The Whats What, Volume 170

Why do you hate autistic people so much? -AlternativeRainman

I dont hate autistic people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im autistic! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!” I dont hate gay people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im gay! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!”  I dont hate white people. I hate people who are all “Hey, look at me! Im white! Pay attention! My grievances should make you angry!”

So everyone, if you are self-identifying as one of those people, Im sorry for the miscommunication, and you can shut the fuck up now.  And if you aren’t, then you werent talking to me, and I wish you good day, you bespectrumed shiny magical unique pink puzzle pieces you.

Whats your favorite Hersheys Miniature? -CanadiAnne

Life is too short to go picking through them. Just grab a few.  The worst thing that will happen to you is a Krackel.  Dont get me wrong, the Krackel is fine.  Its just the runt of the grouping.  Puffed rice is essentially selling you filler.  A bag of miniatures is the one place where being dark is the privilege.

so whats the most ghetto thing your have done such as water in cereal -darklojtone

When we ran out of hot dog buns, id cut a hot dog the long way and fold them between slices of wonder bread.  I never ate water with cereal, I would eat handfuls of cereal.

This couple that won $528 million in the powerball are still going to work at their current jobs.  -RIP_Kobe

Not only would I not go back to work, Id give $1 million to each employee to quit just to royally fuck my boss.

Sell your stocks and embrace for the fall of 2016 -ShiaTheBuff

If you were so sure and so smart, youd be telling us to sell our stock and buy derivatives.

Are human beings innately violent? If we are animals, is it just programmed into us as a means of survival or is it something we, or some of us, learn? -systemicanomaly

For a long time, yes. But now, weve become what we like to call “civilized” meaning violence is generally understood to be a last ditch effort of desperation, usually from a specific deficiency in cognition or willpower. Even in one civilization, there are different generations of evolution at work, though.  So, its tougher work for some to repress certain primal instincts.

Defend those 6 girls with the NI**ER T-Shirts. -Itab

Id just like to defend them by saying they may not be racists. Its more likely kids trying to test their boundaries. They found the most offensive word they could find, because its offensive, not because they are racist. If four of them lined up with F**K, it certainly wouldnt find the traction they currently find themselves in. Its because we as a society have chosen to give the word “nigger” so much weight, that the kids found it amusing. I dont believe they were openly antagonizing black people as much as they were trying to openly antagonize society or school administrators or whoever.

At this point the pro bowl should just be an award and not actually a game.  86 players were invited, 47 declined. The monetary incentive for them is negligible for them, the game is miserable to watch. I can’t imagine it not sucking. What do you think they could/should do to make it interesting? -AJax58

They should absolutely steal the model of the NHL.  Separate positions into Lineman/Linebackers/Secondary/QBs/Etc and have skills competitions.  Keep it consistent so Pro Bowlers not only compete against this years Pro Bowlers, but with scores past.  In 20 years, the next awesome QB from Wisconsin will be beating his hero, Aaron Rodgers, with the last ball through the hoop, or whatever.  Trick shots for QBs and Kickers. Obstacle courses and shit.  Maybe culminating in a 4-team 5v5 flag football tournament. Show the players with their helmets off, smiling, having fun in the sun with their hot wives and perfect kids. Keep it in Hawaii, between Conference champs and Super Bowl. Have Gronk host it. Imagination.  Its an exhibition.  Make it one.

As It Turns Out, I just drafted an NFL Play 60 commercial.

I’ve had this story in my head for a couple years now.  I’ve decided to draft it.

 

It’s an early snowy morning at a football field in Small town, Central, Massachusetts.  It’s pre-dawn and the lights are still needed to see the field.  A Coach and a high-schooler in a varsity uniform wait patiently, the high-schooler is talented and nervous.  A black luxury sedan brakes at the gates.  Two men in full New England Patriots gear exit the car, and approach the Coach and player.  “Do I finally get to hear the reason you brought me out here in this weather at this time?” one grumbles.  “No sir, you get to see it,” the other replies confidently.

“Hey Coach, good to see you again.  This is the scout I was telling you about.”  Hands are shaken. 

“All right, son,” the scout turns to the high schooler, “Let’s see what you got.” 

The Coach interrupts him, “No, sir.  He’s here to catch.” 

“Catch?  Catch who?”  The Coach turns and points down-field, 100 yards to a blur barely seen through the falling snow.  He tweets a whistle.

“What the …?  Get out of here.” the scout is incredulous.   “Is this a joke?  I can barely see the kid and hes got a 100 yard arm? Because dragging me an hour out here to be made a fool of…”

*THUNK* 

The scout flinches from the sound.  He turns and watches a ball sailing through the air under the lights.  He stands, mesmerized by the height, it’s like an asteroid rising FROM the Earth, in the falling snow.

“COME ON OVER!” the coach yells to the blur. 

*…..ssssssffffffffFFFFFFF* The approaching punt is heard cutting through the air. 

*THWAP* The high schooler fails to catch it, as it bounces off his chest and hands, knocking him to the ground.

Coach clicks a stopwatch.  “Eight point seven seconds hang time,” he says, proudly displaying it to the scout. “He breaks nine in nicer weather.”

He gasps and stammers. “What is he doing?  How did he do that? I have to see that again.”  The kid is jogging over, his too big uniform and helmet flopping around his scrawny body.  “What’s your name, son?”

“Tylah,” he says in a thick Boston accent.  “Tylah Cahtwright, sir.”

“Well Tyler,” the scout barely lets escape, still floored.  “Can you show me how you did that?” 

Tyler offers a hand-up to the still floored high schooler, picks the ball out of the snowy grass and holds it against the top of his shoulder.  He then takes a couple steps and windmill spikes the ball, like his hero Rob Gronkowski after any touchdown, onto his quickly rising punting foot.  The sound is immense, like punting and blowing a subwoofer at the same time.

*KA-THUNK* The ball disappears into the snow. 

The Scout chirps with delight.  “Again!” he yells, fumbling for his cell phone, smashing buttons and laughing gleefully.

*KA-THUNK* Another perfect cannon shot. 

 It all begins to move very fast for Tyler Cartwright.  His Mom and Dad are at the contract signing.  Dad is proud and supportive and excited to be on TV.  Mom is thin and quiet and says shes worried about Tyler being chased by those big men.  Coach guesses that Tyler is going to revolutionize the way football is played.

The Pats fail to convert a third down at their own 20, Tyler joins the field to thunderous applause.  The punting team now includes an 18 yard long snap, and two Patriots from the hands team flanking Tyler.  One receives the snap and hands off to Tyler, then immediately rush to protect him.  He spike/punts the ball 89 yards downfield, where a gang of Patriots have surrounded the Jets returner and patiently wait for the ball to arrive.  The returner muffs the punt under the pressure and terminal velocity.  Patriots ball on the Jets 4.   

The Bills try an all out punt block, and one of the long snap holders converts an easy first down pass, as Tyler turns and runs away from Mario Williams, who resembles someone having difficulty trying to catch a chicken. 

The Broncos Defensive Coordinator is screaming into his headset to let the Patriots convert their 3^rd and 7 rather than chance giving Tyler the ball. 

Shane Lechler is being admonished by his special teams coach.  “TRY AGAIN!” he exhorts.  Lechler haphazardly spikes the ball off the side of his foot, striking the assistant coach, who explodes into a confusing mix of hair, sunglasses, papers, clipboard and whistle. 

Rob Gronkowski joins Tyler for a day at school. Tyler convinces Rob to ask the prettiest girl in school, Jillian Dwyer, to be Tylers date for the big Winter SnowBall.  Of course she agrees and as Tyler leans in for his first kiss, his Mom awakens him for school.  It’s a snowy early morning in central Massachusetts.  His Mom reminds him that it’s a big day, as he gets to start his first football practice.  He jumps out of bed and grabs his helmet and pads, ready to start the day. 

 Im no good with taglines.  Something about NFL Play 60 building an environment where even punters can dare to dream. 

The What’s What, Volume 1o5

When you told someone to go to Red Robin, I thought you were kidding.  I thought the place was a kids party place like Chuck E Cheese.  But then my wifes friends made us go and I had a great burger, they had a bar with drafts and everything! –ajent007

I’m not sure how you could get that impression, what with the giant cartoon bird, commercials that never show anyone over the age of 12 and buildings that looks like a god-damned neon and glass casino extravaganza.  Get past the wacky attempted retro burger joint vibe and the burgers are still amazingly delicious.  Stay away from the shakes.  Don’t go there without kids.  Just get a couple Bonzai burgers to go and sit in a park or your car, like we do.

Nice predictions, Uri Gellar.  Could you have had a worst week 1?  CJ Spiller + Laurence Maroney = Fail. -FluffyBuster

I also went 0-3 fantasy in Week 1.  But I haven’t given up on Spiller.  I certainly admit I have no idea what happened with Maroney.  It must have been personal or something.  He could still put up exciting numbers for the Broncos, now that he has an axe to grind.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending myself, I suck.  I never claimed to be sitting on a perpetual success festival over here.  I’m saying we just don’t know how badly I suck yet.  Let’s give it the proper time to really compost down to shit, is all.

After all these years, I still think Melissa Joan Hart is pretty good looking.  Not mind blowingly hot or anything but there is something nice about her. -hbkny2j

She was my first celebrity crush, like 25 years ago. Sill hot now. I’m not gonna watch her show or anything, though.  Too hokey.  And I didn’t watch her dancing, either.  She needs a good role.  I bet she could pull it off if someone gave her a legitimate shot.

NHL 11 will be the best sports game of this generation. -OkravinaOfTime

Passing is pretty fail in ’11.  Loading up speed by holding pass is a complete disaster.  It needs to be done with analog, the harder or quicker you push the button, the faster the pass goes.  Its a shoulder button for a reason.

Why would Brady watch the Jets on Hard Knocks? He already has tapes of their practices. -Corks

LoL.  Good line.  However, If I was their competition, you damn right I’d be watching it to find out something to get in their head with. I’d probably be calling Mark Sanchez cheap for putting the screws to some poor college kid over a fucking 75 cents cup of ranch dressing.   Hes a damned millionaire, and he’s griping this poor kid over the coals for something Rex Ryan has bottles upon bottles of stashed in his mini-fridge for chugging.

Have you ever received a hate message from someone after playing online with them? -blurnahn

When I played Galaxies as a spy, I got them all the time.  Like, daily.

Lost got absolutely screwed by the Emmys. Even if they didn’t deserve to win the acting awards (seriously though, Terry O’Quinn should have won), at the very least Michael Giacchino should have won for the music direction. Instead 24 won. Absolute bullshit.  -StealthyMission

Everyone knew this going in, this was not a surprise.  The ending really crapped in everyones collective mouths.  So, blame the writers of that travesty for the residual negativity towards everything else related to the show.

LOL Poor People. OH NOEZ $10 MORE FOR XBOX LIVE! HOW WILL I AFFORD IT!? -wareagles91

It’s what the $10 is for is whats making people upset.  ESPN? Twitter? Facebook? Anyone with an internet connection gets that stuff for free, including 99.9% of the XBox audience. Makes no sense.

Preseason week 4 NFL > Regular season week 1 NCAA -IntimidatingPresents

College football is generally more exciting, but the NCAA is corrupt.  Pro Football is just so much more meaningful competition.  They both have merits, but still, your opinion is correct.

The What’s What, Volume 1o4

WMC: I am now talking about Red Dead Redemption.  Ending and everything.  Just a heads up for the following question.

Can we talk spoilers, yet?  Are people really surprised about the ending of RDR?  The game was so heavy on his story about him trying to get back to a normal life and all that bullshit, I saw it coming a mile away. Not that I cared. Marston was a cock anyway.

I expected his families death as I watched them set up the end story. I thought the farm missions were to build character development so you cared about losing them when they were taken away. I also expected you to take Bonnie as your wife. It all seemed so set up.  So, when John fought his way into the barn to purposefully not fight his way out of it, I was a little shocked.  I did screw up the ending by activating Dead Eye seconds after the story does it for you.  The result of which leaves everyone pointing their guns at you for about FIFTEEN RETARDED SECONDS of the feeling like you’re standing there with your dick in your hand before they empty their weapons into you.

Now that I think about it, I like my ending better.  Family dies, John gets to marry Maid Bonnie who was written to be perfect for him.  The fact that they taught you how to ranch several times could get used to actually ranch some cattle with Bonnie, a cause to keep the sandbox alive, unlike now.  The HorseShoe pit and Poker Gazebo on the Marstons property could be used for HoreShoes and Poker instead of nothing, like it is now.  Don’t get me wrong, I very much enjoyed the game.  Maybe they thought people would be okay with losing John because they were going to get themselves immersed in the multi-player, which I could defend.  The ending seemed like it was changed late in production, is all I am saying.

Joker’s Social Experiment From The Ferry in The Dark Knight – What would YOUR City Do? -WaltWhiteshat

Convicts riot and flip the switch.  Citizens are too worried that the detonator blows their own ship.  One of them is sinking, that’s for damn sure.

The BoonDocks.  I hated this show at first mainly because I think Aaron McGruder is racist towards white people and elitist towards black and the first season really didn’t do much to make me like it. The 2nd season was definitely better but it still hadn’t won me over. This newest season though has been downright hilarious. I think the biggest reason why is because they stopped focusing so much on Huey and started writing stories based on other characters. Huey might just be my most disliked character (probably because he’s supposed to be a voice for McGruder). -shyguy5676

I totally agree with your assessment of character development and Huey.  It’s good to have a straight man in the act, but to grandstand a character that has all the answers and never fails is another.  To build that character around yourself while poking specific social commentaries and offering no solutions to the issues is another.  I also feel like the show used to be more about making fun of the stereotypes, and now it seems to be more like a show built around the stereotypes and shock value.  I’m still watching it.

On August 11, ESPNs Chris Mortensen tweeted “On the Mike & Kike Show now!” ROFL -phkb33

I got that exact same tweet and thought to myself “I hope they’re really good friends”.  Turns out he claimed it was a typo, which I believe.  It sucks when you’re an equalitist and say something stupid.

The term “spear-chucker” itself is quite ludicrous. I was under the assumption that spears are to be thrown. -Soleless

Offended black people should simply use the term “Javelinist” to describe white people, so the hate train can keep on chugging.  Choo-choo, bitches.

Of the 50 US States, how many have you been to/driven through? -blameradio

Over half. I live and visit all of New England, regularly. Drove Albany to Vegas and back, different ways. Drove Florida and back.  Hawaii for my honeymoon.  I’m really only missing the Northern Border with Wyoming from Michigan to Washington, and Alaska.  I think we missed Louisiana too, I’d like to go there.

yesterday my brother and roommate joined me for a trip to buffalo cantina in williamsburg, brooklyn. we had been looking for a good wing place in brooklyn for a minute, and saw it on the travel channel’s “man vs food”. he needed two attempts to complete the challenge: six “suicidal” wings in three minutes.  so thats what we did.  through my tears i could see my brother and roommate each only ate a bite of theirs and were both red faced, tears flowing, snot dripping, miserable. last night was hell. this morning wasn’t any better.  -misterwelshman

Yeah, I like spice and everything.  But there’s a fine line between enjoyment and pain, and that line for me is just a touch above habanero.  I no longer cross that threshhold, and rarely attempt anything close anymore.  Habanero is enough for me to enjoy about twice a year, and only for new foods or unfamiliar spice flavour profiles.

What do you think of the Jewish people? -TrenchMode

I had a negative attitude against them early in my life. But, then I saw the movie “School Ties” and it really set me straight.

Is Lebron James decision to play with D-Wade and Chris Bosh the fall of the NBA?  -ballin06

I think you’d have to blame the Celtics for bringing the Big Three together. If it wasn’t working there, it wouldn’t be attempted again this soon.  Lebron is just going with the tide. Superstars get drafted, make a bunch of money in ticket and jersey sales for the team, and if they don’t win a championship in that first x amount of years, they go to a place they have a better chance of doing it.  He came into the league from high school and signed a long term contract with the team he was drafted by. He needs to do more than Charles Barkley and Karl Malone because he is younger? From what I understand, that TV special had a lot to do with producing the negativity. That just my take. Are they going to win 3 out of the next 4 championships? Yes, yes they are. Is that bad for the NBA? We will see.

Is it legal to watch the cops arresting someone?  I mean being up close and personal so you can see and hear what’s going on. Or will the cops just tell you to Fuck off? Every time I see something like this me and whoever I’m with sort of hide in the distance and act like we’re not watching trying to find out what’s going on. Wanted to know if I could save some trouble and just walk up to them. -Otaku21

Walk up to them and watch. Don’t get too close, you don’t want them concerned about your safety or what you’re gonna do. If they say something to you, simply say “I’m a witness available for a statement if you need one.” Seriously. They’ll leave you the hell alone.

If atheists were right, shouldn’t they kill themselves? Because according to them, life has no purpose. -BobSon17

Shouldn’t theists be killing themselves to get to heaven faster?  Life IS the purpose. Atheists are working hard to build a legacy while others are walking on eggshells to avoid an angry God.  Theists are lucky to get a tombstone.

Magic or Bird? I say Magic. -007saradim

Bird was better in the clutch and was a waaaaaaaay better defender. Plus, Magic arguably had a lot more to work with.

NFL Predictions, Favorite team Predictions, Fantasy Predictions, Go! –

NFL – Vikings d Packers in NFC, Ravens d Jets in AFC, Vikings d Ravens in SuperBowl.  Favorite team – Patriots get 10 or 11 wins, Randy Moss causes trouble, Laurence Maroney puts up exciting numbers, passing defense a huge problem, win one playoff game.  Fantasy – Make playoffs in two out of three leagues, Participate in Super Bowl, CJ Spiller is a beast, Philip Rivers is a bust.

The What’s What, Volume 1o2

One of my friends actually “iced” me the other night.  I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in a friend… but being the bro that I am, I couldn’t deny a good icing.  It tasted like drinking a pixy stix… real gross. -KrazyIvan82

I don’t get the joke. In my day, if someone bought you a drink as a laugh, they wasted $4 at a bar, because you just left it there and got yourself what you wanted.  Over half the time, the drink was slid off the table or dropped on purpose for additional laughs.  You have to drink it for some reason?  It sounds like you’re all being sheep to viral marketing that doesn’t take itself too seriously.  You find out who’s idea this was, they are getting paid.

I never got the appeal of licking a girl’s vagina. -Diamond_Crown

That’s okay, neither did she.

Have you heard that story about the Arab guy who was convicted of rape after he lied to A Jewish woman about being Jewish and had consensual sex with her? –TDog789

I’m just shocked that she went public with the whole affair.  I mean, any embarrassment she feels from admitting to being duped and having sex with the guy could have been met with the exact same reaction any other woman in the world responds with by not telling anyone, showering 3 times extra, and only admitting to it 3 years later in a drunk circle of friends years later when you’ve got Alicia’s story beat again.  Instead, she went with THE ACTUAL LEGAL DEFENSE of “I was a slut with him because I thought he was Jewish. And now that I find out he’s an Arab, I’m outraged. I’m not just a slut, I’m a RACIST slut. The Law needs to protect me.”

Would you beat a puppy to death with a bat for $10,000?  -blurnahn

If you want me to change the way I view myself for the rest of my life, I’m going to need life changing money.  It really is about the amount. I can rationalize killing a puppy for $1 million, because I can use that money to help thousands of other puppies.  If someone were to offer my wife $100M to shoot me in the head three times and she used that money to help thousands of people, I’m willing to take that role. Because let’s not kid ourselves here. Me hitting a puppy with a bat is going to kill it on the first strike to head. I wait until it falls asleep, close my eyes, and blammo. It’s at least knocked out. It’s not going to feel any pain when I give the second shot. It’s not like you gave me a prison shiv and told me to pull it apart. But 10k? That’s an offer only meaningful to pathetic poor people.

I prefer the 360 disc hole.  The 360 tray gently opens up, you give it the disc, and it gently and and greatfully brings it back in so you can play your games knowing full well that the 360 loves you.  The PS3 just gobbles up those discs because it knows it has no gaimez and it gets desperate, like a crack whore. -fullquietcasket

While hilarious, the XBox destroys discs. So, it’s more the crack whore in your analogy. PS3 is the junior prom queen, of which all you have to do is dip your tip and it pulls you  in smoothly and effortlessly.

are The Simpsons the most family in the world? -EatapusPrime

Its true, they’re the mostest family of all time.

Are They Seriously Bitching About Performance Incentives on ESPN?  The ESPN demonization is going on with TO and they are complaining about his performance based incentives. Greenberg is saying they should be more team based incentives. Don’t players automatically get a bonus for going into the playoffs and the Superbowl? -slaterhayer

As far as I’m concerned you base a payment structure around what the player values most. If a player values making the playoffs over 60 receptions, then you pay him for the playoffs.  Team based incentives for personal achievement players has failed in the past, with players taking off plays or getting phantom injuries after the team fails to make the playoffs. Makes the most sense to me, honestly.

Josh Elliot is the worst Sportscenter anchor. I really can barely stand watching morning Sportscenter because of this guy. -BuildCosby

He’s always talking to the director about some inside joke that no one else can hear.  And God help the broadcast if something doesn’t go as scripted, he’ll make jokes about that for 30 minutes. What an amateur. He must be someones kid.

What’s up with the Senate voting down the 9/11 volunteers healthcare bill? -mixmasterho

The Republicans wanted to be sure that no illegal immigrants get healthcare through this loophole.  However, If any illegal immigrant risked their health to help 9/11 victims, then not only should the government pay their health care expenses, but the government should expedite their citizenship papers to granted, immediately. This is pretty much what it boils down for me.

So, you think you’re so smart.  What don’t you know about? -Archetype66

Electricity. I am scared shitless of it. You get hit by lightning and you die. You get hit by lightning standing on a wooden box and your hair gets frizzy.  It’s like a serious face plain to me because its everywhere, crazy deadly, and I just can’t understand it.  Two guys get hit by the same lightning bolt, one dies instantly, but the other one is fine because he had coins in one pocket and an eraser in the other or some shit.  Just mayhem.

Go 20 years in the past or 500 years in the future? You will maintain all of your current knowledge.

Going 20 years in the past could make you billions of dollars. But maybe 500 years in the future we live in a scientific utopia where no one dies and we have extensive knowledge of the universe. Or, it is a post-nuclear apocalyptic world ala Fallout.  The choice is yours and yours alone. -FluffyBuster

Past.  Living rich and being right all the time > The unknown

I know a girl who cries when she practices violin.  Each note sounds so pure it just cuts through her and the melody comes pouring out of her eyes. And to me, everything else sounds like a lie.  -5Mt1.

Worst explanation ever. She may be a good musician, but shes a horrible writer.  Music has made me cry. But I didn’t make up a bunch of fortune cookiebull shit to try to explain it to people, trying to sound all superior about it.

Getting involved in social issues discussions on facebook…yay or nay -jackbob21

Since it’s mainly my friends and family, I don’t really add to the conversation unless I agree and no one has started an argument.  To be fair, I don’t usually go in for those kind of conversations in real life either, unless someone is asking for advice.  Issues like politics and religion only contribute drama to life. Your Thanksgiving dinner isn’t solving health care, and your bong circle isn’t going to disprove God. You Dad isnt a Senator, your buddies buddy who you’re playing horseshoes with isn’t a prophet.  I’d rather talk about things everyone can understand and enjoy.

All mosquites should die. No one would miss them. -Sicileen

The people with the food chain argument are always the same people complaining that 99% of species on Earth have been eradicated because of man. Make up your minds, hippies

The What’s What, Volume 1o1

How dare you criticize the appearance of Kobe’s children.  They really aren’t ugly at all. They just have that poofy natural hair that black women normally have. You want them to start perming their hair at 5 years old so you can fap to them or something?  Give it a break seriously.  -007saradim

Listen up, you pig.  You’re the one bringing up sexual activity with a toddler.  It’s not my fault your parents didn’t teach you to distinguish beauty from sexuality.  I bet you are one of those assholes who get insulted instead of proud when someone remarks that you have a pretty girlfriend.  Don’t get mad at the rest of us because your upbringing balks at the sight of a  breathtaking sunset on the beach and forces you to think “I’m gonna stick my dick in that.”  Get the fuck out of here with that junk.

Been watching the new Futurama? -420Pharmah

The new season is better than the movies, not as great as the old stuff.  I laugh a few times an episode, still worth watching for me.

FACT: there is nothing better for traffic jams than smoking weed -GoBadgersUW

While traffic jams are coupled outrageous frustration and mind-numbing boredom, both of which weed immediately cures in seconds, I am not sure I’m comfortable advocating this remedy.  Can’t we just take a couple deep breaths and turn on the radio?  No?  Okay, well, just don’t hurt anybody.

$50k Salary not working, or $150k Salary as a Doctor or other realistic profession?  Personally, I’d rather be the Doc earning my bank. $50k is just too average imo even if I do get to sit around doing nothing. -MisterMaster

I’d take the 50K and call myself a professional Geocacher.   If I started a hobby carving granite/marble figurines by hand or breeding tropical fish or some shit, could I profit from their sale, still?  I can still have hobbies, right?  Or, are you literally paying me to do nothing?  I mean if you are paying me to do nothing for 8 hours every weekeday, that’s one thing.  But I’d rather keep the situation as it is now then do nothing forever.

Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston say they’re engaged.  LOL -PelleeCee

You should read the article.  It’s like a public finger wagging at Levi.  Has there ever been a mentally balanced couple in history to make plans to get marriage counseling before getting married?  In fact, thrice divorced rednecks on the verge of the fourth marriage have a bad feeling about this. What a spectacular failure they have become. At first I thought the Palins’ were trying to fill the void of being the right-wing Kennedy’s.  Now it just seems like they’re trying too hard.

Have you seen Hot Tub Time Machine yet? -jdkeggerstein

In Blu-Ray.  Damn right.  Which is funny because we made fun of the fact that there are no big budget special effects, and then the return to the future brought in some serious CGI and I turned to by buddy with a thumbs up and said “Blu-Ray!” excitedly. Although, something happened over half way through that made me pause.  When Darryl from “The Office” sang “Let’s Get it Started” instead of “Let’s Get Retarded”, I felt the comedy writers lost a little credibility.  You’re telling me that a movie that included Rob Courdry wiping cum off his fame and eating it is telling me that it’s delicate sensibilities end at offending the mentally challenged?   I’m not saying that I stopped finding the movie funny at that point and everything that I laughed at previously was considered moot or anything, the movie was still funny. Worth watching for me, no question. I just thought to myself “Oh, these offensive comedy writers are pretentious self-righteous hypocrites. That’s rare.”

As a Red Sox fan, you celebrating George Steinbrenners death? -tyka28

Not at all.  I have heard Red Sox fans relay positive stories about “The Boss” while he was still alive.  I did have him on my death pool list, so that was worth celebrating, but not his death.  I will admit when I heard the news of his death, I said aloud “Further developing information on this story, ESPN has learned that George Steinbrenner fired his bed-side nurse of 10 years, less than 24 hours ago.” which made me laugh for a bit.  But I’m not happy he’s dead.

The “All-Star Game” should be scrapped in every sport  NFL – Pro Bowl is changed to week BEFORE the superbowl means those players don’t play…not that half of them didn’t drop out from playing anyways  NHL – No hitting, little defense gives us some 6-9 game debackle  NBA – Bunch of ball hogging number 1s jacking up shots and the only scoring they attempt more than on the court comes after the game at the strip club
MLB – Give an exhibition game meaning is fail.   Not to mention there’s so many pitchers that each only throws 2/3rd of an inning. Nice rythem
Just get rid of these. If you want to do some all star roster and take a team photo that’s fine, but actual games? Meh…do not want  -MoeMunney66

I completely agree, but want 2 or 3 days of skills competitions. I’m not even kidding, like full weekend Olympics of individual skills. Also, I want Celebrity Pro/Am games for charity. I’d make All-Stars do the jobs of the equipment managers, vendors, and announcers and follow them around with a camera crew. Of course, there would be a video game competition between All-Stars.  If they had poker and shuffleboard tournaments, I’d watch.

True or False: There’s a logical explination for everything -empty-medium

Oh, the religion guy.  Any example you can bring up to bring consideration to false is then immediately credited to either Jesus, God or Allah. That’s the great part though, you get to choose whom to give credit for. Bonus points if its the one your parents think.

Mel Gibson tapes: Great recording or GREATEST recording? –Muckrow70

While never a good idea to threaten someone, she obviously riled him all up, hung up on him, and taped his reaction while calling back. She spoke all cool and collected and let him hang himself, just pushing buttons.  “Oh I don’t want your money anymore, I’m just worried for my daughters life!” Then, when she started to get heated the tape ended, what great timing for her.  She is a bitch. But, yeah, he’s bat-crap insane. I don’t really care, everything but Braveheart sucks. But she’s obviously a manipulative bitch, so his claims are pretty jsutified in my eyes. I bet she is, in fact, a gold digging ungrateful dick target.  Though, I really enjoyed the “What?!……. WHAT!?!?!??” parts.  In conclusion, they both suck and I don’t care about either of their welfares, just the prospect of more crazy recordings.

The What’s What, Volume 92

Do you think the next GTA will be able to break the single day sales record again? MW2 made it pretty tough. -DaGaym

Well, something will, at some point.  MW2 will not last forever, I promise. Even if it takes MW3.

Going to the circus Friday. Haven’t been to the circus since the 6th grade. I’m going to ride the elephant.  -MightyMaybe

And a clown will likely molest you. They’re like the priests of carnivals, don’t let the makeup fool you.

lol this girl gave me a bj in bathroom then made out with my friend.  Then i was standing with a different friend and her and joking about it. And i told her to suck that friends dick and she did for 10 seconds. Then she went inside and made out with the other friend again. He knows nothing about it and its his regular booty call. Little does he know we both had sex with her in the past.  LMAO if only he knew. A girl just sucked two of his friends dick then made out with him within a 30min period. This is not a white trash situation either. This is a hot 105lb asain chick that works for abercrombie.  Ugh im surrounded by bad people. This is why i dont trust anyone anymore. Including myself. -HimandEric

I can’t tell if you are bragging about this?  Even if this is true, it paints you as a really bad friend.  I just don’t understand the brotherhood fraternity mentality of friendship. Its more like torturing dozens of each other into emotional bribery and blackmail instead of just building a few trusted relationships with partners in crime.  The groups of friends that you want getting your back in fights, are not the ones you want in a successful real life where there aren’t brawls breaking out, commonly. Just a heads up.

My Favorite nfl Player Is A Second-String Player, is that weird?  -ArkoftheGovernment

Since mine is retired, Barry Sanders, I say no.

So we’re about one season away from E3 2010 in Los Angeles; What are YOU hoping for this year? -BestServant

I’d like to see a good crop of innovative software titles, and less of the wii motion control shenanigans catered to from Sony and XBox.  I’d like the sandbox genre to continue to get more popular, expansive, and varied. I’d like for Nintendo to drop an Animal Crossing for the Wii. A new one and everything. Seriously. Those three and it’s going to be an expensive season for me.

What exactly is a plea of “No Contest”? I dont really understand it. -NinjaFlapper

From what I understand, people only use it when they accept a plea bargain from the Law but want to be able to defend themselves in civil court.

Played the Just Cause 2 demo yet? -DynamicBarbarian

Yes.  Also, I bought the game Day 1.  It’s amazing.  Huge open world.  Your main method of transportation is a parachute/grappling hook combo.  The missions are varied and fun, I highly recommend it.

Pugs are seriously the best dogs of all time. -RileyV113

A buddy of mine’s girlfriend has one and besides the fact that its ugly as hell and fires the nastiest smelling shitfire acid on his belongings unless he takes it to the vet/groomers every two weeks to get its rectum squelched, it’s really a nice pet.  You should get a couple.

My buddy keeps going on and on about how the Simpsons are not funny and how Family Guy is a way better cartoon.  Whatever, it’s an opinion, but he feels superior to those who prefer Simpsons. Anything I can tell him to shut up? -FreeBoobies

I’d wager Seth McFarlane considers the Simpsons an inspiration.  It’s cool to have a preference, but to call the Simpsons not funny, even if you think it’s true, makes you seem overemotional about the topic to the point where your credibility is a serious concern.

The What’s What, Volume 91

LMAO THE ENDING TO THAT NEW MOVIE REMEMBER ME HAS THE DUMBEST ENDING IN HISTORY. Although the year these events take place is never explicitly stated, it is revealed near the end that it is 2001. At the end of the film, Tyler goes to the World Trade Center, where his father works, and is killed in the September 11 attacks.  -theimportanttruth

It’s a lot easier to try and capitalize on some leftover emotion than it is to conjure up your own with good writing.

My optometrist is super hot.  Too bad she’s married.  Think Keri Russell, with a hint of Persian. -Insane_Hero

She’d be great fun to throw down with.  You could be all, “Which feels better; first one, or *poke deeper* second one? First one or second one?

Is Mick really the worst thing we can call the Irish on their most holyest of holidays? -mixmasterho

Yes, its regrettable that no one has developed an offensive insult towards the Irish, and Australians for that matter.  We need to get some real hateful people to spearhead that campaign.

Fact: Miami in the Summer > Your city in the summer -Roarseed

Nope. North Florida is too hot and muggy for me in the summer, forget about Miami.  I like New England/Great Lakes lake front property in the summer.

Are Republicans slowing down the progression of the United States of America? -Bestservant

By definition, isn’t that what conservatism and traditional means?

Im angrier about the new NFL OT rule than I am about the HCR. I’m trying to find where exactly there will be some dynamic shift in how the team with the ball first still wouldn’t have the same advantage and the percentages are going to change at all So stupid. –ManicalAttitude

Different rules for playoffs and regular season is fail, regardless of the actual rule.  But, I like the rule.  How can you not like the idea of walk off interceptions?  Or a walk off surprise onside kick?  How boss would that be?

I was supposed to be paired with a fat chick in my friends wedding. but i kept being mean to her until she told them she does not want to be paired with me. SCOREBOARD!!!!!! -dinkdrank

Wow, there are so many easy ways of getting out of that, if you aren’t already a complete loser.  Way to bring negativity to a human, though. As long as you get what you want, right? As long as we’re both on the same page on your exact level of douchebaggery, we’re good.  You will bring bullshit to a stranger to benefit yourself in avoiding inconvenience for 3 hours. Awesome. Getting it done.

Would you help pay for your serious gf’s education? -doublexx7

If you aren’t going to put a ring on her to invest in your future together, you probably shouldn’t be investing in just her future.

I think I’m part of one of the last generations where people for the most part did not have access to the internet as children.  Kinda makes me think how I would introduce my child to the internet. When would I do it? What kind of restraints would I put on it?  -hottubmimemachine

Public schools and libraries have firewalled internet for children of any age.  Might as well provide that in the home until college, I figure.  Good luck keeping your children away from it.

Jay Z has 99 unresolved inconveniences, but a spiteful woman is not accountable for them. -pokerCHiPs

Congratulations on being first nominee for e-mail of the year, 2010.

The What’s What, Volume 89

Do you think demons are real? Personally I do. I heave heard a lot of stories and one of my friends told me how one was tormenting her once. It was scary and you can tell that it terrified her. It was hard for her to even think about it because it had been so scary. -blueyes32

Nope, and by even asking this question you are giving credibility to idiots with imaginations and egos.

So last night my girlfriend farted a musical scale… She has a perfectly tuned asshole. I thought she did it in her sleep, which would have made it even more amazing, but this morning she told me she was aware of her little ass jingle. She thought I was asleep and didn’t hear it. Oh, but I did. She is very proud of herself. -rdmtk

That’s why she’s been turning you down for anal. Wouldn’t want to stretch out “The Whistler”.

The Harlem globetrotter are the best basketball team in history. 1.000 winning percentage -catlactation

Wiki puts their record at 22,500-356 That’s not 1.000. But its pretty impressive.

Seriously, why do you Americans like hand-eggball so much? I have tried to put it together but I can’t really. I thought it was the violence or “hard hitting” or something. But then I realized, why wouldn’t they watch hockey where there’s real hard hitting and actual fighting? It can’t be the flow of the game because after every 5 or 10 yards you have to pause the damn game for nearly a minute to think of up a NEW play. What is it? -southamericandream

I like the NFL because every play has the potential to be some crazy awesome display of talent and timing, like Barry Sanders breaking 15 tackles before a Touchdown. Or, the inverse happening, a tiny mistake on a play you’ve seen a million times turns into epic mayhem, like James Harrisons Super Bowl TD before the half. I’ve seen tens of thousands of hockey and soccer goals, and they all look relatively the same after a while. There’s very little innovation. The NFL has a chance for miraculous improvisation every 45 seconds. Also, the fact that the game has turned into the closest competition analogous to war, is probably what fuels all the popularity in gambling.

Why is Kurt Cobain considered a legendary rock icon? -randamerican

Because he shot himself rather than see his music be used to sell junk to Americans during football games. Sure, his music sucked, but he cared enough about it off himself. That’s pretty rock and roll of him. So, his fans get to make a martyr out of him. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Courtney Hole for the next 5 years, so some of us are more jaded about his decision than others.

Why do people pre-order games? Aside from pre-order bonuses there really isn’t a single reason to pre-order a game. I can’t remember the last time a store didn’t have a copy of a brand new game on the release day. -occifer123

I only do it for the games I think I might have difficulty obtaining on Launch Day. And for these games, I have taken the day off of work, so there is no way that I’m chancing having to spend half the day going from store to store to find one. $5 to gurantee its there when I want it? Why wouldn’t I do it?

Senate reconciliation on healthcare is a go. neat, suck it republicans. -UMEagles

If there is one thing that I’ve learned in the last 9-10 years of politics is the utmost refusal to expect anything productive from Congress. It’s a procedural katamari damacy.

Could a zombie game work using Heavy Rain gameplay? Cuz I just had a recurring dream that I was inside one. It was neat. I amost got ate twice. -KahnsumerX

Lots of games could be made like that. A sports game could be successful, as long as the story was good. It just doesn’t seem like the gameplay style is popular. These games have been around since the early 80’s. See Dragons Lair. It’s just the market doesn’t have much demand for games like these for quite a while now.

Do you think the little kid directing flight traffic is as big a deal as the media? -WhoresShoeChamp

I mean, it’s not like he asked his kid to cover his shift while he grew a tail. He said, “Hey Son, read this into the mic. It’ll be cute.” People losing their jobs over this is just sad and unfortunate.

care to explain to me why people like to eat really spicey food/snacks? What kind of sick masocistic freak are you if you like to have throbing pain in your mouth and on your tounge? -sevenpointnine

I like Wasabi. Its got a strong opening and disappears almost immediately. I agree with you for the most part, though. People who put habanero sauce on pizza every time are missing the point, and probably addicted to endorphins. But, I crave spicy polynesian or mexican food sometimes. If done right, the spicyness accentuates the flavour, not overpowers it. And if you aren’t open to it, you’re missing a lot of good food.

How Would A Priest Find A Young Boy Hiding In Long Grass? Irresistible. -HamTam

Nice M Night Shaymalan punchline, I lol’ed.

“If a black girl sucks your dick, she hangs it over your head forever but when a white girl sucks your dick, she does it like she’s personally responsible for your reparations.” – a friend of mine. White girls are generally more down to do stuff than black girls. -fightforyourlove

You should have told him that he’s welcome for sharing your white women with him. They ARE superb. Unless you yourself are black, in which case, you’re welcome. They ARE superb.

The best part of the Daily Show is when they get clips of people contradicting themselves. They’ll have the person saying one thing, and then the next second the person is saying, word for word, the exact opposite of what they just said. SO satisfying -Oxybaras

The best part is no one in the real media can do the same thing and make the politicians accountable. Oh wait, thats actually the worst part.

The What’s What, Volume 71

You have to have something to say about Crabtree or Braylon Edwards and Lebron, right?  -Harts1780

Did Lebron really run Braylon out of town?  Is he the fucking Godfather of Cleveland?  -ChaChaWoodruffisretarded

I noticed two things about the situation, right away.  Braylon Edwards, Lebrons mortal enemy, apparently, was traded to the town that had the best chance of signing Lebron this summer.  It’s almost as if Cleveland saw an oppurtunity to prove they would do anything for him, and additionally add a mark to the “cons” list of New York when Lebron has to make his decision.

Additionally, I found it strange that the NY Jets traded for a WR at the EXACT SAME HOUR that the WR they were accused of tampering with signed with the team that drafted him4 weeks after the season started.  If I find out that MC Hammer is a Jets fan, I’m calling a lawyer.

Are you scared of dying?  The idea of only having one life and then everything just stopping forever really terrifies me. -9kwolfshirts

It’s the only thing I’m sure I don’t want to do without any previous experience.  But just because I don’t want to do it, doesn’t mean I am afraid. I have come to terms that it’s something we’ll all have to deal with.

Pizza:  NY style or Chicago deep dish? -Carlt0nJ0nes

When done right, Chicago.  But, it’s hit or miss.  Consistently, NY style rarely disappoints.

So I basically brushed my teeth with my own semen.  I always take my toothbrush out of the bathroom cause germs and stuff, and I had it over some thing here in my room. I fapped and threw the toilet paper with the semen and it landed right on my toothbrush.  Up mine. -PrimitiveKing

Wait a second. So, you got baby batter on your toothbrush, and then knowingly brushed your teeth with the seminated toothbrush?

I noticed you’ve been playing a lot of Fallout 3.  Get the DLC? -Glocktypus

Yeah, I rented the game and decided to keep it.  It’s great, and I am not a fan of first person shooters.  The exploring and ransacking of abandoned property is, by far, the greatest part of this game.  I did purchase the downloadable content, and it gave it a second life.

When i go to college should i live at home or in the campus dorms? -Squatto88

Live in the dorms for at least a year and then you’ll be able to make a more reasoned decision.   Just know, if you live at your aunts house there’s much less the chance for random hot girls in pyjamas to show up at midnight for a drink and some company.

What’s your opinion of Rodney Harrison getting owned, HARD? Does he deserve it or is Owens an asshole? -Disneygro

Well, Rodney makes his money as a commentator now. He was asked a question.   Is he really supposed to say “I can’t say anything bad about TO because I took steroids.”  From what I understand, there’s alot of bad things to say about both players.   Only one is getting paid to say them, though.

screw those cracker things… Catholics should use dried apple slices…  but Jesus said, “Take this dried apple slice. It is my body, which I shed for you.” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it. -UWSerdna

Not like “Take this chalky, processed, dry wafer thingee. It is my body, which I have given up for you.” is any better.