The What’s What, Volume 174

News sites are reporting that Caitlyn Jenner is experiencing regret and will transition back to Bruce slowly over the next couple years.  -Go_Spartans

My theory is that he fell in love with a lesbian. He changed genders for her, she shot him down for an actual future vagina.  Now they’re heartbroken, going back to manhood in order to find the right woman. Which means someone who wont feel squicky when he wants to wear skirts and scissor with them bi-monthly.

Did you ever read instruction books when they came with every game? -BlinkingLion

Damn right I did.  Back in the day when games came with manuals, you read the manual while Mom drove you home from Caldor.  Games didnt even have tutorials back then, so youd have to read them in order to know the controls and basics before you started playing.

Why aren’t more people upset over the 07-08 Financial Crisis?  Our economy was royally fucked when Glass-Steagall was repealed, but hardly anyone cares. Banks got a slap on the wrist after the housing bubble, yet are continuing to pull the same shit as last time. They engaged in predatory, morally questionable practices because they knew U.S. would bail them out. It’s infuriating there was no retribution or at the very least, stricter regulation to prevent this in the future. Reports indicate we’re bound for another financial crisis in spite of the regulations Obama passed in 09. -ArmeggeddonTroop

Dude, that shit is so complicated.  Why would people take effort to be upset when getting cranky because Tom Brady is a cheater, the Kardashians exist and gay people being squicky is so much easier?

Cracker Barrel is not that good.  I don’t understand why everyone gets hard over it. -MonsieurLegume

They use legitimate ingredients. The potatoes are real potatoes, the chicken came off the bone and not out of a bag, they use real butter and milk, and not lard/dairy substitute.  The hams are Smithfield. But there are no bells and whistles, either. There are cooks, not a chef. They use salt, pepper, garlic and parsley; that’s it.

So, if you’re looking for flavor country, you might as well get some sesame Jack Daniels frozen wood pulp at TGIFs. But if you’ve been subsisting on nothing but Doritos, snickers and Mountain Dew for days or miles at a time, and want something real at a reasonable value, then sit yourself down.

Why Would Straight Men Become Gynecologists for Any Reason Other Than Getting Paid to Grope Women? -Hystericalifornia

I, for one, would have loved to deliver babies. Earth Ambassador to thousands of tiny humans. I mean after you see a dozen vaginas in a week, I’m sure it becomes something of a blur. If anything it would probably hamper my sex life. Couldn’t warm up that blonde without thinking “Oh, shes got that puffy left labia like Mrs Gunderson.”

Why do people think buying a house is always better than renting?  You’re paying the bank… You’re making a little money but you gotta work for it.  -Rainman1988

By your own reasoning, if you rent you’re just paying a guy to pay his bank for you. You’re making nothing, no matter how much work you do.

The vegan woman who was proving that vegans can do anything died summiting Mt everest.  Thoughts?  -MilkyYay

I’d be surprised if she wasn’t even the first vegan to do it. Just the one who tried to make the most noise about it.

Have you seen the video of Arya from Game of Thrones masturbating? -BananaScissors

My favorite part of these popular hoaxy lookalikes is that some guy from St Paul Minnesota is gonna be all “Ooooh Arya”, get his dick in his hand, press play and see his daughter knuckle deep in herself in the next room over.

New girl at work was checking me out on the elevator.Noticed her glance over and look me over twice. -hushedcasket

She was probably just estimating her chances of getting out of there without being raped, murdered, and her eyeballs replaced with elevator buttons.

The What’s What, Volume 173

I really don’t mind unisex bathrooms. As long as people are polite, and don’t stare at each others junk, what does it matter? To be honest, as a woman, I use the men’s any time the woman’s is full, anyway. Because women’s almost always have a line, and men’s almost never do. -Sertith

Its because urinals for men exist. These being available mean men can pee quicker. I don’t care if a woman sees my back while I urinate, but if we keep these available in unisex bathrooms, there will be longer lines, only you’ll only be sharing the stalls with men who are pooping.  Knock yourself out with that.  I dont think making everyone wait longer should be part of the solution of public bathrooms.  

Also, I like the fact that you said “stare at each others junk” like youre leaving the door open for casual peeks being okay, you perv.

The writers turned Scooby into Shaggy’s jealous girlfriend instead of his best friend. Velma wants to fuck Shaggy so much but he’s too afraid to be with her because he’s worried about what his dog would think. And when Scooby does find out he’s all like “oh so you’re choosing a girl over me?!”. IIRC Shaggy chooses Scooby over Velma in the end and the show pats itself on the back for it.

What were they getting at by writing Scooby this way? -doccommander

They were considering a push towards social acceptance of bestiality before chickens got out.  It was the 70s man. Have you heard of EST? The seventies were fucked up.

So, how have you accepted the death of someone you cared about? How did you cope?  -LickwidGreen

Recognition that it’s perpetually inevitable. Sadness like that is like an atomic bomb going off inside of you. Days of initial shock and emotion.  Slowly, things get better, yet pieces still remain to remind you what was lost. Over longer periods of time the fallout particles of sadness blow away until you are left with the ability to rebuild and fill what was lost.  

Any sympathy for the teenager that cant get a bank account because they have to check either a male/female box on the application?  -BriansWurld

The sign on the front door of the bank clearly says “No shirt, no shoes, no penis, no vagina, no service.”

Do you agree with Harriet Tubman replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill? -negrology

Seems kind of shoehorned in. A little too right on the nose for my liking.  Like, if Americans agreed on a list of people that made America, is Harriet Tubman in the Top 50? She might even not be the highest ranked black female on that list, depending on where you put Oprah.  Sure, its a step in the right direction, but let’s not act like its some sweeping civil rights policy.  I’d rather not even have people at all. Events and locations make America. Putting the World Trade Center on the $20 would probably really stick it to ISIS.  

Is that kid who was removed from his flight for speaking Arabic before takeoff Ahmed The Clock Kid 2.0, or a legitimate victim of Islamaphobia? -TheGreatOne3613

Oh, I doubt he wanted to get kicked off his flight.  Theres no doubt Ahmed wanted to provoke his school.  No one buys a ticket, gets screened, xrayed, needs paperwork, and sits around a terminal for another two hours to make a point.  Thats not the point for me here, thought.  I feel like the people who complain that they don’t feel comfortable on the plane because of someone else, they are the ones who should be escorted off the plane. I don’t understand how you can just point at someone who makes you feel squicky and them just be removed.  That’s bullshit.

Mockingbirds are natures DJs. -Buckeye04

Blue Jay hook is lit, fam.

Has this American election cycle proven anything beyond the amount of polarization? -CanadiAnne

Yes, it exonerates the Bush Administration from any voter malfeasance during the Bush v Gore general election.  Remember the Diebold election company?  Maybe you dont with all noise Katharine Harris and Florida made about hanging chads and everything.  But the claim was that Republicans had rigged voting machines, and there was even a movie made about it that raised some pretty substantial questions.  But thats all wiped away now. If the GOP could scam a general Presidential election, then it should have been able to scam its own nomination process.

Is physical attraction the most important thing in a relationship? -ReplacementTaco

Only if that relationship is for strictly fucking.

The What’s What, Volume 172

Lakers in big trouble!!! Teammate D`angelo Russell Allegedly Records Nick Young admitting he cheats on Iggy Azalea. -KushedOut840

The Lakers are sending Kobe off his career with the franchises worst record ever and a hailstorm of negativity and childish drama.  Seems like a storybook goodbye to me.

Gawker has to give Hulk Hogan a huge settlement.Thoughts?  -EndangeredStranger

It’s not a settlement. They lost their case. They had a chance to settle, and decided their case was strong enough for trial, journalistic integrity and such.  Unfortunately, Gawker did not have any journalistic integrity to reference against. Exposing brothers of state politicians as being gay, and churning the revenge porn guy through the ringer while doing the exact same thing to Hogan didn’t settle well with members of the jury.  Here’s hoping that shithole folds quicker than a methamphetamized origami master.

Should churches be legally forced to perform gay weddings? -Sertith

I was talking about marriage with a girlfriend years before I met my wife and her church had wicked strict standards to get married at. We would have to taken a bunch of classes about marriage in Christ and quizzes and bullshit.  I was all “Not a fucking chance lol”.

My point being if churches can discriminate against Christians getting married, it can sure as hell discriminate against gay people getting married.

Chris Farley vs. John Candy who do you like more? -BlueJarah

I feel like Candys career had mostly hit its high point, where as Farley was more in his prime when he died.  It’s still Candy, though. He could play mean or sad or emotional or heartfelt as good as any actor.  His “I like me” speech from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is the gutsiest thing Ive ever seen from a comedian.

The phrase “LEPRECHAUN PORN” is searched at an 8,152% increase during St Patricks Day than any other day.  I cant believe people actually look for that. -Vegeta1814

I dont judge how my dick chooses to celebrate this holiest of holy days. 

Why do Americans get upset when they learn the NSA is spying on people in foreign countries? -DarkRevenge

I don’t. I think “Angela Merkels private phone? That’s some pretty good snoopin, fellas.”

There’s a certain level of introversion that is only reached upon eating in your car during work lunch break. It’s only when you turn off your interior lights that you see every other sad motherfucker who doesn’t want to go home to their wife and kids chipping away at their McDonalds cheeseburger, nose to the carton like it’s wine from the holy trough of youth. Lambs to the social slaughter. -StuffnThings

I drove to a park where there was fresh air, sinks, nice views, trash barrels, and no one asking me about work shit. Someday I’d sit at a picnic table, sometimes a rock, sometimes on my car, sometimes in. I don’t care what you think about that.

Spring is Here. I’ve seen 3 different pairs of birds fucking today. Such a beautiful thing. -StrangewithSharing

Such poetry.  Could be lyrics from a song from the 80s.  Im gonna go with “humping Blackbirds” by Barry Manilow.

Why is everyone assuming that Richard Simmons got kidnapped?  He’s been in the spotlight since the 60s and he wants to take a break and be a loner for awhile. Big freaking deal! Wouldn’t anyone want a break? Lol -HMaris

We miss him, think it’s okay for him to be gay, and wish we could watch his glittery festive gay ass sweating to the 010’s for our continued unintentional bemusement, but he’d rather middle finger the world and eat smoked salmon off his man harem for breakfast by the pool with Hoda and KathyLee every morning, and I suppose he said earned that right.

 

The What’s What, Volume 171

We need to remember the greatest Super Bowl halftime show ever, Up With People. -DarthErik

Its crazy they played twice.  It was the most conformist the 70s have ever been.  They may have inadvertantly invented camp/corn/unintentional comedy that day.  Its like a 50 year punchline.  Simply amazing.

 

I don’t like the new Rocket League Labs maps. The donut one and the one with the pole in the middle of the goal are just weird. They’re trying to change an already great game. That newest wasteland map is fucking horrible and no one likes it so why add more? -Rossticles

Why do people hate WasteLand? It’s not even radically different. It’s just a little wider, isn’t it? I really enjoy the Mad Max drums when you score a goal.  But I was asking for a horseshoe one and the donut one is kind of it.  I wanted more of a possession focus, and they gave us the breakaway version.  But still, I like them.  The matchmaking system doesnt seem like an improvement at all.  Im in a lot more games I dont have any business being in.  People flying all around and self passing in the air.  I cant even attempt to defend that noise.  We need a non-flying filter.  If it means no turbo, thats fine.

What sunglasses do you use? Oakley? Expensive ass Ray Bans? other? -LightsOut23

I need a prescription, so I buy a fancy pair that lasts a decade. The least iteration was wraparound, athletic. Like pro golfers wear. Comfy. I guess I look a bit goofy, like a Millennial Liberace and shit, but the comfort is worth it.

Did you get to know your grandparents?  I didn’t, my parents had me quite old really. Would have loved to hear one of my grandfather’s stories.  -LiquidGreen39

Not really, but it was only lack of time with my Dads parents, who seemed to enjoy our company.  I have memories of cooking with my grandmother, and playing games with my grandfather.  He died when I was 5 or 6, though, and she died when I was 8 or 9.  My Moms parents seemed kind of unwelcoming. The “kids are meant to be seen and not heard” types.  We got a sloppy kiss from gram and a grunt from grandad by the tv before we were shooed out into the woods for the remainder of the visit.  She came to live with us late in her life when she was confined to her bed, but honestly, I had better relationships with some of her nurses.  She was tough to understand, and when she was coherent, it was always small talk, never anything personal.  I know volumes more about my wifes grandmother, whom Ive only known for a decade, and shes known forever. Our daughter just turned one and is welcomed by her great grandmother.  So weird how generations work.

nerds went to see star wars 7 or 8 times and it still couldn’t beat Avatar. and its not even close  Avatar still GOAT  star nerds IRATE -AcoustoElectric

Its truly a testament to Camerons understanding of the international market.  I dont know anyone that can name a character from Avatar. Like, in real life.  I know people who have never seen Star Wars that can rattle off a half dozen characters.  Avatar is completely under-represented in American pop culture. What a weird phenomenon.

American Crime Story: People v OJ Simpson -The show is reminding me of a lot of stuff that went down leading up to the trial that I’d completely forgotten about like the Shapiro news conference, the stupidity of the Bronco coverage (They must have mentioned Ford Bronco at least 300 tims in that broadcast) and how stupid Kato Kaelin was (why the fuck was he living with OJ anyway?) What do you think of it so far?  -JVGames

The police were acting like OJ made them look like a fool, but I never thought that. I just thought OJ was a crazy mother fucker for killing his wife and her boyfriend and thinking he could escape.  Overall it’s an interesting look at the timeline. I find myself misremembering details about when whatever happened. And Jesus Christ already with the Kardashian kids. I get it. They’re the famous ones now. It’s an interesting thing to mention. Now get them the fuck off my tv. I don’t watch their fucking stupid families tv show for a god damned reason.

What up with all the old secretarys who always act so miserable and rude.  specially in doctors offices  Bitches make me feel like im in the dmv. -KushedOut840

Haven’t noticed that.  I mean, 10% of all people are assholes, so it reasons theyd have 10% of administrative positions too.  If there is a discrepancy and I had to guess, Id say they probably resent the fact they’ve spent their entire professional career being told what to do.

The Whats What, Volume 170

Why do you hate autistic people so much? -AlternativeRainman

I dont hate autistic people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im autistic! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!” I dont hate gay people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im gay! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!”  I dont hate white people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im white! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!”

So everyone, if you are self-identifying as one of those people, Im sorry for the miscommunication, and you can shut the fuck up now.  And if you aren’t, then you werent talking to me, and I wish you good day, you bespectrumed shiny magical unique pink puzzle pieces you.

Whats your favorite Hersheys Miniature? -CanadiAnne

Life is too short to go picking through them. Just grab a few.  The worst thing that will happen to you is a Krackel.  Dont get me wrong, the Krackel is fine.  Its just the runt of the grouping.  Puffed rice is essentially selling you filler.  A bag of miniatures is the one place where being dark is the privilege.

so whats the most ghetto thing your have done such as water in cereal -darklojtone

When we ran out of hot dog buns, id cut a hot dog the long way and fold them between slices of wonder bread.  I never ate water with cereal, I would eat handfuls of cereal.

This couple that won $528 million in the powerball are still going to work at their current jobs.  -RIP_Kobe

Not only would I not go back to work, Id give $1 million to each employee to quit just to royally fuck my boss.

Sell your stocks and embrace for the fall of 2016 -ShiaTheBuff

If you were so sure and so smart, youd be telling us to sell our stock and buy derivatives.

Are human beings innately violent? If we are animals, is it just programmed into us as a means of survival or is it something we, or some of us, learn? -systemicanomaly

For a long time, yes. But now, weve become what we like to call “civilized” meaning violence is generally understood to be a last ditch effort of desperation, usually from a specific deficiency in cognition or willpower. Even in one civilization, there are different generations of evolution at work, though.  So, its tougher work for some to repress certain primal instincts.

Defend those 6 girls with the NI**ER T-Shirts. -Itab

Id just like to defend them by saying they may not be racists. Its more likely kids trying to test their boundaries. They found the most offensive word they could find, because its offensive, not because they are racist. If four of them lined up with F**K, it certainly wouldnt find the traction they currently find themselves in. Its because we as a society have chosen to give the word “nigger” so much weight, that the kids found it amusing. I dont believe they were openly antagonizing black people as much as they were trying to openly antagonize society or school administrators or whoever.

At this point the pro bowl should just be an award and not actually a game.  86 players were invited, 47 declined. The monetary incentive for them is negligible for them, the game is miserable to watch. I can’t imagine it not sucking. What do you think they could/should do to make it interesting? -AJax58

They should absolutely steal the model of the NHL.  Separate positions into Lineman/Linebackers/Secondary/QBs/Etc and have skills competitions.  Keep it consistent so Pro Bowlers not only compete against this years Pro Bowlers, but with scores past.  In 20 years, the next awesome QB from Wisconsin will be beating his hero, Aaron Rodgers, with the last ball through the hoop, or whatever.  Trick shots for QBs and Kickers. Obstacle courses and shit.  Maybe culminating in a 4-team 5v5 flag football tournament. Show the players with their helmets off, smiling, having fun in the sun with their hot wives and perfect kids. Keep it in Hawaii, between Conference champs and Super Bowl. Have Gronk host it. Imagination.  Its an exhibition.  Make it one.

The Whats What, Volume 169

House isn’t that good of a doctor.  I recall him being better. He probably would have gotten a bunch of his patients killed if parents and Chase, Foreman, and Cameron didn’t stand up to him.

Hes not a great doctor. Hes a great diagnostician. He wants the answer to the medical riddle in spite of the patients well-being, not necessarily to aid it. And he will do so at the cost of his patients health, his own health, and any social relationships. Spoiler alert, its kind of the point.

You gave away a pretty good Billion dollar idea last update.  I mean, it wasnt a Billion Dollars.  Probably close.  At least 2/3rds.  I want one.  Can I have one?  -CanadiAnne

Why dont they have temporary advertising tattoos on porn stars?  The hot ones looking like NASCAR drivers covered in PEPSI logos on their backs and Nike swooshes on their feet. Inner thighs prolly make the most money, then boobies.  Think of the vertical branding potential on companies like Target and Siemens.   Some old skanky broad sponsored by the North Eastern Fresno Metro Gas n Snack.  Get in the middle somehow and youre nestled in a billion dollar industry.

What have you done today to make you feel proud? -Pancake_Man

Spent the day developing and bonding with my daughter.  Sometimes Im impatient or lazy or sick, but today weve been very active and doing new things, so Im quite proud of todays effort so far.

I’m switching to another political party.  I’m no fan of the GOP, but after seeing that every Democratic Senator voted in favor of a bill that violates the 5th and14th Amendments, I am fucking done. I don’t care if it was some sort of symbolic vote, that’s fucking retarded and most of these people should be impeached for that. I’m still reluctant to switch to independent because FL doesn’t have open primaries, so I couldn’t vote if I wanted to. -BigRed13

I dont think you know how politics work. Its a giant scale with Republicans on one end and Democrats on the other. The middle 85% is filled with moderates, independents and the apathetic. You dont have to only have 1 and 10 on your political volume level. Give 4 a shot for a while.

Do you play with the Free Parking Rule? -Saywhaaaaa

Yes, but $500 is lunacy. We start with $100 and put all taxes and card penalties in there.

Time to call it a career, Madonna. -NowThisIGotsTaDo

Shes been awful for decades now.  Shes more of a global draw these days. I dont think anyone under the age of 25 in America knows who she is.

There’s a condition where your pee hole is mid shaft rather than at the top of your dick.  1 in 10 men have hypospadias, do you?  -wishful_thinking

No, but that sounds awful.  How do you use a urinal?  On the positive side you could give facials without pulling out.  Wait, no way is it one in fucking ten.  Is this even real?  Im not looking it up.  

Why do people swell on the “creation of AI is the undoing of mankind” angle?  Its like we all have a one track mind.  -DonkeyHammer

Its the only possibility people dwell on because its the one that will kill their species.  If every possibility works out fine for everyone, then we dont have to worry about anything.

i dont like seeing people playing with deer  on my facebook  someone is going to get hurt trying to live like a disney princess  deer are fucking terrible and will instinctively fuck you up if you get in their space  pictures of people playing with lions also seems to be a thing now  stop treating animals like humans pls -maliquenavidad

“OH LOOK ITS FALAFEL P. ANTLERS FROM DISNEYS NEW CHRISTMAS MOVIE “DEER TO DREAM” IN 3D IMAX! IM GONNA GO SNUGGLE HIS WHITE FLUFF AND GET HIS MAGICAL HOLID” *gets back-hoofed in head, cranium explodes*

The Whats What, Volume 168

Hey folks. Shorter updates during the next two months because of the holiday season.  If I didnt answer your question by reply mail, I might be saving it for next month.  Hope you and yours have a happy and safe one.    

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Jon Stewart signed a 4 year deal with HBO.  What you think?   -Gr8Escape

I thought he was really going to take some time off, but he probably feels bad because Donald Trump is still in this race and Trevor Noah is awful.  I welcome him back, but Jon Oliver is absolutely killing it over there.  The whole thing seems wonky, but Ill give whatever hes doing a shot.  

Any first world problems this holiday season?  -CanadiAnne

Oh my God, only the most firstest world problem ever.  I  bought a dozen macarons from this fancy downtown Salem bakery on Friday before Thanksgiving for $25, thinking Id take them home to family for a snack to share. Yes, thats fucking $2 a cookie, like 2 bites each. But they are fantastic. Turns out they wouldnt last that long and I had to eat a dozen of the most luxurious cookies by myself between Sunday and Tuesday.  I was an asshole stuffed with amazing baked goods.

How often do you drink alcohol, and how much? -LikwidGreen93

Whenever Im at fancy dinners or social events. Couple times a month, maybe.  How much depends on how Im feeling at the time, usually 2 or 3 drinks.  I had 2 or 3 Jamesons during Thanksgiving  after fasting all morning in preparation for the meal.  Then my wife broke out cider and caramel vodka cordials, so I topped off with one of them.  I stopped because I wanted to keep my wits for dinner.   I was having fun, but eyes on the prize, you know?

Do you have to trade toys when Geocaching?  -SugarComa11

No, but thats a fun part for me, so I do.  Its not essential to the experience.  We just get happy meals and keep the toy wrapped. Or sometimes Ill just put a quarter in a bubblegum toy machine as Im leaving the store. Theres a shoebox in my car full of little random toys.  You dont have to trade anything. Even if you see a little toy or trinket, you can take it without anyone calling you a cheater or whatever. Its all about having fun, and if a tiny rubber alien is going to bring you some small amount of joy then you fucking pocket that pencil topper and rock on.

I read that Jimmy Fallon is an alcoholic.  Didnt see that coming.  -Itab

Yeah, I can see that as hes kind of a man child, and so goofy youd think substances would be almost counter-productive.  But after I saw him playing beer pong on his show with celebrities, I kind of got the hint, and apparently its the most open secret in Hollywood since John Travolta.  And what a slap in the face to that tea-totaler, Johnny Carson. I like how everyone is pretending that employment as “Late night talk show host” requires sobriety.  But, there’s self-righteousness to be had, I guess.

Would you rather suck 1 horse sized human dicks or 100 human sized horse dicks?  -Saywhaaaaa

I’d rather play video games and eat dessert, but Im going to assume this is a “gun to the head” situation and say the one giant dick.  Sucking one hundred dicks sounds like practice to me. 

Jon Batiste & Stay Human Ruin The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I hate that guy with his piano harmonica. Am I supposed to be impressed with that silly instrument? That guy is so weird and out of place. -INTRESIS

The music is great for the show, hes a fine bandleader, and his energy and tone are a perfect fit to Stephen, but Jon Baptiste is completely devoid of any acting chops or comedic skill.  The melodica is also dumb for a television bandleader. He can have the exact same size toy piano with a pedal or wheel or something to control modulation so it comes off gimmicky and like a novelty.   It looks like he duct taped two Fisher Price instruments together that he grabbed from a nearby preschool to bring onto a nationally televised show. It would be fine if he was making an album or on the radio, but television accompanies music with pictures and its fucking distracting to see him playing with toys.  The Fisher Price Xylophone is an actual instrument used by actual musicians (albeit a small number of them). It also doesnt have a place on television when you want to be taken seriously as a musician.

Give me a billion dollar idea.  -Ctrl.Alt.Repeat

A remake/version of JackAss with a female cast would make a billion dollars, right?  Youd have to have a couple sexy ones to make a billion dollars, but factoring in worldwide receipts, I bet you break the three comma mark.

The What’s What – Volume 167

Japan-based telecommunications company SoftBank Mobile is making purchasers of “emotional robot” Pepper sign a contract stipulating that they won’t commit any lewd acts with the robot. -BrophiesWorld

Can I, at least, make it watch me masturbate?

Give me an unpopular opinion of yours. -RIP_Kobe

I enjoy Shia LeBouf as an actor.  There, I said it.  Hes good comedically. Financial success as an action star. He was straight-up awesome in Fury. Stole the fucking show.  I even respect his attempt at art. Id love to see him in more stuff, but I guess hes an asshole or something. It’s too bad.

Is McDonald’s pancakes the best in the world? -soocoomaster

Scratch is best. Jiffy mix is 2nd. McDs is 3rd.

who would win in a fight to the death between Rodna Roussey and a female Navy Seal? -iconsquoter

I’m not sure of the result, but I do know a group of people who’d pay millions for you to arrange that matchup at one of their estates.

Who is a more talented actor: Bryan Cranston or Kevin Spacy? -ballahz4reyal

There’s no wrong answer. When there’s a question like this, I like to imagine each actor had to play the other in a role.  In this case I think Kevin Spacey would kill it as Bryan Cranston, and Bryan Cranston would be an adequate serviceable Spacey. Spacey by a quarter length.

One of my employees left a pack of cigarettes with a joint in it in my office. Not sure how to handle this. I don’t know who left it here  Weed is legal in Oregon now, but it’s against mall policy to have it on property – they all know this – Darth_Malfeasance

Just tell everyone that you found it on the floor, and it wasnt yours, and remind them all of policy.

Just saw a lady on TV whos face was eaten off by her boyfriends pitbull and now shes carrying the banner for domestic violence.  So sad.  -havoc0o0o

You dont get to be a hero of surviving domestic violence when he puts you in the hospital for unspeakable crimes. Because the cops take him away does not mean you “left him”.  Honey, before it gets too far for you was leaving BEFORE he had his dog eat your face for dinner.

What Im saying is part of this has got to be on you. He didnt walk in your home like a stranger during a home invasion gone wrong. Youre fucking him. Some of this has to cause reflection on your judge of character.

Im not victim blaming, here. He is a monster and she certainly doesnt deserve any of what she got. Im just saying she doesnt get to be held up as some advocate for domestic violence. She didnt make some brave decision. She had the decision made for her.

GF: Hey, do you want to join me for dinner with my grandparents. Completely up to you.

Me: Do you really mean it’s completely up to me?

Her: Yea

Me: Then I’d rather not

Her: Well, I guess I’ll make up a lie to my grandparents then as to why you aren’t going… (Sigh), you know I spent an entire weekend with your family. The least you could do is join us for dinner.

Me: Alright! I’ll go then!

Seriously, just say “I’d really like it if you joined us,” instead of “It’s completely up to you” if you want me to come. I’ll be happy to join if you want me to. But I would rather spend my Friday night doing something else if it was “completely” up to me. -Amorican

There will be a fight in the car on the way over and she will say the sentence, “I didnt want you to come to dinner, I wanted you to WANT TO come to dinner.” If Vegas gave me odds on this shit, Id be on my way to the ATM, right this fucking second.

ABC Family will soon be no more. They’re changing their name. What’s the new name? Freeform. Why? Because they’re progressives and they do want they want, dammit. -svengoolie

They’re just hoping to draw viewers who mishear the channel name as “Free Porn”.  It might just work.

Taylor Swift breaks up with Calvin Harris after he visited a seedy massage parlor. Cant wait to hear the song. -Jack_Daggah

If its not called “Happy Ending” Ill eat this fucking keyboard.

In YOUR sexual experience, which is better: Older or younger partners? -Master_Culkin

Younger, in my history. Older women know what they want and it can be a cookie cutter experience. Younger girls dont know so they try everything. Plus, we had to fuck in cars, and quietly in public and shit. It was just wilder sex. Her Dad is driving us to grandmas house in the front seat, and his daughter is blowing me in the back seat. Shit like this doesnt happen to me anymore.  And thats welcome.  I dont want debauchery from my wife.  Shes the Mother of my Daughter and stuff.  Im all done with sexual craziness. Thats just been my experience. Maybe my own experience includes myself being more cookie cutter with age, too. I know what I like and dont need to try new things.  Im past my sexual peak, too, so a good meal and a full nights sleep is viewed as a higher priority.

discuss death.  whatever your opinion on it is, I want to hear it -pleasegoaway

My theory of death is a mix between evolution and reincarnation.  My grandfather died 40 years ago. I believe his soul goes to get a rest and “youngthening” at heaven (well say for the sake of easy communication).  He retains some of his experience and knowledge on a subconscious level.  If he was a good carpenter, the next person hes born as could pick up carpentry with ease, and things regarding carpentry would feel familiar and instinctive.  Hypothetically, he would return and be born as the soul that entered the physical body of my daughter. (Or any of my nephews and nieces of the bloodline, whenever his turn came.)  This could help explain things like evolution, feelings of past lives, instincts, hereditary traits and deja vu.  Its something like this. I havent nailed down the details.  But this is how I hope it works, and I hold a slight belief that it might.

So apparently there’s a thing going on with churches giving pizza men thousand dollar tips -MacGuyversSon

I think I’d reconsider my tithing during Sunday service were I in their congregation.  I would expect churches to be able to feed more needy people with that kind of money.  Seems kind of lazy philanthropy.

If your wife went to jail for 5 years would you be able to stay faithful in that time and not mess with any other women? -MisterMissFit

Absolutely depends on what she went to jail for.

No Mans Sky announced for June 2016. -BrophiesWorld

With the delay of the announcement, I certainly didnt expect 8 months of wait time between announcement of release and actual release. A little concerned the momentum it has built will be unable to be sustained. E3 is June 14-16th this year. Hopefuly they make it an entire release party.

Lamar Odom spent $75k in 5 days at the Bunny Ranch.  That includes the sex across multiple prostitutes, them spending non-sexual time with him like watching TV, cooking and doing other non-sex related things and apparently going out for dinner.  Damn… that’s a lot less expensive then I thought it would be. -GTAVALACASA

I had no idea you could get a hooker to make you breakfast and shit. I wonder if the hookers cooking skills are well known. Like Taylor knows french toast, Carmens empenadas are well known across the valley, and ShaDynasty makes the meanest spicy fried chicken. I imagine Lamar Odom wanted empenadas one day and he calls the front desk to get Carmen but the hostess is all, “Shes sucking a truckers dick right now, but Ill send her over in 20 minutes.” and hes all “Im too hungry, send that 50 year old redhead Edna to fetch me some cheese and crackers.”

The What’s What – Volume 166

Fallout Shelter is a buggy mess.  Hasn’t worked for two days now. I want to check on my god damn dwellers fucking hell.  -BritaniaPrevails1

I quit when I reached a few over 100 people. Its slowed to a crawl. Dragging people anywhere is impossible. That’s too bad.  I would have built a shelter through the Earth if theyd support it to the point where I could.

How long do you wait on the phone when someone tells you to “hold on”? -MisterMissFit

Depends. Did I pick up the phone and was immediately told to “Hold on for your representative”? I immediately hang up the phone. Do I need something from them? Can I call back later when things are maybe less busy?  Was “Hold on” proceeded by “I’ll give you a duffel bag of cash I found as soon as I get over there if you hold for me”?

Not every asshole is a fan of Boston, but every fan of Boston is an asshole. -Gr8Escape

There are some pleasant Patriots fans. Not me, you’ve got me pegged. I am an unrepentant anus. But, my neighbors. Sweetest old couple ever. And they dont mind of you like the Jets or whatever.

Name your state and the three most important things it has offered society.  -AndroidPrototype

Massachusetts. So, American Independance, Aerosmith and Fluff.

Did you see that nip slip by Miley at the VMA’s?  Right after Ice Cube and his son presented the award to Taylor Swift. I’ve seen her tits enough times not to really care but I just thought it was a pretty big deal since it was being broadcasted to millions of people to see.  -ebevan19

I didnt know the VMAs had happened, and Im going to put zero effort in finding the pic now knowing this information.

What is it about the Giants that makes the Patriots choke? -Sqwared3000

Tom Coughlin is a New England football hero turning around BC in the 80s and 90s. Guess who was in line for the New England coaching job before Belichick spurned the Jets to come back to Foxborough? That’s right, Tom Fucking Coughlin.

Oh hey. Sarah Palin called Black Lives Matter “dogs.”  -Bojo4

But what does Geraldine Ferraro think?  Because her opinion is worth the exact same amount.

Ahmed “The Clock Kid”.  Gauge the level of overreaction. -CanadiAnne

Big ups to Ahmed. He played fraidy cat white America like a fiddle.  Next stop White House, and full scholarship somewhere. Hes taken racism to a satirical and profitable level. He just browned-out Capitalism. Theres really nothing more American.  Not handled well at all by the school administration.  That shit totally backfired.

I don’t think there is a more confounding organization than PETA. A Photographer leaves his camera in the jungle to take pictures of monkeys, the monkeys take selfies so he publishes some of the photos and is now being sued by PETA. They say he needs to pay the monkey( who is the true owner of the photo) damages for stealing the photo that the monkey took on his camera. -DeadlyPenguin

Just settle the case for billions and pay the monkey with a check, he can’t cash it.

Taking anything away from the Popes visit? -kidkanpped

Not really.  I liked him very much before he came here, and I still only saw him on TV.  Hes still awesome.  One criticism.  Hes not a great public speaker.  Youd think the voice of God would have a little chutzpah to it. It could use a little delivery work, is all.

The What’s What – Volume 165

Is it weird to wear white khakis?  I thought I looked good with them but now I feel self conscious. -BaruchCollege

Not between Memorial Day and Labour Day, they say.  If you wear white pants, you better have on a seriously winner shirt.  I bet you looked good.

My problem with liberals is that they have no respect for religious freedom. They claim to be tolerant but if you disagree with them because of faith they call you names. -ChaoticGood1

Its because they are using logic and reason. Disagreeing because of your faith is not a legitimate basis. You dont get to build an argument off of faith because it just a belief. Thats its whole reason for existance. Faith is believing in something with no evidence. You arent disagreeing.  Youre espousing your beliefs.  Youre elevating something without evidence against something with evidence.  Apples and Oranges.

Does anyone actually still think Kylo Ren’s lightsaber looks dumb? -Balsamwoodman

I just cant get over the fact that theyve turned something designed to protect the weapon-holder into a weapon thats available to injure the weapon-holder.  Its like putting a giant spike pointing down into your helmet because it looks cool. Ill give you that it LOOKS cool. But seriously….. the fuck?

Why do Star Wars fans hate midichlorians? -CruiseController

Because it turned the Force, one of the most beloved fictional powers ever envisioned, from a spiritual goal to a hereditary monarchy. It went from something almost anyone could obtain through difficult trials to even begin considering mastering to a blood test done with a fucking pocket thermometer.

I wonder if Bruce Jener is using this whole sex change thing to get out of a manslaughter charge. -ebevan19

“Oh, Im sorry, you’re looking for Bruce. Im Caitlyn. Bruce isnt here. Havent seen him in a couple months.”

Jimmy Carter? -CanadiAnne

Hes the sweetest most deliberately caring and most emotionally generous president weve ever had.  People look down on him for this. I find that sad.

Why does it hurt so much? “Because it was real” Holy hell was this movie (Hobbit 3) bad. Can’t forget the scene where Legolas is jumping the stones while falling  At least the girl elf was hot doe.  -SizzleNinja

Is that the one where surfed down a battle elephant while killing it? Because thats when I checked out of the series, for good.

I have $120 in cash in my wallet. What should I do with it? -wwefan07

Hang on to it until something comes up and you’re like, “Damn, I wish I had $120.”

Give me a way to curb American obesity. -Itab

Sure, Ill do your homework for you.  Limit usage of escalators and elevators to people under 200 pounds only.

A fan in Atlanta has died from injuries sustained falling from upper deck at Braves game. -Blue.Jay.Link

Another victim of A-Rods general encompassing awfulness.

My little sister is in the hospital after being beat up . Be wary who you meet on online dating. -YoungXBeast

Yes, because shell never be hurt dating a guy she met in a bar.

Post your Superbowl 50 prediction. -cubby21

Packers d Chiefs in a Super Bowl 1 rematch.

Where has Bill been during Hillary’s whole campaign? -CornWallaceJackson

Theres a reason they save the headliner for late in a show.  Hillary is Zendaya featuring The Big Sheed and Bill is a double billing of Kanye and Taylor Swift.

I just smoked an acai bowl and can’t tell if it’s doing shit.  How long does it usually take to kick in? -fishfulwinking

I can tell you right now that its not doing shit or else wed all know about it. The acai berry has been around for hundreds of years in South America. If that shit fucked you up, that shit would be processed, concentrated and being snorted up the noses of stock brokers and restaurant workers since the 70s.

How do you live being circumcised? I just wince/cringe at that thought of getting your tip snipped tf off as a baby who can’t give consent and having to pretend like everything’s alright for the rest of your life. -MegaGameCube93

If I hear one more circumcised guy complain that sex doesnt have feeling or one woman complain that she wishes her boyfriend has a skin leg-warmer on his dick, I will surely make note of that as the first people to ever complain about these things.

Girls pierce their ears for men. If your tonsils or appendix was outside of your body, theyd remove that too when you were a baby. Sorry you have to clean cheese and see the subtle twinge of disappointment in a womans face when she sees your dick for the first time. She wouldnt rather you have a skin fish hook turning her lady parts inside-out for her, she wants you wearing a thin rubber scrunchy, jamming up the works.

‘What lion?’ Zimbabweans ask, amid global Cecil circus in that it does not seem to bother those who live there. -GraniteWhiteKnight

Who cares about the people of Zimbabwe? This was never about them. Maybe if one of them gets lured out of his hut with a Firehouse Subs Kings Hawaiin Pork n Slaw, and gets shot in the back with a bow and arrow by Dr Kirk Weatherwood, Dermatologist to the social elite of Fresno, California, then maybe they have a claim. Until that happens, keep blowing your vuvuzelas and shut the fuck up.

I can’t respect a man who isn’t willing to fight for his. If you can’t stand up for yourself you just wasting them testicles. Might as well donate em to some butch chick who’ll actually use em. -c0mp3t3t1v3g4m3r

I mean, what are we fightiing over? If its a woman, and she wants you, then shes your problem now and an upgrade will be around that corner shortly. I aint even mad. If its my fucking breakfast, then you best not press lest you brought a vest for your chest.

I just had to pick up all the cigarette butts in the parking lot.  Parking lot of the waterpark- 28 I counted. I then smoked the ones that had a few hits left behind the equipment shed.  -evpacks2

Doing your job is one thing. Lip fucking a bunch of strangers for fractional secondary nicotine is a whole different level of sadness.

Hot dog on a stick is my favorite mall food. That lemonade and fries.  Whats your go to? -BTrain12

Im going to assume Im limited to the Food Court and say Bourbon Chicken, Dubble Noodle, please.

WTF have they done to Mafia III? -Solefool

I’ll tell you exactly what theyve done.  They super glued a Pam Grier to the three guys from GTA V and didnt think anyone would notice.  Thats what they did. And its a pretty weak move.

I cant tell if HBO getting Sesame Street is awesome or the end of my childhood. -Kevlar101

Hopefully, this opens the door for reboots of some of my favorite disappeared muppets like the Fraggles, Doozers, and Emmit Otter.

What if every time you had sex you traveled to the future?  – BellOfRoos

It does.  I get about theee minutes older, every time.