The What’s What, Volume 127

Isn’t BlackPeopleMeet.com racist?  I like black girls, couldn’t I join? -BeinChinesey

My wife thought it was blackpeoplemeat.com.  Now, whenever we see the commercial Im always like, “Look Honey! It’s “TastyBlackPeople.com” or “CannibalNubians.com”.  But I say you give it a shot, if you are down with the terracotta princesses.  Can’t hurt to try and get you some.  Can I recommend starting your own site?  RikeyBrackPeepo.com, perhaps?  Now, THAT’S racist.

Enjoy fishing?  Keeping it reel?  -InvitingDelight

I like to go and be with friends and hang out in the boat or dock or whatever. But I don’t own a reel. I prefer to be the opne the one one cleaning and cooking the fish at camp. I’ll cast one out and sit there and hook worms for the girls or whatever. But when there’s fishing going on, I’m usually psyched just being there.

Did you ever jack off to those Girls Gone Wild commercials? -yoopderpgurble

Nope.  And the reason I probably didnt to the actual videos is because I didnt own them.  I’ve seen a few in a room with a bunch of other guys, but friendship acceptable masturbation was never a line I crossed.  I did fall in love with one girl in particular, though. The one who called her mom to ask her if it was okay for her to take her top off on video.  Shes on the beach, has a southern accent, seemingly less drunk then she was letting on, and wearing a pink bikini until she lost half. Shes not super hot, her boobs arent more than handfuls, but the call to the mom was sooooooooo adorable.  I literally wanted a topless girl exclusively based on 30 seconds of her personality. 

My idiot friend seriously thinks he can get away with growing weed in a public park.  He says he’s found a few “discreet” places.  -wastedwarr1or

He wont get busted, but it wont be there. Seriously, some homeless dude looking for a place to dump, or kids trying to find somewhere to finagle each others differences for 10 minutes will find it, and either take it or destroy it.

Do you think scuba diving pirates are raiding the Costa Concordia?  How does that work?  Are there still tens of thousands of dollars still sitting in room safes right off the beach? -pokerCHiPS

I’ve wondered this also.  Are there really sub-nautical field claims adjusters for All-State?  But, I’m wagering you are right, and there is vandalism and looting, anyway.  How do they arrest someone underwater?  Also, what about the opportunistic murder possibilities?   Like some dude who woke up in his cabin to his knees in water, so he gleefully drowns his ungrateful bitch of a wife, locks the cabin door, takes a comfy life boat to shore and starts yelling “Maria?!?!? Maria?!?!?!” He tells the police he cant sleep so he goes for a walk, collects insurance and sues the cruise line. Brand new start on life. Freshly single from nagging wife, loaded with cash, get to keep your name, even probably bang that hot bitch in high school who scoffed at you. She heard your wife died in that horrible accident and you got rich.  I bet it has happened.

I find it really hard to masturbate to the thought of truly beautiful women.  In my mind I just can’t picture them doing the things required to get me off. -FastFl1ght

Once you bang a 9 or 10 and get her to do depraved things for your exclusive sexual benefit, then its not so much of an issue.  Just do that.

You can now piss one liquid of your choosing. What do you pick? (No gold or anything like that.)  I choose Dr Pepper.  -PeonLowalski

Tough question.  I’m going with champagne for the hilarious celebration benefits.  I’d paint my junk green, get a little cork hat and gold bedazzling.  I’d always have something to do to amuse myself over championship parades of my rival teams.  Although, I’m having a tough time talking myself out of the ability to bukake myself in Cherry Kool-Aid every two hours.  That seems like the most practical option, second only to water which is far too unimaginative to be chosen under the circumstances.  Does it still come out body temperature?  I guess warm cocoa would be the winner, in that case.   Cider seems like it would burn, and Im not South American so my coffee would be terrible.

The What’s What, Volume 126

Should I have just eaten that?  -ProudXBot

Youll be fine. If it smells fine, taste it. If it tastes good, eat it. Youd know something is wrong, and even then the worst case scenario is diarrhea. Its not like youll die from it. That all said, eat it, and enjoy it. Its fine.

what’s the point of the other planets in the solar system, or universe? when Earth is the only one with life. seems like God just wasted a lotta energy.  -C_HOX518

Those were test planets; Mars is the cold, gritty porridge, Venus is the hot, gassy porridge, and Earth is Goldilocks.

what’s your excuse for NOT working out regularly? y’all some tub of lard that would rather waste time playing video games that won’t do any good for you -ReinforcedDuplo

I dont have any health or esteem issues surrounding my body. So, its not an excuse as much as its not a concern of mine.  Its kind of on my radar, though.  35 is on the horizon for me and I told myself for 20 years now that I’d start cardio before I was 40. 

Any generally popular foods you dislike? I don’t like anything coconut. It’s the little fibers. I just don’t like them.I don’t like avocados although my entire family loves them (we’re Caribbean) Fuck coconuts and avocados.  -GrizleeTee

Mushrooms.  It’s the texture, mostly.  Also, most peoples homemade Italian food. Everyone seems to enjoy dry boiled pasta while tossing a couple cans together and call it sauce. I like my pasta fresh (can be store bought fresh, even frozen) and the sauce meaty, sweet, and spicy/garlicky or Im going to eat all your dinner rolls and say I had a big lunch.

When you say “That’s so gay.” Think about what you’re really saying.  -LJBinder

I have thought about it. I have decided that since I’m using the word in the instance you present, as “dumb” or “worthless”, its okay. When I call my new Plush AT-AT walker  “cool”, I dont mean its temperature is below the room temperature.  I believe that retards from all walks of life can understand that, whether they be white or black, man or woman, or gay or straight.   Additionally, I have weighed in the fact that homosexuals usurped the definition for the word “gay” from “carefree” and “happy” to mean “homosexual” in the 70s, and I refuse to let the hypocrisy be lost on me.

Describe your most recent sex experience with a movie title.  -CanadiAnne

The Usual Suspects

I don’t enjoy driving at all, everybody else on the road are always speeding and texting and driving like idiots. It’s stressful. -C0nscr1pt3d

I like driving, especially manual transmission.  I drive I-90 a lot, through the Berkshires at weird hours, and it’s usually quiet. I’m a big fan.  I try to avoid anything thats busy, though, I hear that. Driving in Boston usually ends up with me wanting to kill complete strangers.  I live close to my work to avoid having a commute and I try to be efficient with my errands in between, though.

The quote “Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars” is really dumb.  It’s basically saying, “try your best, and if you fail you’ll burn to death in a flaming ball of gas.” Very inspirational. -Cheltz11

Totally.  If the terms of “success” entirely consist of turning yourself into a crater on the lunar surface, then its a difficult start for motivation.

The What’s What, Volume 125

Why do people fuck with the lights off?  Sad people. -fullquietcasket

I can think of many reasons.  Heightens other senses. People (read: mostly women) can be sensitive about their bodies and the dark alleviates the situation. Myself? I can get off on just her smell and warmth. Half the time my eyes are closed, anyway.  I don’t care, so if she has a preference, it happens.  But it’s tough getting them to turn off the lights in the leather accessories department of JC Penneys.

Do you ever actually remember being an infant?  I am constantly reminding my family of OLD events, and other things. I specifically remember these old time things. All totally random, and seemingly uneventful to another person.  -Laistered

I have memories of events from when I was a toddler, but I don’t remember being an infant or anything.   I never get nostalgic about shapes and colours or think to myself “Wasnt it great when I sat around eating fruit cups and crapping myself?” and “Boy, that Elmo really was a complex, thought-provoking bastard. I remember when he said four, THEN FIVE, and it blew my mind.  Good times, man.”

If you were homeless where would you sleep?  I feel like I would sleep in a laundromat. -yoopderpgurble

If I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to? County Jail on some repeat non-violent racket. Pick a nice county, too. Painted concrete was my college dorms. 3 hots, a cot, a library, work release, internet time.  I’m not a huge fan of the beach.  Long term, anyway.

People don’t know about Fluff outside of New England.  Can you help to spread the joyous word?  -BeefMW

I know.  I was looking for a fluffernutter in Las Vegas and everyone thought I was asking for a sex act.  Although, eating peanut butter and fluff on toast does make my boy parts tingly. 

So I just found out some people don’t flush the crap before wiping…..what in the name of god is wrong with people?  You just sit there literally like 18 inches above a pile of your own shit?  That is freaking disgusting.  -CifarettoASD

Have you ever seen a video of the air flow of toilet during a flush? Youd think it gets sucked into the drain, but youd be wrong.  It pools up low and gets fired like a mini-mushroom cloud about a foot above the toilet.  If you sit there and flush, you’re actually hyper blasting a fine mist of your shit musk onto your penis, balls, cheeks and anus.   While we wave our hand through it and wash our hands, you sandblast your junk, wash your hands, adjust your pants, have a dorito and eat your own shit.  We win, sir.

The longer it goes on, the more it feels like Sandusky is going to get off for some reason. -Animadopt13

I just can’t believe the way this case has been handled.   It’s like “My Cousin Vinnie”.  All these vetted, successful, experienced legal analysts on TV are saying things like “I don’t see exactly what kind of defense they are trying to build here.” and “If I am in defense of a client, I prefer to let the prosecution have to prove these crucial pieces of information.” and “I am in the habit of not letting my client whos been accused of child rape on national television interviews saying hes attracted to young boys.”   OJ got off because he had great lawyering.  It doesn’t really feel that way to me this time around. 

What do you use to wash your face?  Men’s face wash and stuff like that? I don’t really ever get acne or stuff like that anymore, but my skin is a little bit oily sometimes.  Anything you’d recommend?-wastedwarr1or

Ever since I was a kid, my sisters filled the shower with Apricot scrub. Anything I have used since has either left me feeling dry, filmy or still dirty. Its really is the greatest stuff ever. Now that I shave my head, I scrub my entire bald bean with this crunchy stuff. Feels great, man.

Tony is an Atheist.  Dave is a Theist.  the ONLY reason Tony does NOT believe in God is because he thinks there is no proof that God exists.  The ONLY reason Dave believes in God is because there is no proof that God does NOT exist.  is there a difference in validity between these two views? what makes one better than the other? -Darth_Petulant

Why does Tony get to think there is no proof, while Dave gets proof? One is sure he has proof, and the other does not get the assurance of proof. I’m not trying to be a dick, and I’d probably get into this over e-mail with you, but why is there difference of assurances in a hypothetical situation trying to prove a point about their similarities?  Is that part of the terms of the question?  I might not be smart enough to handle this, but if you reply I’ll get down with you.

Congrats on four years.  Haven’t missed a month. -CanadiAnne

I only do this until it stops becoming interesting/fun or I stop getting questions.  So, thanks for reading, to you and anyone taking the time.

The What’s What, Volume 124

I recently got a new job and I’m going to have to work the graveyard shift for the first time in my life. I used to the typical 8am-4pm hours, but that’s going to change.  Any tips? How long did it take you to get used to it? -jjrrll661177

Sleep when your friends are at work/school so you can still hang out with everyone. It does suck to have to sleep during the day. And leaving your friends to go to work when things are really starting to get fun. But its never busy, and you can have a nice big breakfast in the morning after work and watch the sun rise followed by suckers (like me) starting their day in traffic.

Isn’t Black History Month an insult to blacks?  To me, it delivers this message:  “The achievements of blacks are too minuscule to notice without dedicating an entire month to them.” -amurrican

Thats how equality is gained in this country; selective, calculated, meaningless exclusivity.

I just watched that Afghanistan episode of “Louie”.  So good.  -anders115

It made me pity cheerleaders. They can offer nothing but to look nice. Nothing else. In any way.  At all.  EVER.  It’s all awkwardness and inappropriate comments and they have to grin it out.  The duckling was a great addition. Great symbolism throughout.

so like, what were the 1980′s like? -LBJ1230

Golden age for comedy films, transition period for music, the most embarrassing fashion of any culture of any time, period. What a fantastic disaster; Caddyshack AND rainbow legwarmers.  

When survival becomes absolutely effortless, what will be society’s purpose? Once we can create and distribute energy, food, shelter, clothes, etc etc etc absolutely effortlessly, most likely through technology, what will humans find purpose in? Especially if technology has replaced the vast majority of our jobs? -InfernalMachine

What we make of it. Hopefully, advances in quality of life for everyone equally. If divisive boundaries like religion and nationalism are still around, that’s pretty unlikely.  Not that I see humans getting to that point ever, anyway.  Spoiler alert, they don’t.

Are you afraid of death? Pain that might come along with it? Not knowing what happens afterward?-CanadiAnne

I’m not afraid of dying at all.  Death and I have an understanding.  I am afraid of losing my life. Im certainly very grateful for it and don’t ever want it to go away. 

I just fingered a girl for my first time.  And you know what? I made her squirt on my futon. I am damn proud of myself.  And when I said she should return the favor, she said she wanted to wait. And she said the wait would be worth it because she apparently gives the best blowjobs ever.  -got_oreos

A little knuckle nectar and a futon soaked in girl gravy is cool and all. But why should you have to wait to get your rocks off? Thats kind of selfish. Id be worried she was blowing off blowing you.You should have asked for at least some boobies to coat with dude nougat or something.

Your dumb.  This blog is dumb. -Joker00

English is dumb.  Shouldn’t “signature” be pronounced “sine-a-cherr”? You sign (sine) something. With your signature? Why is the g silent in one form of the word, yet hard in another?

How do you react when someone begins talking to you about religion? Do you blow them off, explain your beliefs, make fun of them etc.?  Different reactions if it is from someone you personally know and an acquatince/stranger?-ProudXBot

Even people who sit next to each other in the same church for 40 years have different beliefs. They can be just as boring or as exciting as anything else they may be passionate or passionless talking about.  I am interested in every single persons belief, until I find out that they are wicked boring or start preaching at me.  

The What’s What, Volume 123

Lol at people older than 13 who bring a glove to a baseball game. -C_HOX518

I dunno. I’ve seen a lot of balls dropped by people without them. I mean, the vast majority of balls are not caught. I wouldnt do it, just because I dont need something to carry around for 4 hours. But, I’m not going to besmirch someone coming prepared for anything, and not wanting to blow their one chance.  If I have a ticket to a game where there might be a million dollar home run ball, youd better believe I’ll bring a glove.

Did you hear about that lady giving head for chicken mcnuggets?  Best drive thru ever.  -Trezzk2

This just seems like an issue of semantics to me.  She shouldnt have been exchanging mouth party for dinner.  She should have simply asked for a meal, out of the kindness of the mans (or womans, why not) heart, to which shed be so grateful as to want to pleasure the gift-er out of her own volition and physical attraction?  If you are trying to convince some morning sex from your girlfriend and she says shes not in the mood because she hungry.  So, you grab her two mcmuffins while she’s playing Miles Davis on your bro-trumpet while you tell the red and yellow screened intercom box the order, should she go to jail?  It would be funnier if she wasn’t doing it for food.  Shes just hungry, people do what they have to. 

Brand rivalries are so fucking STUPID. Sony VS Microsoft iPhone VS Droid McDonalds VS Burger King Pepsi VS Coke  They all offer similar yet different products. Who gives a shit about which one is “better”? None of them are better than the other because they all have different strengths and weaknesses opposed to the other brand. -ChrisKamanMyMouth

But, thats exactly the point. Because they are similar products with different strengths and weaknesses, people prefer one over another due to these minor differences. Having a preference of one over another is fine, thinking yours is best for everyone else makes you look like an asshole that happens to be retarded.

How do you poop in a public restroom?  ie paper guard or hovering?  -TDKRIPHL

I can’t go barebowl.  I just can’t do it.  Cheeks-to-seat isn’t the problem, I’m no germophobe or anything.  It’s the design of public toilets.  The seating portions are horseshoes, not donuts.   I need that TP bridge to cover that little opening at the front of the seat.  If my balls or dick even think about brushing that cold porcelain portion inexplicably exposed so that hundreds of people can pee on it,  I completely rage out.  I carry my balls like a plastic bag full of groceries with no handles over that canyon.  What happened there?  Who was put in charge of this?  “The public toilet situation seems a little easy to wipe, isnt there some way to have a section of the seat hollowed out, so that no one will ever think about touching it?”  Get out of here with that noise.

I just discovered that another word for gooch is “grundle.”  For some reason I laughed so hard I cried.  -Shin.Goku

I’ve also heard it called a “taint”,  “nifkin” or a  “ballneck”.  When you work in commercial kitchens, you chafe terribly down there, constantly.  On hot days, cooks are always excusing themselves from the line to “corn starch my nifkin”.

Did you ever get sent home from school because of lice?  It was awesome. The scratching and itching was worth the free days off.  -RedBread11

Never. And I made sure to take note of the kids that were mysteriously missing from the second half of that day.

Last year there was a girl who talked to me on a few occasions. Each time this happened, I would make my best attempt to keep the conversation going for a reasonable duration of time. We never became friends though.  Anyway, I just saw her while I was on my way to class. She did a stop and chat, and she eventually asked if I wanted to get breakfast after my class was over (Who has breakfast at 11:00 AM anyway? That’s lunchtime.). I told her that I couldn’t because I had another class directly after that one. She then walked with me the remainder of the way to the class and gave me a hug before she left.  What is your opinion on this situation? What should I do next time I see her? I think she may be attracted to me, but I don’t know if I’m reading her cues properly. If she does find me attractive, then why? My social skills are almost nonexistent, so I’m probably not a very pleasant person to be around. I don’t see why she would take an interest in me unless it’s out of pity. Based on what I’ve said, is it more likely that she just pities me or legitimately finds me attractive for some reason?  -BeinChinesey

How the fuck should I know?  I don’t know either of you.  I can’t tell you what shes thinking as much as you can’t.  Stop trying to read her mind and concentrate more on getting the information you want without embarrassing yourself.  You should have teased her about eating breakfast at 11. “No, I wont go out with you for breakfast at 11am, but I’ll take you to lunch at 11am, like normal people.” Something like that. Spend lunch with her and she might be more open about her intentions. Dont be afraid to ask what her deal is. Dont fish for compliments “Why me?” junk. During a lull in conversation, mention how you arent quite sure whats shes up to. Ask her what her story is. “You super friendly with everyone, are you? Like meeting new people, do you?”. She might say No, and you know you’re special. She says yes and its “I bet that gets misinterpreted a lot, people getting the wrong impression…” Be tactful.   Most importantly, figure it out.  Youll regret not finding out.

As it turns out, the African email con-artist industry leaves a lot on the table.

I received an email from an acquaintance, telling me all about how they were robbed at gunpoint and needed some money for a hotel room and replacement passport.  It was obviously a scam and it got me to thinking how many people it hooked.  I wagered 1 returned the email honestly, if any did at all.  Then, I doubted that one person followed through with the bank account or wire transfer.  Of course, if they did, they totally deserve whatever they spend on the lesson.  A fool and his money are soon parted.  Whether it’s a Nigerian Prince, door to door driveway sealing, bad investments, or stories from your family.  Anyway, after realizing how ridiculous the scam attempt was, I started improving the racket in my brain.

Do a little research.  You have access to the marks history of sent e-mails.  Why not check out a little precedence and compose your e-mail to form.  Why is this elitist redneck who was fired from Target before going to work for her Dad in a laundromat telling me about her hard scrabble times in Spain on a “culture tour with a little business mixed in”?  Why is the girl who sends tweets with abbreviations, numbers for letters and raNDoM CaMElcAsE using words like “inadvertently” and “irrevocable” in a well crafted email?  Did her last Facebook status update of “GoIn 2 C MaH bOYeEs n CrUNk a BuNCh” really mean “I’m headed to Europe to expand my scope of understanding”?    A little understanding can expand the mark pool, is what I’m saying.

Time for a new game.  Everyone’s onto your ruse.  Flip a script.  Why not take advantage of seasonal religious guilt and cook up a phony donation email.  You know, “Hey everyone, My sister/work friend is trying to raise money for a poor family she knows with a son in Afghanistan and a daughter in a wheelchair. Click this link to help!”  The particularly awesome thing about this sham, is that it’s likely legal in whatever country is housing your servers, provided you pay the disingenuous warlord in charge of them his $40 in gold teeth and two women per month to keep the Serengeti rebelistas from mortaring your meal ticket.  People can donate their money to whatever they want.  As long as you call it a donation, it’s just a gift, an offering with no need of compensation.  Of course, if there is even law where you live to begin with.

Look, I’m just saying people expect a little more out of their grifters these days.  It’s been a continuing trend of the past millennium or so to raid your continent of anything remotely resembling a resource, INCLUDING PEOPLE.  Here’s your opportunity to gaffle back from the Evil Empire, lets give it some hustle here.  I’m talking to you. Liberians with a Tandy and a Juno account, clean that shit up.

The What’s What, Volume 122

Being unemployed is very stressful.  I currently have 7 job applications that are “live”, I’m reading a book relevant to my field, I have an interview Friday, and I’m looking for part time work every day. But I never feel productive “enough”, and any down time or break or late morning makes me feel like I’m worthless. -GrizleeTee

Needing money and searching for and holding a job are stressful.  Being unemployed is awesome.

What do donut shops/fast food places do with leftover food at the last shift of the day? Do employees get to eat it or take some home? Are you supposed to just throw it out regardless of whether you’re hungry and could use some food? Would you get fired if you sneak a quick burger instead of throwing it out? I heard it was a health code violation to donate. I don’t know why but I am very curious as to what they do with it. -GamingGerbil

Actually, it’s a very common practice for food pantries to get the days leftovers. Employees are usually fed earlier with a staff meal, especially for them. But if you are still hungry, a lot of places will cook you something to take home, so you can eat there or give to a family member. This is only plausible when the kitchen is closing down, not as likely at all if it’s just then end of your shift. Also, if you work at a chain, it all depends on the manager, and is less likely.  But day old donuts are given to employees or charities, if they ask  the right people, in my experience.

Would you make a good dictator of the world? -BeefMW

I believe so. I’m tolerant, globalist, and fair. I try hard to fight hypocrisy every day. Plus, I believe it would be beneficial to be an atheist in this situation.  I dont want the job, though. Sounds like a lot of work.   It’s not a great answer, I know.  I’d be more interested in the person who answers “No”, honestly.  That bastard has got stories to tell. 

Have you ever got a bitch that was way outta your league? -See1ngTh1ngs

I have been with girls that I did not think would be into the kind of person I am at all.  That really opened up a lot of doors.  Made me much more open to rejection.  I never put anyone in a “League”.  If they were interested in me, they were already in my league.  

Do you like V8 juice? I’m talking the real deal none of that new age fusion mess.   I ask because no one I know IRL besides my grandma drinks the stuff but I love it.  -ConcordCal

I like it occasionally. Like once a month, I’ll crave it. And I can’t eat anything with it.   I do like the Fusion, though. Those mofos taste like fruit juice. I chug 8 ounces every morning and every night.

SERIOUS VIRGIN QUESTION: How long can/should a guy hold it in when having a blow job?-LuvvableGohan

Unless you got a diamond in the rough 1%er, the blow job is only there to please you. I promise she wants it over quick, or else shed be sitting on your dick.  Enjoy her efforts, but dont waste them. If she shows even the slightest hint of discomfort, youd better finish up, or you’re chancing future offerings.

What are some cool unethical things to do? -ChrisKamanMyMouth

Cool: Trespassing on Federal or State property.  Cooler: Breaking out of prison.  Coolest: Breaking INTO prison.

Fact: People who don’t have social anxiety disorder have no clue what it’s like, even though they (falsely) think they can relate. -fullquietcasket

You could say this about anything and be accurate. Circumcision, race, gender, marriage, anal warts, a Snickers bar.  Settle down with the overdramatics.

Choose: A one night stand with the celeb of your choice or find your soulmate but you can’t have sex.   Say she has some sort of vaginal condition that makes sex extremely painful to her. Which option do you choose?  One night stand is on your bed and she leaves immediately in the morning disgusting by what took place. No chance of her staying.-Aqualead12

Great question. Assuming I am single, I think Id still go with the soulmate. Its the only available lasting relationship, plus being my soulmate, she’s in the 1%er of enjoying offering mouth party.  But, I dont believe in soul mates. So, I’ll take Reese Witherspoon and her greatest regret honors.

When you last made dinner, what was it? -CanadiAnne

BBQ boneless pork ribs, Mac n cheese, Baked beans with bacon and maple syrup, Corn on the cob, Toast and pickles

hey today show, “heaven is for real for kids” isn’t a news story.  kid had a near death experience and went to heaven! better put them on national television.  family: “we’re not trying to profit from this, we just made a kid’s book, a young adult novel, an adult novel, and a full length movie.”  plus, hey, did you guys know jesus is a big white guy who wears a giant golden crown? -ILoveLED1080

Jokes on you for thinking that Network morning shows are coming with any kind of journalism, what so ever.   Theres a reason 90% of their programming is dangerous kids toys, cooking segments and the national weather.   Read a paper, online.  If you want Paula Deens latest meatloaf recipe, sensationalized “news” raped of all context, and Matt Lauer skiing down sand, you knock yourself out. But, you’re complaining that the Prohibition documentary you’re watching on TV doesn’t have enough trivia and cash prizes. You are watching the wrong show for what you want, is the point.

The What’s What, Volume 121

SRSLY. Is the Queen REALLY majestic? i mean, why bother referring to her as “majesty”? Is she a magician? I doubt it. She’s no more majestic than a ham sandwich or a $6 whore. Come on, it’s utterly ridiculous. -TECMOfan

Royalty is outdated and slightly embarrassing for a culture to invest in, I’ll give you that.  The Last Royal is going to be a hero, for giving the fantastic buildings and resources back to the people.  It certainly seems ridiculous to have a fancifully decadent family of people around simply because their parents were also fancifully decadent people for no reason.  Having said that, comparing the Queen unfavorably to your lunch or mother certainly isnt called for, and it won’t do on my shred of the internet, sir.  It will not stand, indeed.

If you ask your gf’s parents for permission to marry her, you’re an asshole. Real Talk. It was used as a sexist way of basically passing ownership of the daughter onto the new husband. It’s an embarassing tradition that should be done away with. -Talk_Puncher

Now, it’s just a tradition of courtesy.  Which doesnt seem so bad.  When it happened for me, I had asked if my wifes father had done it.  He had, so I did.  If I have a daughter, I won’t care, though.  Its her decision, even if I hate him. 

Man robs bank for $1 so he could be arrested and sent to jail for free medical health care.  I knew this would happen sooner or later. It’s ironic how prisoners get free medical care, but citizens don’t. -LJBinder

Coincidentally, my third novel, the one never published, was about a guy who did this because he lost his job and lady and his life sucked. But because of the incompetence of the small town cops and general population around him he just kept successfully robbing banks. He eventually meets another woman and gets a nice job from her brother, but then a young deputy puts the pieces together and the guy gets jailed. His lady then studies law and files an appeal to get him out under some non-violent loophole. Its unsuccessful so she breaks him out and they live happily ever after.  It’s part non-fiction now, apparently.

If suddenly chickens were able to communicate to us in english, would we still eat them? -PeonLowalski

I bet they’d go great braised, and drizzled in a cranberry comprehension.  Mmmmmm, linguistilicious.

Lips are even smackier, slams are even dunkier. -RamboSpice

It’s the ping to the pong, ding to the dong.  McDonalds commercials are by far the largest exporter of mouth farting in advertising history.  If you haven’t seen the pre-Monopoly McD’s ad where some hipster goes spoken word on the awesomeness of McNuggets and their new sauces, you are missing out. On rage.

Judge people much? There is a huge point of regular people talking about politics. It helps shape the public discourse.  Ever hear of the court of popular opinion?  No, I don’t have any connections to politicians or news sources, so I won’t directly create any changes, but indirectly I am subtly shaping the public discourse of those around me, which as a whole will get back to politicians and journalists. -amurrican

This sounds like something people tell each other to convince themselves they aren’t wasting their time. Discussing politics brings negativity to something that has absolutely nothing of value to be gained. In my experiences, it leads only to people trying to talk louder than each other.   You aren’t changing anyones mind, or else you wouldnt be arguing.  So, the people that you are yelling at that DO know influential politicians or journalists (less than .01%) still aren’t influenced by you.  When you talk about sports and weather, very rarely will things get awkward and judgments of character are made based off of answers of opinion. 

Every man should try a single blade razor and a shaving brush.  You’ll never want to go back! NEVER! -C_HOX518

Recently I grew tired of looking like John Adams, so I shaved my hair and now run with the skin helmet.  The first time, I was surprised how easy it was to do using a Gillette Mach 3 without looking.  So, I might get there at some point.  A straight razor.  I’d love to give it a shot and become proficient with one.  A better shave, undeniable cachet, and the chance to defend my family against home invasion, wearing nothing but a towel and a half-grill of shaving lather.  COME GET SOME, TERRORISTS.  Not only did I just round-house your cheeks, but your last eyeful of the afternoon was of my terrycloth hoop skirt staging a balls and taint pageant, a fucking nut puppet show to relive during your 20-to-life stint.  But seriously, I’m gonna have a straight razor from a professional barber a few times, first.  That sounds nice, and I’d get what it’s supposed to feel like down.  I tell you, I’m considering your recommendation. 

This seems like as good as place as any to bring up a recent conversation with my wife.  Imagine my pride when she didn’t bat an eyelash as I said to her “I want you to prepare yourself for something I’m going to try with my face this winter.”  It actually took me a couple times to say the sentence fully, without having to stop for laughter.  But, I got through it and she took it like a champ.  I grow a beard in the winter, usually. But, now that I shaved my head, I have to consider where the beard is going to end at the top.  So, I introduced my plan to keep a half-inch of trim around the top of my ears and immediately trademarked “beard goggles”.  It’s coming.

The What’s What, Volume 120

Sorry about that last eyesore last month.  My computer broke and I had to use a formatting system I was not familiar with for WW 119.  New computer, back to normal.  Thanks for reading.

Back to collapsing, hey Red Sox fan?  The Yankees really rubbed shit in that open wound for you. -BroncksBombaz

First of all, I don’t get the strategy. Why let the hottest team in August (Rays) have a dramatic, emotional, playoff clinching win over you? Doesnt that worry you? You are feeding an awesomely hot team emotion the day before the postseason.  Why don’t you want the Red Sox in the playoffs?  They wouldnt have made it out of the first round.  I’m not sure you want to be playing the Rays again next week after they run through Texas.  Secondly, I wasn’t even all that upset.  It was more shock of the amazing baseball drama of what 10 runs over 2 games in a ten minute span can bring.    Seriously.  Im very grateful for the recent success of Boston that makes this moment of failure recognition nostalgic.  Just a riveting hour of baseball drama last night. On to cheering for underdogs, I still love baseball.  Let someone else have a parade.  Cool by me.

Which is more fun to cut? Vegetables vs Meat -Animadopt13

Cucumbers, zuchini and bell peppers are the funnest thing you can practice knife skills on.  Also, whenever Im butchering against the grain, I couldn’t help but get occasional visions of the animal still fuzzy and cute as I was cutting through something that would be pretty painful if it were still alive.   Their deliciousness rationalized away those thoughts pretty quick, though.  And the fact he wouldnt have a life at all if it wasnt for human consumption.

If you’re turned off by girls with tattoos or multiple piercings or ones that smoke, you need help.  They’re the hottest.  -BuoyWonder11

They aren’t necessarily a turn on either.  But I wouldn’t let any get in the way of caring about someone or being interested in someone.

So I’m dating a girl with Genital Herpes, What would be some good things to know or good reading material about the subject? -Crunx1056

She’s made haphazard decisions regarding access to her vagina in the past.  You will find it difficult to feel special in any way.  Don’t get genital herpes from her.

Dammit, I’m home alone, and there’s a big storm coming. -JustaStageName

The way you worded that makes you seem like youd be safe if Mommy was home to protect you, or something.

If Chipotle served Breakfast Burritos, would you buy them?-ChrisKamanMyMouth

Havent been lucky enough to have Chipotle yet.   But I love me some breakfast.  I would try one, for sure.

oh the joy of English weather-mastermonin

I was disappointed when I spent a week in London and it didnt rain once.  I never found DangerMouse, either. It was quite a disappointing trip.  It’s ironic that I essentially said: Nice weather + No rodents = Bad Vacation, but thats what happened.

What did you think of the Entourage finale? Felt like the show had run it’s course, but finales always make me sad. Heard a movie is def. in the works…but also heard unconfirmed rumors of a Ari Gold spinoff based on the finale scenes,  hear anything about that?-FoleyIsGod92

Terrible. The series started with movie politics and hollywood insider information, and ended up with three relationship angles like a dog-damned soap opera and everything wrapped up in a pretty bow just in time.  Eric and Sloans relationship is okay, apparently, because everyone lied to her face about E sleeping with her stepmother. Awesome closure, writers. I’m sure that relationship will last forever.

Is the title “Barista” really necessary?  You make coffee, motherfucker. STFU and go get me some.  They’re not any better than fast food workers. -InfernalMachine

Are any titles really necessary, though?  Maybe Doctor and Officer, that’s about it.

Do you believe that things happen for a reason? -CatPunchOneTwo

I believe that effects have causes, but in the religious/cosmic/supernatural sense I feel like you actually mean, no.

When you see a commersial and then buy the product, do you think that you’re responsible for your own decision or have you been so affected by the commersial that it’s not your fault that you bought the product?  As you probably understand, this was just an example, but this example can be used on MANY things.  Are we always responsible for our own actions or can we shift responsibility to media, marketing and other people who affects us daily? -ArkyLoLogist

Of course. People made the decision to buy the product based on the information presented in the commercial.  The commercial didnt choose anything. If it did, there would be no need for commercials.

Why do we care so much about seeing the console itself? As if the shape and size and color of the thing will somehow make it that much better or worse. -chaunni

I’ve never really cared about console design though. As long as the disc fits and isnt too loud, fine by me. Sure, lights and sleek design are nice and all, but I’d rather have a cardboard box that works over purrdyness.

Since when is it not okay to be a fan of players instead of teams???? Isn’t it the players that draw you to the teams, hell even the sport itself. ESPECIALLY when you live NOWHERE near any market of ANY team in ANY sport like I do… -BragginSlayer

Always, it’s always been uncool. Investing in a team should come with lows and highs, but you support them regardless.   Teams are about community, athletes are about themselves.  Very few people follow Darko Mlicic.  Millions follow the Warriors.  It’s for a sad person who knows nothing of loyalty, and everything about investing in a person who doesnt know you exist. 

What would happen if NBA players had to call their own fouls like in pick-up? In pick-up ball people get majorly looked down upon if they call too many of their own fouls and there tends to be a general agreement when a foul was actually made. Maybe you can have 1 ref on a monitor to settle disputes kind of as an arbitrator. Do you think NBA would be able to hold each other accountable for BS flops, or would they abuse the system?  INTERESTING TO PONDER NO? -anders115

Nope, not buying it.  When there’s hundreds of millions of dollars at stake, you better believe the situation would be a complete disaster.

The What’s What, Volume 119

Who would win in a fight to the death: Jack Bauer or Jason Bourne? Set up the fight anyway you choose: location, weapons, etc. Doesn’t matter, you know these two are going to end up finishing the fight in close quarters probably hand to hand anyway. Bourne, hands down.  Bauer is too emotional.  David Webb is a quiet tank.  Jack Bauer is lucky if he sees it coming. 2 weeks ago I told the cute co-worker chick that I’d give her a ride to the airport. I figured I’d get some bonus points for being a nice guy.This past week she friendzoned me. I think she realized why I offered, so she decided to compensate me by giving me a barely used air conditioner window unit for free… -amurrican “I’ve decided not to let you into my vagina, but thanks for playing. As a parting gift enjoy this brand new Whirlpool Air Conditioner! Be sure to think of me when you are cool on a hot summer day.” Why do most NFL fans seem to hate Rex Ryan and the Jets?  We haven’t won a Superbowl since 1969 and if Rex Ryan was the coach of your team, you would love the fact that he talks smack and shows so much confidence in his team. -nuttyitalian88  I dont like the Jets, but I like Rex Ryan. He occasionally tries too hard. Like dressing up as his brother or doing Belichick impressions. I understand it puts the sports writers on his good side, but its pretty unprofessional.  Takes away focus. Who wants cream? Nobody?  Okay, no cream. -PeonLowalski Eat the soap, rookie. Show him up. Take a bite, rook. C’mon….  Eat it, eat iFOR CHRISTS SAKE, GIVE ME THE DAMN SOAP Rate existing as a human being on planet Earth/10 -monkeyh00 10/10 if my options are existing as a human being anywhere else.  It’s a good start to a question, but there arent enough details.  I think you want me to rate my life experience, but then why not ask that?  If I am to die at 70, should I not rate my life at 5/10 since its not half over yet?  Gun to my head, 10/10 because I dont want to be ungrateful for what I have. What’s the most amount of $ you’ve ever given to a homeless person? -Bronzemonkey I once gave a homeless person a lobster tail with truffle mac n cheese. Spent $40 and ate three bites.  Cash, though? Maybe a buck or two. I was always giving homless people food, when I lived in the city. Theres this one guy whod open doors for people at the Store 24 in Kenmore square, and I’d always ask him if he wanted a drink or a snack when he opened the door for me.  Ever play a game and halfway into it, u realize you have no clue wuts happening in the story? -etsallgood189 Sure. Metal Gear Solid 4. I shut off pretty quickly on paying attention to that mayhem.  Honestly and unfortunately, I dont understand a lot of Japanese storylines. There seems to be a lot of reliance on “if supernatural all-powerful object were to fall into the wrong hands….”  I’m certainly not accusing them of not enough effort, good lord.  Those cutscenes went for HOURS.  Everyone who played the game knows I am not exaggerating.

Can you buy pepper spray in a store for self-defense?  Just wondering after hearing about my friend getting mugged on the weekend by three guys at once. -acekhemist42 That depends.  Did he have any warning that pepper spray would have helped, or are you just going to get your pepper spray taken from you during your first mugging? Plus, factor the cost of pepper spray against how much money you have in your wallet at any given time.  Don’t buy a $50 can of stuff to protect 3 singles, $1.42 on a DuDo gift card and a picture of your cat.