The What’s What, Volume 34

I never understood why they put mentally retarded kids in the same school with real people? -maestroofdoom

It’s so people can become accepting of them. They make you eat lunch with them so you know not to stare at them while they eat. They “pet” them off to the football team so jocks can feel better about themselves as they are scrubbing the toilet with a nerds face.  You know, basic social courtesy.

So there is this girl that I kinda have my eye on– but I haven’t found a way to break the ice and get further than a few hellos here and there.  She likes to read/write fiction, but she tells me she’s been suffering from writers block. I was thinking, I could offer that her and I could co-author something together during the next few weeks whenever we can so she can over come her writer’s block.  Cheesy?  Stupid? Works? -WaffleMurderer

I resent the term “writers block” as most hobbyists use it as a buzzword for their laziness, when in fact they just want to talk about the fact that they write to look creative and educated.  But, by all means, I’ve done crazy things to get knuckle deep.

When I got around college age, an older co-worker told me “You got to learn to play golf…because business deals don’t get done at pickup games.” Strange to hear from one black guy to another, but he was right! The only business deal I’ve ever seen happen during a b-ball game was a drug deal in that movie “New Jack City”.

After making too many excuses not to, my sister bought me a set of clubs and I learned to play…but then Obama gets in office and I see him playing ball with other politicians. One of the dudes he plays ball with got a cabinet position. I don’t think that’s why he got the position…but I’m sure it didn’t hurt his chances.  Could basketball be the new golf? -HotAnxiety

Golf is six hours of primarily walking or waiting.  Basketball is high paced and tiring. Plus the settings are less conducive to business.  Open manicured lawns vs. sweaty, stinky gym.  Even when deals were done “on the tennis court” they were done in the country club, in the bar after the workout.  I think golf is still going to be the way to go here.

I’ve never understood the conquest of “taking a virgin”. Really, sex for the first time is akward and uncomfortable. And for women, it’s suppose to be something they hold very close in thier memories. I can see how some guys might think of this as a “victory” so to speak, but in reality, you’re just being a gigantic douche imo.

A virgin is “tight” I guess? I just think that ruining a womans first experience is such a ****ed up thing to do. Especially if that’s your whole intent. It’s guys like you that make fathers the world over hate young men. I can only hope that you yourself have a child, it’s a girl, and you have to think about how a guy like you tried to destroy what was sacred in her sex life.  -FromdaHillz

I’ve claimed 5 virgins and I don’t feel I “destroyed” anything sacred. It adds me a lifetime of self-esteem to know that 5 beautiful girls entrusted me enough with that responsibility. Every time they discuss with their boyfriends past partners, every time they hear the word “virginal”, when they have to realize that their own kids are having sex in 20 years or whatever, they’ll be thinking of me. And from all accounts, I’ve made that experience pleasant and comfortable.  Just because your sex is awkward and uncomfortable, doesn’t mean everyone else is a douche.

Domestic abuse is not a laughing matter. -Xboxgerrl

I’m sympathetic to a woman once per man for these incidents. The second time shifts from sympathetic, to perception of pathetic.  Just my nature, not something I choose to react to.  As far as I’m concerned, if you go back, you have rationalized it in your relationship as something you will put up with, for whatever benefits you receive in trade.

9 Year old writes essay “How to talk to girls”.  Gets book and movie deals.  Your thoughts? -Spokanefan

Precocious shitcaker. I’ll be sure to take my relationship advice from an expert whos a virgin without pubes.  There are people in this world who actually can dispense good advice.  Why we nationally humour this asshole is way beyond my comprehension.

I’m pretty bummed, a friend of mine is leaving the office next week but tomorrow is the last day I get to see her before she moves to Korea since I will be back in the US.  I bought her tea as a going away gift. -CannonReed

Isn’t that like getting someone going to Idaho a potato?

There is this woman I´m getting close to right now, but….I recently found out that she´s pretty much a racist. She said the N-word several times and made severl comment on the black community. I still like her though. I´m not racist.   Srsly. -tussin

Pop her vagoo and when you are releasing you man chowder, yell “I’m half N!&&AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”  Then dump her.  Good times.

I think we should restart naming diseases after famous people that they claim. Like Lou Gehrigs disease. -BootzMacreary

Crazy wife shot you? Phil Hartman Syndrome. Fat and cocaine could be the Chris Farley disease.
Shotgun suicide is Cobain-itis. What fun!

The What’s What, Volume 18

How exactly do I ask my mom this? I want to ask her why she never circumcised me. But how exactly do I bring that up in conversation? -Edmulled

“Mom, why do you hate jews?” No seriously, just ask her. Someone else asked her when you were born. It’s your penis, you have a right to know.

Rate a band /10: Dropkick Murphys -MrAwesome

9/10. Full disclosure though, I’m from Boston.

If you could prevent 1 persons death in any time in history, who would it be? -SambarLee

If we’re talking Epic History, JFK. If we’re talking personal guilty pleasure; Phil Hartman.

You ever “top-shelf” anyone? -BongZimmer

You mean the Mexican Aquarium? Top-loading? 2,000 Brown Flushes? Up-Tanking? No. I have never done it. Seems like it would be an awkward situation for me. I do know someone who claims to have “High-Bowled” Rachel Ray at her house in Saratoga. Great story he tells.

Should I smoke weed? -Harbringer319

Whichever those options you choose, neither will make you a better person. So, just don’t make a big deal about whichever direction you go, and people don;t have the right to resent you.

Slavery helped African-Americans because otherwise, they’d be starving in Africa. -crider4

If I was a southerner, I’d want white reparations for the transportation and room & board afforded to black people. Unfortunately, my great-great grandfather fought in the Civil war wearing Blue, so I don’t have any claim.

So a mosque is being built near my town and all the Christians are going crazy. Protesting to the government to try to get it stopped. Being an atheist, I really don’t see what the problem is. No one protests churches being built, why should they protest mosques? -Cruzcontrol

Is there another way for a religion built on tolerance to react?

What would you consider the perfect size for your ladies boobs? -BlackDraggin

Anything more than a handful is unnecessary and potentially dangerous. Plus it avoids the chances of some turd-burgling douche-gallon eye-humping your ladies chesticles right in front of you at any given point.

If given a choice between Hamburgers and Hot Dogs only at a BBQ, which one would you pick? -4Chancellor

Sight unseen? I would choose the hot dog, because I’ve been to many a BBQ where the burgers are burnt meatballs on a bun. Tough to fuck up a hot dog.

Are you Circumcised? I am and I’m proud not only because of the many health benefits but As a Jew it is the covenant that Abraham made with G-d when he said every descendant shall have the mark of the covenant. -fibronostalgia

I am, but neither feel pride nor shame because of it.

Would you have sex with your land lord if you were broke and needed to pay rent? What if your land lord was a dude but looked like a young david hasselhoff? -Frazzled

He can eat my cheeseburger off the floor.

Would have sex with your hot boss, regardless of the ramifications? -8bitselect

Depends on the boss, I have like 50.

I’ve never been a big fan of The Boondocks. and I’m black. Is there anything wrong with that? -Razashell

Im a big fan, and I’m white. I don’t think you are an Uncle Tom or anything because you don’t like a cartoon show thats aimed at your demographic. Just shows you are more complex than your skin color, but aren’t we all?

Why are so many people jumping onto the Buddhism bandwagon? Seriously. I’m hearing more and more people talk about how they’re Buddhist while also being their religion. What? -JayMotes

I don’t get how people feel the need to move from one religion to another, like one has the answers they need, and they can’t possibly have an identity of spirituality without religion. Anyway, Buddhism is a fine religion. Could use a dose of it in America. People should recognize that different things don’t have to be classified as better or worse, just different.