The What’s What, Volume 26

Is it mandatory to join the Selective Service System? They sent me some stuff about having to join or else I would go to jail, are they just ****ing with me or are they serious? _MynameisRomas

You won’t go to jail. Don’t plan on getting a cushy government job though.

Have you ever ran into celebrities/pro athletes? Last week at a California Pizza Kitchen in Milwaukee I ran into Gabe Kapler. Well, he was seated with his family at the booth behind mine. I (and everyone else) left him alone. -Lancemalot

Are you sure it was Gabe Kapler? I don’t see how he could possibly eat in public with the tsunami of fan asking for autograph and picture.

But actually, I saw Reggie Jackson at the Saratoga Race Course last year going up the clubhouse steps surrounded by security. I yelled “I must kill the Queen!” at him. (His only line from Naked Gun.) He turned around, we made eye contact, he smiled and pointed at me. I yelled “I’m a Sox fan, but I still love you Reggie.” He laughed and said loudly to me, all with eye contact “That’s cool, I don’t hear that one that much anymore.” It made me feel awesome. Even though I am a Sox fan.

My new ex-GF wants to see the guy she cheated with again, to make sure I’m “the one”. Hence, “ex-GF”. -BigEyeland

Well, that didn’t go the way she planned. Or did it?

The What’s What, Volume 25

Pro-tip:  Chicks make the best wingman.  Not to say that guys can’t be good wingmen, but there is nothing like another chick making conversation with some broad at a party/bar/wherever and wingmanning for you. Nothing at all.  Learn this, and you will go far in college. Unless you are ugly or something. -Goldn_Go4

Totally makes sense.  You could go grab a round, and have your girl say “Honestly, I would have dated him, but his penis is just far too large.”  We had our own system though, called “Wingman goes first. ”

This only works if your wingman is willing to accept responsibility of claiming to go after the uglier of the two ladies.  The hot girl thinks you are sweet for wing-manning for your other sweet buddy who doesn’t go after just looks.   Plus she’s not used to being the wingman in her own scenario, so it adds freshness.  Add in the fact that it lowers expectations and you have yourself a great chance.  Me and a buddy worked this play to success several times.

Would you rather get your balls licked, or a back massage from a person of your choice? -Bailout_genius

At first, I was all for the back-massage because just ball-licking seems like a tease.  But then after some careful reflection, I decided I would rather have someone I hated lick my nuts.  That seems like more fun than fireworks in a snowstorm.

Clinton supporters going to Palin make me want to kill myself .  Is that what policies mean to you?  Nothing? It’s all about the vagina eh?  -Craig98

Thats what Liberals get for giving them the vote.

We have three Grandpas already! But this one’s a great Jazz musician! -DogzBark

Oh, Oh, you see today, the kids with their rap music and it’s hipping and it’s hopping with the bipping and the bopping, gives them the BRAIN DAMAGE. And they don’t know….  what the JAZZZZZ, is all about!

Sarah Palin can search for WMD’s in my PANTS!  Right? Right?  -Bi11ican

Weiners of Massive Disappointment?

All co-op gameplay does is make us fight and hate each other -Klan_Chowder

My only co-op experience has been the Lego series and sports games.  It’s great fun, and brings my friends closer.  Maybe its a problem with the people you are co-oping with.

Your favorite Pepperidge Farm product? -Derk@_Derk@

Either Milanos or the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl bread.

I really don’t understand why people like WWE or UFC. I know one is fake and the other is real, but they both seem to play up super-macho tough guy stereotypes.  To me it’s as boring as watching paint dry, I don’t know why most guys like that stuff. -Reggalashun

The fact you lump the two together is going to offend a lot of people.  Plus, prove how out of touch you are.

The What’s What, Volume 24

Are High school relationships pointless? PesticularCancer

Good question. Mostly. They are good social practice. Though, I always pitied high school sweethearts that got married. I couldnt fathom not having the experience of multiple relationships. It has made me into quite the self-aware person. Not to mention the variety of girls that found me appealing enough to consider a boyfriend, has been a source of esteem for me. The variety was astounding to me.

Mom said she’ll buy my dinner tonight… She said she’ll give me 15$. What should i get??? -Melonium

Raid your fridge and pocket the cash.

My mother threatened to leave my family when I was 7 I wish she went through with it. -Drsayus100

You should tell her that. That would really grind her gears.

Have you ever heard that song “Inside the Fire” by Disturbed? Apparently his girlfriend commited suicide a few years ago and thats what the song and video are about… -Phanatic420

She made her decision. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just another whiny loser lamenting his girlfriend dumping him. People with real pain don’t exploit it.

“Crash Into Me” has got to be the dirtiest song about sex ever played on an acoustic guitar. -fgnrock33

“Loving you” – Adam Sandler

“Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace,
play with balls and tell him how big they are.
Tell me about you old boyfriends dick and how big it was,
now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me jack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? Now stick it up my ass,
push it in and out at a medium pace….”

I’m Canadian and have seen you, and people on TV talking about Chicken and Waffle resturants. Like, is it fried chicken and waffles with syrup? What’s the appeal? -Tailor-Maid

You mean, besides that they are delicious? I eat the chicken first, and then the waffles as dessert. The taste of maple goes well with chicken and friend foods. Waffles are desserts anyway. I don’t know how the Belgians tricked anyone into eating them for breakfast. Don’t even get me started on the Danish.

Before I came to school a week and a half ago, my gf came over to do some of my packing while my dad dragged me to church. She wrote little notes and stuck them in a bunch of my clothes, DVD cases, laptop, etc. I’m still finding notes. _Kelvin_

That’s sweet, until you realize she’s only doing it to claim you. She wants college ladies to know she has her talons in you already.

some quality father son time today…..we are going to go play Golf, but I have never been….you talk about golf alot… tips? -Stealthy.Waffles

Then, try not to get discouraged. If the people you are playing with people that aren’t douches, pick up your ball after scoring double par, just to keep the game moving and not get frustrated. Have fun with your Dad. Golf should just be a nice day in the woods.

Do you need to send thank you letters after the first stage of interviewing? Like you go back and meet the same people — do I need to send them more thank you notes? -Dr.fertile

Which is funny because every time someone sends them to my boss, we open them and laugh at your expense. You shouldn’t send letters after an interview, or a thank you card. That stuff is retarded and we laugh at you for it.

How do I get my parents to quit dragging me into their drama? I’ve only tried saying (many times) “I really don’t want to hear about it.” It’s not working!!! -Chain_Chomp_Champ

Tell them both the same thing, “It bothers me when you bad mouth Mom/Dad, so from now on, I am going to defend them vehemently until you leave me out of it. Also, talking bad about someone else to me just leads me to believe you’re talking bullshit about me behind my back. You can choose to keep my respect or keep talking. Theres no both, anymore.” Broken record this constantly, just repeat it, over and over, every time you feel the way you do.

The What’s What, Volume 23

Fill in the blank: It would be crazy if ______________ died. – salgoode125

Both Obama and McCain

Every month I pit two unlikely teachers against each other in a no holds barred death match and size up the two teachers (listing pros and cons and student testimonials) and its been a big hit so far, the only problem is that I need a catchy name.  -RJsquared1

Either “Class-Whoopin’” or “TeacherDome: 2 people enter, one gets SCHOOLED”

I don’t understand people who hate on people for tats/piercings. This kind of attitude is best left to 1952 and the Cold War. In any case, tats and piercings are older than Jesus. Literally. -CrunchyBjorg

Because shock value doesn’t make you an individual, it makes you a tool box with a bunch of piercings.  Stop trying to scare old people.

What’s funny, is frats in real life are actually a lot crazier than they are in movies. -Labradator2020

I spent about 17 years dreaming of entering a frat, and another 4 days to dismiss them completely without care during pledging.  I can’t believe the stuff people did for whatever reason. I had immediately decided to salvage my dignity and live in the dorms.

I see nothing unethical about shopping at Wal-Mart. Anyone who does has too much time on their hands. -Batistaownsjoo

I think it’s great that white-trash and poor people alike can come together and buy processed barded chicken and one-ply onesie outfits at the same place I go to get video games at 1 o’clock in the morning twice a year.

I just sat on my balls. That pretty much sums up how my day’s been going. -Nullset001

Jesus, I know, right! Bad positioning, there.  You think evolution would have done something to help us out by now.

I didn’t think it was possible.  but I am officially sick of blow jobs.  -ckickenkicker

Yeah, your jaw must be sore by now.

Rate a snack: Funyons -liddle_e

The first dozen or so are okay. They get salty and weird quick.  The texture is weird too. Too puffy.  I like the flavor of those first few, though.  7/10

OMG Pecan moved out of my Animal Crossing town! -SenatorNook3

My wife booted up the GC version recently and the animals yelled at her for not visiting in 147 weeks.

I have tan lines.. from my flip flop straps -Un_Jm_Lmy

If you are a girl, thats funny, and even a little cute.  If you are a guy, thats like the nazi flair for retards.

Age old question: Who shot first; Han or Greedo? -McCanadianEh

Greedo never shot at all. He was far too dead to return fire.  The question itself is a fallacy.

Highschool changes people. I used to know this really cool girl rocker who was fun to hang out with and go to concerts with. Highschool comes she hangs out with different people and shes acts likes some preppy bitch now who hates rock music and now listens to pop  from grade 9-10 I havent really talked or hung out with her. shes too busy with her other friends -blder34co

Experience changes people.   99% of the times, its for the better.  Quit being selfish, your friend is improving herself.  I’m sure she’s sorry its not to your approval, maybe she’ll apologize when she starts caring.  It probably wont happen soon, what with you all the way up there on that high horse of yours.

Who is your favorite Muppet? He might be the straight laced leader, but I’m still for Kermit.  Sweetums comes in a close second  -polmyra43

I’ve always been pro Rolf. For no particular reason. Seemed like the only Muppet I could trust. Plus, you know he smokes bongs. He never seemed to get enough play.

The What’s What, Volume 22

My sister gets high every day and she keeps eating all the food in the house.  -FinalConsideration

Start making a stash in your room. Thats what I did when I heard my sisters were bringing over their mooch friends.

What’s the worst food to burp back up? For me, it’s hot dogs. -GhostofEllisBurks

I would say Orange Juice.  That shit hurts.

Does it make me a BITCH for playing Madden on ROOKIE level? -Papayawarrior

No, you are only a bitch if you go 19-0 beating the computer by 50 every game.  If you are competing on Rookie, you are just bad at the game.  Which is better than being a bitch, in my opinion.

Let’s face it, our world will never be progressive until our parents die.  Their generation is still filled with stupid backwards ideas. -Klassyk

90% true, they’ll be alive long enough to feel powerless as they watch their antiquated ideals crumble into society right before their death.  Unfortunately, they won’t last to realize they are wrong and wasted years of resources and effort on petty bullshit.

Decided on who you are voting for? -jbauer4545

I always vote third party, because I’ve never lived in a swing state.  I’m a registered Republican, just so I can vote in the primaries.  Theres never small government for people candidates anymore, though.  It’s all small government for business.

I can’t believe people are reading The Watchmen now, 20 years too late. -Megsboyee

How else will they be able to complain about the movie?  Being sheeple takes work.

We agree that House is the best TV character correct? -Stankz

Oh, hes right up there.  I’d throw him into the mix with both Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin from 30 Rock.  My female lead goes to the redhead leader of the steno pool from MadMen.  Shes got everyone on lock-down.

Have you ever bent someone over a kitchen counter? That’s what they’re for. -Target0007

No, kitchen counters are way to tall. You can’t bend any girl over them unless your humping Bigfoot.  Any seasoned gentleman knows the back of a dining chair or the kitchen table is the best place to really lay down some kitchen punishment.

How much is an ounce of pot in your area?  -rillumrt

Same as in your area, 1/16th of a pound.  Lettuce head.

It’s funny throughout this 8 years I’ve found that there have been many criticisms of President Bush, but the main criticisms of Bush have painted two vastly different pictures of our president…either he’s a complete idiot that’s 2 IQ points above an ice cream cone….or, an evil mastermind capable of turning a legitimate war on terror into a revenge mission against Saddam and Iraq.  So, WMC, which is it?

My opinion of him has changed many times since he took office. Now, I think hes just an average guy, who was excited to learn that he could become president, was elected, found himself in over his head and relied on bad advice from people he trusted, and helped get him into office.  I don’t think he’s as dumb as everyone else thinks. I just think hes trusting people who have their own agendas at heart, and is too deep to either recognize this or too embarrassed to do anything about it.

I’ve never been to red robin and my familys going there I know its like the starbucks one but seriously what should I get?

The first time I went to Red Robin, I got the Banzai burger.  I’ve been there dozens of times since, and never looked at the menu. The Banzai Burger is that good.

Favorite alcoholic beverage? -21cccp

Double shot of Jamesons, and a Ginger Ale.  Though, I barely drink anymore, I can put three of these down before I feel a hint of unlightenment.

At what age do you think a guy should get the **** out of their parents house? -kerby414

The fact that you don’t want to leave makes you a loser, the complacency.  If you are broke and just waiting for a check to move out, or whatever, you’re good.  Doesn’t matter what number is on your license.

As it turns out, mayhem outweighs truth.

I went to the local mall. You know those sort of chinese food places that sell Bourbon Chicken and what not? I got in line at one of those joints. “Bombay Cafe” it was called. Everyone was Asian, not sure about the name.

Anyway, I got in line. A few minutes pass and this fat poor lady cuts in front of everyone and drops a plate with vegetables on it on the counter. “Excuse ME! I found this hard thing in my food!” She opens her hand to show the guy the “rock” for like a half second before she rubs her fingers together and wipes her hand through the air to prove it was trash or something. “I bit on a bunch of these and I want my $6.50 back!”

The manager guy looks at her and says “You ate the whole meal! You should have stopped eating and I could have made you more food. I didn’t even see the rock, you prove nothing, no refund.”

She looks him right in the eyes and says, “Oh, you mean I’m gonna have to cause a SCEEEENE to get whats right?” The manager looks at me (next in line) and sighs loudly, I shrug. She then takes a couple steps back and starts yelling, “They put ROCKS IN THE FOOD HERE AT THE BOURBON CHICKEN PLACE, WHAT THE **** IS THIS PLACE CALLED BOMBAY GRILL BE PUTTING ROCKS ALL UP IN THE FOOD!!!”

The manager rushes to the cash register, opens it up, grabs $6.50 turns and THROWS it at her. “OH HELL NO!” She yells. “I ain’t no beggar, you did me wrong, I ain’t picking up money off the floor, you come get it and hand it to me like a civilized person.”

The manager asks me what I want, I place my order. She continues to yell about how she “ain’t picking up no floor money”. The manager says “Look, take your money and leave or I’ll call security.” The lady yells “Tyco! Tyco! Boy get your ass over here and pick up this money.” Some little kid runs through and gaffles the green.
My food was great, no rocks or nothing.

The What’s What, Volume 21

Sweet potato fries, or regular?  I know a lot of people who absolutely hate Sweet Potato fries, but I love ‘em. Healthier too. I just like to slice up a sweet potato and salt the wedges then bake it in an oven. Absolutely delicious. -DrDiablo

I like sweet potato fries with BBQ and steaks, but regular fries with burgers and hot dogs, or with gravy and cheese.

If you had to choose: 1 night with Angelina Jolie or ten Pounds of dat dankest bud? Replace Jolie with someone else if she’s not your type. But if you had to choose between one night of sex with your dream girl and a enormous amount of weed, which would you chose? -Flesh_Aaaaaa

I’d take the weed because I did the math.  Smoking at my current rate (1/8th a week) that would be EIGHTEEN YEARS of free weed.  There is no way that one night of hosing man chowder on a hot celebrity is going to equal 18 years of free laughable complacency.  Just the way I roll, I guess.

If you went back in time and killed Hitler as a baby, someone else would’ve done what he did. We are all placedholders in this world. -MaximusClitorius

Thats a ridiculous assumption.  If you were aborted this question would still be in my in-box?  Then what is the point of you living?  Have a little more respect for your self-worth.

How many times did you fap to the Olympics? -Bob_A_Fett

I lost count after Day 2.   I’ve devised an estimation formula: Programming hours of Gymnastics + Beach Volleyball + Synchronized Diving and divide by 2.  Thats my best estimate.

so i was watching the Scrabble championships on espn… and someone totally made up a word the judges totally didn’t catch it, he was asian too which explains it. -Iced-Tee

Not a judge thing, people do it all the time.  It’s the reason championship scrabble is retarded. Its the players responsibility to challenge, they just assume the championship player across from him knows more than them and never challenges.  Totally ridiculous.

Do you listen to music in a language you don’t understand? -Hellabund71

Yeah, I like a lot of Indian stuff, and I’ve been into French rap for a while.

Isn’t it great when in a movie a kid can fix a complex problem, with their “computer skills” I just have to hack in to the main frame and change the data and the town will be saved! -E_Mail_Address

What’s worse is any movie where a child is considered the wisest person in the movie.  Sleepless in Seattle, Pay it Forward, that new Ryan Reynolds joint where Abigail Breslin is telling her father “Trust me, Dad. You’re NOT happy.”  Precocious fuckers.  Also, women or children who need to be rescued, and then invariably become action heroes somehow and help the ass-kicking process bothers me, too.

Do you approve of McDonalds, and if so, what do you usually order? -prezidense

Sure, fast food is good once in a while.  1 Big Mac, 1 McChicken sammich, Med Coke

my parents won’t let me sell me wii because supposedly it’s the “family wii” even though i bought it with my own money… -lordsofdogsville

Sell it anyway. If you are old enough to buy your own Wii, you are old enough to determine when you get bored of it.  Tell them to buy your Wii, or start looking for a new one, because yours is paying for something you need.

If there was a WNFL (Women’s National Football League), would you watch? – Omega-San

My friends will have forced me to have already drafted a fantasy league before Kick-off, so yeah, I’d watch.

Jeff Dunham is the least funny, overrated “comedian” today -sykniss

Hes corny as all get out. He might have some “talent” for ventriloquism, if there is such a thing.  I just can’t get past his corny jokes.