The What’s What, Volume 154

Is jaywalking actually a crime anywhere except the fucking nation of America? America is one of the most backwards places on the face of this earth and has one of the most retarded police forces of all time. -KnoYoRole

Im guessing by your content that you are not an American. Let me tell you something. It’s a problem here in the NorthEast. I dont have an issue with considerate jaywalkers. People who, when jaywalking, do so when both lanes are clear for a long as they need. However, as an American-hater, you are well aware that we have our share of self-important assholes. Some people are just blindly walking in the street expecting cars to stop for them. They think that “Right of Way” means “I CAN GO NOW BECAUSE IM ME” That’s bullshit, and its fucking dangerous for everyone. They wont even pick up their pace when lines of cars are waiting for them. Ticket these fucking assholes. All day long.

Another Gun Safety Teacher shot in the head by Student. 9 is way too young for an Uzi. I didn’t learn how to shoot a gun until I was 13. Long arms only. And that was after a number of years of pellet rifles. A pistol. I think I was 15 or 16. -Atomik

Im sure that girl woke up this morning looking forward to a long life of being comfortable around guns and news stories about guns. Good job, EVERYONE IN CHARGE.

wtf? Conspiracy Theory that ISIS was created by the US? From NY Times, too, so this doesn’t seem to be just some random conspiracy theory. Knowing what the CIA has done in the past I wouldn’t really be surprised, but srsly? -Mythix

Does the United States have a history of provoking small militarized unstable civilizations half a world away to benefit their own superior military industrial complex? Most certainly. Does it do so DELIBERATELY? I mean, c’mon. We’re only sort of fucking retards here.

The CEO of the ALS ice bucket charity makes $339k / year. -OcciferWilson

I hope these people are paying for Pete Frates’ dick getting sucked on the reg. He’ll die in 3 years, and they’ll be spending his money for DECADES. The Ice bucket shit will never end. They will trademark it or whatever. It’s the Susan G Komen of ALS. Lou Gehrig isnt the face of his own disease anymore. These people hit the viral jackpot, and it looks like they did something. These salaries are only going up. They did their jobs here, dude.

Doing anything to mourn Joan Rivers? -Gr8Escape

Yes. Im going to watch Jumanji a second time this month. Seriously. She sucks.

What was life like back in the year 1997? -SgtSnowball

Sit right down, Sonny, and let me educate you on the ways of the 20th Century. Everything was available to be eaten in “wrap” form. Simpsons ruled the TV. Titanic and Jurassic Park handled the big screens. Grunge was on the cusp of fading out, and country music was getting a bump. China killed every chicken in their country to avoid a BirdFlu pandemic. A clear Mountain Dew-esque alcoholic offering named Zima was still available. This, of course, before Y2K came and claimed the most magical beverage on Earth back for the Gods in heaven. And this was all in the internets infancy, so it’s pretty much all we had. Yes, kid, ’97 was everything the history books taught you, but yet SO MUCH MORE.

Watchmen would be a GOAT movie if it didn’t have the sex scene. I’m down for nudity and sex and shit but it wasn’t that type of movie. They could have easily implied that they were going to have sex and it would have been much better than the 2 minutes of slow song love making that ruined the pace of the movie. -Rackhem

Now that you bring it up, the golf course in Caddyshack 2 was not regulation and the climax event couldn’t have been considered a good faith wager by any reputable gambling association. Really ruined the movie for me.

What do you think about the company Electronic Arts? -ForgotTheQuestion

If people want to pay $60 every year for new rosters, or cheating DLC, Im okay with them selling them. I’m still playing NHL 12, and The Masters Edition of Tiger Woods, whatever year that was. I might buy the last College Football game for like $5 bucks, at some point. The games are entertaining and have vast replayability for me. People seem to have extensive complex gripes with them, but I am not one of those people.

why is it that the democrats have a monopoly on the funny news shows? Bill Maher Stephen Colbert Jon Stewart John Oliver. Idk, i’d think there’d be one alternative. I don’t think there is, right? -lippiti

You cant motivate with fear AND laughter. You have to pick one. That’s not even a punchline. If I was smarter, maybe Id think it was by design.

The What’s What, Volume 153

What is your opinion about babies being used as actors in movies? I personally don’t mind as long as you don’t make the baby cry. I’ve seen a movie where they almost put a baby in a fireplace and he was crying like crazy. He was pretty close to the fire it almost burned his jacket. What do you think? -Persiasaurus

Babies cry all the fucking time. How many times do you remember crying as a baby? Let me put it another way. Let’s say you are 14 years old and your parents are telling you for the first time that you were in a movie as a baby. They didnt want to tell you about it or show it to you earlier because it’s a very scary violent scene. But now that you’re starting to see violent scary movies for fun it’s worth showing you. So, they break out a copy of fucking LORD OF THE RINGS, and a fucking orc rips you out of your fucking hay and blanket manger by your leg and raises a sword behind his head while you scream and cry, and there’s a cutscene to your baby manger sprayed with blood as the crying stops…….. Do YOU give a fuck that some orc terrorized you as a baby, or do you reflect on the EPIC AMOUNT OF FUTURE PUSSY/PENIS this appearance rains down upon you? Are you kidding me, dude? How many times are you going to tell this story to your friends/family/clients/social events/stranger in a Gandalf costume on Halloween? It’s not a traumatizing experience if you have no memory of it, and it leaves an INDELIBLE IMAGE in history or whatever. Even if you were Sandusky’d on an episode of SVU, it’s still something to tell the grandkids.

As an atheist; Do you wish God/the afterlife was real? -Gr8Escape

I’m not necessarily an Atheist. I just never received the answers to the questions that God has required for me to believe. Maybe hell answer them someday. I’d like to be able to see my deceased loved ones and pets while living in contentment in a place where pain doesnt exist and celebrate the eventual death of my friends and children over the next 80 years, then plan to welcome their children in another 80. I’d like a hypothetical “what if?” machine. It’s like a holodeck, but I can see where certain life decisions have gotten me. Or even set a goal and see if there were any actions I could have taken, and what cost they would have born, to succeed at those goals. I’d like to see how the human race fares over time, what obstacles we turn into accomplishments, and what eventually brings our mighty yet fragile Earth to its eventual end. I’d very much like to believe that things that are too good to be true, aren’t necessarily a punchline to disappointment. I just don’t have faith in it. Who wouldnt want to believe it? Its how religion was popularized. Tickets to the land of the gods immortal. Sounds wonderful.

Watching Tyrant? What do you think is going to happen for the finale? They keep bringing up loyalty, and I think the American brother is doing the right thing for his family, but I’m not sure his brother will understand, and then there is that comment from the embassy woman, or whoever she is, to not get attached to the American brother. Hmm, what does she have in mind, probably a double cross, but I think the American probably already sees that from a mile away, because he’s like a fucking genius, lol. Thoughts? -Atchamachula

I am and enjoying it. I dont think things will go as planned. I expect Barry to lose a few important members, like Yusef for one. Maybe his brother. Maybe even his wife if they want to go full Game of Thrones. And probably the father of his cousins wife who runs the satellites and whos name I forget. You know the cousins wife, the one the President snuggled two fingers into on her wedding night, against her will? (I am quite sure you remember, just trying to draw in some people who might need a reason to watch). They didnt really have closure on their issue and I figure that shit needs to go down before Barry and President Jamal have a fucking dual welding pistola showdown in the palace or whatever is going to come about. I like Jamals actor and the character occasionally has sweet moments. But there’s no way he’s going to take second fiddle from his brother, after the betrayal. Which doesnt even still make a lot of sense at this point, since he had his brother in his pocket anyway. The only guy who stood in Barrys way of progress was General Tarek (sp?) and that dude is half dead in jail, labeled as a traitor. So, the only way I see this going good for Jamal, is if Barry abandons the coup, tells Andy from Weeds to go screw, and its business as usual until the elections. But lets not fuck around here, does THAT sound like a season finale for this show? My ending has Barry confronting Jamal in the Palace office, explaining his plan on how he expects Jamal to relinquish power and retire to the Maldives. Jamal pulls a gun on Barry. Barry cries and begs, Jamal concedes, and blows his own fucking head off. Tease to red-haired American lady plotting election take overs and SEASON 2 PLEASE.

Are you ready for the year to end so we can start 2015 already? This has been the most depressing year for me since 2010. -ScrappleJac

Been kind of a bullshit year for me too, but I got a baby coming. I need this time.

I was at a party and somehow the topic of watermelon came up, and someone mentioned being able to live off watermelon for a month, she said there is NO WAY in Hades because there is no nutrition in it, I told her I think its entirely possible, I mean because water right? I know I probably sound like a complete idiot, but I’m seriously curious, can the human body survive on just watermelon alone for a month? -NovemberHottie

Not likely. You are unlikely to be able to survive on watermelon for a month. It be close, but probably not. If we reference the Survivalists’ Rule of 3′ – 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food, we see that we pass the first two tests, and while the third seems like a victory, there simply isnt enough variety of nutrients in watermelon. Youd be susceptible to all sorts of vitamin deficiencies. You need protein, and you arent getting it. If someone were to find you on an isolated island beach, plentiful with watermelons after 30 days, they’d probably be bringing home your corpse.

Woah, Robin Williams, huh? -CanadiAnne

Im certain that Robin Williams was depressed and chose to commit suicide. It’s why Im using this opportunity to start another conversation. Don’t give me any shit about this not being the time, this is EXACTLY the fucking time.

Some people have unliftable weights crushing them down inside and eventually relent under the daily pressure of life, no matter how rich you are and how many friends you have. OKAY? I fucking get it. Depression exists. You know what also exists? Assholes. People making regrettable decisions. People that do awful terrible things to people and then feel guilty about it. People losing their money and think their embarrassment is too much for them or their family to handle. It’s the reason why there will always be stigma associated with suicide, and its the reason you cant throw your Dads/Brothers/Friends suicide into every shoehornable famous suicide situation like hes a hero. We don’t know the details. You aren’t convincing anyone, because unless you break out their medical records, you don’t know either. It seems to me that defending their choice is really an exercise in coping for the ones left behind. You have to rationalize out of many reasons why someone would choose to take their own life. Might as well be the one that paints them in the best light. The simple fact is that 100% of the people can not be supported under the “depression” umbrella, so stop trying to use every possible association to purge your unresolved feelings. Let the people who chose to leave be forgotten as they wish.

The What’s What, Volume 152

Lol holy shit, this chick just blew up on me because I didn’t text her for a day.  Now apparently she’s done with me, thinks I treat her like shit and is done with men in general.  Either someone fucked her up good in the past or she met someone she wants more than me, either way, done with that mess.   -sqwared2000

“I dont want you to text me EVERY DAY…. I want you TO WANT TO text me every day.”  I’ve gotten that.

Do your legs stop working when taking a shit?  Happens everytime, but this is that long shit, like 30 min in the bathroom shit. Can’t even get up after that.  -failedspy

You sit all day at work or school and your legs dont fall asleep, do you want to know why?  It’s because you’re resting your elbows/arms on your legs to play on your phone or assist squatting. That’s cutting off blood flow.  Roll up a towel and use as elbow rest. Or build a shitter desk. Or hurry up.

I found god tier chocolate; Cadbury Dairy Milk with Oreo.  I’m in the UK right now btw.  -OAmber

No one goes to England to find their favorite food has been upgraded. That’s ludicrous. It’s an offense to chocolate that youd leave anywhere on Earth, and find some better version of it in England.  Going to England for food is like going to the car dealership for medical assistance.

What would be the worst way to get cheated on? Beej, anal, emotionally, vaginally?

Whatever she wouldnt let YOU do.

How do I erase memories?  I’m having a terrible morning. -OffalTerrine

By making new ones.  Thats why getting over a painful experience takes so much time.  If youre in a time crunch, I recommend drugs.

Did anyone honestly even really like Hanna-Barbera cartoons? -IDeservedThat

Yes.  Laff-O-Lympics was the absolute winner of life for me, as an 8 year old.  The Great Grape Ape.   JabberJaw.  USA Cartoon Express.  Giddyup.  But, essentially, if you liked one show, you liked them all.  They were all pretty much the same formulaic story lines and art styles.  I can see how you wouldn’t dig them.  Again, if you hated one, you hated them all. 

If you live out of your car, what are you labeled as? Someone who lives out of their car (that’s paid off and the maximum worth is about 9K) but can’t afford to pay for an apartment? They’re financially fucked in a lot of ways but yet they aren’t homeless.  What would most people label this person as? -packingMC92

A human.  And I disagree with your contention that they are not homeless.  Do they have a home? No? They’re  homeless. Just because you are carfull doesnt mean you arent homeless. 

I think it’s gross when people use their tablet/phone in the bathroom.  -byeonyx

Then why do you leave your toothbrush in there? 

Are you afraid of dying? -km_ultra

I’m afraid of pain. I’m afraid of death coming sooner than Id like. I don’t want it to come, but accept that it will.  Death itself, though? I respect Death. Death plays an important role.  It’s the ultimate in unconditional acceptance.  It sucks for the living, but I’ve never heard anyone experienced complain about it. 

Do you think retired porn stars masturbate to their own scenes?  -Steev88

Probably?  I doubt they are doing much masturbating at all, though.  They have probably partnered up with a person (or people) who satisfy them, after the years of experiencing that kind of lifestyle.  Maybe they watch porn while they do it.  Maybe its their porn scenes?  Maybe the porn star in question finds that tacky. Maybe they have a digital picture frame slideshowing their best Texas steer-horned reacharounds right next to pictures of their Mom on the fucking marble and gold mantlepiece.  Porn seems to attract all personalities.

Having a daughter, huh?  How will you handle her birth control situation? -CanadiAnne 

I know, right?  All my tongue-in-cheek hiding-behind-the-anonymity-of-the-internet misogyny comes back to haunt me.   Luckily, her mother can handle most of that heavy lifting.  I am a realist.  Shes not getting married a virgin.  Ive already accepted that before I rolled the dice of fatherhood.  Ive resigned to her losing her virginity to some long-term high school boyfriend, as a victory of Fatherhood.  Now that you mention it; 

Hi, Honey.  It better be at least 2019 before youre reading this.  Daddy loves you, whatever happens.  Don’t rip his heart out.

The What’s What, Volume 151

I’m bored. -Raven237

Boredom has all but been extinguished from my life because maturity has removed it, or cell phones, or a combination of both.  I invented a new game out of boredom stuck in the situation that forced me to watch Family Feud on mute.  I tried to decipher what the question was based on the answers popping up on the screen, like a Jeopardy Feud Remix or something, but that shit is hard.  Not to mention completely imfuckingpossible when you need closed captions or someone to rewind a DVR to hear the question for any confirmation.  It was like someone canaled the root of my brain.  To this day, I dont know what they asked 100 people that made them come out with Candy Corn, Grandmothers, and Waterslides.   The point is, I didnt have a phone, so I had to entertain myself.  And Family Feud on mute wouldnt have done it for me as a kid.  I would to have started wrestling chairs or something.

LOL Donald Sterling calls the deal off and will pursue his 1 billion $ lawsuit. holy fuck just go away old man.  -Gr8Escape

All legal experts on whatever news program you are watching were all saying the same thing, and are all right. The answer is capital gains taxes.  Since Donald Stirling bought the team for $40M in 1977, if he sells the team now for $1B, he’ll have to pay 33% of the profit, $960M for some $320M in taxes.  But, if he dies and the team is bequeathed to his family, the valuation is readministered to the actual value the day the paperwork is filed. So the family is now on the hook for an estimated $850M base value, and when they sell it for $1B, they only have to pay 30% of the $150M in capital gains taxes for some $50M.  There are an estimated $270M reasons why this shit will go on IN PERPETUITY. This legal battle will go on for the remainder of Donald Stirlings life, because he has the means and the system allows for it. He will win with his last act on Earth; by simply dying.  Capitalism is the major reason the courts in USA are filled with frivolity and excess, not old ladies spilling coffee on themselves.

Ever take a dump in a public restroom with some dude in the stall next to you masturbating?  Awkward.  -TerminalRage

Yes, once.  But, I assumed he was only fapping BECAUSE I was shitting, so I was flattered.  But, now that I type that out it sounds awfully conceited.  Now, somehow the whole episode seems a little unseemly.

Have you ever put your pillow in the freezer? -boatznpotahoes

Id have to eat a shitload of Toaster Strudels and pork chops and pierogies and ice cream sandwiches and chorizo and green giant veggie things and chicken breasts and waffles for me to be able to fit a pillow in there.

Have you ever run into someone you’ve masturbated to? Sometimes I jack it to friends of friends on Facebook because of bikini pics.  Next day I have lunch with friend and her big tit friend (from facebook) joins in randomly.  no one knows -TylerCartwright

The best part is when you fuck a girl youve fapped to several times.  Once I figured out early in my fapping career that you could put anyone you wanted to in there, without their knowledge or consent, I used a lady from school in my head that shortly thereafter became my eventual sexy time girlfriend.  It’s quite an amazing victory.

The US is responsible for much of the unrest in the middle-east. -MonsterEnergy

The USA has decided its in their best interests to sponsor fights between everybody else on the other side of the world.  Seems kind of smart to me.

Thoughts on Fargo, the TV version?  -BigButtsAndICannotLie

It was great. My wife and I enjoy it very much.  Awesome writing, awesome acting.  Its different from the movie, but similar in the parts that matter. Just enough reference to the source.Didnt get enough mainstream attention.

Fetishes you’ll never understand?  FlagstaffMerc

By definition, all the ones I dont have.

I just ate a 9$ grilled cheese sammich.  it tastes like a 35cent grilled cheese sammich you could make at home. I am disappointed to find out that a 9 dollar grilled cheese doesnt have like magic cheese in it or something.  -Flatwe4r

Was it at a real restaurant or did you get gouged in some airport terminal or something? If youre ordering a $9 grilled cheese from a NYC restaurant, you are well within your rights to expect something a little fancier than a grilled cheese youd make for your kids.  Like if you got a $9 grilled cheese at some stadium or fancy rest area, Id consider you lucky for getting real cheese.

Sometimes I feel like giving up with the ladies and joining the ranks of the forever alone.  -ScrappleJac

Can I tell you about the time I alone approached 8 women at a bar table? I looked them all in the eye, introduced myself, and asked the 7th hottest one to dance. Her friends were floored. One of them gasped. The 7th hottest one TURNED ME DOWN. Her friends all essentially yelled at her and told her to get out on the floor with me. I stopped them from doing so. I said it would be awkward to dance with a woman who didnt want to dance with me. I thanked them all for their time, apologized for the interruption and said good night.

The hottest one stopped me. She said “Well, I want to dance with you. Will you dance with me?” I took her up on it and then she proceeded to dry hump me on the dance floor for 6 minutes. She scratched my neck, she grinded on my junk, she took my hands and put them on her chest and hips. I thanked her for helping me save face. She told me that she liked the way I handled the situation and gave me her number. I never called.  Maybe I was saving my self the embarrassment of it being fake.  Maybe I thought I couldnt live up to the bar I had set. 

The moral of the story is to try. Outcomes different and maybe better than the ones youre banking on are possible.

 

The What’s What, Volume 150

To celebrate your 150th Whats What, you write a commercial?  You fucking sell-out.  -snacksnacksnacks

It’s not selling out if you dont get paid.  Its just a story I wrote with a limited expected audience.  It could have been you, if you enjoyed it.  I wasnt really expecting a phone call from Roger Goodell or anything.  I could have posted it in May and taken a nap.  It was bonus. A dessert, not the monthly nutmeat I usually try to provide. 

The new X-men movie saved the film industry.  It was so good i cried tears of joy.  -FlaiThai

I’m glad you enjoyed it.  The film industry would barely have noticed if it was a total failure.

I’ve been in love with this girl in my class for years, but then she joined the drama club and became insufferable.  Ive never experienced anything like that before.  -codcmndr

I bet shes one of those girls who is awful, thinks shes good, yet shes got a speech ready for the haters.  Call it internet standards if you wish, but my penis cant fuck annoying. I’ve tried, believe me. It’s like a frightened turtle pulling back into its shell.   No thanks. My efforts are elsewhere.

I fucking hate how this country has a support the troops slogan/bumper sticker, but we don’t do jack shit to actually help these people. Happy fucking Memorial Day.  -DarthHobo

The government spends millions on miniature flags for Arlington, yet they make more memorials letting veterans die on waiting lists. I’m sure a Senator somewhere owns the flag factory.  What Im saying is, if the government cant be bothered enough to give a shit, I’m gonna play golf and BBQ.  The veterans in my family are doing the same thing.

according to a million news articles, men are going to be wearing makeup in a few years.  -d6661

I grew up with 4 sisters, and to their credit, they never put me in a dress or heels or gave me a face full of makeup. They did hit me with cover up before a big dance or picture day if I had any acne. I outgrew acne, and am all set with makeup now, but won’t besmirch anyone who wants to blend away other peoples retarded misconceptions for convenience sake.  I just dont think the majority of men will want to spend the time, effort, or concentration to not touch their face all day.   Still, theres money to be made.  The Cosmetic industry is a hundred billion dollar racket and they’re only utilizing 50% of the possible customer base.

The 9/11 Restaurant and Gift Shop; appropriate or money grab? -Intricitease

A restaurant, I’m okay with. I’m sure the prices are high, but it’s something I don’t think is unseemly to offer.  People get hungry and thirsty. Unless we think we need to be made to suffer or sacrifice in the name of respect or whatever. You can stuff that bullshit.  A gift shop could be fair game, it all depends on whats made available.  I’m sure they’re not selling WTC Jenga or anything, but Im sure some of it is random enough to feel inappropriate to some victims families.

So the read-headed protagonist of Transistor is called… Red.  -Gr8Escape

Thats what happens when your writers draw things for a living.

Fun Fact: White people love milk. –Tripz

We love cereal and cookies. Milk is just a necessary part of those things.

Has Gay Marriage Destroyed “Traditional” Marriage? Just curious. As the courts continue to overturn gay marriage bans in Republican-controlled states, what is happening with “traditional” marriage? Have straight couples stopped getting married? Are straight people turning gay in droves? Has gay marriage adversely affected the lives of straight people in any way? Curious gay minds want to know.  -capaho

My wife and I still love each other, but slightly more retarded people than us might have gone bonkers or something.

I still haven’t gotten over the massively wasted potential of the Fable franchise.  I wish the franchise would be given to a competent developer to do a reboot or something.  -ikki-ikko

It was awful. Its like Tosh on speed with a cockney accent did all the jokes.  Just let it go.  It’s an original theme and setting, but its not worth it.  Just scrap it and start something new.

Favorite Game of Thrones character?  -havocfourzero

Petyr “The Mockingbird” Baelish.  Pulls the strings and does his own dirty work.  Very complex guy.  Shout out to Peter Dinklage for his upcoming Emmy.  Has one man owned a scene more convincing without a word then Dinklage as Oberyn told him the story of Cersei showing off her mutant baby brother?  We should retroactively give an Oscar to Dinklage for playing Miles Finch in Elf.  He was THAT good in that one Game of Thrones scene.

Johnny Knoxville’s stupid loyalty to the jackass guys probably cost him mad money. yeah he’s dabbled in a few major hollywood movies but there was a time he was considered a potential headliner.  he has the charisma and look to be cast as the “sly rogue” the han solo captain kirk type. nathan drake from uncharted was modeled after him. he made some dingers like the daisy dukes and the ringer and then went back to making jackass movies and then signed on for shit like movie 43 and other dumb shit.  such a shame. he needs to fire his agent and everyone around and run away from dickhouse as much as possible.  -amurrican

Yeah, I find myself stewing in negativity that rich people could have more money all the time, too.

Both The Godfather and The Godfather II are the most overrated movies ever made.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re great movies. But the way they’re religiously adored as GOAT is bullshit. -heymomimonyoutube

They are popular. I saw them so late, that the plot and references were ruined by pop culture long before I had actually watched the movie. So, it was like this parody of itself. I actually think I laughed when Sonny got shot, because it was just as ridiculous as people described or lampooned in any variety of shows over the past 20 years, one of which being the Fraggles.

Did we ever get an answer as to why Donald Sterlings gf wears a visor now?  -FastFl1ght

Great question that kind of faded away.  Is it to dissuade claims of fame whoring?  The unpopular opinion audio recording syndicate is an identity thieves paradise?  Whatever the case, we havent seen an asshole step up their visage game this heavy since Michael Jackson died, and she should be commended for it.

The What’s What, Volume 149

Call me scum if you wish, but I only tip my barber and waiter/waitress. Anyone else you’re tipping is getting out of control. I went to Dunkin n’ Donuts and bitch gives me a look for
not leaving a tip in the jar.  #FuckEm’  Same thing goes with pizza drivers. -SteelKnight47

I just like to keep the people in charge of my food, happy. That shit is noticed and remembered.  Especially delivery drivers. 

Rec me sone Indian food. This place I go to is pretty decent, but I don’t know what I should try past Chicken tikka masala and Lamb Shahi Korma. What do? -Alpha-Cyan

I avoided Indian food for a long time.  Everything sounded good until they got to “Chicken baked in yogurt” and that shit is EVERYWHERE.  But then I had some, and the more I eat, the more I love.  I recommend you try something new.  Everything is pretty much the same, with minor variations.  If you need specifics, you’d better be getting Naan every time.  Garlic Naan.  Its a warm garlic pita bread kind of thing.  Also, Chicken (Or Lamb or Fish) Chaat.  It’s fucking delicious Indian nachos with cucumber.  Do that.  Im telling you, if you like Indian food, you can order whatever and it will taste like Indian food.  Mix it up.  Surprise yourself.

Autos can pull faster times so whats the point? -whorehey

They CAN, but they are never set for raw power from the factory. They are set for fuel efficiency. The automatic transmission is too heavy for professional racing vehicles, and they weigh the car down to the point of negative benefit to that of a human.  A human pulls an imperfect time, but its still a 99%, and not worth lugging around the additional hundred pounds or whatever. 

What weapon did you use to kill the last enemy you defeated in a game? -Raven237

The most basic standard ammunitions assault rifle in XCOM: Enemy Within.  I was trying to level up a group of scrubs, but they all died and I rage quit.

You feeling this season of Game of Thrones?  -diamondtime

I’m glad that Arya was portrayed as getting satisfaction from revenge. So often, it’s written to be this cliche’d empty hole inside that still requires filling.  When, in fact, revenge is quite awesome.  Also, I wish someone would write a new joke for when a character has to be recast.  The old “Hey, you look different joke.” is as stale as a tumbleweed of sourdough.  But, yes, this season is great.  I would rather people die sporadically than in crescendos or with lots of foreshadowing.  Really makes every episode appointment television.

I think i really figured out Inception. Cobb had a small penis and was envious of his fathers larger but still small penis.  Thus, what we saw was not the stuff of dreams but rather nightmares, where giant tiny penis’ roam and bounce about freely. Where balls dangle ever so slightly and even the faintest of touches can result in massive destruction.  -Hip_Hop_Papotamus

Their totems represent their penises! Its why they are always handling them!  IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW 

You are offered one million dollars, however there will be consequences.  You will not be told or know of the consequences until they happen.  -WildGamerAppears

That’s pretty dumb. You might as well consider the consequences a million and ten dollars.  You never trade someone a blank check, thats a whole new brand of retarded. 

I dont believe Bryan Singer molested that dude.  You can make up any kind of excuses you want for the “victim” but conveniently waiting years until the the release of Singer’s biggest movie to say something just doesn’t sit right with me.   -codcmndr

I’m pretty sure if someone did something horrible to you, having them succeed and people fawn over them would be a painful experience for you. 

Most “rebellious” thing you did in school?   -SociopathicAnimals

I made up a bunch of anti-administration slogans, posters, and propaganda and decorated the school with them, during our Senior Year.  Our Senior class saw 3 School Presidents in 3 Years (Image is Everything), one leaving under dubious circumstances, so I went off on that.  I witnessed my Dean jump up several times and fail to get one above a set of lockers during a period change, he looked so clumsy and his combover was flopping over sideways.  It was an absolute highlight of timing for me. I wasn’t supposed to be in that hallway at the time. Just fantastic.  I still laugh about it.  I’m laughing now, recollecting.  Ah, Jeez.  Fond memories.  I hope hes dead.

Underrated snacking vehicle?  -RebornAgainAndAgain

Oh My God, Sweet baby Rays Beef Jerky.  It’s spicy and soft and sweet and flavourful.  It’s so good that if a bag of this jerky punched me in the face and took my wallet, I wouldnt even file a police report.

Can you piss without holding your dick? There are always a few mofos from time to time that have their hands in their pockets or on the wall or something when they are at the urinal. -ScrappleJac

Youre talking about public rest rooms?  It’s the only time I can.  Youd have to be a whole new species of endangered idiot to miss the fucking urinal you’re standing in front of.  Girls can 100% hit a urinal and they’re like a bursting water balloon down there. 

I truly believe the average American life is fucking boring.  How would you rate the excitement of your life?  -FlaiThai

Fair, but I dont seek out excitement, in fact, I seek stability.  The only excitement I see regularly is finding a geocache, illegal fireworks, and trespassing golf courses at night to play with glow in the dark balls.  We almost hit a low flying eagle with our car doing 80MPH recently, and I saw the whole thing in slow motion.  That’s about it.

The What’s What, Volume 148

I know a guy who says that the MLS could become the top soccer league in the world within 15-20 years. -curtchemist

I agree. It COULD be. If the kids growing up playing soccer, kept that love for soccer, and it translated into attendances and television ratings.  But they’ve been saying that for FIFTY FUCKING YEARS NOW. Mainstream America sees soccer as a kids game. The ones who don’t, watch The European Leagues and attend a minor league soccer game in the US once a year. One of these generations is really going to have the throw down and grab hold, otherwise, it will forever be minor league soccer.  If the league even stays financially viable, which isnt a given.

Was Gyp Rosetti the best villian in the last 10 years? -havocfourzero

Good call. Narcisse was cool and all, but he did not bring the unhinged ridiculousness that Gyp Rosetti contained. He owned the “I’m not sure if I heard you correctly” look.  You know that look.  The one that when it was offered, the only two possible outcomes for the receiver were boisterous laughter and exulted status, or a painful and terrifying death. The actor really nailed it.  I just looked him up, Bobby Cannavale.  Tired mobster cliches became exciting when he was involved somehow, it was like he was inventing the cliches.

The Kardashian shows entire promo this week is about how the fat brother Rob is dying because he’s fat, and has nothing to do with alcohol, I can assure you.  -2carmashup

But who will design the worlds $80 a pair novelty socks?

lmao @ the Patriots cheating again by falsifying injury reports -Gr8Escape

So, not playing your best players during game is considered cheating now? Got it.

Overheard my boss talking about how she “doesn’t feel beautiful”.  She was talking to some other woman about how she doesn’t even want to date right now because she doesn’t feel beautiful enough for it.  So weird to overhear that from a coworker in a position of authority. -HeizenBane

You can make a woman feel pretty without it being sexual.  Compliments work. When I had women bosses, I’d have fresh flowers on MY desk. One person accused me of manipulation, I saw it as making my boss happy. That shit is important in anyones line of work.

why dont people feel like douche bags when they chant “USA USA”?  in the middle of the street in boston all drunk… like seirously man id feel so embarrased to show that kind of misplaced patriotism. YEAH DUDE USA LETS CHUG A BEER -d6661

When youre drunk, everything goes up to 11. You like your country, that girl is hot, you feel hot, theres that dude from your high school, theres that dude in the same shirt as you, OMG WERE TOTALLY SHIRT BROS, OLD NAVY IS AWESOME USA USA USA USA  Some people are embarrassed by that, others are embarrassed by poor grammar and spelling, what can you do?

Hey white dude, check your privilege.  -reggiefive0

If your argument that a people are systematically disadvantaged, than the people you are comparing them against is the norm, not a privileged class. It’s the exact same fallacy with “equality” and the measures designed to mediate them are the literal definition of inequality, ie giving benefits to a person based solely on one specific trait. (Gender, race, sexual preference) You have to choose one or the other, you cant have both. Plus, recent overuse of the word “privilege” from the zealots is bordering counter-productive buzzwordery. There’s a reason people raise an eyebrow when other people use the term “rape-culture” and any other demonizing term classification based solely on social morays, and thats because it becomes associated with the zealots.

This is coming from someone on your side, friend. I am not a smart person, evidenced by the fact of how easily I was brainwashed by Sesame Street, who taught me that everyone is the same, and I was too dumb to recognize it as liberal propaganda. Trying to convince white people of their privilege is counter-productive. You’re essentially accusing them of cheating at life, which is confrontational, and only going to provoke a defensive response.  You can’t achieve equality while giving benefits to certain people, it’s just that simple.

The pan dulce I bought yesterday is labeled “Hispanic pastries”.   Like, why couldn’t it be labled pan dulce? Or even Mexican pastries? That wouldn’t be racist, because that’s basically what it is.  “Hispanic pastries”…that’s almost as bad as a quesadilla maker. -TipsLikeMrPink

I imagine that there was an argument between the merchandiser and his boss.  One of them was worried that “Pan Dulce” was tough to say and would turn off conservatives, or sounded French and would turn off conservatives.  But maybe they have a “Hispanic Pastry” special every day, and the poor merchandiser didnt want to print out 8 different rolls of stickers.  Don’t me wrong, I hear you.   The name of the aisle on the signs at my supermarket has had 3 different entries in the last 6 months.  First, it was “Mexican”, then “Latin Flavours” and now its “Hispanic foods”.  I just want to know where the fucking tortillas and Goya black beans are, people.  I dont need a discussion on geocultural identification.  

Is it worth it to buy a smartphone (like Nexus 5 for instance) to read books and watch tv shoes on the bus?  -BigButtsAndICannotLie

I’d recommend a tablet for battery and screen size, and the fact that you won’t get a phone call from your Mom in the middle of a Game Of Thrones 2-girl friendly fingerbang session.

Why do homeless people get mad when I ask them to sing me a song for the money? I worked for the money, the least you can do is give me 5 seconds of entertainment before I just give it to you. -IDeservedThat

Just dont even approach those people. Walk on by and save your money for the homeless person opening doors, or washing windows, or selling flowers or water or umbrellas.  Around here there are plenty of homeless people working. Im sure if you keep your eyes open, you might one. Weirdest part is, that guy you made sing, might actually work. You might have caught him on his time off, the thing is, HES FUCKING HOMELESS YOU IDIOT.  If they are approaching you, then that sounds like fucking work.

Just bought an oz of shrooms covered in chocolate.  This will be my first time trying them..well when the weekend comes. I’ve done acid already. Any tips?  -km_ultra

Yeah, next time dont get scammed.  If you bought the drugs covered in chocolate, you got ROYALLY screwed. Mushrooms dont weigh much, while chocolate weighs alot. You should have bought mushrooms, and bechocolatified them yourself.  Since you’re in, I recommend not posting on Facebook.

What type of asshole yankee “fan” buys a jersey with the players name on the back? Why do they sell yankee jerseys like this? -chawktalk

Because then they can give the number to someone else and now your Nick Johnson jersey is a throwback.  What I’m saying is, if the Yankees sold jerseys without the name, there would be no incentive to buy more jerseys when a new player came along in the same number. It’s a point of revenue.

Man that new Cosmos show is noooot that good it was entirely a cartoon that tells the life events of Isaac Newton and a couple of his colleague. not enough to dominate an entire episode of a show called “Cosmos” its about the Cosmos not a biography about the early pioneers of the subject. and I realize Sagan did a few episodes where he talked a lot about Johannes Kepler and stuff but that was the 80’s and Sagan had the swag to pull it off. started out promising in episode 1 but the next two episodes were fuckin’ boring get to the space exploration already holy shit  -ikki-ikko

People make jokes about Newton and how he didnt “find” or “invent” gravity, yet he gets all the credit. But Newton was a lunatic, he was deciphering number puzzles that he was INVENTING from the Bible to try and talk to God and shit. And then Halleys comes up and is all “Hey. Help me out Bro, youre the smartest dude we know.” Halley had the idea. He just needed someone good at math to prove it.  Halley has to pull all these fucking strings and jump through hoops and get people who hate each together so he can physically, financially and single-handedly fund the FUNDAMENTAL TENANT OF SCIENCE and for it, he gets paid in FUCKING FISH ENCYCLOPEDIAS. Newton didnt even give a shit. No mention of any apple. He just wanted to get back to his fucking imaginary biblical sudoku.

I dont know. I found that story fascinating. Halleys is the true hero, he was busy putting charlatans and false prophets on blast for reading comets as signs from God. I just thought he was the guy who discovered the single comet, but he single handedly ended religions, and changed the world for the better. He doesnt get enough pub. He deserves handfuls of boobies on some fucking HBO miniseries, so an episode of Cosmos is a good start.

The What’s What, Volume 146

I don’t know anybody who thought/thinks Steve Martin was/is funny.  -Razkizzle

That can’t be true, he’s quite popular.  I like his straight acting more than I do his comedy acting, which I still enjoy.  I am not a fan of his interviews or stand up, during the times hes trying to generate funny. Hes been underwhelming there, personally.  He seems like a genuinely interesting person when there are no expectations of comedy.

Have you ever met a midget irl? -DarthHobo

I believe they prefer the term “mini-bro”.  I’ve known two as acquaintances.  That is to say that they knew my name and we had occasional conversations.  Both were unsurprisingly grounded.  That’s not a pun, they were down to Earth people.  That’s not a pun, either.  One of whom was was like one of the handful of black students out of the thousands of white kids at my high school.  To say he was noticeable is unfair to notability.

Why do kids draw the sun in the corner of the paper? -ProfessionalGreek

A full yellow circle takes up too much room.  You need that space for chimneys, and birds, and clouds and UFOs and shit.

Srs: Tips on shaving my asshole?  Too much hair around there. Taking a shit is becoming an unpleasant experience. -lilnu7s

Seriously, huh?  We’ve ruled out trimming, completely?  I’d hire a nurse and fake a back ailment, probably. 

Trying to quit soda and it’s clear that I cant live without it.  Water is just so bland and plain and blah.  My tongue needs sweet carbonation. -IcoIcoAhnay

SodaStreams are popular.  Lower calories and you can control the sweetness.  But then you can just drink seltzer if you need the carbonation.  Otherwise, Im always a fan of making lemonade or ice-tea.  Ice-tea is best if you are worried about sugar.  

 I won’t even lie: traditional European food is pretty underwhelming.  Other than Italian and Greek. Bah gawd.  Can’t hold a candle to ALL THE SPICES OF THE ORIENT.  -OddToddBodskin

You cant really not mention the French here. They pretty much invented food.  This coming from someone who agrees with you about Asian cuisine, across the board.

Realizing that the universe is empty, humanity has no greater purpose, and that you, your relationships, achievements, memories, etc. are utterly meaningless, must be pretty depressing. Your best friend who died of cancer isn’t in a better place, he’s just gone. Also the community and support of church has an obvious appeal to some.  Do you miss the idealism of religion? -failedspy

The idealism?  Not at all.  Its actually quite reassuring that I can make my own purpose.  I play golf on Sunday mornings and enjoy the Earth, not listen to some old boring speeches about guilt.  I’m thanking religion that people are sitting in those uncomfortable wood chairs, leaving the course open for me to have my own spiritual experiences.  Maybe I’ll join a fraternal community organization when I have kids or something. 

What was the worst game you ever bought?  Shaq-Fu for Super Nintendo was mine. Huge disappointment.  -boatznpotahoe

I learned a lot about life when I bought ET for the Atari 2600. It was essentially my entire savings as a small boy.

Battle of Endor! You have to fly with one of these Rebel squadrons! Who do you fly with? -Rilly_Big_Dude

Ive always loved B & Y Wings. It looks like they have no business as weapon ships. Like the payload storage of the Y Wing is smaller than any other ship, but they carry the bombs? Hilarious design.  But video games have taught me the domination of the AWing. The bastard is a hummingbird with shotguns. Plus the cockpit looks like its got leather and muhfuggin burlwood trim throughout. Strap me in.

Which Video Game (series) would you like to see made into a movie? -ClickItLady

How about a star studded cameo showcase of XCOM. Kind of like 50’s Oceans 13 only everyone gets killed by aliens in horrible, gruesome ways.  Would that be interesting to you?

lol at people who need drugs to make their lives better -TakerIsWrestling

Im for anything that makes someones life better.  You should save your negativity for the people fucking up their lives in any way; drugs, women, shufflepuck.

Now with woman in combat, it’s going to be really bad for the military when they make a public mistake.  -plasteredjerk

I know, its crazy.  The military is going to have to invent some term to reference all the instances of incompetent, accidental, or subversive killings done to American soldiers by American soldiers.   Something catchy like “neighborly no-nos” “regrettable reports” or “polite oopsies”, but not as obvious. Boy, is THAT going to be an embarrassing creation.

Write a religious joke, LIVE! -Jynxreturns

Why did Jesus cross the road?  Because he had things to do over there.

The What’s What, Volume 145

A foodie? Let me get this straight, you enjoy things that taste good?  NEWSFLASH: so does everybody else. What a stupid label to bestow upon oneself.-MimaiSong

Its about recognizing and appreciating techniques and talents.You keep considering freezer meat and boxed noodles “gourmet”. Im not going to criticize you. To your face.

Long story short, one of my best friend’s wedding is coming up … I’ve known this guy and his wife to be since freshman year in college, he was my roommate throughout college, they’re among my very close group of friends. I’m even a groomsman at their wedding, and all my friends want to meet her since we’ve been going strong for 2 years almost. Anyway, I’ve told the gf about this wedding a long time ago, but now she says she can’t attend because she’s going camping and horse riding that weekend with her friend in some cabin and that her friend has already paid for the cabin. I mean, I’ll be fair she told me about this trip too, and even invited me, but at the time they hadn’t set a date. I told her about this wedding (and the date) before she brought the cabin up (imo it doesn’t even matter, it’s a bloody camping trip, they can do this anytime). I mean, am I unreasonable in expecting that a camping trip is nowhere near as important as one of my best friend’s wedding? I couldn’t even argue with her last night because I was tired and she seems completely okay with the fact that going camping is okay that weekend. -AbnormalYetFormal

Relationships arent about having things in common, they are about supporting each others happiness. That being said, your best friends wedding would be the one of those things were Id expect a compromise for your needs. I mean, if the first impression of her from your friends is one of abandonment, then thats not a good start. My honest feeling from this is that shes not serious about you, and you should leave her before she leaves you.

I’ve been in a year and half long relationship and I’d be lying if I said my ex (pretty much the girl of my dreams at the time.) didn’t cross my mind and we broke up about 3 years ago. I found out last week that my old best friend and her are now going out and I’ve tried to keep a smile on my face but it’s really cut me deep even though I know I’d never go back to her. -IDeservedThat

You are looking at this the wrong way. You might have fucked the wife of some dude who betrayed you. You have the upper hand here, focus on that.

It bugs me when people know so little about other countries and their people. I am particularly annoyed by it because my family was originally Iranian immigrants to Lebanon. Basically no one in America has any idea where either of these countries are. Then when I tell people they will be like “hmm, thats weird that you are from the middle east. You look just like a white person.” -LateTangdon

My favorite part was when you lumped an entire region of people together and called them all out for generalizing an entire region of people.

Would my son hate me if I name him Bjorn? -Luthiel

That depends. Is your last name Tooride?

Would you have blown an Orangutang to prevent the Holocaust from happening? -snacksnacksnacks

“Give my regards to the Nusbaums.”  *salutes orangutang*  *leaves*

If I see a person with ear gauges of any size (stretched ear hole things), I immediately judge them as fucking dumb.-ZezetheZ

I just think they look uncomfortable. I pity them they way I pity some girl walking in ridiculous heels. An exchange in uncomfortability for vanity never made sense to me.

Great point about Star Trek/Star Wars games.  (WW 144) What are your 3 favorite Star Wars games? -kinderfrau

1. Galaxies 2. The old X-Wing game for PC 486’s 3. The Battlefront series

So, your mom and your wife switch bodies… and you have to bang one or they both die slow, painful, torturous deaths.  So you can either bang your mom’s body, who is actually your wife. Or, you can bang your wifes body, but actually be banging your fucking mom. Choose. -Razkizzle

Good God, this is awful.  What a great question. I guess it would be best for everyone if I could just shut my eyes and fuck my Moms body/girl brain. But the least worst for me would be have sex with wifes body, yet traumatizing my Mom.  I mean, how am I going to enjoy Thanksgiving Dinner knowing my Mom is thinking about the time I stuffed HER like a turkey? Id have to man up and do my Moms body. I like Thanksgivng too much.  That shit cant happen.  I choose wifes mind, because I cant choose Moms body.

Why do people put caps on things that don’t need caps?  shaving cream, why does that need a cap? It’s an aerosol can, its never going to dry out.I take the cap off, someone puts it back on. God dammit. I’m tossing the cap in the garbage, this is the last straw. -heymomimonyoutube

That’s not what the cap is for, it’s to repvent accidental discharge in transit or at home.  Like you lift it off the shelf and bump the top on the above shelf, you wont give yourself a Barbasol bukake.

The What’s What, Volume 144

The UI and voice recognition of the Google Glass looks awesome.  Would you ever wear them? -BeefMW

I dont really do anything exciting.  Id use them like a videocamera if there were fancy doings happening that I could edit a video from later.  Would it be cool to live broadcast a geocaching afternoon or my annual poker pool BBQ? Yes.  Am I going to wear them all over the place in case something crazy happens?  No.  Also, it would be fun to make porn videos with men saying “GOOGLE – SHARE – EVERYONE” so people unwittingly broadcast their fap sessions.

You make a lot of Star Wars references, but not many Star Trek references.  You are not a fan, I take it?  -kinderfrau

I have never, to this day, seen an entire episode of the old Star Trek.  Shit, I haven’t watched an uninterrupted 6 minute chunk.  Not for me.  I had strep throat or something when I was a kid, and we had this little camp 5″ black and white, battery operated TV  I was given to occupy myself, and the only station that came in would pretty much show The Next Generation on loop.  I remember enjoying those shows.  A part of the lack of appeal may be the complete absense of a quality Star Trek game.  They are all first person shooters, and thats really a fraction of a percentage of the Star Trek ideology.  Star Wars is about Intergalactic Warfare, so it lends itself to video games.  Star Trek is about exploration, diplomacy and problem solving.  It just seems to be a perfect fit for a sandbox space naval turn-based RPG thing. You wouldnt even need a main mission. One hundred different side missions makes the most sense. Someday, maybe.

Why did the DJ get fired from being a chemist? He kept dropping the base. HERP -Effersucht

I thought you were going to say because he lied on his resume.  You said yourself, hes a DJ, not a chemist. That shit is dangerous.

In 31 states, a rapist can sue for custody/visitation.  What in the actual fuck?  -OldestY0rker

It takes a special kind of asshole to file that paperwork.

Scenario: you’re on a first date with a cute girl and she jokes that she likes getting fisted, wat do? -OddToddBodskin

Stuff my fist into my wine glass, shattering it. Never breaking eye contact with her, and saying coyly “How silly of me, I forgot to lick the rim first.”

It’s snowing here.  -GoBlue22

Thanks for the update, Tom. Now, lets check in with Shawna whos going to tell us about a special little boy in Deer Park.

Jimmy Carter isnt made fun of in SNL, “like all he did was fall into XMas trees.” (WW 140)  That’s Gerald Ford. – MySisterViaText

Oh, damn.  My apologies.  I blame Chevy Chase’s uncanny resemblance to Jimmy Carter.  Ford probably deserves that stereotype, he’s a shitcaker.

Do you like full belly clams? -km_ultra

I am from the rockiest of shores, Massachusetts.  Clams and mussels are a fucking garnish up here. Indeed, I do.

I have an unpopular opinion when dealing with special needs kids that are handed touchdowns on competitive childrens sports teams.  -UMEagles

I dont care how retarded I get. I want to earn everything I accomplish so that I can raise the bar for the retarded people, not lower expectations for everyone else.

Its been almost 20 years since John Candy died.  -CanadiAnne

RIP Harry Crumb.  Also, he also singlehandedly won the 49ers that SuperBowl.  That’s not a joke.  Ask Steve Young.

Thoughts on the gay marriage?  -chawktalk

First they came to give women rights, and I said nothing.  Then they came to give blacks rights, and I said nothing.  Then they came to give gays right, and I still remain silent because I notice only assholes are the ones doing the talking.

Is there any way to know if weed is laced with cocaine, PCP, crack, ETC?  Is there?  -snacksnacksnacks

There is an easy way to tell; Its not.  Dealers arent in the habit of giving away free drugs. That shit is expensive. Some people want their drugs that way, so if something seems off, ask your dealer.  That shit happened once by mistake and Nancy Reagan jumped on that like it was a common form of possible murder.