The What’s What, Volume 36

Let’s say Tom Brady’s career is over today. Will he still be in the HOF? -KingMayker

16-0, 3 SuperBowls, MVP, TD Record holder?  Yes, first ballot.

What made you stop believing in God? -Chad_The_Hun

Remedial Cognition.  I kid, it just kind of added up over time.

I’m making chicken wings for lunch. What should I baste them with? -BBQball

Put them in a crockpot with ketchup, soy sauce, garlic, and grape jelly for a couple hours.  Then, prepare yourself to be amazed how fucking delicious they are.

Can a stripper make enough money between age 18 to age 25 to support her for life? -BereccaX

Just stripping? Very unlikely. High class hooker? Probabaly.

Prostitution and Marijuana; Basically, if any of the two are going to legalized, they must be both lucrative and productive for society (though it’s all really about revenue).  Which of the two benefits society more? -ARL95

Marijuana, hands down.  Farms would be created, regulatory committees, companies of new jobs to process and distribute.  Prostitution would need regulation on a much smaller scale.

they need to start making reverse skyscrapers. look like a small building on the surface but go 50 floors into the ground like a bunker…but awesome.  -ssobsivart

The view isnt as nice.

turn your keyboard over and hit the back side of it over some white paper. I just did this at my office and a bunch of skin flakes, eye lashes and some marijuana just fell out! wtf?! how did that get in there at work?! -CuriousExplorer

When I was moved into a new office I asked the tech for a new keyboard and he asked me why. I turned it over and shook it out on the desk, and he said “Gross. I’ll go get you one.”

A friend of mine is asking me if masturbating and then praying cancels each other out. Thoughts? -BigNeve23

He should go to confession so the priest can ask him to describe it in every detail.  All I can think of is that scene from Clerks 2, where the goodie-2-shoes kid is masturbating to the donkey show while crying and saying “I’m sorry, Jesus…” Hilarious.

Favorite Star Wars character? -CenturionRomanus

Either IG-88, the bounty hunting robot responsible for artificial intelligence, or Admiral Ackbar.

Michelle Obama quit her job, I bet Obama will want to quit when things get real. -notsodope43

I think if I had 4 years to tackle a meaningful social issue, Id quit my job to give it every effort I could, also.

HBO passed up Mad Men? WTF guys? It’s actually a really good show. It feels like I’m watching a long movie that I don’t want to end. I’m on the 7th episode of the fourth season right now. -bright_shadow

Though the show would be even more awesome with boobies and swearing, it does the job fine now.

How would a Doctor end a letter? Sincerely?  Regards?  Dr. Name, MD, or just Name, MD? -y_so_srs90

Forgery is tough, I know.

Would you listen to Hayden Panettiere’s music to have sex with her? You have to listen to every song she has ever sung BEFORE you can start even doing anything with her then it’s on when you’re doing whatever you want with her. -pensnteller11

Can I turn her down to her face if her music sucks that badly when I hear the first song?  Cause that might make it worth it if shes talentless.  As cute as she is, I really disdain crossover attempts.

The Whats What, Volume 35

So, its been a month since I’ve talk to my ex-gf of 2 years. And like 5 months since we broke up now. Is it weird that she has a new bf and all, but I still have the urge to call when I get plastered? I just wannna see how things are going, I have no shot at getting her back even if I really wanted to. -SaabLava

The only thing worse than letting her win, is letting her know that shes winning.

Winny or Topenga? Be the tie breaking vote in my fraternity survey. -KeggaBrew

Winnie in a landslide, Topanga was whiny and ugly.  I can’t believe that this is close.

If you lived in the Middle Ages, would you murder someone?  Would you do it if there were almost no chance of getting caught, no chance of even being suspected…would you do it to the person you hate the most? -zombeeviktim

Wouldnt I have to worry about retribution from Tarbashkor; God of Fire, Lambs Wool, and Premeditated Murder or something?

My grandfather is willing me his stamp collection, he claims it’s worth $30k. He’s got about 25-35 binders full of stamps from almost every country. He’s been collecting them since he was 10.   Thoughts?  -da-grebb

If you aren’t adding to the collection, sell it. When an emergency comes, you’ll get far less than the actual value because you’ll need the money immediately and have no time for collecting reasoned bids from interested parties.   The baseball card industry is almost wiped out, and with e-mail becoming more prevalent the stamp collection industry is struggling also. It was a hobby for old people, and is likely to die with his generation.

Do you HONESTLY believe the world will end in 2012? -PijjunEnglish

Nope. Unfortunately all the other doom sayers have turned the whole Armageddon thing into “the boy who cried wolf” for me personally.  If there really is a threat, Im unlikely to pay it any attention because I’ve been desensitized to the fear mongering.

Do you  know of any music stores that might carry keytars? -Fridgefeet

Congratulations on being the first person to ever wonder about that since 1992.  Much luck in your search. Remember to frost your tips after crimping them, not before.

If a god proved it’s existence to you personally, would you worship it? -rsieg23

I would thank him for his efforts, and ask him how I could repay him.  If he wants my effort of Sunday worship, he’ll get it. If he wants charity and tithes, he’ll get it. Maybe he just wants me to be a good person to others and enjoy his effort, I’ll do that too.

When Bumblebee got his voice back in the movie, he should have sounded younger. Sounded like an old ma. -PhilAnthropissed

That whole voice losing scenario was a complete trainwreck.  That, and the only black Transformer died, like it was a joke or something.  Character development was a consistent failure throughout the movie for me, personally.

The army recruiters just  called and my mom answered and instead of telling them I wasn’t here she had to be a dumbshit and give the phone to me so I just hung up. They heard me talking before I did it too. Am I going to jail? -BidzX420

While its good you aren’t wasting their time, you could have made it clear like a rational person.

there’s noththing cuter than your girlfriend wearing your clothes, amirite? -irulehyruleido

Agreed, I used to have a girlfriend who would change into my clothes the second she came over, football jersey and boxers.  Cute as hell.  One bitch robbed me of some of my best Eddie Bauer gear and the only way I found out it was her because her new boyfriend was wearing my stuff when I saw them together.   That **** REALLY pissed me off.

The What’s What, Volume 34

I never understood why they put mentally retarded kids in the same school with real people? -maestroofdoom

It’s so people can become accepting of them. They make you eat lunch with them so you know not to stare at them while they eat. They “pet” them off to the football team so jocks can feel better about themselves as they are scrubbing the toilet with a nerds face.  You know, basic social courtesy.

So there is this girl that I kinda have my eye on– but I haven’t found a way to break the ice and get further than a few hellos here and there.  She likes to read/write fiction, but she tells me she’s been suffering from writers block. I was thinking, I could offer that her and I could co-author something together during the next few weeks whenever we can so she can over come her writer’s block.  Cheesy?  Stupid? Works? -WaffleMurderer

I resent the term “writers block” as most hobbyists use it as a buzzword for their laziness, when in fact they just want to talk about the fact that they write to look creative and educated.  But, by all means, I’ve done crazy things to get knuckle deep.

When I got around college age, an older co-worker told me “You got to learn to play golf…because business deals don’t get done at pickup games.” Strange to hear from one black guy to another, but he was right! The only business deal I’ve ever seen happen during a b-ball game was a drug deal in that movie “New Jack City”.

After making too many excuses not to, my sister bought me a set of clubs and I learned to play…but then Obama gets in office and I see him playing ball with other politicians. One of the dudes he plays ball with got a cabinet position. I don’t think that’s why he got the position…but I’m sure it didn’t hurt his chances.  Could basketball be the new golf? -HotAnxiety

Golf is six hours of primarily walking or waiting.  Basketball is high paced and tiring. Plus the settings are less conducive to business.  Open manicured lawns vs. sweaty, stinky gym.  Even when deals were done “on the tennis court” they were done in the country club, in the bar after the workout.  I think golf is still going to be the way to go here.

I’ve never understood the conquest of “taking a virgin”. Really, sex for the first time is akward and uncomfortable. And for women, it’s suppose to be something they hold very close in thier memories. I can see how some guys might think of this as a “victory” so to speak, but in reality, you’re just being a gigantic douche imo.

A virgin is “tight” I guess? I just think that ruining a womans first experience is such a ****ed up thing to do. Especially if that’s your whole intent. It’s guys like you that make fathers the world over hate young men. I can only hope that you yourself have a child, it’s a girl, and you have to think about how a guy like you tried to destroy what was sacred in her sex life.  -FromdaHillz

I’ve claimed 5 virgins and I don’t feel I “destroyed” anything sacred. It adds me a lifetime of self-esteem to know that 5 beautiful girls entrusted me enough with that responsibility. Every time they discuss with their boyfriends past partners, every time they hear the word “virginal”, when they have to realize that their own kids are having sex in 20 years or whatever, they’ll be thinking of me. And from all accounts, I’ve made that experience pleasant and comfortable.  Just because your sex is awkward and uncomfortable, doesn’t mean everyone else is a douche.

Domestic abuse is not a laughing matter. -Xboxgerrl

I’m sympathetic to a woman once per man for these incidents. The second time shifts from sympathetic, to perception of pathetic.  Just my nature, not something I choose to react to.  As far as I’m concerned, if you go back, you have rationalized it in your relationship as something you will put up with, for whatever benefits you receive in trade.

9 Year old writes essay “How to talk to girls”.  Gets book and movie deals.  Your thoughts? -Spokanefan

Precocious shitcaker. I’ll be sure to take my relationship advice from an expert whos a virgin without pubes.  There are people in this world who actually can dispense good advice.  Why we nationally humour this asshole is way beyond my comprehension.

I’m pretty bummed, a friend of mine is leaving the office next week but tomorrow is the last day I get to see her before she moves to Korea since I will be back in the US.  I bought her tea as a going away gift. -CannonReed

Isn’t that like getting someone going to Idaho a potato?

There is this woman I´m getting close to right now, but….I recently found out that she´s pretty much a racist. She said the N-word several times and made severl comment on the black community. I still like her though. I´m not racist.   Srsly. -tussin

Pop her vagoo and when you are releasing you man chowder, yell “I’m half N!&&AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”  Then dump her.  Good times.

I think we should restart naming diseases after famous people that they claim. Like Lou Gehrigs disease. -BootzMacreary

Crazy wife shot you? Phil Hartman Syndrome. Fat and cocaine could be the Chris Farley disease.
Shotgun suicide is Cobain-itis. What fun!