As it turns out, everyday activities can be new experiences.

I was in the middle of a week of vacation and this girl was increasingly into me. We make plans to go to the beach at night to watch fireworks and I can tell minutes in she wants to sit on my boystick that night. The more it becomes apparent she wants to do the no pants dance, the more I realize I have to grow tail.

So, after the fireworks, she invites me to her place which sounds great, but I need to lay cable. And Im not rocking her tiny motel room toilet with corndogs and chinese food right before poking her. So I told her that I wanted to go swimming first. I didnt expect her to follow me. I should have seen it coming. She thought it was romantic.

And, thats what happened. I shat standing up in the Carribbean Ocean while flirting and hugging a naked hot girl. The funny thing about pooping in the ocean is that crap floats. I could feel the turds tugging up when they were still attached, and every time I cut free a candy bar it floated to the surface. I would lean forward in the hopes I wouldn’t feel a fecal torpedo scrape up my back. This is when I would push her or tackle her out to sea. I was herding her against the current of my fleet of food canoes.

I used the salt as an excuse to shower, to which she joined me. From that point on the vacation was a haze of room service, candlelight, me putting things in fantastic places.

Special thanks to Dave of http://www.poopreport.com for the shitty link.  (Yuk Yuk Yuk)

The Whats What, Volume 10

What do you consider your greatest video gaming achievment? -EatapusPrime

Easily having 5 people complete a full season of 175 games of All-Star Baseball 2001. We were even playing in the car during a drive to Florida.  We beat our 3 favorite teams in the playoffs too, ALDS vs. Yanks, ALCS vs. Red Sox, WS vs. Mets.  Yes, 5 people on one team. We each had a starting pitcher, our own character, and drafted players each.  It was awesome.

What is the ONE thing you wish you could have, that you will likely never get? – NYCModo

Is this a riddle?  Im going to guess that it is not, and say early retirement.

The woman you’re about to have sex with offers to tongue your ass. What do you do? -BuildCosby

Id tell her we should make out first, and then never again.

Have you ever been to a gay bar to get free drinks even though your straight? -Bollox2120

You, sir, are a genius.  Kudos. *clink*  Im man-hot.  Where are my purple courderoys? Im heading to RamRods tonight!

Are you excited for the Beijing Olympics at all? -ashmino

More like the Va-China Olympics, am i rite?  (Copyright, WMC 2008)  I’ve always loved the cryptic, acid-laced opening ceremonies.  And this year, its the chinese?  Ill need a fucking decoder ring for these bastards.

Where can I get chicken and waffles in a 98% white town? -stazz14

Ask the other 2% .  I kid. Theres a little diner round here that handles my soul food needs. Chicken and Waffles, biscuits and sausage gravy, gravy fires with cheese, Beans and greens. Shit yes.  I would suggest diners that are open 24 hours a day and will serve breakfast any time.  They’ll make you chicken and waffles, no question asked.

That Guy David Cook on American Idol is Freaking Awesome.  I loved his his insane rendition of that Mariah Carey song – MistressH8tred

Hes okay.  But whats he gonna do when he gets off Idol? He cant remake cover songs forever.  Im not on his boystick like everyone else, it seems.

Bush really is an idiot.  Did he really say “Awesome speech” to the pope? -SaurecoPal

I heard, “Thank you for blessing us with that most bodacious and gnarly speech, your total holiness.”

Should my teacher be allowed to bring her mentally retarded son to school and have him sit in class? Mind you, he doesn’t actually attend the school and this is an Honors Trig. class. This just doesn’t seem right. He’s 14 and mentally retarded. In class he watches Barney tapes and moans and grinds his teeth and occasionally walks up to his mom(our teacher) and interrupts the lesson by hugging her, moaning, touch her, pulling her, etc.  This shouldn’t be allowed, should it? -Guiltyofallcounts

That would seem like it would be distracting.  Resist the urge to sneak him candy and speed so he flies off the all one day and shes forced to find a sitter.

*The next “Whats What” will be for GTA questions only.  I’ve got enough now, but if you’ve got better questions, send them in and bump out some stale ones.  Stay well!

The What’s What, Volume 9

do yuo go clubbing? -PortStanleyRuffington

I used to, in college.  No more, though.  It lost it’s appeal quickly. Its hot. Its loud. The girls are dirty.  Drinks are expensive.  Drinks are hard to get.

I did once or twice because my friends made me. They don’t get why I hate it. They’re not really my friends anymore because they want go out clubbing all the time. I watch football and play video games. But most of the time they are hungover and sleeping from late nights at club.  Meh.

Describe the most uncomfortable sex you’ve ever had. – NYCModo31

Oh, hands down in the clearance pc game section of CompUSA.  I had pointy red racking digging into my back and leg, and the part she was holding onto for stability kept screeching with the dragging of pointy metal over tile flooring.  I launched all over the inside of her sweater (it had been turned inside out), and she had to wear that out, only adding to the uncomfortability quotient, for her anyway.  I had scratches and divots all along my back.  Mayhem.

Ok, If you could have the ability to not have to sleep, would you take it You would recieve all of this benefits of being asleep already, but you could never go to sleep?  -PieBowler

Of course.  Only idiots say no. Its a free 30 years to live.  You spend A THIRD of your life WASTED in sleep.

The Death Penalty is stupid and Barbaric. No one deserves to die no matter how terrible the act they committed was. They should suffer in prison and not be treated like other inmates. They should be made to suffer by not receiving meals, light or even a cell larger than 2 feet by 6 feet. Make them wish they were dead, dont be barbaric and slip to their level. -TimAldren

It is hypocritical to punish someone for murder, by murdering them.  Having said that, Im not about to tell the victims families what would make them feel better.  i think they should get to decide.

You know the expression that your not really dead as long as your not forgotten? What if that was true; as if you were held in purgatory or in ghostly form on earth until everyone has forgotten you. Once the very last memory of you has dissapeared and the last person who knew of you died, then you went to heaven. If that was true, our need for legacy is very dibilitating; being a President, or any important figure that’s kept in the history books will be wandering the earth forever, waiting an hoping to one day be forgotten.   So, average jo’s who do nothing with their life will have the last laugh. -BoatMealWookies

You should totally make this movie, and then prepare for the backlash from the Christian community for your claims that Jesus has not ascended into heaven. If you are forgotten there is no way anyone can learn from what you had to offer.  To be remembered is not a curse.

What do you think are the greatest sports moments of this decade? -90MPH

In order;

1.) Red Sox being down 0-3 winning 8 in a row to win their first World Series in 80+ years.
2.) Giants beating undefeated Pats in the Super Bowl.                                                             3.) Vince Young vs. USC                                                                                                       4.) Brett Favre on Monday Night the day after his dad died.

I always think “Why won’t they ever have another Woodstock?” Then I remember what happened in Woodstock ‘99.    Dear Generation X,   Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. -Hallidenn21

But it paved the way for us to hear “Ill take Rampant Tent Rapings for $200 please, Alex” someday, so there’s always that.

Last night, my 13 year old sister told me she was gonna score some weed.  For the record, I told her no.  I made her agree not to and threatened to tell our Mom if she did.  I just wanted to hear what you think of how I handled the situation.  -Windbeneathmythings

Well, now she won’t be notifying you of the number of potentially serious things she may or may not be doing in the future. I hope her considering getting high and eating smores was worth the trust in your relationship.  I’m not saying what you said was wrong.  It was the wrong way to go about it, though.

Do fat people have feelings? Everytime I walk by an obese person, I can’t possibly think that they have feelings.  Do they? -ColinInsick

Just hunger, shame, jealousy, and embarrassment.