The What’s What, Volume 162

I remember my first girlfriend and I were so excited to get to actually have sex completely.  Because 99.9999999999% of the times we’d do it, parents were around, so we’d only get the bare essentials exposed.  Her dad dislocated his thumb at a softball game and her mom dashed out of the house to go pick him up.  We were like ohmygod finally and threw our clothes off and it was a whole big event.  God I don’t miss being a teenager.  -VesperRemains

“Dads in the hospital!”
“Awesome news. Lets fuck!”

If you don’t believe there is a god/higher power… if you believe the physical world is all, and that our existence is a random chance happening, how do you not then take on a nihilistic worldview? Logically, to have the former perspective necessitates the latter. Yet you rarely see an atheist hold both views. -PabloSanFillipo

Because existentialism exists. It was probably a pretty shitty time for humans before we gained sentience. Once we recognized that we were different from the other animals, and can vocalize that to each other, it becomes in your instinctual best interests to perpetuate the species, which requires consideration of strangers.  The next step is essentially globalism.  Im not sure well make that leap, though.  We’ll probably kill ourselves off long before that.

Do you think the dearth of good female characters in Breaking Bad stops it from being the best ever? -legrev

One of my favorite sideplots about this show was the amount of women nagging about only being portrayed on TV as wet blankets, because they automatically reinforce the exact negative stereotype they are trying to fight.  In my day, many people having a strong reaction to a character meant that it was good writing.  Now, you get to be offended and have others bend over backwards to cater to you.  Regarding intellect, the shorter people get to reap the low hanging fruit. 

Dad blocked the computer from going on pornsites. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuck -Leoooone

My Dad would have needed my help installing a porn filter.  I recommend installing one on his computer.  That should make your point.

Jem was a magical superhero rockstar last time I checked. wtf r u doin hollywood  -DarthSteve

Truly outrageous.  Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Why are Americans so interested in politics? -JohnCena42

They aren’t.  They just like hearing themselves and feeling right.  Talking politics isnt critical thinking, its defending a side. You’re choosing to waste your time playing “pretend lawyer”. No ones position ever changes, because they’re defending a position, not using their cognitive reasoning. You get a say. Its called a vote, and most people dont do that. Sure, you can write your Congressman, but youll get a form letter back. The guy you didnt know existed until he got elected doesnt care about your opinion, why do you think ShenaniGUNZ13 does? Americans love arguing about politics where their opinion holds absolutely no weight, and then are too lazy to fucking vote, where it actually has the slightest of impacts.  It builds a corruption paradise for those in charge.

Brady’s suspension could be overturned.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I wanna see Jimmy. -Nepats81

I think Goodell is figuring out with his recent troubles, its best to throw the book at people and let the bloodthirsty crowd drink their fill, and then let the appeal work its way down when everyone is on to the next public shame feeding. Hes negotiating from a high position, essentially. Furthermore, theres a chance its all orchestrated between Kraft and Goodell. Goodell gets a better grasp on his unchecked power, and Kraft gets public support over the eventual Garroppolo for Brady exchange.  Maybe not hashed out in so many words, but smart people can say a lot to like minded people without using exact verbiage.  They may be working against each other, but it necessarily isnt in our interests.  In conclusion, those text messages between those two locker room doofuses has to be among the stupidest and most hilarious records of evidence the public has gotten the privilege to enjoy.

Will we need 3 asterisks for Tom Brady*, Bill Belichick*, and Super Bowl XLIX*? Or just Patriots*? -BakingWildCat

This email is saltier than the floor at Williams Sonoma after Michael J Fox goes spice shopping.  

I bought my girlfriend some underwear, but she says “lacy ones hurt her vagina.”  wtf -machooch

She knows they dont go inside, right?

do you ever like to smell your own farts?  so awesome  -fisto_dude

Sometimes Ill test the waters to see if I have to apologize for the smell, or get people to move.  But, no I dont actively enjoy the scent. I enjoy the noise. The smell is an unfortunate inadvertent drawback.

I love Romney but his establishment-friendly side bugs me some times.  I have a strong feeling he’d be very pro NSA/Patriot Act stuff. That saddens me. Excited for him to be removed from actually legislating as an elected official (not that I think he’d always make the wrong calls, but being out of the game has its perks) and now just be a rich old guy who boxes for charity and takes pictures with people like 50 cent.  -WarriorRLink

“I love Chlamydia, but its sexual transmitted disease-y side bugs me sometimes” is essentially what you just said.  Frankly though, I forgot he existed until the charity boxing thing.  I cant even tell you if it already happened and I missed it, though.  And I dont care enough to look it up.  Take all this as you will.

Private number keeps calling me everyday.  Probably just a survey like last time I answered when I already told them to fuck off in a more polite way.  -BoJo4

You aren’t one of those people that posts in YouTube comments, where your opinion means absolutely shit, yet dont do surveys, where people are paid to record your opinion, are you?  I find that shit fascinating.

I recently #SharkTank’d a telemarketer.  He was trying to sell me some bullshit and I was all “The numbers just arent there for me, and for that reason………………. Im out.” *click*  Bitch got Mister Wonderful’d.

Where does U2 come off? First they hack peoples phones and now they screw up our commute home?  Impromptu busking concert in Grand Central Station. That must have royally screwed over hundreds if not thousands of people trying to get wherever they gotta go. -Atchamachula

It’s okay, they were playing “Angel of Harlem”. Even U2 fans were walking by.

The health insurance options offered by my work place are a joke.  The cheapest option, costing me roughly $200 a month without dental or vision, has a $2,600 deductible per individual. That’s $5,200 if I’m trying to cover my wife and I, which we’d not hit unless getting into a serious accident or something.  The option with the lowest deductible of $600/individual would cost me about $400 a month.  -ForgotTheQuestion

Corporations dont exist to provide for your health, they exist to provide profits to their shareholders.

Did you see the Price is Right give a treadmill to a lady in a wheelchair?  Shit was awkward. -CanadiAnne

I had the day off and watched it LIVE!  My favorite part was how the announcer, George Gray, was all “a treadmill and A NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW SAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Seriously, it took 20 minutes to get her on stage, they couldnt have thrown together the next game or at least brought in a washer or dryer or something?

The Whats What, Volume 158

Good to see Icky Woods getting some work.  We were worried about him.  -SirBratwurst

The thing that bothers me about that commercial is that the dude already has cold cuts in his hand. He spikes them.  Its like he ordered a half pound of Boars Head maple turkey, and thought he needed a new number for his Land o Lakes.  Fucking amateur.

Deflategate take, mate?  -DaGreatOne3613

You know. I’ve developed this theory where Bill Belichick has gone through the NFL Rulebook looking for risk/reward situation gainers, and anything that can offer a distinct advantage to his team, with incidental and “off the field penalties” and fines is why his team is so good in the second half of games and the reason he stockpiles draft picks. And you know what else? ITS FUCKING GENIUS. And I guess Id be pissed too if someone else thought of it first and won a bunch of Super Bowls because of it.

Who do you want to star in the Ghostbusters reboot? Emma Stone, Gillian Jacobs, Kirstin Wiig? -Skyward_Sword

They sat on Ghostbusters 3 for too long. I, personally, blame Bill Murray. I feel bad for Dan Aykroyd. Hes an underrated writer, and this was his best received effort. He spent a lot of time and effort on GhostBusters 3, and deserves to have another shot at the franchise.  But Harold Ramis had to go and die, and now its scramble time to piece together what can be.

Under no circumstances should effort towards an all women reboot continue. I get we want to make an effort towards strong female leads, and Im all for it. It even gives girl geeks sciencey big screen role models. Im all for that. Four Ghostbusters with two women should be the maximum amount of estrogen in the picture. Using exclusively female leads forces the issue, which takes focus away from the actual movie and performance, and that turns off everyone, including women. Using three women would lead to a likely disaster, and this is their fucking chance to get back into mainstream consciousness. Shit on this opportunity, no more Ghostbusters ever.

Bring the franchise back into the world with a solid, more traditional cast, and then for the NEXT movie, you can have three women, bringing back the 2 from the first movie. Thats a natural progression and it capitalizes on the good will from both the nostalgic crew and the newer fans brought in by a successful reboot.  It can be a franchise, it doesnt have to be a trilogy.  Dan Aykroyd is a good enough writer.

Has anyone fallen off harder than Lady Gaga?  that weren’t deaths, obviously.  I’m sure there’s some notable examples, but I feel like she’s a pretty significant case of famous one day and irrelevant the next. -lynx_123

You’re saying an unattractive artsy pop girl who dresses up in meat may have been a gimmick?  Get out of here.

Dilemma; 10/10 girl in our office shits her brains out like clockwork every afternoon. I’m stuck with the consequences. What do? -ClevelandGamer

This is easy as hell.   If shes soooo clockwork, then 5 minutes before she goes in, you go in and turn on the fan and spray some air freshener around EVERY DAY UNTIL SHE GETS IT.

 I wasn’t the biggest dog person, but I have no problem with Pit Bulls. I’m no longer scared of dogs, if you are, check yourself cause you must have a personal reason.  If you even had a problem with a single dog, blame the owner not the breed.   -capitalsea

All dogs are naturally aggressive, its the breeding that domesticates them. Pitbulls have not undergone such lengths of domesticative breeding. Some of their breeding has traditionally been for fighting and protection. Thats one strike against them, as a breed.  Chihuahuas are one of the most aggressive breeds of dog. When they attack, though, they may not even break skin. When pitbulls attack, they can kill anything they outweigh, including adults. Strike 2.  At the end of the day, it’s pretty much social irresponsibility to own a pitbull. You’re being selfish. Im sure some of you have had loving pitbulls in your lives and will shirk from the truth because of your experience. But you would also concede that if you had owned a Boxer, German Shepard or Golden Retriever instead, you would have loved it the same. Instead, you chose the direct risk of having someone you know or love suffer serious injury or death to include your family companion. Making that choice, is what makes you selfish and irresponsible.

Josh Gad is everywhere now. -DarthEric

And none of the evidence he is providing proves he is funny.  He was tryhard on the Daily Show, like he was doing a Chris Farley impression. 1600 Penn was an unfunny disaster. He hit the jackpot voicing a retarded snowman in the biggest kids movie ever, so now he gets a starring role in Hitch 2 with also overexposed Kevin Hart?  Anyone can come out of that role in Book of Mormon looking like a star.  What the fuck, Hollywood? Is there really no fresh talent available? Why are we giving people America has been rejecting as unfunny for years more chances?  People have some weird blinders on. 

Let me tell you what one of the worst feelings in the world is… It’s when a girl who’s into you and you’re not necessarily into her but you start feeling something just because she initiated it and you grow a bit attached. All of a sudden when you lose touch for a little while (even just a month), she either goes back to her long term ex, gets busy with family etc and completely forgets about you. -Zabinga

Well, you didnt even like her. You just liked the fact that she liked you, and made you feel good about yourself.  Thats the feeling from her you enjoyed, you didnt actually care about the person.  Try not to let your need for attention get you into an emotional situation you arent prepared to get out of.

I’m struggling with my weight. I used to be in decent shape at 6’4″ 235 but now I’m up to 260 or 270. I’m not obese but I definitely have a little bit of a belly. I try to exercise but I’m so damn hungry all the time I just want to eat fucking everything. Especially when I exercise that just makes the hunger worse. How do you  deal with the hunger? -BeLump

Im cheating at life.  Im using something called “metacognition” which is essentially hacking your brain.  It took me several years in the mid-late 90s to figure out the specifics and do all the heavy lifting, but now Im finding its like riding a bike.  Basically, what I am doing is identifying things that are efficient opportunities for positive change in my life.  In this case, weight loss for you, something I took on last year.  I do a series of brain exercises to visualize myself doing the things to achieve that goal, and then I use other brain exercises to associate that visualization with things that motivate me.  In this case, I was able to use hunger to reassure me. I “tricked myself” into associating hunger as the bodies way of notifying you it had started to use stored energy.  I used it as motivation, rewarded myself with something different that would “occupy” hunger, which built further reward knowing results are on the horizon.   It’s tough to explain, and just reading that wont work for you.  It took me years to figure out what did work for me.  Some people learn and process information in different ways,  and I really cant help you unless we process information the same way.  Maybe I can help you figure out how youd process information and the next step, but that would only start you on your way.  Its a very powerful tool, eventually, though.  I hadnt ever tried to lose weight before, and the first time I did, I lost 25 pounds in 4 months.  I  quit smoking the first time, absolved myself from guilt, and removed internal negativity in previous successful attempts.  Good Luck, however you go for it.

Do you truly believe that deep down you are better than everyone else? -Catari

You should. Otherwise, why are you living your life that way?   Not like my wishes, dreams or thoughts are worth more than the next man, but I believe that I am better at living life.