The What’s What, Volume 121

SRSLY. Is the Queen REALLY majestic? i mean, why bother referring to her as “majesty”? Is she a magician? I doubt it. She’s no more majestic than a ham sandwich or a $6 whore. Come on, it’s utterly ridiculous. -TECMOfan

Royalty is outdated and slightly embarrassing for a culture to invest in, I’ll give you that.  The Last Royal is going to be a hero, for giving the fantastic buildings and resources back to the people.  It certainly seems ridiculous to have a fancifully decadent family of people around simply because their parents were also fancifully decadent people for no reason.  Having said that, comparing the Queen unfavorably to your lunch or mother certainly isnt called for, and it won’t do on my shred of the internet, sir.  It will not stand, indeed.

If you ask your gf’s parents for permission to marry her, you’re an asshole. Real Talk. It was used as a sexist way of basically passing ownership of the daughter onto the new husband. It’s an embarassing tradition that should be done away with. -Talk_Puncher

Now, it’s just a tradition of courtesy.  Which doesnt seem so bad.  When it happened for me, I had asked if my wifes father had done it.  He had, so I did.  If I have a daughter, I won’t care, though.  Its her decision, even if I hate him. 

Man robs bank for $1 so he could be arrested and sent to jail for free medical health care.  I knew this would happen sooner or later. It’s ironic how prisoners get free medical care, but citizens don’t. -LJBinder

Coincidentally, my third novel, the one never published, was about a guy who did this because he lost his job and lady and his life sucked. But because of the incompetence of the small town cops and general population around him he just kept successfully robbing banks. He eventually meets another woman and gets a nice job from her brother, but then a young deputy puts the pieces together and the guy gets jailed. His lady then studies law and files an appeal to get him out under some non-violent loophole. Its unsuccessful so she breaks him out and they live happily ever after.  It’s part non-fiction now, apparently.

If suddenly chickens were able to communicate to us in english, would we still eat them? -PeonLowalski

I bet they’d go great braised, and drizzled in a cranberry comprehension.  Mmmmmm, linguistilicious.

Lips are even smackier, slams are even dunkier. -RamboSpice

It’s the ping to the pong, ding to the dong.  McDonalds commercials are by far the largest exporter of mouth farting in advertising history.  If you haven’t seen the pre-Monopoly McD’s ad where some hipster goes spoken word on the awesomeness of McNuggets and their new sauces, you are missing out. On rage.

Judge people much? There is a huge point of regular people talking about politics. It helps shape the public discourse.  Ever hear of the court of popular opinion?  No, I don’t have any connections to politicians or news sources, so I won’t directly create any changes, but indirectly I am subtly shaping the public discourse of those around me, which as a whole will get back to politicians and journalists. -amurrican

This sounds like something people tell each other to convince themselves they aren’t wasting their time. Discussing politics brings negativity to something that has absolutely nothing of value to be gained. In my experiences, it leads only to people trying to talk louder than each other.   You aren’t changing anyones mind, or else you wouldnt be arguing.  So, the people that you are yelling at that DO know influential politicians or journalists (less than .01%) still aren’t influenced by you.  When you talk about sports and weather, very rarely will things get awkward and judgments of character are made based off of answers of opinion. 

Every man should try a single blade razor and a shaving brush.  You’ll never want to go back! NEVER! -C_HOX518

Recently I grew tired of looking like John Adams, so I shaved my hair and now run with the skin helmet.  The first time, I was surprised how easy it was to do using a Gillette Mach 3 without looking.  So, I might get there at some point.  A straight razor.  I’d love to give it a shot and become proficient with one.  A better shave, undeniable cachet, and the chance to defend my family against home invasion, wearing nothing but a towel and a half-grill of shaving lather.  COME GET SOME, TERRORISTS.  Not only did I just round-house your cheeks, but your last eyeful of the afternoon was of my terrycloth hoop skirt staging a balls and taint pageant, a fucking nut puppet show to relive during your 20-to-life stint.  But seriously, I’m gonna have a straight razor from a professional barber a few times, first.  That sounds nice, and I’d get what it’s supposed to feel like down.  I tell you, I’m considering your recommendation. 

This seems like as good as place as any to bring up a recent conversation with my wife.  Imagine my pride when she didn’t bat an eyelash as I said to her “I want you to prepare yourself for something I’m going to try with my face this winter.”  It actually took me a couple times to say the sentence fully, without having to stop for laughter.  But, I got through it and she took it like a champ.  I grow a beard in the winter, usually. But, now that I shaved my head, I have to consider where the beard is going to end at the top.  So, I introduced my plan to keep a half-inch of trim around the top of my ears and immediately trademarked “beard goggles”.  It’s coming.

The What’s What, Volume 89

Do you think demons are real? Personally I do. I heave heard a lot of stories and one of my friends told me how one was tormenting her once. It was scary and you can tell that it terrified her. It was hard for her to even think about it because it had been so scary. -blueyes32

Nope, and by even asking this question you are giving credibility to idiots with imaginations and egos.

So last night my girlfriend farted a musical scale… She has a perfectly tuned asshole. I thought she did it in her sleep, which would have made it even more amazing, but this morning she told me she was aware of her little ass jingle. She thought I was asleep and didn’t hear it. Oh, but I did. She is very proud of herself. -rdmtk

That’s why she’s been turning you down for anal. Wouldn’t want to stretch out “The Whistler”.

The Harlem globetrotter are the best basketball team in history. 1.000 winning percentage -catlactation

Wiki puts their record at 22,500-356 That’s not 1.000. But its pretty impressive.

Seriously, why do you Americans like hand-eggball so much? I have tried to put it together but I can’t really. I thought it was the violence or “hard hitting” or something. But then I realized, why wouldn’t they watch hockey where there’s real hard hitting and actual fighting? It can’t be the flow of the game because after every 5 or 10 yards you have to pause the damn game for nearly a minute to think of up a NEW play. What is it? -southamericandream

I like the NFL because every play has the potential to be some crazy awesome display of talent and timing, like Barry Sanders breaking 15 tackles before a Touchdown. Or, the inverse happening, a tiny mistake on a play you’ve seen a million times turns into epic mayhem, like James Harrisons Super Bowl TD before the half. I’ve seen tens of thousands of hockey and soccer goals, and they all look relatively the same after a while. There’s very little innovation. The NFL has a chance for miraculous improvisation every 45 seconds. Also, the fact that the game has turned into the closest competition analogous to war, is probably what fuels all the popularity in gambling.

Why is Kurt Cobain considered a legendary rock icon? -randamerican

Because he shot himself rather than see his music be used to sell junk to Americans during football games. Sure, his music sucked, but he cared enough about it off himself. That’s pretty rock and roll of him. So, his fans get to make a martyr out of him. Unfortunately, we had to listen to Courtney Hole for the next 5 years, so some of us are more jaded about his decision than others.

Why do people pre-order games? Aside from pre-order bonuses there really isn’t a single reason to pre-order a game. I can’t remember the last time a store didn’t have a copy of a brand new game on the release day. -occifer123

I only do it for the games I think I might have difficulty obtaining on Launch Day. And for these games, I have taken the day off of work, so there is no way that I’m chancing having to spend half the day going from store to store to find one. $5 to gurantee its there when I want it? Why wouldn’t I do it?

Senate reconciliation on healthcare is a go. neat, suck it republicans. -UMEagles

If there is one thing that I’ve learned in the last 9-10 years of politics is the utmost refusal to expect anything productive from Congress. It’s a procedural katamari damacy.

Could a zombie game work using Heavy Rain gameplay? Cuz I just had a recurring dream that I was inside one. It was neat. I amost got ate twice. -KahnsumerX

Lots of games could be made like that. A sports game could be successful, as long as the story was good. It just doesn’t seem like the gameplay style is popular. These games have been around since the early 80’s. See Dragons Lair. It’s just the market doesn’t have much demand for games like these for quite a while now.

Do you think the little kid directing flight traffic is as big a deal as the media? -WhoresShoeChamp

I mean, it’s not like he asked his kid to cover his shift while he grew a tail. He said, “Hey Son, read this into the mic. It’ll be cute.” People losing their jobs over this is just sad and unfortunate.

care to explain to me why people like to eat really spicey food/snacks? What kind of sick masocistic freak are you if you like to have throbing pain in your mouth and on your tounge? -sevenpointnine

I like Wasabi. Its got a strong opening and disappears almost immediately. I agree with you for the most part, though. People who put habanero sauce on pizza every time are missing the point, and probably addicted to endorphins. But, I crave spicy polynesian or mexican food sometimes. If done right, the spicyness accentuates the flavour, not overpowers it. And if you aren’t open to it, you’re missing a lot of good food.

How Would A Priest Find A Young Boy Hiding In Long Grass? Irresistible. -HamTam

Nice M Night Shaymalan punchline, I lol’ed.

“If a black girl sucks your dick, she hangs it over your head forever but when a white girl sucks your dick, she does it like she’s personally responsible for your reparations.” – a friend of mine. White girls are generally more down to do stuff than black girls. -fightforyourlove

You should have told him that he’s welcome for sharing your white women with him. They ARE superb. Unless you yourself are black, in which case, you’re welcome. They ARE superb.

The best part of the Daily Show is when they get clips of people contradicting themselves. They’ll have the person saying one thing, and then the next second the person is saying, word for word, the exact opposite of what they just said. SO satisfying -Oxybaras

The best part is no one in the real media can do the same thing and make the politicians accountable. Oh wait, thats actually the worst part.