The What’s What, Volume 80

Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye. Thanks.  -TygerWoodz3

Hes such a romantic.

“This email was sent from my iPhone”.  Oh God, really?  Sweet, because I was sitting here wondering what you used to reply to my e-mail.  Now that I know it’s your iPhone, I can’t stop thinking about how important you must be.  Assholes.  Learn how to edit a signature. -thecheezythree

I always answer these shitcakers back with an e-mail that quietly ends “Sent from my Amiga 286 ColecoVision Atari 2600″

Good for Biz Marquis getting Radio Shack to fill up his stocking.  Has anyone gotten richer off of one song ever? -MysterySolver

Its like Radio Shack contacted BizMarkie’s agent and they were all “Using that song in a national commercial will cost you $40,000. But for another $10,000, BizMarkie will sing the god damned thing for you!  Give it some time, I wager Digital Undergrounds “Humpty Dance” will surpass it.  Seriously.

Buried or Cremated? -JackColtonsdogg

Cremated. I have this terrible fear that the death of your body does not necessarily mean the death of your mind.

do you intend to lie to your (future) childeren about santa clause? -CrestFightStrips

Nope. I’m going to tell my kids nothing of Santa Claus. I don’t think people should require perceived policing and justice from an imaginary person so they treat other people with dignity and respect.  If everything goes to plan, they will fear my wrath until they are 18, and then, the law.

What the hell is up with furries?  At first I thought it was a joke, then a fad, but it seems to be getting more popular and prevalent.  WTF?  -PalletJunkie

It’s legalized bestiality for the embarrassed and non-rural.  Weird? Sure. Bothering my life? Nope.

Any mental tricks that help pass time? -Disneygro

No, there’s nothing. It’s called boredom for a reason.  Take the opportunity to remind yourself to do some deep breathing. It’s really good for you.

US goes to war against the UK.  Who wins?  -5Mt1.

Wow. Some people are taking this World Cup pretty seriously.  China is the correct answer, with “depends on the reason and who gets more world support” a close second.

The What’s What, Volume 78

The Chinese have devised a way to eat a fish while it’s still alive, not raw, alive.  The video shows a fish on a plate gasping for air while 2 Asian couples giggle while peeling out his sliced insides with chopsticks.  It’s the most disturbing video I have ever seen.   -Awesomo3k

I found a video like you described on LiveLeak, though I will not link it.  I can’t help but feel apathetic to the fish there, struggling to suffocate, wishing someone would eat his brain.  If anything positive comes from this video, it’s knowing that when fish evolve legs, guns, lungs, and language; they will gladly push me and my family aside to peel apart some Chinese family and eat them alive while giggling in front of me.

What’s your opinion of Kristen Stewart? -CryYoung

Until this recent Twilight mayhem, I thought her and Jena Malone were the same person.  Both are attractive, one is outrageously richer than the other.  I don’t know either of them personally, so I can’t really offer any personality observations.

Is the Catholic Church full of perverts and molestors? -wool21

Of course not. It’s Gods plan that his servants enjoy some tiny nut juggling.  If He did not, then why did God create such handsome and easily manipulated little boys?

I’m thinking about becoming a chef, tell me more about the kitchen industry. -AllenBro

It’s complete hell. You work 10 hour days in wool jackets in front of 500 degree ovens and stoves in summertime with no air conditioning. You work when everyone else you know is having fun; nights, holidays and weekends. It’s a thankless job that deals with hungry people, not the most patient kind of human. You come home smelling like sweat and raw fish, only if you are doing it right.

Otherwise, you do end up with an amazing amount of respect from people. Everyone likes to eat good food. Waitresses are easy, likely college aged, and are usually hot and/or super nice, because they make their money from tips. If you work at a place that doesn’t promote you working either while high or drunk, then you have found the exception. It’s a job that’s ALWAYS available, in any city, state or country.

And you know all the inside tricks to a Restaurant. You learn to avoid restaurants on Mondays, because thats the day off for a vast majority of head chefs, and the specials are just leftovers from whatever didn’t sell on the weekend. That’s just one of the useful 50 tips I gleamed from being a chef.

Do you really answer every e-mail? -Carmelodious

Yup.  Either in the blog or via reply e-mail.  Sometimes, I haven’t formulated and opinion on something because of lack of information.  A lot of music questions go this route, I’m not up on a lot of bands.  A couple times people have asked they I do not blog their letter for whatever reason, and I’ll send a personal reply.  Other than that, everything is run through the blog.

Why don’t you ever talk about Metacognition? -CanadiAnne

Judging from my failed novel sales, no one is interested.  Also, people use the words for a lot of different meanings.  My experience with metacognition is figuring out how you interpret information to manufacture new opinions, and improving your outlook by regulating your feelings.  I simply think about an issue, and then disregard the first few obvious reactions to get through the knee-jerk reactions everyone else seems to stop thinking at.  Whatever notions are left are to be consolidated into an original thought.  Just a way of being sure you are able to see situations in a unique way.

If you are interested in regulating your feelings, I suggest renting or purchasing the movie “What the *Bleep* Do We Know?”  It explains much better than I could about how your mind works and how you can remove guilt and other unwanted feelings from your life.  Once you figure out that “venting” is about the most destructive thing you can do for yourself, the rest seems to all make sense.  At least, that was my experience.

Ever been to CiCi’s pizza? -rex1440

Yeah, I went when I was in Florida. It wasn’t the best of atmosphere, bunch of red neck kids running around half naked, blowing water at each other through straws with parents who were too interested in stuffing another dozen bread sticks into their purse.  But if you can eat with white trash around, the mac n cheese pizza was aces.

Why exactly do a vampire and a werewolf wanna bang a teenager? -glidemonkey

If you were immortal, you are saying you could find something else better to do then spend your eternity in HIGH SCHOOL?  I think not, sir.

Whats your favorite food to eat while playing video games? -thecheezythree

Nothing. I try to keep my controller free of oil and crumbs at all times. Even the slightest hint of tactile distraction on the controller forces me to wash it or use another one.

The What’s What, Volume 77

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 or Uncharted 2? -RattlensnakeStyle

Full disclousre.  I haven’t played MW2 yet.  In fact, I just started the franchise last weekend by renting World at War.   Which is a great FPS.  But theres a few of those around and they all kind of have the same thing going on.  Uncharted 2 is like nothing I have ever played before.  It truly was an experience for me.   Puzzles, platforming, shooting, great story, amazing visuals.  It wins GOTY hands down for me this year, personally.

How long could you make it on a deserted island?  Let’s say there are coconuts and rats. -MysterySolver

Islands mean fish.   I’m smart and relatively outdoors savvy. If I had a knife and a fire, I’d be alive for a while. Just bored out of my skull.

Do you play videogames as much as you did in the past? -EllisTurks

Im playing way more video games now than I did when I was a kid. I might have played Tecmo Bowl or Baseball Stars few games a week.  There was a lot of swimming, bike riding, and random fun in the woods when I was a kid.  Now I’m hitting the sticks every day for hours at a time.  I blame the shift on marriage, a 9-5 job, and marijuana.

There needs to be a political party solely dedicated to destroying the two party system. -OpinionBoxer

There needs to be a rich, charismatic, moderate to run as an Independant.   That’s really all it would take.  Ross Perot had a shot, but then he did that retarded drop-out/re-run thing and destroyed his own credibility and damaged future candidates.  What an amazingly asshole move there.

Why is TMZ being a bitch and not releasing the Carrie Prejean masturbation video? -DeathReception

Now that’s it been proven that she wasn’t 17 in the video like she originally claimed and tried to have her boyfriend lie for her, which he wouldn’t do for some reason, it will likely be released.  I mean, who wouldn’t go to jail on CHILD PORNOGRAPHY CHARGES for an exgirlfriend who dumped you because she decided she was going to have better prospects to date as Miss California.  If TMZ doesn’t release it, they will sell it someone who will.   It does them no good clogging up their archives.

Full house would be a much beter show if it werent for the leftist subtext; it was all about 3 polyamoros gay men raising kids  it was really a disgusting topic that that’s why i couldn’t watch it for more than a few minutes at a time -Panthertopdog

Let’s not forget Kimmy Gibblers horrible penchant for Communism.

You getting the Levi Johnston Playgirl? -XSessRage

Nah, I already read the article and I’m all set on seeing his junk.  I particularly enjoyed how in that interview, Levi seems to insinuate that knocking up a high school girl is experience that gets his foot in the door of the entertainment industry. And then they tell him that the majority of PlayGirl readers are gay men and he’s all “Yeah whatever, they say that, but theres a lot of cougars too.” And tries to play it off like its okay that men are sticking up his pages.

Can everyone shut up about Michael Jordan?  He’s the most overrated player in any sport, all time.  He was only good because his level of competition was so poor.  -CrestFightStrips

I’m open minded, but your argument doesn’t start off well when your position is that he’s overrated because he was too dominant.   Seriously. It’s a different game now, I’ll give you that. But, you couldn’t consider Tiger Woods overrated and he’s been just as dominant.  To a certain extent, Jordans experience changed the game of basketball to the way it is now. He showed how one person can take over a league, so now teams and the league build stars.  I’d like to hear more on this, because apparently, he was a real asshole. But, I never met him or anything.

I wasn’t given a middle name at birth, so Im going to legally add one on my 18th birthday.  Thoughts? -Navybound88

How else would you be a viable serial killer without one?  I’m gonna go ahead an offer “Vesuvius”.  Seriously.  Consider it.

Merril Hoge agrees with Belicheck’s 4th down decision, I think he’s had too many head injuries.  – somerandomguy

I had the opposite reaction everyone else seems to be having.  At first, I thought it was a mistake, but after it failed I started to come around to Belichicks thinking.  First off, he gets to make that decision because he has supreme job security.    Other coaches don’t have that luxury because they are on the hot seat and their teams suck. They punt that ball because it gives their team the team the best chance of not losing.  With the game on the line, he would rather Tom Brady have the ball in his hands to get 2 yards than Peyton Manning to get 50.  I think that’s reasonable.  Theres a big difference between playing to win and playing to not lose.

Roseanne was an awesome show. I watched it all the time.  Sure, the last season sucked, but I think that the last episode made up for that. -DaveKevin45

It was a culturally impactful show in the 80s. Before RoseAnn, being white trash was something to be embarrassed about.  It allowed a generation of worthless degenerates to actually STRIVE to become white trash, instead of allowing everyone else to consider them who they actually are, homeless people who happen to have homes at the moment.  Thanks RoseAnne.

The What’s What, Volume 76

My mom watches Dr. Oz to get healthier.  She has irritable bowel syndrome, and on one of the shows he says what foods can cause problems. Which is basically carbonated drinks and fried foods. That’s pretty much all my mom eats/drinks. Now she refuses to stop eating/drinking those things.  Basically, my mom wants to get healthier but doesn’t want to take the proper steps to get there.  -jeenyus1

Apparently, because of him there has been a serious influx of women mistaking indegestion for a heart attack because he claimed that 200 women died last year from misdiagnosing themselves.   Unfortunately, now my ER doctor buddy has like 2 women a day coming in thinking they are having a heart attack after a pizza lunch or something.  What an asshole. The only thing he’s offering is fear.

How would YOU describe the taste of Bubble Gum to someone who has never tasted it before? -CalvinClimb

Sweet, like a combination of fruits you’ve never tasted.

When you think about it, there’s not a huge difference between a PS3 and a 360 controller. -floridan18

The XBox controller just feels like a toaster oven in my hands. It’s bulky, heavy and requires batteries.   There’s a huge difference for my needs, personally. Doesn’t make it better, just makes it my preference.

Are there any commercials on TV you can’t stand?  I hate that Trident Layers commercial.  No one accepts gum as form of compensation.  No one.   -ceilingcatyay

Thanks to my DVR, I don’t have the problem of watching commercials very much.  But some might sneak in during live sporting events.  The new Snuggie one with the synthesizer theme song and they’re raising the roof throughout the commercial is pretty ridiculous.  “Raising the roof” hasn’t been appropriate since 1998. And they’ve got it all over this commercial like it’s the new dance craze.

Know what pisses me off? Telemarketers that call you and put you on HOLD.  Seriously? You’re going to call me with some annoying sales pitch, and you want me to hold the line while you find someone to give it to me? -andyiceberg

Are you kidding? This is where you hang up. Never has there been a greater invitation to disconnect the line, return the phone to its dock and go about your day. Either that, or get a cell phone.

So it’s been nearly a decade and I still have not seen a valid explanation for World Trade Center 7 collapsing days after the attacks. -Argentiny

And you will continue to not get a valid explanation because you have already invalidated the truth.

Mad Men is just a soap opera for elitist douchebags.  -mnstip

It’s really about romanticizing the era. Theres a lot of nostalgia to be had on that show for us older folks. Not only all the accounts that the agency collects (whom all but a handful are companies bankrupted long ago, like Martinsons coffee, the Dumont network, and stuff like that) but in the way people treated each other, how men treated women. Also, how you could slap some strangers kid in public and it was okay because the kid was being a douchebag, or how you went on a picnic and left your trash piled up and drove away. It’s a window to a different time in the world that some people view as a better time.

Do fat bitches make you rage? -tombstonedave

Only when they are upset at people for finding them unattractive and they get all high and mighty about how everyone is beautiful on the inside or some garbage.  Hey fat people, you are not entitled to other peoples infatuation because Oprah or any equally powerful fat/ugly person says you are pretty when they’ve never met you.  Additionally, some people think Melissa Joan Hart is unattractive, and she’s not fat, so it might just be the way you look, not just your fatness.  Thanks.

Do you hold your penis while urinating? -Crow754

At a urinal or outside, no. Otherwise, yeah.

The What’s What, Volume 75

HOLY CRAP Drago just knocked out Apollo. He’s not looking good after that. -ThereIsNoGodZilla

I agree with the widow Creed and blame Rocky, he should have thrown in the towel.  No matter how proud Apollo was.

Would you take $10,000 to Teabag a hibernating bear? -TinHearted

I’m pretty sure he’d fucking tear you to pieces before you unbuttoned your pants.  So, no thanks.

Watching Bored To Death? -NineInchMark

Yeah, last Sundays was particularly funny, with the Craigslist girl. But the show is okay. More interesting than it is funny.  I don’t like that he never loses a case. It would make the show more appealing if you weren’t sure it was gonna work out in the end. I suppose they could be setting up for something.

FACT: Les Stroud > Bear Grylls -wool21

Les takes himself too seriously and is over-dramatic. We don’t need to see him bored in the wilderness to prove that he’s there.  They should merge the shows and drop one in one spot one week, and the other in the same spot the next week and see who has the best ideas and easiest time. Now, we’re talking.

“Taking Ecstasy is Safer Than Riding A Horse” -British Drug Czar David Nutt.  Reply? -BBSS8833

What a coincidence, Ecstasy is less exciting than riding a horse, also.

Rachel Scotts Dad came to talk to us at school today.  Shes the girl killed in the Columbine attacks that had all these premonitions of the attack and her death and stuff.   Very moving and eerie.  Have you heard of this? -everpack17

Have you heard the theory that she was in on the attack?  Apparently, there’s concern that she wanted to die, but didn’t want to commit suicide.  I’ve even read that the three of them had sex because no one wants to die a virgin, and then she did a bunch of things to look like she knew it was going to happen, because she did.  She even “somehow” saved her brother, who had a gun to his head at one point from several accounts.  I don’t subscribe to anyones version of the situation, because I wasn’t there and I really don’t care.  But when given the basic choices of “Knowing Co-conspirator” or “Teenager with mystical powers”, I’m going to invariably go with the one that’s more likely.

You’re from Boston.  Ever been to Salem on Halloween?  I just went, shit gets crazy there, It’s like being in the North Pole for Christmas, it just feels right. -EricaLamb

I prefer not to support the site of one of the most retarded government-sanctioned murder sprees in the countries history.   But thanks for asking, though.

I am part Japanese, and I don’t consider the word “jap” to be offensive.  -DaGr1lla

I don’t see how anyone could.  It’s like “Jew” or “Brit”.  But some Japanese people do get offended. So, I’ll still avoid the word to not chance bringing someone negativity because I’m not so lazy that I need to shorten a three syllable word.

PS3 fans are loving that party chat was removed from the XBox, but they never had it at all!  How does it feel, fanboy? -5Mt1.

Great, knowing that all my online games have been legitimate, and not open to rampant cheating exposed on the XBox. It’s like someone who has beaten cancer asking someone else “Hows it feel not having Cancer?”  It’s great, and you look retarded for asking such a retarded question.

Would you have to be really bored or have nothing better to do in order to take revenge on someone?  Let’s say someone you love gets killed. You have a 4.0 GPA and have a lot on your plate, maybe even an athletic scholarship. Could you be bothered to seek revenge? Would your decision depend on your itinerary? If I were bored enough I’d enact tons of revenge. -DudeListen

Revenge is not motivated by boredom or an abundance of free time. Revenge is motivated by injustice, and usually comes at the expense of future plans, not in spite of them.  If you aren’t emotional enough to concoct revenge, then you’re just wasting your effort thinking about how awesome it would be if you did.  That’s called a “grudge”.   Revenge isn’t rational. You either sacrifice things to obtain it, or you don’t care enough to do so. That’s it, the only two options.

The What’s What, Volume 74

why does the fbi get involved when people make joke threats concerning the president? doesn’t that violate the first amendment? you can have things like the anarchist’s cookbook but as soon as you make a joke about terrorism the fbi/government gets involved. -skatewaker

Because they want to discourage people joking about it. It makes the real threats easier to spot if everyone is afraid of joking about it.  Which is why anything that makes the news gets investigated, they want everyone to make sure they are on top of it.

I was just playing the most addictive game ever,Tetris. Have you heard of it? -blameradio

My Dad was literally addicted to this game from ‘86-’88. We’d have a line of ten year olds ready for a Tecmo Bowl or Double Dribble tournament, and my dad would be sitting there all cracked out “One more game, just one more game,” he’d say.  I mean it was fun and everything, but this dude was playing some puzzles.

Why the hell does it take so long for shippers to process orders nowadays?  Used to,I could get my Amazon order of books in 2-3 days and Walmart orders in the same frame of days but now it takes almost a week to process and to get here to my house. Goddamit,I want my DX book so bad. And my A Bridge Too Far DVD from Walmart. IS IT BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY?! -TexBox99

After the Back-to-School sales end, all companies get busier for the holiday season. It’s not just people ordering Christmas gifts, its people ordering supplies so that they can make their Christmas gifts to be available in time for the holidays.

So, just STFU already. Back in the day, when you ordered something, it ALWAYS took 4-6 weeks for delivery. So, settle down or get off your lazy ass and go down to the store and get it yourself. Internet purchases are not meant for people who need things immediately.

I’m so damn tired of the health care bill debate..we need to move on to another issue- VinceMcMahonisGod

Personally, I like my issues resolved before moving on to another one. Unless you are an insurance lobbyist, it’s in everyones best interest to complete this issue.  I’m sure we’re all very sorry that you are bored, though. Hopefully the next issue that comes up affects you more. Like gays in the military, or federal subsidies for the next Royal Rumble.

I’m afraid that one day they’ll televise the Special Olympics.  And someone will walk in on me laughing my ass off at the hurdles race. -Mootsghost

I feel like they tried this in the 80s in conjunction with the hooplah surrounding the LA Games.  It got very low ratings. Apparently, people don’t care to watch substandard competition.   And if they do, they can watch the same level of competition at any local rec center on any given Saturday afternoon.  Not saying they aren’t inspirational or anything.  But legitimate competition has historically gotten better ratings than inspiration.

Congress Approves Law Extending Hate Crime Protections to Gays, thoughts?  -Nickelwise

Hate crime legislation fogs issues and makes martyrs of the attackers.  Plus, I personally would feel like a hypocrite asking for special protection when I was fighting for equal rights.   Everyone should be treated equally, end of story.

Bong Water Can Be Illegal Drug, Minnesota Court Rules.  Uh-Oh Twins fans. -Lohanbrau

My basement carpet is a class A felony in Minnesota, I wager.

Wow Kevin and Jennifer really fell apart this week, they ruined restaurant wars. -KennyPowersJetSki

Yeah is was the biggest beatdown in Restaurant Wars history.  The Volt Brothers are gonna run away with this thing.  The QuickFire Challenge with the blind folds and everyone had ten minutes to pick up where the first person left off, was really cool though.   I thought that was creative and ultimately kick-ass, and would love to see it again.

Bill Simmons is the best sports writer out there.  His use of comedy in his artciles are a nice change to the formatic way everyone else writes.   Its in my blood to not like him because he’s a huge celtcs homer and hates the lakers.   Check him out. -JuggledNuts

I’m familiar and very much enjoy his work.  But he’s on the verge of being over-exposed, and a tad self serving for me.  I mean, columns about his retiring Dad and dead dog? Is ESPN his fucking dream journal now?  His podcast is fun, the only thing holding him back is having the voice of a ten year old with strep throat.  I very much enjoyed him on PTI, though.  He dos a great job of portraying genuine passion in what he’s saying, without the phony energy and excitement like some other sports commentators do.

How is Borderlands? You didn’t seem to play it that much. -Glocktypus

It’s a complete failure that we can’t play BorderLands 4-player local.  Some of us have friends within fucking driving distance.   TV’s are big enough to support quad screens way more than the 27″ GoldenEye days anyways.  And how is it that I can play four players online, but not at home?  Complete bullshit.  But yeah, it was fun for a bit.  My PS3 had it’s second YLOD in 3 months with a rented game stuck in the bastard, so Sony is on my shit list.  Customer service replied to my insightful letter with a form email that didn’t help at all.    Service and equipment reliability were two main reasons I felt comfortable investing with Sony to begin with.  I can’t believe I have to actually reconsider Microsoft as being better in those categories.

Your writing sucks.  Your opinions suck.  Why do people care what you have to say? -SabbyGee

I don’t know.  Maybe they don’t.  Maybe they just like seeing their question printed in a blog.  I’m not your thing, that’s cool.  I suggest not reading the column, anymore, though.  If you don’t like Vegemite, don’t eat it.  Problem solved.

The What’s What, Volume 73

Dude, Chad Ochocinco not only reads your blog but he’s been stealing your pick-up tips.  He claimed to invent the “borrow a girls cell phone and call your own number” routine that you had published months before Hard Knocks was taped. -Maleman

I’m sure other people get good ideas, too. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.  I posted my successful pick-up techniques so others could reap the benefits now that I am married.  I won’t take an issue with the situation until he tweets that he invented “wingman goes first” or tells the story about how he kicked a little kid in the face for peeping on his lady in a dressing room.

Rush Limbaugh dropped by group trying to buy American Football team, thoughts? -Czechlist

I thought that his defense that he was an entertainer and just saying divisive things simply to fill a void in the market and garner ratings wasn’t much of an excuse.  I certainly would respect him more if he believed in the things he’s talking about.  Like saying hateful divisive things is okay, if you are doing it for the money.  What kind of reasoning is that?

Poor Meghan McCain, I just saw her “controversial” pic. People are SOO lame. People are calling her a slut and stuff on her twitter because of this picture of her in a tank top. -loverslayer

I’ll be sure to feel sorry for an attention whore who’s just now finding out that all attention is not pleasant.  Shes getting what shes asking for, and making herself feel better by blaming others.  Up hers.

What movie monster/villain would you have sex with? -Triggah2K8

Mystique, hands down.   She could be any woman you wanted for the evening, including any other villan you could come up with.

so do gay people get off by looking at their gay parts? -nivekkevin

Only the narcissistic ones.

I hate when someone is playing video games on TV or in movies.  Can you possibly overact more? Who plays video games like that?  Jesus.  -Otaku21

And then they stop playing to have a conversation and the game is still being played by an invisible entity.  That’s what kills me.

Who ya got on Top Chef Las Vegas? -phkb33

I still can’t believe they dumped Ash for cat food maker.  I mean, obviously they kept Robin in because she breeds drama and she’s the only one giving it to them.  So, she’ll stick around until the shows credibility is completely used up, which already might have happened in everyones eyes but the producers.

I take issue with Tom Colicchio giving Ash flak for complimenting the older twin, saying it was an honour to wash Picasso’s paint brushes.   At least he’s honest. All the Italian Mike guy does is pump himself up and shit on everyone else, and he’s not better a better cook than Ash.

No one knew who the competition was until they got there. Is everyone who realizes someone is better than them supposed to drop out of the competition on the first day?  Its Tom Colicchios biggest mistake in 6 years, if you ask me.

But to answer the question,  Jennifer, Kevin and the twins, with Kevin and the older brother in the finale.  Kevin wins it all.  He’s awesome.

Hey Heene Family, awesome parenting. Be sure to leave a mysterious flying machine within arms length of your kids. -CanadiAnne

Questionable parenting, but legitimate engineering.

If you like Vice City more than San Andreas, it’s only because you are racist. -SkullandCrown

VC had better story and voice acting. But, that small advantage completely pales in comparison to the epic awesomeness that SA offered.  If you prefer gameplay to storylines and voice acting, and claim VC is a better game, then you are likely a racist.

How much is the Roman Catholic Church including the Vatican worth? -infodeleted

In what currency? US Dollars? Italian Lira? 11 year-old penises? Blood of the non-believers?

whats your favorite film made before 1970?  Mine is the Manchurian Candidate. -hezzbowler

Easy Rider,  North by Northwest, Reefer Madness, The Sting? Was that pre 70? Or is the Black and White throwing me off?

The What’s What, Volume 72

Do the Republicans have a chance of winning back the House or Senate in 2010? -mjh0909

Yes, I believe they well. People are pretty upset that a Democratic House, Senate and Executive can’t get anything done.  I feel like black voters won’t be as motivated this time around.  Additionally, you can’t ever count out the Republicans amazing gift for organizing the unhappy members of their party, who have only grown angrier in the past two years.

Our tax dollas pay soldiers’ salaries, who spend it on hookers.  Discuss.  -maleman818

Who cares? They earn it, they can spend it on whatever they want. Does the guy who signs your checks get to be pissed when you spend your money on video games and fleshlights?

Charlie Sheen (The Actor) has the absolute coolest piece of sports memorabilia in the world; The original contract that traded Babe Ruth from Boston to New York. -RezErection

I’m glad you clarified because Charlie Sheen (The Accountant) has Dale Earnhardt, Sr.’s  steering wheel from the crash that killed him.

Just saw a Pizza Hut commercial that said, “Now order with your iPhone”.  Seriously? I can order pizza with my phone now? It’s fuckin’ amazing what they can do with technology these days. You have no idea how often I’ve logged on to my computer to order a pizza and thought to myself, “Man, if there was only some way I could order by phone.”  Seriously, how is it easier to fumble through a series of menus on a 5 inch screen then to dial a number and say “pepperoni. large. thanks.”?  -Superdickery

Because the special ed kid behind the counter just wrote down “peppers only. large.”

So how much leftover turkey do you have? -Manitoby55

I am not Canadian, though sometimes I wish I was.  I realized that Canadians had Thanksgiving Monday, but I just assumed it was a different holiday, with your own traditions.

After a little research, I can’t believe you just blatantly ripped it off and made it some random religious holiday . It’s not just a harvest festival for Americans. We give thanks that the Indians were here to feed us and keep us alive through the Winter so we could topple their inferior technology the following  Spring.

None of you Canadians stabbed your friends in the collective backs.  So just shut the fuck up about Thanksgiving, already.  Keep it up and I’ll start celebrating Civic Holiday and Boxing Day out of spite.

Am I the only one who hates the PC commercials with the little asian girl?  God Damn, shes annoying. -Spittroon

You might be.  The kitten in marshmallow pile had me rolling.  She’s cute, it’s not annoying.  Unless they start playing them over and over again.  I have a suspicion that she didn’t really make those presentations, though.

My Conservation of the Environment professor hates Giant Pandas.  He’s angry that we spend $200,000,000 a year trying to save a species that does pretty much nothing to help the environment. He’s mad that they’re pretty much the face for endangered species, when there’s much more threatened species around the world that need help.

He thinks we should just let them die off.  What do you think? -Betterifyoudo

I think they are obviously personified by the general public.   Only the cute and fuzzy animals get cared about, and he’s just trying to seem superior by treating them all the same, instead of accepting an overwhelming reality.  He should be excited that people actually give a shit at all, because most don’t.

Hear about the six-year-old that was threatened with a 45-day suspension for bringing a fucking folding utensil (fork, spoon, and knife) to school?  I can see where it would “threaten” others (boo fucking hoo) but he’s six and it’s a fucking kitchen utensil.  Last year, the same school system expelled a fifth-grader who brought a birthday cake to school with a serrated knife.  Good grief.  -GotU120

No tolerance means no tolerance. It sucks, but that’s the whole point.  Everything should be done on a case by case basis. Variables need to be addressed.  “No tolerance” anything is stupid. It validates extremism without even addressing or hearing the issue.

I hear there is a new Road Rash game in the works.  -TheVacationer

That game, Sonic and NHL were the only reasons I owned a Genesis.

Laugh tracks – How did anyone think it made the show better? It’s just distracting once you start listening to it.  Is it supposed to encourage me to laugh?  What the fuck? -Toadthe HotPocket

A laugh track is used so that the actors can leave time after jokes in for people laughing at home without missing the next lines.   But yeah, it’s creepy, and embarrassing at all times. If you pay attention to it for any small amount of time, it pretty much ruins the show, and can’t be avoided.

Have you ever smoked a darker strain of high quality bud that smelled lemony? I just bought some supposed headies, but they’re not very crystally and don’t have basically any odor of “weed” as I know it. Instead they just have a very tasty lemon tart smell when you put your nose right next to the nugget. Sound familiar or did I get ripped off? -LamentableVictim

Sounds like you got ripped off.  You were sold you garbage weed that was smuggled into the country in a crate of urinal mints, or lemon candles or something. There’s only ahandful of really good dark brown strings and none of them are lemon related, from my own experience anyway.  I’m not a guru or anything.

The What’s What, Volume 71

You have to have something to say about Crabtree or Braylon Edwards and Lebron, right?  -Harts1780

Did Lebron really run Braylon out of town?  Is he the fucking Godfather of Cleveland?  -ChaChaWoodruffisretarded

I noticed two things about the situation, right away.  Braylon Edwards, Lebrons mortal enemy, apparently, was traded to the town that had the best chance of signing Lebron this summer.  It’s almost as if Cleveland saw an oppurtunity to prove they would do anything for him, and additionally add a mark to the “cons” list of New York when Lebron has to make his decision.

Additionally, I found it strange that the NY Jets traded for a WR at the EXACT SAME HOUR that the WR they were accused of tampering with signed with the team that drafted him4 weeks after the season started.  If I find out that MC Hammer is a Jets fan, I’m calling a lawyer.

Are you scared of dying?  The idea of only having one life and then everything just stopping forever really terrifies me. -9kwolfshirts

It’s the only thing I’m sure I don’t want to do without any previous experience.  But just because I don’t want to do it, doesn’t mean I am afraid. I have come to terms that it’s something we’ll all have to deal with.

Pizza:  NY style or Chicago deep dish? -Carlt0nJ0nes

When done right, Chicago.  But, it’s hit or miss.  Consistently, NY style rarely disappoints.

So I basically brushed my teeth with my own semen.  I always take my toothbrush out of the bathroom cause germs and stuff, and I had it over some thing here in my room. I fapped and threw the toilet paper with the semen and it landed right on my toothbrush.  Up mine. -PrimitiveKing

Wait a second. So, you got baby batter on your toothbrush, and then knowingly brushed your teeth with the seminated toothbrush?

I noticed you’ve been playing a lot of Fallout 3.  Get the DLC? -Glocktypus

Yeah, I rented the game and decided to keep it.  It’s great, and I am not a fan of first person shooters.  The exploring and ransacking of abandoned property is, by far, the greatest part of this game.  I did purchase the downloadable content, and it gave it a second life.

When i go to college should i live at home or in the campus dorms? -Squatto88

Live in the dorms for at least a year and then you’ll be able to make a more reasoned decision.   Just know, if you live at your aunts house there’s much less the chance for random hot girls in pyjamas to show up at midnight for a drink and some company.

What’s your opinion of Rodney Harrison getting owned, HARD? Does he deserve it or is Owens an asshole? -Disneygro

Well, Rodney makes his money as a commentator now. He was asked a question.   Is he really supposed to say “I can’t say anything bad about TO because I took steroids.”  From what I understand, there’s alot of bad things to say about both players.   Only one is getting paid to say them, though.

screw those cracker things… Catholics should use dried apple slices…  but Jesus said, “Take this dried apple slice. It is my body, which I shed for you.” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it. -UWSerdna

Not like “Take this chalky, processed, dry wafer thingee. It is my body, which I have given up for you.” is any better.

The What’s What, Volume 70

If I told Christians that I am God, Do you think they would give me money?  They seem to believe whatever can’t be proven false. -.Munnkee

If I came into contact with someone claiming to be God, I’d ask for a miracle as proof, and wager Christians would too.  It’s a lot easier and there’s more money in saying you speak FOR God, as opposed to being him.

Would you rather have a Gay son or A Slut daughter? -PalletJunkie

Gay son, hands down.  Having a slutty daughter would mean I failed as a father.  And only uneducated inbred shitcakers would look down on me for having a gay son, and I’m not in the habit of listening to their opinions, anyway.

Favorite constellation?  -DeathReception

Orion. Hands down.  Also, the seven sisters, Subaru.  Not really a constellation, but enjoy scoping it.

“Glee” is such a POS show.  I watched an episode of it, and it was absolutely terrible. I will not be returning to that show any time soon. -Awesomo3k

You mean a show cobbled together to ripoff the popularity of the “High School Musical” seems forced and cliched? Who would have thought?

The Overhead or Bicycle Kick Is The Most Spectacular Way To Score A Goal In Any Sport.  You have to be a Ninja and good at football to score a goal like that. I dont think any other sport has a move that can win the game as cool as the overhead kick. -HamTam

I would give that nod to either the alley-oop, or that kid from Michigan who lacrossed the puck onto his stick and into the goal from behind the net over the goalies shoulder.

Remember when the Bushbots called French Fries “Freedom Fries”?  LoL.  -DJJazzyJim

It’s astonishing to me how “Russian Dressing” made it through the Cold War.

What do you think when you hear stories like the one that happened last week in Kansas city, “HS team gives up shutout to allow player with Down Syndrome to score TD”? -PTYarnem

I think that if I was that kid, I would have rather had a 3 yard run that I earned than a TD I didn’t.   Kids with a chance of actually making that TD play but were never given the opportunity were passed up so Donnie could walk 12 yards.  Let him join a special league for kids like him or treat him like everyone else.

I turn 21 next week and I have no idea how bars work. What drinks should I get? How much money should I have pulled out? -FluffyBuster

If you are going to one bar. Show them your ID and ask for a free drink. A lot of places will buy you a drink on your 21st. Tip big early and drink those all night.  Otherwise, bar hop and get free drinks everywhere. The most economical strategy because you’ll likely get a lot of free drinks and you don’t have to tip big because you are leaving soon to go to another bar anyway.  Congrats, have fun, and stay healthy.

Bush was an idiot, I get that, but when he was reading to the kids on 9/11 why’d he get flack for finishing the story? What did all of you expect him to do? It seemed like the only intelligent thing to do considering how little information he got, was to finish what he was doing, not cause any alarm, and leave. -SydneyPortopotty

“Kids, thanks for having me here today. Your teacher is going to finish the story for you. While you are important to me, I’m being told there is an issue that I have to take care of right now. The President is a busy man, thank you for understanding. It was great meeting all of you.”

He deserves the flak he gets for this issue, in my opinion. The Presidents job is to handle crisis’, not read to school children. That 7 minutes he spent is 7 minutes people were waiting for every decision that needed to be made by him. When those decisions get pushed back, another 7 minutes worth of decision get pushed back another 7 minutes. He’s the decider, after all.

Corporations or Government? Who do you trust more?  -ChaChaWoodruffisretarded

When government screws the littles, it’s called “Corruption”.  When cooperations screw the littles, it’s called “Longterm fiscal solvency solution.”  Government by 10 lengths.