The What’s What, Volume 162

I remember my first girlfriend and I were so excited to get to actually have sex completely.  Because 99.9999999999% of the times we’d do it, parents were around, so we’d only get the bare essentials exposed.  Her dad dislocated his thumb at a softball game and her mom dashed out of the house to go pick him up.  We were like ohmygod finally and threw our clothes off and it was a whole big event.  God I don’t miss being a teenager.  -VesperRemains

“Dads in the hospital!”
“Awesome news. Lets fuck!”

If you don’t believe there is a god/higher power… if you believe the physical world is all, and that our existence is a random chance happening, how do you not then take on a nihilistic worldview? Logically, to have the former perspective necessitates the latter. Yet you rarely see an atheist hold both views. -PabloSanFillipo

Because existentialism exists. It was probably a pretty shitty time for humans before we gained sentience. Once we recognized that we were different from the other animals, and can vocalize that to each other, it becomes in your instinctual best interests to perpetuate the species, which requires consideration of strangers.  The next step is essentially globalism.  Im not sure well make that leap, though.  We’ll probably kill ourselves off long before that.

Do you think the dearth of good female characters in Breaking Bad stops it from being the best ever? -legrev

One of my favorite sideplots about this show was the amount of women nagging about only being portrayed on TV as wet blankets, because they automatically reinforce the exact negative stereotype they are trying to fight.  In my day, many people having a strong reaction to a character meant that it was good writing.  Now, you get to be offended and have others bend over backwards to cater to you.  Regarding intellect, the shorter people get to reap the low hanging fruit. 

Dad blocked the computer from going on pornsites. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuck -Leoooone

My Dad would have needed my help installing a porn filter.  I recommend installing one on his computer.  That should make your point.

Jem was a magical superhero rockstar last time I checked. wtf r u doin hollywood  -DarthSteve

Truly outrageous.  Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Why are Americans so interested in politics? -JohnCena42

They aren’t.  They just like hearing themselves and feeling right.  Talking politics isnt critical thinking, its defending a side. You’re choosing to waste your time playing “pretend lawyer”. No ones position ever changes, because they’re defending a position, not using their cognitive reasoning. You get a say. Its called a vote, and most people dont do that. Sure, you can write your Congressman, but youll get a form letter back. The guy you didnt know existed until he got elected doesnt care about your opinion, why do you think ShenaniGUNZ13 does? Americans love arguing about politics where their opinion holds absolutely no weight, and then are too lazy to fucking vote, where it actually has the slightest of impacts.  It builds a corruption paradise for those in charge.

Brady’s suspension could be overturned.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I wanna see Jimmy. -Nepats81

I think Goodell is figuring out with his recent troubles, its best to throw the book at people and let the bloodthirsty crowd drink their fill, and then let the appeal work its way down when everyone is on to the next public shame feeding. Hes negotiating from a high position, essentially. Furthermore, theres a chance its all orchestrated between Kraft and Goodell. Goodell gets a better grasp on his unchecked power, and Kraft gets public support over the eventual Garroppolo for Brady exchange.  Maybe not hashed out in so many words, but smart people can say a lot to like minded people without using exact verbiage.  They may be working against each other, but it necessarily isnt in our interests.  In conclusion, those text messages between those two locker room doofuses has to be among the stupidest and most hilarious records of evidence the public has gotten the privilege to enjoy.

Will we need 3 asterisks for Tom Brady*, Bill Belichick*, and Super Bowl XLIX*? Or just Patriots*? -BakingWildCat

This email is saltier than the floor at Williams Sonoma after Michael J Fox goes spice shopping.  

I bought my girlfriend some underwear, but she says “lacy ones hurt her vagina.”  wtf -machooch

She knows they dont go inside, right?

do you ever like to smell your own farts?  so awesome  -fisto_dude

Sometimes Ill test the waters to see if I have to apologize for the smell, or get people to move.  But, no I dont actively enjoy the scent. I enjoy the noise. The smell is an unfortunate inadvertent drawback.

I love Romney but his establishment-friendly side bugs me some times.  I have a strong feeling he’d be very pro NSA/Patriot Act stuff. That saddens me. Excited for him to be removed from actually legislating as an elected official (not that I think he’d always make the wrong calls, but being out of the game has its perks) and now just be a rich old guy who boxes for charity and takes pictures with people like 50 cent.  -WarriorRLink

“I love Chlamydia, but its sexual transmitted disease-y side bugs me sometimes” is essentially what you just said.  Frankly though, I forgot he existed until the charity boxing thing.  I cant even tell you if it already happened and I missed it, though.  And I dont care enough to look it up.  Take all this as you will.

Private number keeps calling me everyday.  Probably just a survey like last time I answered when I already told them to fuck off in a more polite way.  -BoJo4

You aren’t one of those people that posts in YouTube comments, where your opinion means absolutely shit, yet dont do surveys, where people are paid to record your opinion, are you?  I find that shit fascinating.

I recently #SharkTank’d a telemarketer.  He was trying to sell me some bullshit and I was all “The numbers just arent there for me, and for that reason………………. Im out.” *click*  Bitch got Mister Wonderful’d.

Where does U2 come off? First they hack peoples phones and now they screw up our commute home?  Impromptu busking concert in Grand Central Station. That must have royally screwed over hundreds if not thousands of people trying to get wherever they gotta go. -Atchamachula

It’s okay, they were playing “Angel of Harlem”. Even U2 fans were walking by.

The health insurance options offered by my work place are a joke.  The cheapest option, costing me roughly $200 a month without dental or vision, has a $2,600 deductible per individual. That’s $5,200 if I’m trying to cover my wife and I, which we’d not hit unless getting into a serious accident or something.  The option with the lowest deductible of $600/individual would cost me about $400 a month.  -ForgotTheQuestion

Corporations dont exist to provide for your health, they exist to provide profits to their shareholders.

Did you see the Price is Right give a treadmill to a lady in a wheelchair?  Shit was awkward. -CanadiAnne

I had the day off and watched it LIVE!  My favorite part was how the announcer, George Gray, was all “a treadmill and A NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW SAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Seriously, it took 20 minutes to get her on stage, they couldnt have thrown together the next game or at least brought in a washer or dryer or something?

The What’s What, Volume 39

Whats the most unique way you’ve killed a bug/pest in your home? -Metsfan43

I emptied a can of Aquanet on a spider and his web in my basement when I was a kid. The thing was frozen in time, the web became stiff  and remained there for almost a year, probably.

Ever gone mushroom hunting? -Edgyset717

Only on the golf course with a 5-iron in my hand.  Its crazy satisfying to have them explode into spongy pellets and fluffy mist.

My supervisor just texted me “Your an idiot”. The need for ownage is fighting with my need for a job.. What the hell should I do? -Buildinset

*Reply* Idiots don’t know the difference between you’re and your.  I’m more of a moron. *Send*

ever smoke resin? JonathanLockes

We make “truffles”. Little one-hitter balls of sticky resin, rolled through the shake and keef of the last bag.  Gives you the quick familiar high of shake dust, and the long slow head fuck of resin.

Copying Music is not stealing, it would be like copying a car – MicksedMedia

What if you overhear the music in your friends car? What if you borrow your friends cd? It’s such a slippery slope and full of bad logic from both sides.  If the music companies had their way, you wouldn’t be able to listen to it without paying.  They’re as phony as the artists who claim when they start playing that its all about the music and bringing enjoyment to other people and then take a check and start asking “Where’s mine?”

would you bid $1 over someone else in price is right? AlnTedBundy

My one time chance to play Plinko? The grandmother next to me should bet the correct price on those golf clubs, cause I am all over that dollar.

If you could decide the setlist a band would play at a live show, what would it be? -MLSOK1

The London Symphony Orchestra and then I’d make them play my favorite pop/rock/rap and video game songs, ending with the Presto from Vivaldis “Spring”.

Dr. Cox > House. -Charcoalsands

Neither show is funny. The problem is that Scrubs is TRYING to be a comedy. House by 12 lengths.

Would you give up your right to vote forever for 5,000 dollars? -TilledDeath

National elections, yes. Local elections, no.

Could you date a worker at a fast food restaurant? This girl at the Chic-Fil-A at the mall is gorgeous. Look like if you were to combine Julia Roberts with Sarah Silverman. -MrLemon

If you can’t, then you are a shallow person who’s going to miss out on good women.

So, some girl where I work is pregnant. (she’s 17) Luckily she’s acting responsible about it and not getting an abortion, so I respect her for that. -11Ghosts

I’m glad you agree with her decision. It’s great that shes “responsible” only because her choices have your approval.  The process will be so much easier for her now that she has your respect.

Dealing with someone who is stoned is worse than dealing with a drunk.-FluffPunk

The rate that I get randomly punched in the face by drunks far exceeds that of stoned people.

Us Asians are the only people that still get made fun of right to their faces.  -HooktonFonix

You no rikey? Oooooooh, a thousand pahdons!

How many Canadian cities do you know? ManiToby

I know the ones that ever owned NHL teams, the capitals of the provinces, and maybe a handful of others.

If Your girlfriend got raped, would it change your perspective of her? I know saying “no, of course not” is the intuitive reaction because of how terrible the other answer is, but honestly, I don’t think that anyone can say no completely. I mean, you would be horrible to leave her for such a thing, but to not be affected is not possible.  I think most people wouldn’t be able to look at them the same again.

To my knowledge I had never been in this situation. I’d like to think I’d act nobly. Depends on alot of things. If she was drunk and made really bad decisions about where to sleep and how much to drink or who to trust, there would be alot more resentment towards her than some guy who breaks into her dorm, threatens her life, and beats her ass to shut up.  With some luck, Ill continue never having to know.