The What’s What, Volume 44

Don’t you hate video news stories on sites? If I want to look up news I want to read it, I don’t want to wait for a video to load, see an ad, watch all the boring stuff, etc. I want to be able to read it, skim through to an important part, or just click back if the story wasn’t good.  . -Raistlin666

Absolutely, its one of the reasons I pay for a news site.  That, an no ads or sponsors to hinder stories based on ratings. If I wanted to watch the news, I’d turn on the TV.

Have you ever listened to a bulgarian song? -BuckWalid

Unlikely, unless they snuck one into GTA:IV’s “Chernobyl” station.

Nevada just put a state tax on cigs and it’s about 6 dollars for a pack now. I’m not a real smoker but I went to a pool hall with some friends tonight and we like to have a few cigs while we drink and play pool. So I picked up a pack for all us to share and it was freaking 6 dollars. it used to be 3.50. The cashier told me it’s going up to 7 dollars a pack august 1st. I feel bad for the every day smokers who pound through a pack a day. I realize the government needs money but if they put cig companies out of business aren’t more people going to lose their jobs? -she_bay_bee

I suggest buying cartons online. I used to get my Parliament Lights with Russian warnings on them, but they tasted the same and cost like 1/4 of the price. I just kept a carton or two in the freezer. They probably had lax regulations in Russia, but I rationalized that by smoking any kind of cigarette anyway. Like cigarettes in America are healthy or something?

Im hitting .175 with my RTTS guy in The Show after 63 at-bats. Why did they make hitting so damn hard. Makes me want to stop playing. Everything is just a weak ground ball. -Mass_FX

Yeah, just try and get through spring training. Once you get in the minors you’ll do okay. You are a rookie fresh out of highschool, trying to hit Jake Peavy and Tim Lincecum. Don’t get too discouraged.

do you hit the clearance rack first thing you go inside a store? -Cumulus_Max

My wife and I like the little dollar section as soon as you walk into Target. It’s crazy they put the impulse shopping at the beginning, usually its the end caps and aisles of check-out lanes, but they get us with it every time. But yeah, it only makes sense, you might find what you are looking for on the cheap.

hahah wtf @ The Last Boy Scout opening scene.  he shoots his way to the end zone and then kills himself. -inb404chan

That’s not even the best part. It’s “There’s six feet of mohagany desk between you and me right now; maybe I make it, maybe I don’t.  But if you say that to me one more time, we’re gonna find out.”  Best line of the movie, Damon Wayans made it work.

Would you go out with a girl that had a physical deformity? -SPippen458134

I dated a deaf girl for a while. She made some crazy noises during sex.  Imagine killing a 125 pound wild animal with your penis that laughs the entire time. Bad combination of distracting, disturbing and hilarious.

Did You Expect Your Wife to Change Her Surname? -Sandlotsoffun

I’m the last of my bloodline. So, I told her it was pretty important to me. She did.

What game(s) will you be playing over the weekend?  I’m going to try the new Street Fighter. -KAS321

I’m hoping to complete the GTA IV stunt jumps this weekend.  Probably some Show, also. LBP and 4 man co-op hockey when my friends come over.

DAMN GATOR CUT ME DOWN TO MY PRIME -pimpchimp

Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.

Imus has stage 2 prostate cancer.  Should I feel bad for this dick? -IndianDoug

Nappy headed Cheme-oes? Whatever you feel take into consideration that he does have a place for kids with cancer, I believe.  Granted, its a ranch that lets kids come slave for his property. You have the right to feel conflicted, surely.

Is Scrubs the best sitcom on TV? -BryanD1zzl3

I don’t have the time, want or bandwidth to list the amount of shows that are funnier than Scrubs.  Hermans Head was funnier than Scrubs.  Small Wonder was funnier than Scrubs.

Opening Day! How long will it take for fans to get over teh A-Roid situation? -nyyanks4live

Yankee fans? When he performs well, they’ll forget all about steroids.  Everyone else will never forget.

The What’s What, Volume 28

You smoked cigs?  Why?  And how did you quit? – KarinKoizumii

I did.  Parliament Lights for 10 years. I find the act of smoking almost spiritual. The feel of warmth in the lungs followed by a wash of fog out of the nose. I always enjoyed the feeling.  I quit 2 years ago this Christmas.  I used Chantix, a pill.  And I hate pills.  Still like smoking though.

The people doing all the dirty jobs in society need to be respected and recognized. I don’t like the way people look down on them. They clean up all your ****. -Stussie_King

I couldn’t agree more. I get vocal with anyone who thinks they are a better person because of the job they occupy.  Stranger, Family, or friend; you give flack to the girl that just brought over your chicken entree or the dude who cleaned your table and you will hear about it from me, as I openly tell you how much of my respect you just misplaced.

You switch bodies with a girl and have sex with yourself.  Your reaction? -Slibberty99

“Damn, I eat pussy like a champ.”

How many guys can you have sex with and still qualify as experimenting? What’s the limit? -Deckadunceman

When you have penis thats not yours in your possession or smuggled in your anus, you are at least “bi”. “Experimenting” is a buzzword word bigots use to describe their activities, to make them feel better about hating themselves.

Girls obviously get more attention than guys, but what if we just stopped giving it to them? What would they do? -BillsFan177

Attention is like mana, staph of life to some girls.  But, your plan is flawed. We give them less attention, and some knob seizes the opportunity to give just a taste of a compliment, and her legs just spread open like a hungry bird.

Steve Rhoades vs. Jefferson Darcy: Who was Marcy’s better husband on Married With Children? I liked how free Jefferson was with Al and everyone, but the more I watch older episodes I really am beginning to favor Steve Rhoades much more. How did him and Marcy separate because I don’t remember. Who is better to you as a character? -RattleNHummer

Though No Ma’am was funny at first, it took over the show and became old fast.  I was always a Rhodes scholar myself.  See what I did there? But seriously, he’ll always be Marcy’s husband in my mind.  Plus he was the original pioneer of leaving a show for better things and then flailing miserably as “that guy” who every popular show picks up for one episode.  He paved the way for greats like David Caruso to overestimate their free market worth.  And it’s always great to see someone who takes themselves too seriously get knocked down a peg.

This weekend made me realize that I don’t have it in me to have a one-night stand. I just can’t do it. I mean I’ve made out with girls an hour after meeting them but as far as taking them home to have sex? I can’t do it. Maybe I don’t have the “game” to work girls I just met into spreading their legs, but also it just doesn’t seem something I would do. -DDRNexus

This sounds like you’re trying to convince me.  Are you sure it’s because you don’t have the nerve to try, and you are practicing excuses? If you bang a girl you know you aren’t going to marry, then look at it as doing your future wife a favor.  Don’t worry about their feelings. I’m sure they’ll be able to get over your 8 hours of awesomeness with just a few months of crying alone, curled up in the shower.

What’s so hard about hating individuals instead of groups? -NiarraiN

Don’t associate yourself with groups that suck, if this bothers you.

The What’s What, Volume 19

I really, really, really love prison rape jokes, and i don’t think they’re in poor taste at all hell, they’re probably 70% of the reason why i’m a law-abiding citizen, and i’m pretty sure lot of other people agree that they don’t want to go to prison and get married to lorenzo. that’s a deterrent and a half.  prison rape jokes keep this country together. -GoSpartans

I agree its probably the greatest deterrent to prison for American men.  But, it’s not funny when you think of how many innocent people are imprisoned into this situation every month.

In 1994, How did you feel when Kurt Cobain Died? – Cena_is_God

Shocked that so many people cared.  Girls in my class were crying like he sat next to them yesterday.  I always thought suicide victims should not be mourned, it was their choice.  If anyone I had close ties with committed suicide, I’d take it as a personal insult.  He decided his problems were worth more than your friendship.  It’s like a break-up, only instead of the dissolution of a relationship with eventual mutual benefits, theres a weak minded simpleton that takes himself too seriously and allows menial problems to outweigh permanent relationships as he forsakes them in one last act of insecurity, selfishness, and retardation.

I can’t stand (heheheh) other handicapped people even though I myself am handicapped. Is this wrong? I’d like to think it’s because I rarely let my disability get me down, so I don’t really think about it, thus I don’t view myself as one of them.  Fact is also, that I don’t have a single handicapped friend. -I_Shart_Huckabees

I know this handicapped guy and his attitude of “I can do anything anyone else can do” has become a problem, because he can’t do everything anyone else can do.  Sure, he wants to play games, but old people who want to play and can’t throw a frisbee that far, aren’t trying because they know its infringing on other peoples fun.  It sounds terrible to admit, but I can’t respect any person that can’t accept their own limitations, whatever their condition.

Have you ever had the urge to shave your wife’s rosebud? – LAMode

I can’t say Im all too familiar with that particular opening. That ones hers.  Im a simple guy. I’m pretty meat and potatoes sexually.  She can have all the privacy she wants back there.  So, no.  If she has a hair problem there, I’m blissfully unaware of the issue.

Why does the rest of the country hate Texas so much? -SutherrnBoay

I don’t hate Texas, but I was only there for about an hour, traveling the panhandle from Vegas to Albany.  I saw the moon rise in Texas and I actually thought it was a domed lighted building, because the landscape is so flat.

But, when I asked for a pack of Parliament Lights at the gas-station the single-toothed lady said “You’re a long way from Massachusetts, college boy!” Like she was better than me. I didn’t bother to argue I was a college dropout from Vegas at the time.  Apparently, Texas only has Marlboros and Camels.

I’m sure if I spent more time there, I’d learn to hate it as much as the rest of America.

my mother owes me money…..should i remind her or just let it go?  i picked up some stuff at the mall for her and she said she would pay me back…  about $50 worth of stuff….she said she would pay me the next day (this was about a week ago)  should i just let it go? or what? -JuggledNuts

Ask to borrow $50.

If she says yes, You have your money back, and when she asks for her money back, you can run with “I thought you were paying me back for that thing.”

If she says no nicely, just walk away going “No big deal, I wanted to do something and I’m $50 bucks short this week, for some reason.”

If she says no meanly, yell at her for being a deadbeat who can’t pay her son back $50 bucks.

What Team Should I Use in Tecmo Super Bowl?  Before you say “The Raiders”, I was for a few seasons and need a break from Bo Jacksons awesomeness. -TheDalyFlow

San Francisco has the only play that can’t be stopped.  If you choose the pass play with the tight end hooking in the middle of the linebackers, and the defense chooses that exact play, you can still complete the pass to Brent Jones.  Pick this play when you need a 1st down, watch the line, and if they blitz, hit the TE.  You gotta be quick, with 2 A buttons to choose Jones and a B to throw it to him.  But he catches it, every time.

My sister just had a miscarriage.  I was excited to be an uncle. -EastGundam

If it makes you feel any better, my dad used to tell me I was a stillborn baby.  “We didn’t want you, but you were still born,” he’d say, and laugh.  I hope shes safe and you get your chance to be an uncle.

You have to pick one drink and one food to last for the rest of your life. What will you choose? -EnglishFunnel

Gatorade and chinese food.  Please dont make me be more specific than that.

so i woke up and my brother is standing over me naked….. and he punched me in the arm 3 times.  he found out i used his mach3 to trim my pubes -HairyKrishna

You can’t trim with a Mach3, that’s called shaving.

Go to girls house with 2 good looking girls or not shower eat chips and stay here? Somewhat hard decision… -Chibbers

Go to their house and eat their chips.  This way you get to keep your chips.