The Whats What, Volume 168

Hey folks. Shorter updates during the next two months because of the holiday season.  If I didnt answer your question by reply mail, I might be saving it for next month.  Hope you and yours have a happy and safe one.    

-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-=*=-

Jon Stewart signed a 4 year deal with HBO.  What you think?   -Gr8Escape

I thought he was really going to take some time off, but he probably feels bad because Donald Trump is still in this race and Trevor Noah is awful.  I welcome him back, but Jon Oliver is absolutely killing it over there.  The whole thing seems wonky, but Ill give whatever hes doing a shot.  

Any first world problems this holiday season?  -CanadiAnne

Oh my God, only the most firstest world problem ever.  I  bought a dozen macarons from this fancy downtown Salem bakery on Friday before Thanksgiving for $25, thinking Id take them home to family for a snack to share. Yes, thats fucking $2 a cookie, like 2 bites each. But they are fantastic. Turns out they wouldnt last that long and I had to eat a dozen of the most luxurious cookies by myself between Sunday and Tuesday.  I was an asshole stuffed with amazing baked goods.

How often do you drink alcohol, and how much? -LikwidGreen93

Whenever Im at fancy dinners or social events. Couple times a month, maybe.  How much depends on how Im feeling at the time, usually 2 or 3 drinks.  I had 2 or 3 Jamesons during Thanksgiving  after fasting all morning in preparation for the meal.  Then my wife broke out cider and caramel vodka cordials, so I topped off with one of them.  I stopped because I wanted to keep my wits for dinner.   I was having fun, but eyes on the prize, you know?

Do you have to trade toys when Geocaching?  -SugarComa11

No, but thats a fun part for me, so I do.  Its not essential to the experience.  We just get happy meals and keep the toy wrapped. Or sometimes Ill just put a quarter in a bubblegum toy machine as Im leaving the store. Theres a shoebox in my car full of little random toys.  You dont have to trade anything. Even if you see a little toy or trinket, you can take it without anyone calling you a cheater or whatever. Its all about having fun, and if a tiny rubber alien is going to bring you some small amount of joy then you fucking pocket that pencil topper and rock on.

I read that Jimmy Fallon is an alcoholic.  Didnt see that coming.  -Itab

Yeah, I can see that as hes kind of a man child, and so goofy youd think substances would be almost counter-productive.  But after I saw him playing beer pong on his show with celebrities, I kind of got the hint, and apparently its the most open secret in Hollywood since John Travolta.  And what a slap in the face to that tea-totaler, Johnny Carson. I like how everyone is pretending that employment as “Late night talk show host” requires sobriety.  But, there’s self-righteousness to be had, I guess.

Would you rather suck 1 horse sized human dicks or 100 human sized horse dicks?  -Saywhaaaaa

I’d rather play video games and eat dessert, but Im going to assume this is a “gun to the head” situation and say the one giant dick.  Sucking one hundred dicks sounds like practice to me. 

Jon Batiste & Stay Human Ruin The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I hate that guy with his piano harmonica. Am I supposed to be impressed with that silly instrument? That guy is so weird and out of place. -INTRESIS

The music is great for the show, hes a fine bandleader, and his energy and tone are a perfect fit to Stephen, but Jon Baptiste is completely devoid of any acting chops or comedic skill.  The melodica is also dumb for a television bandleader. He can have the exact same size toy piano with a pedal or wheel or something to control modulation so it comes off gimmicky and like a novelty.   It looks like he duct taped two Fisher Price instruments together that he grabbed from a nearby preschool to bring onto a nationally televised show. It would be fine if he was making an album or on the radio, but television accompanies music with pictures and its fucking distracting to see him playing with toys.  The Fisher Price Xylophone is an actual instrument used by actual musicians (albeit a small number of them). It also doesnt have a place on television when you want to be taken seriously as a musician.

Give me a billion dollar idea.  -Ctrl.Alt.Repeat

A remake/version of JackAss with a female cast would make a billion dollars, right?  Youd have to have a couple sexy ones to make a billion dollars, but factoring in worldwide receipts, I bet you break the three comma mark.

The What’s What, Volume 57

How is being gay a sin when a man’s g spot is in his a-hole? -ballin1995

I believe you just disproved the existence of God, by simply referencing anal pleasure.  Kudos.

“the first dozen sexual experiences in my life (either inappropriate or welcomed) were directly related to the church, its clergy, its parishioners, or church functions.” Dude, please elaborate on the clergy part. -stella

Look, I’m not here to whistleblow anyones fun or ruin any careers.  The only names you will find on this blog are mine and celebrities.  Since I don’t believe in God, I believe that clergymen are equal to a man, and should not held to a higher moral standard.  If someone else wants to put their trust in them, that’s their issue.  Yes, I have been in some inappropriate situations with a clergyman and other church employees.  But I was able to avoid anything really unfortunate simply by leaving.  No one held me against my will, they were simply testing it.  What was really surprising to me is how some kids welcomed the advances.  I had no idea that “abuses” could occur that would leave both parties satisfied and happy, which I would hardly consider abuses at that point.

My girlfriend made out with some douche at a party last night. She tried to blame it on the alcohol, I wasn’t hearing any of it though, we are done. But it sucks, it happened to my friend with his girlfriend of 4 years, she banged one of his friends. She tried to blame it on the alcohol.-rfj202

They always blame it on too much alcohol and never take the responsibility to admit they are the ones who drank too much alcohol. In fact, I truly believe that some girls preemptively get drunk so they know they’ll have it as an excuse, when they carry out their plans of banging the cute guy upstairs or whatever.

There is nothing worse than talentless artists who think people just “don’t get” their work. -Hamas_Hummus

It sure makes them feel better about sucking though.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the WhatsWhat, but what happened to your writing?  I really enjoyed your stories. – Zelmarket

Thanks for the kind words.  My wife and I are trying to have a baby, and she said she’d feel better if I quit marijuana for the time being, so I did.  Ideas come less frequently and when they do, I get half way through them and don’t feel as excited about my writing, so I stop.  I’m blaming it on that for now.  We’ll see if it’s true or not when shes with child.

Since David Stern became NBA commissioner in 1984 only 7 different teams have won a championship.  Thoughts? -soarlemur

It sounds scandalous until you realize that none of them are the Knicks and Sterns been rigging drafts and lotteries both to get NY to be good. So, he can’t even cheat properly, if that’s the case.

Which Daily Show reporter do you think will be the next to make it big? (Other than Ed Helms) That show has a knack for making huge stars out of people. I’m betting John Oliver.-FHGPuzzle

They are really pimping for Jason Jones to be next, but I’m not really a huge fan.  I’ve seen quite a bit of Sam Bee off the show alot recently, but I still wager Oliver is the house favorite.  That Chris Farley ripoff can die in a fire, though.

Scenario: You like a girl, she is single but she is still getting over her ex who cheated on her. She was in love with this kid and he broke her heart, she’s been single awhile now but she isn’t over him. You fear she might get back with him soon, but this girl means a lot to you. How do you get her? -Thurmon_Wright

In girlspeak this translates to “You’re not my top choice, but if he doesn’t take me back, I’ll need some way to keep my mind off of him and make him jealous at the same time, so you might come in handy.”

Are your animals well at communicating with yoi? Do they let you know when they have to go outside, their food dish needs filled, their tummy hurts, if something bad is happening? -Hyper_Hypo

My dog is great at communication. We have jingle bells next to the door that he rings when he wants to go outside. Will bring a leather glove (or brush or any toy) to me when he wants to be brushed/play. Sits by the treat door and grumbles when he wants a bone.  I can’t tell when he feel sick though.

Well… I just spent 30 min on a phone with a Doctor, telling me how I’m making a mistake wanting to go to Med School.
He said that I’m going to be in debt until im 40, I’m in the service of the devil (Obama), as an example, if I was a watchmaker, I would normally be making $100 per watch, Obama will make it so that I’m only making $20 per watch now…
He also said that I will be a slave for the rest of my life, and that I’m “lucky” for him to opening my eyes to world of evil, saying that it’s not to late to change my career plans…  -Enya_Lives

Well good, if you were going to be a Doctor to make money, as opposed to having the drive to help people, like they way it sounds the Doctor you spoke to was after, then hes doing us all a favour by keeping you out of the industry.

Is obesity a disability?  I personally don’t think it’s a disability. People get fat on their own accord, and it’s not like it’s an overnight thing. You can tell if your ass is getting fat, so that’s the time when a normal person will try to get healthier. If obesity is a disability then what’s next, alcoholism? Is cocaine addiction a disability? -HunterXThompson

Kind of. In the same way that a retard shoots himself in the foot and then is forced to have a limp.

Microsoft just sent me an email saying that because of the network downtime, I get a month of XBL Gold for a dollar.  I was on vacation!  lol. -rawdawg0911

Did the e-mail actually say “We’re sorry about that, to make up for the inconvenience we’re going to accept more money from you.”?

Fact: If you saw a ghost or something, you would pray to god for it to go away. You would close your eyes and PRAY to god to get that thing to go away. Even you, atheist. -CampingWhore

I lol at people who claim to know what the unexplained is so unequivocally.  I wish I would let my imagination run my head once in a while. To be so assured in your own ignorance must be wonderful for your ego.

your nike and reebok shoes are made in the same factories with the payless crap. -Ozmandee

Same factory, but different design and different grades of leather and cotton.

The What’s What, Volume 17

My fat ass sister ate my Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Half of the can was left yesterday night. Today I wake up and the can is in the trash empty.  Bitch.  -iPhony

Act like you are just noticing when she is in the kitchen.  Open the freezer, poke around and yell “Alright who ate MY cookie dough…” Stop here, look at your sister and say, “Oh, you did; I can tell by the 18 ounces of cream and sugar visible in your thighs.”

Does anybody really ask a girl to be their girlfriend?  It just happens with me. -StraightFighter3

I did. I’d say “So, what? Are we at that point where I get to make fun of you, and give you a nickname like “Muffin-Ass”, and have to stand up for you when other people are making fun of you? Or are you still shopping around? No big deal, I just like to know where I am at.”  I gave a version of that speech to 10 different girls and each one thought it was endearing and charming.

i started work at summer camp today. it was a good day, lots of memories from years past, and lots of fun times today.  We had a game called “deetz”, where you punch people in the nuts. It’s funny when you aren’t getting hit. We couldn’t last 1 day without someone getting deetz’d. -assandphyre

Sweet! A reason to touch 10 year old boys in their groin, have fun in Chris Hanson’s chair.

Hot Pockets take 30 minutes to cook in the oven Does this seem like BS to you? WTF? Are they trying to pass it off as filet mignon? – Theeter

3:15 in the micro with that pseudo-foil sleeve is the best way I’ve found.  I like the crust softer though.  In 30 minutes I could cook real food.

Everything that ever had a beginning had a cause for its creation. So can you please tell me how the universe came to be without a cause? I just want an honest answer. Thanks  -SliteofMan

The contraction into itself of the previous universe caused a massive explosion, the Big Bang.  Also, this is not a good debate starter, the Atheist gets to ask “What created God then?”

With inconsistent QBs, below average RBs, and only one decent WR (from what we’ve seen from him,) do they lack an offense? -EMailaddress

Unless they put in 10 lineman and Devin Hester, they do NOT have an offense.

Do you shave or trim your armpits? I’m debating on whether or not I should shave them or just trim ’em.
What do you do? -FreakoBellic

I trim them.  More often in the summer.

Kids is the most useless movie I’ve ever seen, horrible. -3dbuck

There was a lot of bad acting, thats for sure.  And I don’t care about my friends drama, I don’t know why anyone thought I should care about these peoples manufactured nonsense.

Rate my DVD haul from the $5 bin at Wal-Mart/10; Clerks 2, Joe Dirt, School of Rock, South Park Movie, Fight Club. -Haddagootodd

I’m gonna go with 8/10.  School of Rock is a kids movie, and Fight Club is a bit overrated.  I instinctively find myself distrustful towards soap-makers because of that movie.

Do you drink at all?  If so, how often? -SecretAsianMan

I exclusively drink whiskey, rather rarely.  Maybe, three drinks in one sitting a month. I haven’t been drunk since college, like 10 years ago.

The Whats What, Volume 6

That show Intervention on A&E is intense . . . . . . you can watch entire episodes online now . . . f’ing intense. -tearsforbeers

Do you know how this show works? They tell the Junkie that they are doing a documentary on drug abuse, they give him/her a bunch of money to get zooted for a week, and then they televise the most personal thing anyone ever has to go through on national TV.  Disgusting exploitation.  Makes me sick of the families that agree to this.

I just watched the video of Ed Dwyer shooting himself. I don’t understand why people willingly watch these things as entertainment. You’re putting a permanent impression on your psyche by doing so. -SSgohan31

Honestly, I think that I react better in emergency situations because I damaged my psyche as a child by watching Faces of Death. Im less in awe of the situation when it arises, leaving me a clear head to make quicker, reasoned decisions.

Whenever we get into a fight, not an arguement, we basicly stop talking to each other. We don’t yell or scream but we walk around the house like neither one of us exist. We don’t say goodnight, but we remain courtous in front of our son. We kiss each other goodbye and say, have a good day and all that, but when she gets home it’ll be back to the same thing, no talking, no how was your day, just she does her thing and I do mine. 

So here’s my question. Is this healthy? Everyone fights in a relationship, that normal. But should I, knowing that she isn’t going to resolve it till she’s ready, just give in and let it slide until we can talk about it later, or should I continue to stand my ground and make her admit that she’s wrong so we can have resoloutn the the problem once and for all? -DeePiddy

Play her game. Not a word, and you can’t let her see that it bothers you. Go out when you usually don’t without a word, come home hours later and sit down in a common area without eye contact. It sucks that you both dont have the same way of working out problems, but your method only makes things worse for her. So make her method worse for her. You are already doing it now, without it being your choice. Make it your choice, and then own your choice. You are now better at it then her. When shes ready to talk, you still need time. Make her options suck for her.

Why do you smoke weed? I’m not going to try to sit here and act like some elitist douche about it all, I just don’t understand it. A couple of my friends that have smoked can’t give me a definitive reason for why they do such a thing. -projectshadow21

Because I don’t like alcohol, and I find sobriety a mundane chore.

be honest: Have you ever pooped and NOT washed your hands after? -mishtahdeeze

 I have pooped outside before, so yes, I guess.  I washed my hands when I got home.  Whats the time alottment for washing traces of poop from your hands?  I’ve never had pink eye, anyway.

Were you kidding when you said there was a sex video of you on the itnerenet? –  hayzeedayzee

Me and my girlfriend were illegally taped in a motel having all sorts of weird sex play during a trip to her prom. It was on the internet for a few weeks before the guy was caught.  I took a settlement check and had to sign a bunch of papers.  It was out there, Im sure some poeple got it to their hard drive before it was removed.  I never called and told my ex-gf.

When does McDonald’s breakfast end around you? 10:30 or 11? -E11ios

6 hours later, in my toilet.