The What’s What, Volume 34

I never understood why they put mentally retarded kids in the same school with real people? -maestroofdoom

It’s so people can become accepting of them. They make you eat lunch with them so you know not to stare at them while they eat. They “pet” them off to the football team so jocks can feel better about themselves as they are scrubbing the toilet with a nerds face.  You know, basic social courtesy.

So there is this girl that I kinda have my eye on– but I haven’t found a way to break the ice and get further than a few hellos here and there.  She likes to read/write fiction, but she tells me she’s been suffering from writers block. I was thinking, I could offer that her and I could co-author something together during the next few weeks whenever we can so she can over come her writer’s block.  Cheesy?  Stupid? Works? -WaffleMurderer

I resent the term “writers block” as most hobbyists use it as a buzzword for their laziness, when in fact they just want to talk about the fact that they write to look creative and educated.  But, by all means, I’ve done crazy things to get knuckle deep.

When I got around college age, an older co-worker told me “You got to learn to play golf…because business deals don’t get done at pickup games.” Strange to hear from one black guy to another, but he was right! The only business deal I’ve ever seen happen during a b-ball game was a drug deal in that movie “New Jack City”.

After making too many excuses not to, my sister bought me a set of clubs and I learned to play…but then Obama gets in office and I see him playing ball with other politicians. One of the dudes he plays ball with got a cabinet position. I don’t think that’s why he got the position…but I’m sure it didn’t hurt his chances.  Could basketball be the new golf? -HotAnxiety

Golf is six hours of primarily walking or waiting.  Basketball is high paced and tiring. Plus the settings are less conducive to business.  Open manicured lawns vs. sweaty, stinky gym.  Even when deals were done “on the tennis court” they were done in the country club, in the bar after the workout.  I think golf is still going to be the way to go here.

I’ve never understood the conquest of “taking a virgin”. Really, sex for the first time is akward and uncomfortable. And for women, it’s suppose to be something they hold very close in thier memories. I can see how some guys might think of this as a “victory” so to speak, but in reality, you’re just being a gigantic douche imo.

A virgin is “tight” I guess? I just think that ruining a womans first experience is such a ****ed up thing to do. Especially if that’s your whole intent. It’s guys like you that make fathers the world over hate young men. I can only hope that you yourself have a child, it’s a girl, and you have to think about how a guy like you tried to destroy what was sacred in her sex life.  -FromdaHillz

I’ve claimed 5 virgins and I don’t feel I “destroyed” anything sacred. It adds me a lifetime of self-esteem to know that 5 beautiful girls entrusted me enough with that responsibility. Every time they discuss with their boyfriends past partners, every time they hear the word “virginal”, when they have to realize that their own kids are having sex in 20 years or whatever, they’ll be thinking of me. And from all accounts, I’ve made that experience pleasant and comfortable.  Just because your sex is awkward and uncomfortable, doesn’t mean everyone else is a douche.

Domestic abuse is not a laughing matter. -Xboxgerrl

I’m sympathetic to a woman once per man for these incidents. The second time shifts from sympathetic, to perception of pathetic.  Just my nature, not something I choose to react to.  As far as I’m concerned, if you go back, you have rationalized it in your relationship as something you will put up with, for whatever benefits you receive in trade.

9 Year old writes essay “How to talk to girls”.  Gets book and movie deals.  Your thoughts? -Spokanefan

Precocious shitcaker. I’ll be sure to take my relationship advice from an expert whos a virgin without pubes.  There are people in this world who actually can dispense good advice.  Why we nationally humour this asshole is way beyond my comprehension.

I’m pretty bummed, a friend of mine is leaving the office next week but tomorrow is the last day I get to see her before she moves to Korea since I will be back in the US.  I bought her tea as a going away gift. -CannonReed

Isn’t that like getting someone going to Idaho a potato?

There is this woman I´m getting close to right now, but….I recently found out that she´s pretty much a racist. She said the N-word several times and made severl comment on the black community. I still like her though. I´m not racist.   Srsly. -tussin

Pop her vagoo and when you are releasing you man chowder, yell “I’m half N!&&AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”  Then dump her.  Good times.

I think we should restart naming diseases after famous people that they claim. Like Lou Gehrigs disease. -BootzMacreary

Crazy wife shot you? Phil Hartman Syndrome. Fat and cocaine could be the Chris Farley disease.
Shotgun suicide is Cobain-itis. What fun!

The What’s What, Volume 24

Are High school relationships pointless? PesticularCancer

Good question. Mostly. They are good social practice. Though, I always pitied high school sweethearts that got married. I couldnt fathom not having the experience of multiple relationships. It has made me into quite the self-aware person. Not to mention the variety of girls that found me appealing enough to consider a boyfriend, has been a source of esteem for me. The variety was astounding to me.

Mom said she’ll buy my dinner tonight… She said she’ll give me 15$. What should i get??? -Melonium

Raid your fridge and pocket the cash.

My mother threatened to leave my family when I was 7 I wish she went through with it. -Drsayus100

You should tell her that. That would really grind her gears.

Have you ever heard that song “Inside the Fire” by Disturbed? Apparently his girlfriend commited suicide a few years ago and thats what the song and video are about… -Phanatic420

She made her decision. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just another whiny loser lamenting his girlfriend dumping him. People with real pain don’t exploit it.

“Crash Into Me” has got to be the dirtiest song about sex ever played on an acoustic guitar. -fgnrock33

“Loving you” – Adam Sandler

“Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace,
play with balls and tell him how big they are.
Tell me about you old boyfriends dick and how big it was,
now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me jack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? Now stick it up my ass,
push it in and out at a medium pace….”

I’m Canadian and have seen you, and people on TV talking about Chicken and Waffle resturants. Like, is it fried chicken and waffles with syrup? What’s the appeal? -Tailor-Maid

You mean, besides that they are delicious? I eat the chicken first, and then the waffles as dessert. The taste of maple goes well with chicken and friend foods. Waffles are desserts anyway. I don’t know how the Belgians tricked anyone into eating them for breakfast. Don’t even get me started on the Danish.

Before I came to school a week and a half ago, my gf came over to do some of my packing while my dad dragged me to church. She wrote little notes and stuck them in a bunch of my clothes, DVD cases, laptop, etc. I’m still finding notes. _Kelvin_

That’s sweet, until you realize she’s only doing it to claim you. She wants college ladies to know she has her talons in you already.

some quality father son time today…..we are going to go play Golf, but I have never been….you talk about golf alot… tips? -Stealthy.Waffles

Then, try not to get discouraged. If the people you are playing with people that aren’t douches, pick up your ball after scoring double par, just to keep the game moving and not get frustrated. Have fun with your Dad. Golf should just be a nice day in the woods.

Do you need to send thank you letters after the first stage of interviewing? Like you go back and meet the same people — do I need to send them more thank you notes? -Dr.fertile

Which is funny because every time someone sends them to my boss, we open them and laugh at your expense. You shouldn’t send letters after an interview, or a thank you card. That stuff is retarded and we laugh at you for it.

How do I get my parents to quit dragging me into their drama? I’ve only tried saying (many times) “I really don’t want to hear about it.” It’s not working!!! -Chain_Chomp_Champ

Tell them both the same thing, “It bothers me when you bad mouth Mom/Dad, so from now on, I am going to defend them vehemently until you leave me out of it. Also, talking bad about someone else to me just leads me to believe you’re talking bullshit about me behind my back. You can choose to keep my respect or keep talking. Theres no both, anymore.” Broken record this constantly, just repeat it, over and over, every time you feel the way you do.