The What’s What, Volume 56

Convince me that God does not exist. -uninteresting_thoughts

No one can convince you. You can only accept it.

My friend smoked weed for the first time and threw up about 10 times very loudly in the bathroom.  I can see now why some people don’t like it. -TheMichiganKid

Which makes no sense since they give it to cancer patients to stimulate appetite and reduce nausea. I wager your friend was either ridiculously nervous and anxious which led to the Technicolor yawn, or he was drunk also.  Maybe he ate too many munchies?

Illegals? Love em or hate em? -Demi-Gurl

Love them. It’s not their fault Americans aren’t charging them taxes. They are exploiting a systems weaknesses, if we don’t choose to fix the system, I feel like we don’t get the right to complain.  Kind of like the bailouts. I don’t blame the banks for exploiting poor regulation. I blame the government for allowing it to happen in the first place.  The government thought banks would police themselves. I can’t even begin to explain how hilarious I find that situation.

what do or would your parents think of your blog?  let us already acknowledge that you don’t care what they think… -stella

I do care what they think.  The more likely turnout is that they wouldn’t care what I think.  The blog is public, and they aren’t reading it, from what I understand.  I wager my Dad would be upset that the first dozen sexual experiences in my life (either inappropriate or welcomed) were directly related to the church, its clergy, its parishioners, or church functions.  Either that, or he’d be upset at just how vocally agnostic I am.  My Mom, however, is lucky if she knows where the power button is.  This is the same woman who said to me once “Crack/Pot, Whats the difference?”  after finding a bong.  So, yeah, she seems to be an unlikely reader.

So it seems the newest fad is sliders…Burger King, Friday’s, Red Robin. They really are getting on that bus.  -LineThreeleven

I don’t like how everyone calls them sliders. I think White Castle should have copywright to that name.

You are stuck on a deserted island. With you are two people. One is an extremely ugly woman. She is morbidly obese and has terrible acne. The other is a transvestite. She looks like are really hot female, only, she has male genitalia. Chances are you wouldn’t have been able to guess that she used to be a man.  You are here forever, so no-one would ever know.  Who do you bang? -MaizenBloo

The actual woman.  Chances after after starving herself for a month or two, she’ll look pretty hot after she loses that weight. Nothing but hard work, sun, and burning calories on a deserted island. That’s if she doesnt eat me first.

I want to date this girl, but she smokes cigs. shes pretty cute, pretty smart, a democrat, an atheist, and listens to indie This year I hung out with her every morning before school Should I go for it? I’m not a fan of cigs. They taste like shit and smell bad too. -localnewsteam

You should tell her the only thing holding you back from ravaging her is that she smokes. How will she be able to live with herself knowing that she could have had you if only she quit smoking?  Getting her to change who she is is a big part of any healthy relationship. Just be sure that YOU get what YOU want.

how famous is Ricky Gervais in America? he’s huge in England and i was just wondering how high his rep is in the US -gamingdiety

Extras made me a fan.  I think any American interested in the comedy scene knows who he is.  As far as writers/creators of TV shows go, he’s pretty famous.

So how the hell was David Carradine supposed to jack off if his hands were tied? -SubwayJared

That’s what the underage hooker was for. You think he flew to Asia to masturbate? Really?

when someone is super-defensive about their drug use habits, that constitutes a drug problem.  You deny you have a problem. See where I am going with this? -Superdickery

Way to cling to antiquated consideration, Dr Drew.  If I accuse you of being a terrorist and you deny it, because you are not a terrorist, this somehow makes you a terrorist?  Denial is a social reaction, not a symptom.

Did you end up picking up Trash Panic? -ProfessionalCrastination

I bought it. It’s crazy ridiculously difficult.  The lack of a tutorial really doesn’t help the situation.  I’m pretty disappointed.

lol, tim donaghy getting beat up in jail -CMackVA

Wow, someone who turned on the mob gets assaulted in jail. This is the first time that’s ever happened.

The What’s What, Volume 55

Where do you buy your clothes? PhilbinAddict

Marshalls, TJ Maxx, GAP, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, LL Bean. Thats it. Always.

Gay high school kid named Prom Queen, thoughts? -FoleynJackin12

I don’t think it’s all that cool that he took away the pinnacle moment of some vapid teenage girls life for the lulz. I don’t really care though. At least he’s not reinforcing negative stereotypes or anything.

Do you like cold pizza? -Meyerheimer

Yes. But I find some pizza is actually better the day after out of an oven. Dominoes for one, is better heated up the day after than when they bring it to you, somehow.

I got confirmed today! -SandyKoufaxsprostate

Congrats, now you get to confirm that Father Larrys penis tastes delicious.

What do you think of girls that wear Converses with formal dresses? -OnCloud8

Hey look at me! I’m being individualistic by conforming to what everyone else is doing! Flip flops and high heels are the only appropriate choices.

Do you care if other people do drugs? -Tunapurrito

To an extent. Depends on the drug. Harder drugs like PCP, Meth, crack, and heroin have real social problems associated with them. My tax dollars pay to help get them off of the mistakes they have made. Which I don’t mind as long as the treatment works.

But mostly I have problems with people who have never tried drugs making broad accusations about the effects of them on the user and society. If anything, I have a problem with people NOT doing drugs and then forming an opinion on them based on some propaganda a cop who can’t handle a beat came to their school with.

WHY IS IT WHEN YOU’RE AT THE BEACH HOT WOMEN NEVER TAKE OFF THEIR BRA’S TO TAN BUT FAT WOMEN DO -METROIDRAGE

How else are they compete for attention with hot girls wearing bikinis? Plus, put a rubber band thats too small around your thigh. That stuff hurts.

Did you throw your cap in the air for HS graduation? -MinimusRex

Hell yes, I ripped the tassle off and frisbeed the fucking thing as hard as I could at my dean, sitting on stage. It came about three feet from slicing off his head. It hit an empty folding chair loudly and I laughed my ass off. I looked up, grabbed a cap nearest to my head size and returned it.

Are you people so simple-minded, uncultured, ignorant, and boring that your favorite foods are things like pizza, hamburgers, burritos, and macaroni and cheese? Like not even specific preparations, just those foods in GENERAL?
How can your favorite food be a burrito from Chipotle? Do you not realize how much awesome food there is out there?
YOU CAN DO BETTER CHILDREN -AsianChildKing

A lot of these foods are comfort foods, and are just labeled as favorites because of the nostalgia and warm and fuzzies they get when considering them.

Also, there’s nothing wrong with chain foods. Paid expert chefs are modifying ingredients to better showcase their food. A lot of science goes into making chain foods good tasting, which a Mom and Pop restaurant can’t compete with. Just because ingredients are fresher or more wholesome does not mean that the food is guaranteed to come out better.

The bladder does not help with water retention, once liquid is in it, it does not return up the ureter to the kidneys. Is it a scent marking adaptation? Is it used as an end point for urinary tract infection? What evolutionary pressure forced us to stop peeing anytime we needed to? -jdawg256

I’m going to assume this is a veiled argument of creationism, so I’ll say; Why do Muslims have bladders? If God created everyone in his image, why would Muslims have bladders? Unless you are saying that God is a Muslim, and that’s not gonna go over well at all at your next Bible study meeting.

How can you sneak prescription drugs on a plane if they’re not in your name? -PlayorDie

Buy a pill organizer, the kind with the days on it. Fill it up. Claim you need them to live. Go on your trip.

Did you get to see Will Ferrells “Survivorman” episode? -Nationalsfan18

I still cannot believe what they did with those two buried sticks.  That was mayhem right there. Ron Burgandy has brass balls.

Have you heard of this anti-rape implant for women?  “Rape-axe”? -HomelessDepot

Which is why I always test my rape victims with a finger first.  Gotta beware of that vagina sarlaac.  But seriously, it seems like a sad state of affairs when this needs to even be considered.

wtf mate!?? i’ve never been in an office where they make you buy your own coffee. this is an outrage! they should have told me this during the interview! -MormanNailer

Buy a coffee machine. It certainly would ingratiate yourself to the new co-workers.  Ask the boss beforehand if it’s okay you do so, maybe he’ll give you the company card.

Keeping count of how many girls you have had sex with is like counting of many drinks you have had. Only pussies count. Real men just keep going. -Blutowannabe

The only difference is when you go to drink a beer, its not mad if you’ve had a dozen more previously in your life.

The What’s What, Volume 54

Monster Energy Drink = sex in a 16 oz. can.  -.-Rick-.

Sex in a 16oz can sounds pretty uncomfortable. So I can only assume from your analogy that Monster Energy Drink is not a good thing.

Police are looking for two men who pulled a disabled man off his motorized wheelchair during a robbery, thoughts? -A.Preciation

Good. Disabled people want to be treated the same as everyone else. It’s only fair they should get robbed once in a while.

Public beheadings should be mandatory in the US. I bet people will think twice about breaking the law. No but seriously, ive been watching some of these types of videos on truthtube and it’s really disturbing. -NinjaFan

People would consider that a step back in terms of societal standards. But if the state is going to execute people with witnesses we should be televising that stuff also. Or at least letting the footage out afterwards.  I just feel like in terms of government and law, a majority of Americans could make as informed decisions as adults as they government can when presented with the same information.

Is picture graffiti still cool graffiti? I don’t mean throw ups, I’m talking if I went around town tagging an insignia of some sort. Like if I was batman, tagging his logo. Or are letters the only way to go and pictures would just be lame? -Largetacular

I always thought it would be cool to tag some bare spots with the same elaborate tree art or cloud mural or cool complex geometric patterns using the specific area. My friends that did this, just learned how to do their tag real quick cause they were pussies and didn’t want to get caught. If cell phones were common back in my day, I bet I could have gotten a couple good lookouts and tried it out.

How come you never see guys in a bukkake accidentally jizz on each other? -GClooneysBeard

Maybe you make it a habit of getting in line of fire of an exposed penis, but most men try to stay directly out of its way.

Slumdog Millionaire; Amazing movie imo and best I have seen all year. Frieda Pinto is gorgeous. -illimatik

Meh.  Didn’t live up to the hype, for me. Freida Pinto wasnt even the best actress playing that character. She might have even been the 3rd.  The movie was good and all, certainly not worth the hype efforted for it.

What would it take for you to believe in God? -SolarFlashlight

If God wanted my worship, he would give me what he required that I need to believe in Him.  Or, in other words, He has decided that I am not important enough to give me what I need to have faith in Him.

I’ve yet to get bored going for 100% on GTA IV. I still have to: Do the exotic cars, do the 30 car deliveries, the vigilante missions, a couple random characters, and then… THE FLYING RATS. I’m at like 86%, hope to be at 100% by Monday. -NintendoMaster

I too, am not bored. I have a couple most wanteds, the assassin missions, a few stunt jumps and the pigeons. I’m not looking forward to the pigeons at all. It’s likely where I call it quits. Im hoping being so close to my first platinum trophy is what will motivate me to find them.

When someone says they’re unpopular, what is your first assumption about them? -IZune54

I assume that it matters to them, and consider them a loser whether they are popular or not.

“I’d rather die like a man, than live like a coward”-Tupac -redwins2004

“I bet he ducked when the gun went off, though.” -Me

in the end we all believe in something, even those who claim to have no faith. -braith711

Belief and Faith are not the same thing. Like the difference between prayer and hope.

Barefoot vs. Naked Foot? -reggieshrugs

Barefoot. I had a girlfriend who used to say “Naked feet” and “Open/Close the light” instead of “On/Off”. I hated her for it. She was pretty retarded though, she couldn’t read an analog watch and constantly screwed up left and right. If you think she was hot, you are right. Which is why she didnt need to know any of this stuff.

The What’s What, Volume 53

I just saw that Eddie House video from the semifinals.  What a bitch he is, he got hoe slapped upside the head, and didn’t do nothing about it. What a pussy, but he is a Celtic, and they’re a team full of pussies. -Jijcore

Really? Eddie House is the bitch? Not Rafer Alston, who SLAPPED a dude in the BACK of the head? He SLAPPED him. In the BACK of the head, and Eddie House is the bitch? With an open hand, Alston hit House where he cant see it coming, and Eddie is the bitch?  You sure about this?

did they really have to show that guy’s cock so much in ‘forgetting sarah marshall?’ -jbillz

They should have traded off with some Mila Kunis or Kirsten Bell boobies.  And don’t give me “They did, the snapshot…” I mean REAL boobies.

If you were starting an MLB franchise right now, who would you take with the first pick? -hamashummus

Either Pujols, Longoria, or Hanley Ramirez.  Pitchers are too sporadic.

I’m skipping church this Wednesday to watch Lost -SoljahofGawd

This just means when you need a miracle, God will be watching 30 Rock.

Do you think it’s completely retarded that global warming/climate change is a political issue? I don’t think something as important as the future of Man and the Earth should be hinged on which side you lean towards the most. -IluvHaydenP

If the government shouldn’t be the one to fix it, then no one will. Corporations? Theres no profit margin. God? He’s the one who’s causing it. Your Mom? Shes busy causing my glacier to melt, if you know what I’m saying.

Ever had a drug deal go bad?  N3w_Y0rk3r

After a drug dealer sold my friend blunt shavings, he approaches the dealer who says to him, “You best not press, lest you gots a vest fo yo chest.”  We laughed in his face and left. He got our twenty dollars, but we bought one hell of an incident for it.

If you were grilling a pork tenderloin, What would you flavor it with? -ObesityLite

Dry rubs work really well on grilled pork. Creates a textured crust that seals in natural juices.  I would suggest either cajun, lemon pepper or cinnamon chipotle.

Pericings or Tattoos? -HighOnLifeandDrugs

Piercings are usually immediately distinguishable and when you notice them, it’s because some retard put them in a place to garner attention and shock value.   Tattoos can only be seen if you want them to. It’s like finding out a secret when someone shows you one.  Tattoos by 15 lengths.

I wonder what it’s like to be in a swimming pool during a big earthquake.  -Hammeroidrage

I went SCUBA diving in the caribbean and asked the instructor what happens if theres a tsunami.  He said “You wouldn’t feel a thing, we’d come up to the surface and wonder what the fuck happened to the beach and parking lot.”. Pretty cool.

how much of your life has changed since Barack Obama was elected President?-Mototype12

Other than the copious amounts of lulz from butthurt Republicans, very little.

How much did you spend on your sunglasses? -BishDin

$250 They’re prescription so I only get one pair, and I buy high quality so they last a while.

Who do you love more wife or your parents? -Czechlist

Well, they are different types of love. My love for my parents is based on respect and gratitude. My love for my wife is different because I chose her based on her inherent qualities, of which I fell in love with. You don’t get to really choose to love your parents. But if they werent my parents, I probably wouldn’t have had the chance to meet them.

Jim Rome is a bitch about Pot Use. Mind you this is a dude that grew up in So. Cal and went to college at UCSB. Can’t believe that guy is wound so tight. Maybe pot touched him in a bad place when he was a kid? -Large_Soprano

I wager his girlfriend started to smoke and dumped him for a dealer or something.

Do you think Christian Bale is a prick? -RRODDaily

Dunno, never met him. But from what I have assembled from people who do know him or overheard by reading the news, he’s a class A douchebag.

The What’s What, Volume 53

have you ever actually befriended a homeless person? -FrereMonster

There was a guy in Kenmore station in Boston that would announce the oncoming trains to the platform by singing “Peace Train” by Van Morrison with modified lyrics.  “C train sounding louder, everyone rides the C train!” *CLAPCLAP* I used to steal food from my girlfriends college cafeteria and give it to him, pretty much every night/morning for two years. He knew my name, Id consider us friends.

Do you remember your first skeet? -FHX44

I do. I was knuckle deep in a girl in the bathroom at Sunday school and she was giving me a handy.  I didn’t know what was gonna happen so I skeeted all over her flip flops and we both tasted our hands. She was delicious. It was hot as all get out. I then masturbated like 5 times thinking about it over the following 12 hours. I hope that wasn’t too graphic for you. It’s a pretty vivid memory of mine.

facebook or twitter? -Anard88

I use them both and they are two completely different things.  It’s like asking Apple Jacks or Bow Tie?  Granted, I only use twitter for breaking news alerts.  If theres a better use, I’m not seeing it.

I didn’t like The Wild Thornberrys. -bdog2610

It looked like third graders animated it. Stories might have been good, but the visual reference gave me a headache which prevented me from giving it a fair shake.

IMO, it’s more fun to be drunk than high. -Megasalmon

I’ve seen too many good relationships end over something that happened while drunk. I’ve never seen anything of the kind happen because of weed.  So, I gravitate towards the devil lettuce myself.

which race should be wiped off of the face of the Earth? -palzim11

The Daytona 500.

Which FIGHTING games have you really been into(if any)?? -LifeMeme

The only ones that I would even consider coming close are Tysons Punch Out and Pro Wrestling back in the 8 bit days.  I’ve just never really been into the fighting games. I played the balls off of Fight Night for a bit recently, but you might not even consider these fighting games.

Would you rather have one giant testicle or three regular-sized testicles? When I say giant, I mean giant. Like, the size of a tennis ball or something. I think I have to go with the one giant testicle. What about you? -JimmyRushmore

Both seem uncomfortable. Would having one large testicle produce giant sperm so that I’m ejaculating tadpoles? Or would three regular sized testicles give me a hose load like a poorly edited porn scene?  Instinctually, I’m going with three balls cause I feel like that would be tougher to spot.

Your best steak service recipe? YaySean

Prepare Marinade; 2 bottles of ale, 1 cup brown sugar, 2 large onions cut into large rings.
Lay steak into marinade, let rest overnight.
Get grill crazy hot, put steak on grill, turn heat to medium
Saute onions in butter on low heat until cooked, yet still a bit crispy.
Cook steaks to desired temp. (Med Rare for me personally)
Enjoy the shit out of them.

Have You Ever Hand-Scored Baseball Games? -Theeze-

I used to went I would go to Fenway in college. Statistics aren’t readily available during the games except whats available on the scoreboard. (Which are getting bigger and bigger.) And if I see a great game I have a cool souvenir.  I felt more involved too, kept me focused.

The What’s What, Volume 52

My girlfriend wants me to go to this party on Saturday. We were going to hang out that day anyways so I dont really have any other plans yet. But it’s her friend’s birthday party, and I guess they all know each other, or at least most of them do… I don’t know any of her friends, and some of them are probably goofy high school kids. And if it turns out to be lame I’m pretty much stuck there lol. -BlackJacob

You should go. They might turn out to be good people. If they’re not, at least you’ll have “I don’t really get along with those people.” for the next time. But, you should at least seem interested in meeting her friends.

I just smoked a resin/kief bowl, it did the job – Halfshelled

That, sir, is called a “truffle”. Sticky resin rolled in kief. Makes a great bong one-hitter. Whats also great is that resin makes more resin, somehow.

ever gotten a BJ with a condom??? -tanneddan

No, and I think I’d rather masturbate at that point, save my lady the discomfort. Put a balloon on your finger and try to feel your tongue. It’s pretty worthless.

So, my roommate Jay is planning a trip to vegas after the end of the semester (Which I’m all for. VEGAS!) We already have a whole plethora of ideas of what to do but the other day he threw out the idea that we should go to the Bunny Ranch on our last day in Vegas and I’m not sold on the idea. -MastersinThugganomics

Just go have some drinks and get a lap dance. Your friend just wants you to go so he doesn’t feel like a loser. Gamble the money you saved.

I don’t understand how people donate to animal shelters without donating to help starving kids in Africa, or the poor. I mean seriously. You’d rather see a puppy survive than another person? -MorianMiner

Dogs require human assistance to survive. There are no packs of wild Golden retrievers running about. By the same token a human should be able to take care of itself. I can rationalize the difference for the sake of argument, though I’m sure many actually do seriously.

If you call someone and they don’t answer but call you back minutes later answer the damn phone. Assholes. -Translater

Why didn’t you answer the phone in the first place? Just be prepared to have whatever reason you choose turned around to let the accused have the same excuse. You are whining about someone treating you the EXACT SAME way you just treated them, what makes you so special?

Dear UPS, I’m assuming the reason why it’s taken almost 12 hours already for my delivery to get here from the local location is that you are no longer using trucks, but are having your delivery people walk their deliveries to their customers. I’d like to do more walking too, but you have yet to deliver my new shoes. -DarthJason

They are busy all day delivering to Businesses and rich peoples houses because they have home offices and are rich. So, either get rich or wait your fucking turn. My next project deadline is more important than your fancy twinkle-toed bedazzled Sketchers.

Replacements for “hit it n quit it”? -H1Roll3r

I’m partial to “Skeet and beat feet.”

I’d love to poop in a discreet place in someone’s house. You know, open a shoebox and squat. They’d be like “I smell the feces, but I don’t see it!” Bonus if they blame it on their daughter. Let them really know how people feel about them. -ZtuntZ

If you scrape your food canoes into the grate of someones air conditioning and then brush off the grill, the victims house then smells like ass until they figure out where its coming from. There is no cleaning out the AC unit. They have to buy another one. Plus, this can be done during the stealth of night, from outside, while the victim is in the house. Just a great form of revenge and vandalism.

Someone just asked me if Cookie Monster was a Virgin.  I have no idea!  If theres one person who knows, I assume its you.  – H-COX

I doubt it. He seems pretty content with getting fisted every morning.  But thanks for considering me as your go-to puppet sexual experience expert.

Way to be wrong about American Idol.  One of the guys you called a “fraudulent entry” won the whole thing.  And Matt lasted forever too.  You suck. -HilariousDessert

It’s true.  In my defense, the other 4 wild cards were out in 5 weeks.  I didn’t give enough credit to America for being so pliable.  Kris wasn’t cute or talented enough the first few times America got the chance to vote for him.  But after America was told that he was in fact, cute and talented enough, they started to vote for him.  So, it all worked out for everyone.  Except, Adam I suppose.