The What’s What, Volume 164

Rocket League, Be real with me – is the hype real for that game? Everybody seems to love it. -SeikuGojira

If everyone loves it and is currently playing it, thats reviews. Hype is for when no one has played anything yet. This shit is the game of the summer.

In 2 to 4 days, I’m going to make the biggest decision of my life.  Dear diary. No context.  -Sega_Goku

Either “Congrats” if it works out or “You stupid bastard!” if it doesnt.

Mat Latos is now a Dodger.  -BetItsButterIfYouDo

I hope the Asian community takes it well. The entire demographic is Latos intolerant.

Thoughts on the ABC Muppet Show upcoming this fall?  Ruining your childhood? -Laistered

I wish they were doing a remake of “The Muppet Show” with current celebrities and stuff.  Instead, its an “Office” spinoff or something. Seems kind of shoehorned in there. You shouldnt need a premise for the Muppets. The Muppets should thrive in absolutely every situation.  I’ll give it a shot, but I feel like an opportunity was missed, here.

Your boy sushi just won a $3600 Blackjack hand.  I got my two racks back in 5 minutes. Bet $1000 got dealt 7, 4, double down for less for $800 got dealt a 9 dealer busts. Colored up chips and walked away. -SushiAddict

That only means you could have won a $7200 Blackjack hand, but pussed out.   I would have, too.  Congrats.

is it wrong to buy Lego Bootleg ?  two reason i bought bootleg. 1.Lego is expensive  2.most figs never made by Lego before like walking dead and wwe (and probably never will) -Blenderk

They are toys. Save some cash if youre going to play with them.  Dont expect them to increase in value and be able to sell them for more money in 4 decades though.

Making Kraft dinner for lunch, Woo like the Ric Flair -Sqwared3000

Pro Tip, If you dont eat the whole box, dont cook all the pasta. This way the sauce will be cheesier and more flavourful.

You named your daughter Eleanor?  Very classic, Im a fan. -CanadiAnne

I hear you, and thanks.  Some lady to me at the Blandford, MA I-90 rest stop: “Oh Eleanor, great name!  Not one of those insufferable modern confusions like Trystyn with 2 Y’s. or something”  In fact, theres a guy named Nikki with 2 daughters, Cash & Sky on The Price is Right, now. Poor bastards.  Names are fundamental people. Give it some thought, sleep on it. Never one that makes you laugh, and by all means, stay sober when doing the paperwork.

OMG! This Better Not Be A Troll Job, But CBS Says NCAA Games May Return Soon -BMitchell513

Oh really? A niche of a popular market that brought in billions over its lifespan has the people who would profit the most working to get it open again?  Shocked. Shocked, I say.

What will you do if ISIS invades US ? -BobSapp33

Id laugh if it was a military invasion.  Move if it was a cultural invasion.

So The Fifth Element is an enjoyable movie up unti Chris Tucker’s character joins the fray. He is so damn obnoxious. I can’t think of one single role in which I have enjoyed his screen presence. -ElfiesWorld

I liked his opening scenes, but he got tired quick during the theatre battle.  I thought you were going to say the cartoony techno dancing comedy fight scene. Thats where the movie went off the rails for me. Im able to finish the movie, but that scene is so goofy and so long it really takes me out of it.

Hey lets hold an important golf tourney on the coastline of Scotland.  This will in no way be a bad idea.  -HistoricBehaviour

First Monday finish in 27 years.  Thats not too bad. Its where golf was born, essentially. They didnt get a choice where to build their church, its where they lived.  But yeah, kind of a bummer. Go play golf, unless you live in Scotland.

DNA PSA: THE TACO BELL BACON CLUB CHALUPA GOES HARD FAM -DNA117

I dont know what the hell you are talking about, but it doesnt sound complimentary.

what would you say to your kids if they asked for money to spend on microtransactions?  In games, apps, and shit on their cell phone.  “but Dadddd it only costs $5 for more coins D:” , etc You KNOW that shit is BS and designed specifically so siphon money out of children, but do you do it anyways? I don’t want my kids to go without while all of their friends are having fun and stuff, but ugh. -Coitusex

My daughter will earn her money via chores and good grades. She can spend it on whatever she likes.

Dan Aykroyd is a fat hack piece of shit who has been trying to ruin the only good thing he was ever a part of. -BornToLose3

Hes an awesome writer. GhostBusters is being ruined because Bill Murray dragged his feet on 3 until Harold Ramis died. Maybe youve never created something great that required the investment and efforts of others to make it happen, and those assholes didnt understand your passion until its way too late and theyve ruined it for everyone. Maybe youve never had this experience.  Dan Aykroyd has.

Cobie “Maria Hill” Smulders appreciation time. -ClamBeard

Shes pretty, but I dont find her funny or believable as a tough super agent or whatever. I enjoyed her in Slammin Salmon. I can see her catching fire and grabbing a role like Speed or something. Straight non-actiony fish-out-of-water in an action comedy drama thing, but unless that happens, she might be at her ceiling.

They should stop mentioning Tiger Woods these days. -HuggyBear68

Golf has always done this. Even to Jack Nicklaus when he was awful. Golf has stars, some whos popularity dont wane when they start eventually sucking.  Its weird, I know. But Golf has always been the sport that you can still remain relevant long after you have lost your competitiveness.  People love an underdog. In professional golf, it seems the public want you to fail, and when you do, they want you to succeed. Both fickle and supportive, its quite a gallery.

No Mans Sky hype conversation; the Videogame that let you feel the vast isolation and feeling of wnder and awe of outer space the best so far. -WalletInspector

Kerbal Space Program.  Not a joke.

The What’s What, Volume 163

Have you gone in on Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner yet?  -Atchamachula

Lets talk about Caitlyn refusing to identify herself as a lesbian as obviously masking homophobia.  I mean, that was my understanding of her explanation.  When she balks at giving the required details, it seems quite ingenuous when you invited the camera into your home to begin with.  You’re the one who brought up your bafflejunk, so lets talk about it.  Maybe your argument would be better received if you stop piquing everyones interests and then telling those who are trying to understand that its none of their business.  Even trans people can be homophobic.  What a complex world equality is.

Is Bruce Jenners transformation just a publicity stunt thought up by reality TV execs to make money? can’t decide if its legit or he’s full of shit. -Breezy921

I believe hes the reason for the TV show. The producers knew Bruce was a trainwreck ready to happen, had some fame hungry kids so they gave them a tv show knowing the eventual trainwreck would happen and  they get to cash in on that juicy transgender breakthrough ratings and money and hype.

GF: We should do engagement photos
Me: No.
GF: Why not?
Me: I don’t want to play in leaves
GF: There doesn’t have to be leaves.
Me: There’s always leaves.
GF: You really don’t want to do this do you?
Me: No.
GF: Fine, but we’re doing wedding pictures and if I get pregnant, baby pictures.
Me: Okay.

Summarized convo. I’m going to try to wiggle out of baby announcement pictures if that time ever comes. I have some time to work on that though.  -machooch

I fought my way out of them, too. Its not a representation of who we are. “Remember that time we went to the beach and carved our initials into the beach with our bare feet, so the tide could wash away our love into the ocean forever more? You dont remember? ITS BECAUSE WE WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS RIDICULOUS AS THAT.” I dont want to spend hundreds of dollars memorializing an event that wouldn’t exist.  Seems conceited.  Have your friend take candid photos of you doing things you like to do. Its the shit Id want remembered anyway.  That was basically my argument. We had a baby and she gets baby photos. I don’t care about that. Grandparents, relatives and friends legitimately want photos of that shit. Good Luck getting out of that one. You dont have to be in them or anything. You dont need the professional family mayhem. But there WILL be professional baby photos, you get used to that shit right now.

Are you more of a “based on statistics” or “based on personal experience” kind of person? -PermiscuousRex

My gut tells me I should say statistics.

Christian Summer Camp Denies Autistic Boy.  I thought Christians were caring people.  I didnt think Jesus hates autistic children.  -critter717

You must have missed it.  “‘And Yay’, he said standing on the mount and before the gathered village, ‘it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than the developmentally awkward to enter the Kingdom of God'” and with that did he shoveth Corky, the village boy needing a goat-skull helmet, to the ground with disdain”. Jericho 7:13-18

Today I learned that some girls have the philosophy: “Lets get it brackin’ now or never”.  Meaning you better make the move now. I’m not going to wait on your ass to make a move. If not, I’m moving on without you. -Cosmospolitan89

So youre saying some women participate in emotional games?  Get the fuck out of here with this insanity.

It’s my ex gf. I hate when she does this shit. Talking about offing herself for one reason or another. I can’t bring myself to ignore her or be an asshole because you never know when it’s for real or not. On top of that she’s a cutter. Got nasty wounds on her arms. Part of the reason we didn’t work out. She would keep doing that when things didn’t go her way or for whatever reason.  It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically draining -TommyTiptoes

The great thing about ignoring suicide threats is if they dont commit suicide, you get to be right, and if they do commit suicide, no one knows you were wrong.

I’m going to Virginia Beach in a few weeks.  Protips?  -BetItsButterIfYouDo

Pocohontas for Breakfast, Timbuktu for Dinner.  Hope you like Mini Golf and jet noises.

Why do so many people in america think they are entitled to so many thing? see a lot of people complaining bout they dont have this they dont have that. If they dont get a job they blame obama. They want a min pay of 15/hr. It seems like to no one wants to put in hardwork. May be thats just me idk. -BoJo4

In the USA, the size of the paycheck you get from your job indicates the amount of respect you are able to expect from the general public. If fast food workers began to get nice homes and fancy cars and pay for their kids to go to private school, then people would WANT to have fast food jobs. To keep up with that, the job you have would have to raise your wage, or else theyd be worried youd go hustle fries at Burger Shack. You can work hard and get paid $7.25/hr. You can be a lazy ass making $50k/year. Working hard doesnt necessarily equate to more money and you sound like an idiot doing so.

Sushi is unnecessarily expensive for little bits of uncooked fish and rice.  Total scam.  Even when you get a hot meal (say salmon teriyaki, which is what I usually go for), they give you a woefully small portion of salmon.  The only thing I like is miso soup. -BritaniaPrevials

Choosing the ingredients in sushi is so much more important because everything is served raw. The higher the quality in fresh meats, sauces, fruits and vegetables is of ultimate importance since so very little is being done to them before service. Saying nothing of the techniques possibly showcased inknife skills, rice making and nori rolling by a skilled experienced chef can be really noticed when nothing is being done to anything else. They have sushi available in the big grocery stores if you cant tell the difference. No sense in paying for it.

WOW DOUGIE HAMILTON TRADED TO THE FLAMES -Nepats81

Its ugly, yes. I mean, Hamilton wants like $10M a year, and the Bruins dont want to pay him that. I feel like Chiarelli was booted because he invested too much in his own draft picks at the expense of other talent. So Sweeney doesnt want to do that, by starting to invest heavily in Chiarellis young talent. I mean, this is awful. Theres no way around it. Okay, we have picks. Don Sweeney better turn them into fucking gold because right now our defense consists of an ailing olding Zdeno Chara and a half a dozen ice cream cones on fucking skates.  We wont see the playoffs until 2018, if were lucky. 

I’m not sure I want to live in a country where gay marriage is legalized.  -TAV0R

Im not sure I want to live in a world in which The Shaggy Dog has 2 stars, while Whos Harry Crumb? has 1.  So, we should totally get an apartment together somewhere.

The What’s What, Volume 162

I remember my first girlfriend and I were so excited to get to actually have sex completely.  Because 99.9999999999% of the times we’d do it, parents were around, so we’d only get the bare essentials exposed.  Her dad dislocated his thumb at a softball game and her mom dashed out of the house to go pick him up.  We were like ohmygod finally and threw our clothes off and it was a whole big event.  God I don’t miss being a teenager.  -VesperRemains

“Dads in the hospital!”
“Awesome news. Lets fuck!”

If you don’t believe there is a god/higher power… if you believe the physical world is all, and that our existence is a random chance happening, how do you not then take on a nihilistic worldview? Logically, to have the former perspective necessitates the latter. Yet you rarely see an atheist hold both views. -PabloSanFillipo

Because existentialism exists. It was probably a pretty shitty time for humans before we gained sentience. Once we recognized that we were different from the other animals, and can vocalize that to each other, it becomes in your instinctual best interests to perpetuate the species, which requires consideration of strangers.  The next step is essentially globalism.  Im not sure well make that leap, though.  We’ll probably kill ourselves off long before that.

Do you think the dearth of good female characters in Breaking Bad stops it from being the best ever? -legrev

One of my favorite sideplots about this show was the amount of women nagging about only being portrayed on TV as wet blankets, because they automatically reinforce the exact negative stereotype they are trying to fight.  In my day, many people having a strong reaction to a character meant that it was good writing.  Now, you get to be offended and have others bend over backwards to cater to you.  Regarding intellect, the shorter people get to reap the low hanging fruit. 

Dad blocked the computer from going on pornsites. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuck -Leoooone

My Dad would have needed my help installing a porn filter.  I recommend installing one on his computer.  That should make your point.

Jem was a magical superhero rockstar last time I checked. wtf r u doin hollywood  -DarthSteve

Truly outrageous.  Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Why are Americans so interested in politics? -JohnCena42

They aren’t.  They just like hearing themselves and feeling right.  Talking politics isnt critical thinking, its defending a side. You’re choosing to waste your time playing “pretend lawyer”. No ones position ever changes, because they’re defending a position, not using their cognitive reasoning. You get a say. Its called a vote, and most people dont do that. Sure, you can write your Congressman, but youll get a form letter back. The guy you didnt know existed until he got elected doesnt care about your opinion, why do you think ShenaniGUNZ13 does? Americans love arguing about politics where their opinion holds absolutely no weight, and then are too lazy to fucking vote, where it actually has the slightest of impacts.  It builds a corruption paradise for those in charge.

Brady’s suspension could be overturned.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I wanna see Jimmy. -Nepats81

I think Goodell is figuring out with his recent troubles, its best to throw the book at people and let the bloodthirsty crowd drink their fill, and then let the appeal work its way down when everyone is on to the next public shame feeding. Hes negotiating from a high position, essentially. Furthermore, theres a chance its all orchestrated between Kraft and Goodell. Goodell gets a better grasp on his unchecked power, and Kraft gets public support over the eventual Garroppolo for Brady exchange.  Maybe not hashed out in so many words, but smart people can say a lot to like minded people without using exact verbiage.  They may be working against each other, but it necessarily isnt in our interests.  In conclusion, those text messages between those two locker room doofuses has to be among the stupidest and most hilarious records of evidence the public has gotten the privilege to enjoy.

Will we need 3 asterisks for Tom Brady*, Bill Belichick*, and Super Bowl XLIX*? Or just Patriots*? -BakingWildCat

This email is saltier than the floor at Williams Sonoma after Michael J Fox goes spice shopping.  

I bought my girlfriend some underwear, but she says “lacy ones hurt her vagina.”  wtf -machooch

She knows they dont go inside, right?

do you ever like to smell your own farts?  so awesome  -fisto_dude

Sometimes Ill test the waters to see if I have to apologize for the smell, or get people to move.  But, no I dont actively enjoy the scent. I enjoy the noise. The smell is an unfortunate inadvertent drawback.

I love Romney but his establishment-friendly side bugs me some times.  I have a strong feeling he’d be very pro NSA/Patriot Act stuff. That saddens me. Excited for him to be removed from actually legislating as an elected official (not that I think he’d always make the wrong calls, but being out of the game has its perks) and now just be a rich old guy who boxes for charity and takes pictures with people like 50 cent.  -WarriorRLink

“I love Chlamydia, but its sexual transmitted disease-y side bugs me sometimes” is essentially what you just said.  Frankly though, I forgot he existed until the charity boxing thing.  I cant even tell you if it already happened and I missed it, though.  And I dont care enough to look it up.  Take all this as you will.

Private number keeps calling me everyday.  Probably just a survey like last time I answered when I already told them to fuck off in a more polite way.  -BoJo4

You aren’t one of those people that posts in YouTube comments, where your opinion means absolutely shit, yet dont do surveys, where people are paid to record your opinion, are you?  I find that shit fascinating.

I recently #SharkTank’d a telemarketer.  He was trying to sell me some bullshit and I was all “The numbers just arent there for me, and for that reason………………. Im out.” *click*  Bitch got Mister Wonderful’d.

Where does U2 come off? First they hack peoples phones and now they screw up our commute home?  Impromptu busking concert in Grand Central Station. That must have royally screwed over hundreds if not thousands of people trying to get wherever they gotta go. -Atchamachula

It’s okay, they were playing “Angel of Harlem”. Even U2 fans were walking by.

The health insurance options offered by my work place are a joke.  The cheapest option, costing me roughly $200 a month without dental or vision, has a $2,600 deductible per individual. That’s $5,200 if I’m trying to cover my wife and I, which we’d not hit unless getting into a serious accident or something.  The option with the lowest deductible of $600/individual would cost me about $400 a month.  -ForgotTheQuestion

Corporations dont exist to provide for your health, they exist to provide profits to their shareholders.

Did you see the Price is Right give a treadmill to a lady in a wheelchair?  Shit was awkward. -CanadiAnne

I had the day off and watched it LIVE!  My favorite part was how the announcer, George Gray, was all “a treadmill and A NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW SAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Seriously, it took 20 minutes to get her on stage, they couldnt have thrown together the next game or at least brought in a washer or dryer or something?

The What’s What, Volume 161

When was the last time white people rioted in America? During the Revolutionary War? -Han_Soulo

If Dr. McDreamy dying won’t do it, you’re gonna have to go back to the latest sports championship in a retarded city.  Or you can ban mayonnaise.

Whats the best part of the weekend? -MackZorris

That second when you get out of work and its the longest possible time until you work again is so energizing. But I’m old and dont do clubs anymore, so I’ll have to say Saturday. You have the full day for fun. And you still know that you have Sunday for the big breakfasts, football and recuperative general laziness.  Game of Thrones is pretty much the only thing saving Sunday Night from being a total suckfest.

Morpheus: “Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?”  Do they ever answer these questions? -tymedrift

I think it was a metaphor for the rest of the entire movie.

wtf bruce jenner lol -Nepats81

I don’t like how hes been given a pass on that person she killed in a car accident, and then blamed some random car full of papparazzi.  That whole 2 hours and Diane Sawyer never asked about it.  I realize theres an investigation and he cant say much, but she could have, at least, said the name of the person he was partly responsible for the death of.  Avoiding it completely comes off as a white wash.  Like we’re canonizing him right now so we cant really be bothered with that person she killed or else it would really turd up the narrative of heroism.  

Are the people that preach religion on the internet trolls? -OV_Guinness

I think people who “spread the word” on the internet are, at best, trolls. At worst, they are honest, hopeful people that think that the word of the Lord is their job to spread, like it claims in the gospels, etc. In which case I feel theyve misread the Bible, as God has given them a Life to enjoy, and praise God while doing it, like when people ask about how you are able to accomplish wonderful things with the Life God gave you. Everyone on the internet knows what their relationship with God is. It might be great, it might be non-existant, it might be different than a Christian experience, it might be antagonistic. But, then they are essentially inviting these opinions, knowing the negatives will flock in the hopes of spreading the Word of God they already know well about.

You not only have the right to believe what you want, but you have the right to believe a little or passionately wrap your Life around it. Its admirable to an extent. These people only want the best for people they dont know. It comes from a place with love. But, so are bronies.  However, by definition, they have to be considered trolls, as they are only invoking the negative opinion from people who disagree on the subject.  Even in honesty and consideration, does grey area exist.

Handheld or Console Gaming? -Fuhgeddit

They each have their place. I enjoy both, so you’re essentially asking me if Id rather be in my house or in line at the DMV or some bullshit.  The association alone is going to make me lean towards console gaming. Overall, I still think console has the nudge.

would you rather have very little self awareness or a shit ton of self awareness? the former means you will likely come off as rude and disgusting 9/10 times and the latter would most likely mean you are an awkward dork. -BaruchCollege

How does self awareness produce awkwardness in social situations? Being self aware means you realize you are one of many, so you are instinctively considerate of others. Or is this what awkward dorks are telling themselves, so that they can claim some sort of superior social graces?  Thats not self-awareness, thats vanity. Caring what people think and considering their feelings are two different things.

just browsin.  -fisto_dude

You ceased to be browsing the second you pressed send. Now, you are clearly active in the community. Getcha verbs straight.

You know Tinder really helps assure me that im actually somewhat attractive. I have over 30 matches and a good 20 of them are fucking beautiful. -goofballmcgee

This would be a tremendous humblebrag, except theres not a hint of humility.

Have you ever gotten head where she spins her head around 360 degrees? -hotsocks

So, Im still in her mouth when she spins her head in a 360?  Like, did I fly around the room, or did she rip my dick off? Cause this is a dealbreaker for me.

I don’t want characters like Lara Croft desexualized. -SamusPirate

If I had the choice of big boobies on Lara Croft or everyone shutting the fuck up about big boobies on Lara Croft, I’d take the peace and quiet and 32Bs.  We’re different people though, it’s cool.

Missouri legislator introduces bill to ban food stamps from being used for steak and lobster. -Walter_Black

Im all for fighting corruption, by the poor or rich.  But, I dont care what kind of food my taxpayer money is buying. As long as its food, and from a grocery store. When I start telling some grandmother she cant have a fucking lobster roll on her birthday, then I can go fuck myself.

The What’s What, Volume 160

Don’t have sex with people who are gossipy.  they’ll talk about how you were, with everybody. this doesn’t apply to me because i don’t go for shitty people, but this one guy i know didn’t last long inside this chick, she ran her mouth, and now lots of people know. it’s fucked up. -bcthedog

It’s not just sex. It’s everything. If someone tells me something private about someone else, I wonder what they are telling other people about me, and don’t share private things with them. Unless I have to associate with them for work or family or some reason, it’s pretty much over at that point.

Well. I finally started Game of Thrones. Talk about porn masquerading as art.  It’s basically “Lord of the Rings: Now With Boobies!”.  This is what everybody has been so worked up over? Thanks, but I’ll get back to watching shows with actual substance like The Sopranos, The Wire… hell even Firefly.  I’m not against softcore or even hardcore porn, but at least don’t pretend to be something else.  -shadowkedu

The Sopranos were liberal, in a way, with their nudity. In places, it seemed way more shoehorned in for HBO. Meetings were taking place at the Bada Bing just so boobies would be included in this weeks episode.  Al least, it seemed that way to me. Game of Thrones is a more visceral, primal, and graphic show regarding all facets of humanity, in everything from violence, to depravity and betrayal. It makes absolute perfect sense that sex would be portrayed in the same manner.  I’m sorry your delicate sensibilities were offended. You’re missing out on some amazing crafting of fiction.

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind wen you think of Africa? KushedOut840

Toto and Vuvuzelas. In that order.

Does it ever depress you that you aren’t a unique and special snowflake? especially in crowded public places, traffic jams, school campus, work, etc. Even the way we eat is depressingly mass production-like. Stuff ’em in, get ’em out, get in line, shuffle along, ad nauseum  -TerminalRage

We are unique. But, so is everyone else. Im special and important to about 200 awesome people. Thats fine by me. I dont need to be special to humanity. Fame is for attention whores.

There was no better game show than old school American Gladiators!!! To this day I still want to play Assault. I used to set up furniture in my parents basement with “stations” and i had two nerf ballzookas that acted as the gladiator gun!! And who didn’t want to mess around on the treadmill part of the Eliminator?! -machooch

I remember when there was a two hour block of the A-Team, Dukes of Hazzard, American Gladiators and Battle of the Network Stars. It was Friday Nights, and my Dad would have poker games and Id run in steal a bunch of snacks and go sit in front of my parents bedroom TV living the life of an 8 year old.

Can we agree Baseball is boring?

I can see where kids today dont have the attention span to enjoy baseball the way it is supposed to be. Theres like 15 minutes of actual happenings if you condense it all down. For a three hour event taking 18 3-minute breaks in between, it could do a lot towards keeping the kids interested. I like it the way it is, but if we need a pitching clock or whatever to keep people on board and allow me die in 50 years still watching it, then Im willing to make concessions.

Damn Kanye is going HAM on Twitter right now.  -PabloSanFillipo

I cant get off the fence with this guy. Hes a talented lyricist but he such a fucking retarded clown shoe, socially.  Hes been a bigger anus sandwich, as of recently, so Im losing patience fast.

What happened to Steve Guttenberg?   -Catari

Yeah, he disappeared.  But he was never destined for Oscars.  He probably is making Police Academy and Short Circuit residuals and has a nice safe house and sweet family somewhere quiet.  Its much sadder to go the way of Christian Slater. He was like the Keanu Reeves of the 90s, for you kids.  Leonardo DiCaprio should send Christian Slater an Edible Arrangements every Christmas for disappearing and opening the door to his entire career.  He was doing comedies and dramas, and now hes doing CSI.  

Harrison Ford Crashes Plane into Golf Course. Is treated by Doctors playing 18. -BoJo4

That has to be the whitest fucking thing Ive heard since Richard Simmons piered his yacht at the Edelstein Bar Mitzvah in Nantucket.

The What’s What, Volume 159

People who insist on eathing their food with chopsticks. Stahp. They invented forks and spoons for a reason. SMH -diamondtime

My neighbor visited Japan and bought this cherrywood and steel sake/sushi set as a souvenir. Fast forward 20 years later, and shes going to put it out at a garage sale for $5. The shit was worth hundreds when she bought it. Damn right I scooped that shit up and ate chicken nuggets and Kool-Aid by the shot with that thing for DAYS. Id have eaten Frosted Flakes out of the motherfucker if I could have. But thats my limit. I dont break apart the cheap chopsticks at your local crab rangoonery and rub them together just for the sake of doing so. That shit is rookie mode.

I need a metaphor for a clown funeral.  Hit me with it. -CanadiAnne

I always wondered why the creatures that fart silk and shit honey are the most terrifying creatures on the planet. Why cant koala bears make this stuff?  I mean, I dont have the phrasing down for you, but that fits for me.

How long would you survive in medieval times ?

Id like to think I could get away with some grift utilizing my future knowledge.  But just learning how to speak without arousing suspicion, or being labeled a magician or whatever seems like a tough sell. I would like to think that I had some basic knowledge of horsemanship or smelting and smithing or whatever, but I have none of that. I bet I could offer my services as a cook to an Inn in exchange for a small pittance and a room. But honestly, and its crazy to say, I think my best shot would be in medicine. I have a pretty solid standard knowledge, no medical school or anything, but I dont think it would be needed. These people were still shitting where they ate. Id break out cocaine 200 years before its time, treat everyone with that shit and make fucking gold. Just getting people to wash their hands once a day might save some serious fucking problems.  But that also might get me burned at the stake.  It’s a fine line, youd think.

So, this couple got these red splotchy tattoos on their legs because theyre daughter has a red splotchy birthmark on her leg.  What in the actual fuck? -OAmber

I get the sentiment and all, but instead of awkward “What happened to your daughter?” questions, they’ll be responding to awkward “What happened to your family?” questions, only now they have to give two answers. I mean… why dont they all just wear pants?

Would you rather know when you’re going to die or what you’re going to die from? -BakingWildCat

Knowing what killed you could be more beneficial in regards to preventing that death and getting to your second killer. If the door were open to that situation, Id have to think about that some more. Otherwise, give me the when.

Are you attracted to red pubic hair? -RealLeoAvus

Just so I could call her “FantaPants” and yell “FIRE IN THE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE” when she takes her panties off.

Who do you want to see at the Super Bowl halftime show in 2016? It’s really hard to pick an artist that doesn’t suck because they’ll either be too obscure (for the venue) or the genre they’re in is too niche for all the old white people watching. -smokemeth

Neil Patrick Harris. No, really. I want the Super Bowl halftime show to be a giant flashy musical 12-minute opera that summarizes and lampoons the entire season. Midgets in lego suits recreating popular highlights and endings to good games. Light and tongue-in-cheek, like the Oscars opening number had sex with the Beijing Olympic opening ceremony. But the NFL stuffed shirts would never allow themselves to be the butt of jokes, integrity of the game, all that bullshit. I could see someone who crosses genres like Macklemore getting a bid. But it’s probably going to be someone we havent heard of yet.

Have you found the meaning of life?  Or at the very least meaning in your own life? -SushiAddict

Supporting the happiness of myself and those closest to me. Im a simple person, and okay with that.

The Whats What, Volume 158

Good to see Icky Woods getting some work.  We were worried about him.  -SirBratwurst

The thing that bothers me about that commercial is that the dude already has cold cuts in his hand. He spikes them.  Its like he ordered a half pound of Boars Head maple turkey, and thought he needed a new number for his Land o Lakes.  Fucking amateur.

Deflategate take, mate?  -DaGreatOne3613

You know. I’ve developed this theory where Bill Belichick has gone through the NFL Rulebook looking for risk/reward situation gainers, and anything that can offer a distinct advantage to his team, with incidental and “off the field penalties” and fines is why his team is so good in the second half of games and the reason he stockpiles draft picks. And you know what else? ITS FUCKING GENIUS. And I guess Id be pissed too if someone else thought of it first and won a bunch of Super Bowls because of it.

Who do you want to star in the Ghostbusters reboot? Emma Stone, Gillian Jacobs, Kirstin Wiig? -Skyward_Sword

They sat on Ghostbusters 3 for too long. I, personally, blame Bill Murray. I feel bad for Dan Aykroyd. Hes an underrated writer, and this was his best received effort. He spent a lot of time and effort on GhostBusters 3, and deserves to have another shot at the franchise.  But Harold Ramis had to go and die, and now its scramble time to piece together what can be.

Under no circumstances should effort towards an all women reboot continue. I get we want to make an effort towards strong female leads, and Im all for it. It even gives girl geeks sciencey big screen role models. Im all for that. Four Ghostbusters with two women should be the maximum amount of estrogen in the picture. Using exclusively female leads forces the issue, which takes focus away from the actual movie and performance, and that turns off everyone, including women. Using three women would lead to a likely disaster, and this is their fucking chance to get back into mainstream consciousness. Shit on this opportunity, no more Ghostbusters ever.

Bring the franchise back into the world with a solid, more traditional cast, and then for the NEXT movie, you can have three women, bringing back the 2 from the first movie. Thats a natural progression and it capitalizes on the good will from both the nostalgic crew and the newer fans brought in by a successful reboot.  It can be a franchise, it doesnt have to be a trilogy.  Dan Aykroyd is a good enough writer.

Has anyone fallen off harder than Lady Gaga?  that weren’t deaths, obviously.  I’m sure there’s some notable examples, but I feel like she’s a pretty significant case of famous one day and irrelevant the next. -lynx_123

You’re saying an unattractive artsy pop girl who dresses up in meat may have been a gimmick?  Get out of here.

Dilemma; 10/10 girl in our office shits her brains out like clockwork every afternoon. I’m stuck with the consequences. What do? -ClevelandGamer

This is easy as hell.   If shes soooo clockwork, then 5 minutes before she goes in, you go in and turn on the fan and spray some air freshener around EVERY DAY UNTIL SHE GETS IT.

 I wasn’t the biggest dog person, but I have no problem with Pit Bulls. I’m no longer scared of dogs, if you are, check yourself cause you must have a personal reason.  If you even had a problem with a single dog, blame the owner not the breed.   -capitalsea

All dogs are naturally aggressive, its the breeding that domesticates them. Pitbulls have not undergone such lengths of domesticative breeding. Some of their breeding has traditionally been for fighting and protection. Thats one strike against them, as a breed.  Chihuahuas are one of the most aggressive breeds of dog. When they attack, though, they may not even break skin. When pitbulls attack, they can kill anything they outweigh, including adults. Strike 2.  At the end of the day, it’s pretty much social irresponsibility to own a pitbull. You’re being selfish. Im sure some of you have had loving pitbulls in your lives and will shirk from the truth because of your experience. But you would also concede that if you had owned a Boxer, German Shepard or Golden Retriever instead, you would have loved it the same. Instead, you chose the direct risk of having someone you know or love suffer serious injury or death to include your family companion. Making that choice, is what makes you selfish and irresponsible.

Josh Gad is everywhere now. -DarthEric

And none of the evidence he is providing proves he is funny.  He was tryhard on the Daily Show, like he was doing a Chris Farley impression. 1600 Penn was an unfunny disaster. He hit the jackpot voicing a retarded snowman in the biggest kids movie ever, so now he gets a starring role in Hitch 2 with also overexposed Kevin Hart?  Anyone can come out of that role in Book of Mormon looking like a star.  What the fuck, Hollywood? Is there really no fresh talent available? Why are we giving people America has been rejecting as unfunny for years more chances?  People have some weird blinders on. 

Let me tell you what one of the worst feelings in the world is… It’s when a girl who’s into you and you’re not necessarily into her but you start feeling something just because she initiated it and you grow a bit attached. All of a sudden when you lose touch for a little while (even just a month), she either goes back to her long term ex, gets busy with family etc and completely forgets about you. -Zabinga

Well, you didnt even like her. You just liked the fact that she liked you, and made you feel good about yourself.  Thats the feeling from her you enjoyed, you didnt actually care about the person.  Try not to let your need for attention get you into an emotional situation you arent prepared to get out of.

I’m struggling with my weight. I used to be in decent shape at 6’4″ 235 but now I’m up to 260 or 270. I’m not obese but I definitely have a little bit of a belly. I try to exercise but I’m so damn hungry all the time I just want to eat fucking everything. Especially when I exercise that just makes the hunger worse. How do you  deal with the hunger? -BeLump

Im cheating at life.  Im using something called “metacognition” which is essentially hacking your brain.  It took me several years in the mid-late 90s to figure out the specifics and do all the heavy lifting, but now Im finding its like riding a bike.  Basically, what I am doing is identifying things that are efficient opportunities for positive change in my life.  In this case, weight loss for you, something I took on last year.  I do a series of brain exercises to visualize myself doing the things to achieve that goal, and then I use other brain exercises to associate that visualization with things that motivate me.  In this case, I was able to use hunger to reassure me. I “tricked myself” into associating hunger as the bodies way of notifying you it had started to use stored energy.  I used it as motivation, rewarded myself with something different that would “occupy” hunger, which built further reward knowing results are on the horizon.   It’s tough to explain, and just reading that wont work for you.  It took me years to figure out what did work for me.  Some people learn and process information in different ways,  and I really cant help you unless we process information the same way.  Maybe I can help you figure out how youd process information and the next step, but that would only start you on your way.  Its a very powerful tool, eventually, though.  I hadnt ever tried to lose weight before, and the first time I did, I lost 25 pounds in 4 months.  I  quit smoking the first time, absolved myself from guilt, and removed internal negativity in previous successful attempts.  Good Luck, however you go for it.

Do you truly believe that deep down you are better than everyone else? -Catari

You should. Otherwise, why are you living your life that way?   Not like my wishes, dreams or thoughts are worth more than the next man, but I believe that I am better at living life. 

The What’s What, Volume 157

Is ordering a burrito bowl the gayest thing ever? I love women… that’s the point, it’s a woman’s order, not a man’s. I will give any man ordering a “bowl” shit. I expect women to do it lol, it was invented for them. -JohnMcClane

If you enjoy stuffing a warm thick dense skin-like object with a fold at the top like a foreskin into your mouth, you can knock yourself out all day. But you’re going to sound like an idiot arguing that eating a burrito is somehow more manly than a bowl of food with a fucking fork, which you can use to kill assailants at any time during the meal. Your contention is wholly fucking ludicrous, and I wont stand for it.

Star Wars trailer? Star Wars trailer. -FlagstaffMerc

The Millennium Falcon sucks. There, I fucking said it.

Lukes XWing single-handedly blows up the Death Star, its still some random nameless X-Wing. There’s countless models of YT-1300s floating about the galaxy, but you are getting excited when you see a 1992 Honda Civic because the admittedly proud liar who drives the thing says its awesome. And we fucking eat it up like winter oatmeal. We let our panties melt by the big-talking sailor with a cute face and a leather vest.

Oh, it broke some important time on some training run like decades ago between movies, says the admitted criminal? Im sure that happened. Especially since every time we see the bolt and nutload on screen, it’s breaking down or under performing until JUST the right moment, and were supposed to somehow believe it makes another 30 years without being heaped? It was barely a functioning junk heap at the time and there is absolutely no reason for it existence in a sequel taking place decades later.

Rate Buffalo Wild Wings / 10 Just brought some home. Got boneless jalapeno seasoning and regular buffalo seasoning. Having it with beer. 8.5/10 pretty damn good -ignoramasaurus

Sorry, I just can’t. The sauces are fine. Fatty and salty, but so are all sauces. The chicken is processed or barded. It doesn’t need to be. They could have a real wholesome chicken joint if they wanted to. But they’d rather make a few more pennies selling filler and synthetic fats with microwaves. Which Im not even against in occasional moderation. But there are better flavours Im willing to trade in for minutes of life, and these dont cut it for me. No thanks. But you have fun. 3/10

I dont think your as intelligent as you think you are. -zer00

I dont think Im all that smart. I may just have a different way of seeing things than the majority of people. It’s not always right, I get that. But YOURE essentially Stevie Wonder calling Ray Charles an asshole because he’s black, blind and has a successful piano career. That doesnt seem that bright, either.

So Far Cry’s driving controls could be worst ever. Loving the game so far, gorgeous and fun. Hard to believe it came from the same developer as AC Unity. That being said, if it wasn’t for autodrive, I would never drive in the game. -pswii60

I dont mind the Far Cry driving. It makes for shooting people easier than using 3 trigger buttons at the same time or whatever. Just the brakes are a problem. I dont have issues steering or getting around. Its kind of refreshing, larfy and fun. Fast Travel and running always good, too.

My girlfriend claims she hasnt farted in three years, we’ve been dating for two. Thats a normal body function. How can this be? Is that possible or is she a liar? -TerminalRage

I recently barfed for the first time since May 10th, 2009. Yes, I know the exact date and time thanks to Google Calendar. But, THATS a normal body function. Maybe she just stifles farts until shes sleeping. If you hold it in, does a fart really still exist? Does she burp a lot? I only have more questions, because I am not a gastro-enterologist. I wouldnt let it get to you. At worst, shes lying about a small embarrassment.

I really hope after Craig is gone that Bond goes back to being more tongue in cheek. But it won’t happen -BeLump

That shit was super campy for me, even before Austin Powers. I prefer the way it is now. I suppose Id make my own changes, but I absolutely enjoy the recent trend towards fictional documentaries like Damons Bourne and Craigs Bond. I dont mind the occasional wisecrack, but I see comedies for laughs. I go to movie theatres so the big kabooms can fuck my eyeballs for me.

Worst Christmas trend this year? -CanadiAnne

Maybe just more common for me this year were people who spend the first 24 days of December preaching about keeping the Christ in Christmas, but then posting photos of presents and wrapping paper everywhere on the actual day. I didnt see one picture of a prayer gathering or church service. I dont think they even got the contradiction. Itll be around next year, too.

So they’re going to merge Men in Black with 21 Jumpstreet. Sounds ridiculous, but also funny. -OAmber

Is Men In Black really that popular, still? Cant we have the guy who wrote “The Other Guys” write another buddy cop movie for Hill and Tatum or something? Put them in SuperTroopers 2, I dont care. These guys are funny and all, but I dont need more CGI celebrity aliens. I think weve all outgrown that, as a culture.

If you do heroin one time, will it mess you up forever? -codcmndr

It depends. Will doing it once change your mind on just doing it once?

The What’s What, Volume 156

Apple CEO Tim Cook reveals he’s “proud to be gay.” Can’t wait to see how many people denounce Apple for something that doesn’t involve them or their phones. -codcmndr

You cant reveal to be proud of anything. Either you are proud of something and dont give a fuck what others think, and others notice it. Or you give a fuck what others think and you keep certain details private. By keeping those details private, that is the DIRECT OPPOSITE of being proud of them. Youre hiding them. Youre ashamed. You thought assholes would keep you out of a CEO position because of it. You may have been right. Whatever. Im glad you can be who you are now. But you dont get to celebrate coming out of a closet you claim you were never in.

Do you believe in karma? That your actions could affect your future luck -BeLump

I absolutely believe that actions can effect your future luck. I don’t think that means karma exists, as its commonly considered to be a “good things happen to good people and the bad guys get theirs in the end”. I understand thats not what the traditional eastern view of karma is, but I dont think its what you put, either.

Rate fried catfish/10 -FlagstaffMerc

It’s okay. I prefer my clams fried, and my catfish cajun’d. But it’s got its place. 7/10

Say something nice about a video game you hate. Be genuine. -FeelTerrine

Ni No Kuni had an uplifting tone. I worked on that for like 12 minutes. Seriously.

what’s up with the obsession for that adult swim short “too many cooks”? i swear AS is so weird. -BoJo4

Whether you love it or hate it, you probably agree with me that it’s ridiculous. My wife and I both stumbled upon the same showing in different rooms. I lasted longer than she did, but I came in a little late. Everyone in my circle is a pretty polarized 50/50, love it or hate it, no one in the middle. I thought it was daring, and worth watching. But its complete mayhem, no doubt. Easy to prove, too. Just sing the theme song in public. I guarantee groans AND smiles.

Why do we, as a society, pretend that teenagers dating matters at all? Like who the fuck cares? It’s just a bunch of kids being young. -MonsterEnergy

Some people do marry their high school sweethearts and the world goes “Awwwww SUPER SWEET” to their faces but then when they walk away its all “Well, there are two people deathly afraid to be alone.” and people do look down on them in some aspects. But Im not sure society pretends that anything teenagers do matters. They’re quite disenfranchised. They have no legal personship, no voting rights. As long as they arent committing heinous felonies, things get brushed off pretty quick after high school. Permanent record, HAHAHAHAHA.

I’m not the same person I was five years ago. Im much less sad and miserable. -amurrican

If you were the same person, youd be failing life.

Does freedom of religion exist? So much religious discrimination these days makes me question this. I’m an atheist but nobody should be discriminated against because of what they believe unless they are actually hurting someone. That is all. -Catari

I notice you didnt mention of you believe that Muslims or Christians are the ones being discriminated against, and you also didnt describe the discrimination. Im going to assume that was by design and answer as least offensive to all denominations as possible.

Freedom of Religion only gives you the right to practice your religion without interference from the government. Same with Freedom of Speech. You can’t be jailed, thats all. Other people still get to use their Freedom of Speech to criticize the actions and beliefs of whoever they want; the government, religion, zoning laws, the guy who just stole your parking space, go gettem.

anti-feminism bullshit circlejerk -lippiti

You don’t get equality by giving advantages to one side, so that the results are similar. You treat everyone the same, regardless of the results.

The What’s What, Volume 155

why does no one seem to care that willie wonka has some weird race working as slaves? -whitesox213

I think the story goes that he saved them all from Vermicious Knids. But the real question is how did Vermicious Knids get to Loompa Land? They are not an originating species. It’s obvious Wonka introduced the species to the planet in a False Flag operation so that he could “save” them to his free labour factory.

How often did you get rejected? Like on a x out of 10 girls, how many of them do you see dont go past just a friendship or past anything at all? -BeLump

I wasnt counting rejections, I was counting victories.

If you could go back in time and fuck anyone… What time in the past would you go, and who would you give the business too? Stevie Nicks, 1976 for me. -VecTron

I’m not gay, but I’d fuck Hitler in the ass, 1942. I feel like a lot of Jewish girls today would want the dick that fucked Hitler. Plus, Id get to be on Good Morning America and shit.

List the three things a caveman would be most impressed by if you brought him to 2014. From most impressive to least impressive. 1. Cars 2. Credit cards 3. Running water. -RuralRabbi

Ill give you cars and running water, but credit cards? He doesnt know what money is, and you’re going to show him a tiny square piece of plastic? No way. My list is 1. Bic Lighter. He’d probably kill you when he saw it, just so that he could take it from you. Or hed think you were a wizard, and kill you for it. 2.) A gun. Youd show it to him, he’d shrug. Then you kill a deer with it, and hed get the idea. Hed then kill you and take it from you. 3.) Fireworks lighting a Nuclear bomb. You want him to be impressed, right?

Guy Fieri needs his own brand of TV Dinners. THen finally we can eat quality cuisine while watching the 5 time Emmy winning Diners Drive Ins and Dives. 10% of profits go to Save Flavortown Charity -diamondtime

I feel like there are still some people who aren’t in the loop and take him seriously. Professionally, I mean. Sure he can go to great restaurants, crack a few lowest common denominator jokes, act like good food is good by listing off the ingredients as he tastes them, and slap his crazy haircut on any box that will filet, rub and stuff his wallet for him. Sure, he’s serviceable enough as all those things. But as a respected chef, restauranteur or credible food opiners go in the actual professional community, he is absolutely nowhere near any of those things.

Lord of the Rings is lame. I hate everything about it. -Intricitease

The books are literally epic, and Im not even a fan. Theyve been popular for like 70 years. They’re the sole inspiration for everything in the fantasy genre thats followed it.

The movies were worth watching. Though they got increasingly more fantastical and reliant upon insane CGI rather than the story as the series progressed to the point where the Hobbit spinoffs are almost unwatchable to anything but super fans, small children and the intrinsically retarded.

are you easily deceived? Of Course noit I stay Sucka-Free -HeartBreakPlaya213

You have no idea how many times you’ve been successfully deceived. Of course you dont think you are easily deceived, because you can only recognize the times that deception failed against you.

Thoughts on that #HollaBack video where the girl has a compilation video of getting harassed on the street?

She’s also including polite hellos like theyre offensive and cutting out the parts where she gives cute guys her number, so the whole thing is dubious to begin with. But, I particularly enjoy when ugly fat women are all “Oh Yeah, catcalls are a HUGE EVERYDAY problem for me.” in the comments section. These women are knocking each other over in order to get to their own stories of how they deal with it all the time and how the video is so accurate, because they get to be self-righteous WHILE self-identifying as attractive AT THE SAME TIME. But really, it’s not a problem for them. Theyre counting that one drunk creep in Cancun six years ago. It’s a problem for hot people, only. Women arent going to post “That’s not a problem for me.” because then its admitting this problem of VAST AMOUNTS of unwanted attention that everyone is complaining about is not being given to them. The story is built to give you only one side. It’s 100% anecdotal, no matter how many unverifiable anecdotes you add up, it doesnt become scientific.

Why does spam get so much hate? -UncleRaunchi

I dont think people know that Spam means “spiced ham” and is actually real meat and everything. Its just spices. People eat canned hash and then insult Spam like its beetle meat or some shit. Anyone who enjoys spam has been introduced to it by the military or brought home from the military, so that might have something to do with the budget considerations. It cant help the association that weve named internet junk mail after it. I blame Hormels lobbying people for that nifty trick. Spam is nostalgic for people because its unique and comforting in the way nostalgia is. Hell, the island nation of Hawaii is a spam stronghold and the only reason for that is WW2.

Question about making out with a girl. What does it mean when her nipples get hard? -ignoramasaurus

They’re natures meat thermometers. It means her boobs are done.

What’s your thoughts on the Gamergate debate? What side do you stand on? -tro441

Like most events that get people bent out of shape, this hullabaloo is no more than extremist assholes arguing with contradictory extremist assholes. The 90% in the middle recognize flaws in both arguments, and get bored of listening to everyone shout about how wrong they are. I look forward to November when no one is talking about this any more because they are arguing with all new assholes over something else mundanely retarded.