolta.  And what a slap in the face to that tea-totaler, Johnny Carson. I like how everyone is pretending that employment as “Late night talk show host” requires sobriety.  But, there’s self-righteousness to be had, I guess.

Would you rather suck 1 horse sized human dicks or 100 human sized horse dicks?  -Saywhaaaaa

I’d rather play video games and eat dessert, but Im going to assume this is a “gun to the head” situation and say the one giant dick.  Sucking one hundred dicks sounds like practice to me. 

Jon Batiste & Stay Human Ruin The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I hate that guy with his piano harmonica. Am I supposed to be impressed with that silly instrument? That guy is so weird and out of place. -INTRESIS

The music is great for the show, hes a fine bandleader, and his energy and tone are a perfect fit to Stephen, but Jon Baptiste is completely devoid of any acting chops or comedic skill.  The melodica is also dumb for a television bandleader. He can have the exact same size toy piano with a pedal or wheel or something to control modulation so it comes off gimmicky and like a novelty.   It looks like he duct taped two Fisher Price instruments together that he grabbed from a nearby preschool to bring onto a nationally televised show. It would be fine if he was making an album or on the radio, but television accompanies music with pictures and its fucking distracting to see him playing with toys.  The Fisher Price Xylophone is an actual instrument used by actual musicians (albeit a small number of them). It also doesnt have a place on television when you want to be taken seriously as a musician.

Give me a billion dollar idea.  -Ctrl.Alt.Repeat

A remake/version of JackAss with a female cast would make a billion dollars, right?  Youd have to have a couple sexy ones to make a billion dollars, but factoring in worldwide receipts, I bet you break the three comma mark.

The What’s What, Volume 1oo

I live on the gulf coast and I have some investment capital.  You consider yourself smart, any ideas to capitalize? -Roarseed

I’m omitting purchasing stock in BP.  Sure, its at its lowest and will go back up, but let’s say you have a conscience.  Also, I’m going to forgo any idea revolving around capitalizing on desperation, ignorance, and fear.  Granted, there is A LOT of opportunity if you have no scruples about screwing your neighbor who’s already broke, but I’d rather not advocate them.  Boil it all down, I come up with a half dozen ideas.  The one I think would make the most profit is investing in Freshwater Sportfishing.  Right? Marine Sportfishing is a billion dollar a year industry.  All these people will have to find new hobbies. Changing your hobby from saltwater to freshwater fishing doesn’t take a lot of knowhow adjustment, but it will cost uber dollars. Lures/Bait, poles and especially, boats are very different. Hell, even the line is different.  That’s what I got.  Good Luck with your life down there.

what will people think of Derek Fisher in 10 years? one of the best ever or just in the right place at the right time? most people thought kobe couldn’t win a ring without shaq, i think he can’t win one without d fish -kid_chilly

An astounding number of people I hear talk about Derek Fisher didn’t like him until they hear about his daughter, and then they don’t talk about how much they hate his personality anymore and instead talk about his daughter.  Right now, I think he’s an asshole who exploits his daughters condition for America’s good graces. 10 years? I’m not sure.  Hit me back in 10 years.

Your stance on abortion? -g4m3rg1rl

I can’t believe it’s taken 100 updates and three years for this question to make an appearance.  Weird.  Men have a habit of leaving pregnant women instead of manning up, so women should be allowed to have abortions. Personally, I’m disgusted by women who weigh it as an option while rationalizing having unprotected sex, which happens a lot more than we’d like to admit.  Ultimately, it’s a woman choice, and I feel like only women should have the right to vote on this issue.  The globe can’t afford more unwanted people in the resource sink.  Its voluntary population control, so bring that on in full effect.  I find it hypocritical when people don’t want abortions, but then don’t want to support the social programs to give the baby a fair shot at a decent life.

Did you get a chance to play the new Super Mario Wii?  Reaction?  -Glocktypus

Awesome and challenging when playing alone. Frustrating and a disaster when playing with friends.

Diane Lane is the hottest cougar on planet, currently.  All other opinions are currently invalid.  -EcklesBee3

Something about her trusted roles as strong mothers that always put her in weird territory with me. Also, her spot on Boston accent might have something to do with it. I’m sure others have a celebrity that they recognize the physical attractiveness of and just don’t have a sexual urge to plant. Like resembles a sister or ex that you hate or something.

Kobe Bryant has some of the ugliest children ever. -lezzeeneeus

They are remarkably ugly. I said the same thing when I saw those things on his lap, as anyone in the room with me at the time can attest.   They look like trolls.  Not mythical trolls, but actual “Trolls” those pencil toppers from the 80s.  It’s a good thing they’re rich.

I kind of hope a solar flare destroys a bunch of satellites.  I’d love to watch people’s reactions when their GPS doesn’t work, their cell phone can’t make calls, and when they can’t dick around on apps all day. -Corrosieve

I geocache, so the GPS would completely disassemble my favorite hobby. But, it would allow everything to start over from scratch and I bet there would be a lot of improvements.  Would I take the destruction on my hobby for a year or so if it made things better?  That’s a tough one.

This dude in the stall next to me had no brotiquette.  I’m trying to take a piss, and he’s trying to discuss the decor of the restroom with me. Dude, you do not talk to the guy next to you in the bathroom. -WhoresShoeChamp

The decor? Thats an offense of brotiquette as it stands. What the hell could have possibly been so amazing about that bathroom that he started talking to you?  I mean, if he asks you for the time or if you know a local sports score, that’s one thing.  But wall treatments and shit?  You should have peed on his shoes.

The What’s What, Volume 63

Have you ever tried breast milk after being a baby? -cocakratos

I slept over a friend of mines house and in the morning he put his wifes breastmilk in my coffee. I barely noticed a difference, he thought I was gonna spit it out. When he told me I looked him straight in the eye, drank the rest of the coffee, and told him her boobs were delicious.

NO NOT CHRIS MCKENDRY, Bring back Hannah Storm.  -CircusBest

Both those ladies are worthless for sports reporting.  They are like robots who can’t pronounce athlete names.  Erin Andrews and Linda Cohn own them.

Have you ever hit a girl? -DJBizzle

Yes, twice.   Once, I instinctively slapped a girl who just spit water in my face to prove to her friends she was a bad ass or had the upper hand on me or something.  I’m not exactly sure why, but it was premeditated and juvenile.  And it wasn’t really like I hit her, more like I pushed her by the face, but there was a loud slap.  The other time was because a different girl asked me to several times during sex, so I did.  She had to convince me over time it’s what she wanted, but I eventually did.

A 3some with two 5’s or a 1-on-1 with a 10? -ElectoralUniversity

I have had both experiences. And I’m gonna say the three-way for a couple reasons.

1.) It’s more likely that you get a 10 drunk enough or generally vulnerable enough to plug her at some point in your life time. I have had 2. One as a girlfriend, and another as a one night stand.

2.) One the door is shut and the lights are off 2 sets or hands and holes is just ridiculously fun, and the likelihood you are going to get another opportunity for this is far less likely.

Mind you, during my threesome one was a 6 and the other an 8. But, I can’t ignore my own experiences. I guarantee that if you were really given that option, once its over, you’d regret not picking 2 girls. You’ve had sex with a hottie before. You’ve never been knuckle deep in two girls at the same time, or balls deep in one while being molar deep in the other.

Better Head Coach: Urban Meyer or Pete Carrol? -GestapoMotorCompany

Urban Meyer, 2 reasons.

1.) Recruits well in a really competitive state. Pretty much anyone who is talented and wants to live in Cali goes to USC these days.

2.) Not a proven failure in the NFL.

Name food combinations that sound odd/disgusting but are great in reality. -LynchPin321

Watermelon Sherbet and chocolate chips, my all time favorite.

have you ever been cheated on? If so, did you actually love the girl that did it to you?  my girl did it to me last month, during one of our “down” times. it really hurt me but i took her back… would you ever take back a girl if she cheated on you? -CooliosDreds

Yes, and I was in love with her. I would never have known about the cheating, if she wasn’t blackmailed into telling me by someone she trusted.  I owe the blackmailer a lot, she was the only one offering me the truth, as underhanded as the way she presented it was.

I didn’t have the option to take the girlfriend back. She had already decided to leave me when she started banging other dudes, yes, plural. She just needed me to help her move, get her high, eat her out, and buy her things until she had the nerve to dump me.  I wasn’t upset at the cheating as I was the way she handled it and treated me in the process.  She got a STD test, and I accepted that she cheated on me then, and didn’t really care all that much about the sex.  I was more interested in repairing what made her cheat, but again, she has resigned the relationships failure and portrayed an interest in fixing the relationship to continue taking advantage of my generosity.

Luckily, I had sex with the blackmailer (and unwittingly assisted the blackmail) a handful of times, and I had lost so much respect and just general interest in the ex-girlfriend, because of the callous way she treated me, it became a celebrated blessing that she was gone, never to resurface in my life for even a casual hello.   Again, in my story, I didn’t see the cheating as the serious problem.  It was the way she so easily resigned herself to using and disrespecting me  after advertising to our family and friends how much we were in love at the time that really opened my eyes to the type of person she was capable and, apparently, comfortable being.   That feeling of betrayed trust was far worse than her sleeping with some guy I didn’t like to begin with.

What’s opinion on Gordon Ramsay?-Vadilla

Don’t know, never met him. I have had his food once and it was fantastic.  If he really is how his TV shows portray him, then we would not get along, professionally. I have worked for chefs like him, and don’t react well to that kind of motivation.

So wait… the recession was caused by people buying things they couldn’t afford on credit. So as part of the recovery, the government creates a program where they encourage people to buy cars on credit they normally wouldn’t? You don’t  see a problem with this? -LittleFather

Prius’ don’t cost as much as a two family, 12 acre Colonial in Lenox, Massachusettts, genius.

If the PS3 sold trophies, I’d probably buy one. –OfficerFoster

They’re a good secondary goal if I’m having a good time with the game. It seems like the design, to allow others to see what games you liked by how far you advanced or how much you play them was overrun by farmers. I bet it sells/rents more games so, I bet the developers like that.

I’m in Boston alone. What should I do? -PeriodicLoveseat

Museum of Science is the bomb. Theres usually a few good IMAX movies playing throughout the day. The planet-arium is good there also.

I would also suggest BU Beach. Which is not actually a beach. Its a field next to Storrow Drive behind BU, and when you lie down and close your eyes, the cars driving by behind you over the hill sound like waves crashing. But, hotties tan there during the summer when the kids are out of school.

If you have a GPS go Geocaching and see some cool landmarks and historical sights, if that stuff interests you.

What near-future events are you most excited for? -Josh9515

In order of appearance; The 6th Annual Perseid MeteOpen (a night golf event during a meteor shower), my friends fantasy football draft party, football sundays, fall weather, and Red Dead Redemption.