The Whats What, Volume 5

I like the new site, easy to read.  I know this is old but god dam those NBA ASG jerseys were stupid as fuck. It looked like there were three teams on the court. One in blue, one in white, and one in beige. Honest to god, whoever came up with those uniforms needs to be fired. -ilikemusicmorethanyou

I completely agree. I said the same thing about three teams being on the court.  I cant fathom how there werent just crazy amounts of turnovers. I mean, its got to be confusing for this one game to look for guys in a different colour then you’re used to. But to make them different colours in front and back? Could they have possibly made it any MORE confusing?

I have to take a big dump, but im at work and cant leave the lab – chaosme

Two words, Ass-Cork.

You got thoughts on this years American Idol cast? -HacksawJim

I do.  Only that super young dude stands out.  But, he’s soooo “Aw Shucks” that its going to get old fast.  There was some girl last year, Melinda DooLittle, I think was her name.  She acted surprised when everyone loved her, which was unique and genuine, until she continued doing it into week 8.  I feel like this kid has to get that under raps or people will start resenting him.  Otherwise, Im not impressed.  When I sit down on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, Im not waiting for anyone to sing.  Im just watching the show.

When you get an erection while wearing jeans, which pant leg does your penis usually go down? -TheCytan

The left.  Its just the side the thigh holster for my giant penis always seemed more comfortable.

Lord of The Rings, or Star Wars? -dapuge

I was never into the fairies, elves, goblins, and dwarves that are the mainstay of most fantasy movies/books. Always seemed like kind of a cop out. The ultimate in “attempting” imagination.
Star Wars seemed more original, and because of that, more genuine ingenuity. I prefer Star Wars.

Do you still answer questions in haiku? -SunKissed420

Not any longer.
Prose Problems were inherent.
Just short answers now. 

Im emailing this to you from an iPhone on store display! -KandallWacks

Google Image search: goatse.  Set as wallpaper, leave quietly.

You ever watch Boondocks on Adult Swim? -pmuse

Yeah, I love it. Uncommonly complex writing.  Its like SouthPark for black people. With its ability to boil down issues and lampoon them from both sides, its satirical comedy is the perfect mesh for what they are trying to do.  Flawless execution.

I don’t see why people still believe in religion. Especially adults. It seems like you could have matured past the idea of a magical man in the sky that affects everything you do.  Grow up, people. -MrBlonde2120

I always found it ironic that Christians teach kids about Santa and God, almost together.  Both are unseeable forces that live far away; and if you are good, you are rewarded, and if you are bad you are punished.   And then, when your 10, they’re all  “We were lying about one of them.”
But the real answer to your question; Its easier to be told that your life is worth living, rather than make your life worth living.

My employer just sent me an incorrect paycheck.  I make $713 for two weeks of work.  I was sent a check for $7,130.  Whatever you tell me to do with the check, I will.  -BSchuman

Don’t tell another soul about this.  Open a savings account with it.  Deposit every penny.  Accrue interest until they find their mistake.  if they dont find their mistake by February 2010, spend everything.

The Whats What, Volume 4

Would you bang Leela from Futurama? -gazzilla8k

Probably, but just because shes a celebrity.  The one-eye things seems like it could get in the way.  How would I know if she’s winking at me, or just blinking?  The only thing that really bothers me about the situation, is that Id have Zap Brannigans sloppy seconds.  Im not sure if Im down with that.

If you had to choose what game coming out in 08 to be the only game you’d play the rest of your life which 08 game would be your eternal game forever? -conkerfan5

I know theres a lot of hype about Brawl & Metal Gear Solid 4.  But, Ill give the benefit of the doubt to R* and go with GrandTheftAuto:IV.  Seriously, Im still playing San Andreas.  Im disappointed the map is smaller and there are no flying machines.  I still cant believe that the majority of people were complaining that the game is too big.  I mean, it takes 5-10 minutes to get from your house to the Vegas strip by car.     During the commute, you probably ran over three pedestrians and lost a cop tailing you. And this was a problem with everyone?  Ridiculous.

My wife and I have had to change sex positions now that she’s pregnant, its lead to some amazing discoveries.  -omnivus

Sweet.  I will probably not be having sex with my wife while shes pregnant.  Not because I wouldn’t think pregnant women are attractive.  I just dont want to harm the baby with my immense penis.  Imagine, you’re a baby floating around your mom, “La La La, Im a little baby, maybe Ill kick today… La La La” and *WHAM* your dads penis is rammed into your forehead, several times.  How am I supposed to look my child in the eye when it comes out?  Like its not crowded enough in there, I gotta go implant a boystick into the tight quarters?  No thanks.

Do you eat McDonalds Fish Filet’s on Fridays (in lent)? -Centaurian

I don’t need to look  a calendar to enjoy a delicious Filet-O-Fish sammich.  Luckily, my God doesnt care when I enjoy the fruits of his work.  

Damn, did you HEAR? The MONTEL WILLIAM show is coming to an end in MAY I watch his show everyday at 1, except when he brings out that bitch Sylvia Brown. I bet she didn’t predict his show coming to an end this May.  – Penisocchio

Good riddance. Finally, the lowest form of accepted news medium is coming to a halt. Just an idiot with a microphone exploiting Americans for his own gain. Every single one of these shows is pompass, self serving, and anyone who is disappointed they are leaving is a sheep to the worst kind of shepard.  Fuuny line about Sylvia Brown, though.  I hate that liar.

Im not defending Natalee Hollaway’s killer but……  If the killers story is true, she is stupid as all hell.
Why are girls so ****ing stupid?’Hey im absolutely shit-faced and in a foreign country. Im going to find a random guy and drive off with him to a secluded area.’ Do women just think something like that is romantic or some ****?
Honestly, some young women are quite possibly the thickest people on the planet. -ilikefreemusic

The fact that she was drunk is obviously additional to the basic retardation most pretty girls suffer from anyway.  I dont care about her or finding her killers. Not because shes drunk, or a woman, or whatever. I just dont know her; Im not going to be outraged for her, when Im so complacent about all the other unnatural deaths seen every day on this planet.  I just want it to end so Nancy Grace shuts up for ten minutes.

Where should I go for lunch today?  -Annthym

You didnt leave any location info, so Ill just go with chains.  Red Robin, get the Banzai Burger.  I want to try the new Wendy’s Fish sandwhich.  So, theres an option.  When in doubt, the Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger hits the spot.   Im gonna have leftover Chinese food.

As it Turns Out, this Chinese Food system is Gold.

  Recently, a friend of mine explained his system for finding a good chinese restaurant.  “I only eat at places with Wok, House, East, or Tasty in the names of the restaurant.”  From that point on, truer words have never been spoken to my ears.  Everyone has to modify the system to their liking, but it works.  After much deliberation and testing, my four words for the perfect chinese food restaurant are Golden, Lucky, Panda and Dragon.  My favorite local restaurant is the Golden House in Latham.  Awesome Szechwuan, and if you like Sweet & Spicy, the Chicken Amazing is for you.  I was eating at Lucky Wu’s in Boston, and the Eastern Dragon in Ireland.  All great eateries.  Then I find the “Lucky Dragon” in Clifton Park, coming through with both names in my system, and holy god if its not the greatest mall chinese food Ive ever had.  All original stuff too, none of that Bourbon Chicken stuff you see everywhere.

Try my system, it’ll work!  Here are the rules; four words only.  Two adjectives, two nouns.  Chains (PF Changs and Panda Garden)  and buffets do not count.  Its all the same food there, either you like them or you don’t.  (Im pro chains, but very selective when it comes to the buffet restaurants.)  Take your 2 favorite chinese restaurants now.  Those are your starting names.  Now when remembering or finding eateries you like, modify your list by adding a name from the new restaurant and removing an old.  Then, when you eat at a restaurant you don’t like, you know which name to remove, and add another qualifying name from the past or a new restaurant.  At first, its alot of fiddling, but after a year or so has passed, you’ll find you’ve got a foolproof system for finding new delicious chinese eateries.

The Whats What, Volume 3

what would you do if your best friend called you at 3:30 am he says he doesn’t have time to elaborate but basically he hooked up with a girl on the beach and now needs your help to dispose of her body? -YOH51

I would tell him, that while I am out buying bags and rope, he should rent a boat and fill it with the largest rocks he can carry. Ill be there before sunrise.

I have never seen The Godfather – Cyyoungcear

I didnt see it until I was like 25.  I would always catch some of it, but never watched it because it was always in the middle or the edited version.  I highly recommend it.

I weighed myself before and after deficating.  3 lb difference. -DeadHeadCB

That seems like a big difference.  I imagine you’re a big dude.

I work at a hotel and a guest just called and said it smells like weed He said the entire 3rd floor smells like marijuana. might have to check this out. -MisterCheef34

Tell him you are aware of the issue, apologize for the inconvenience, and let him know that maintenence is fixing the circulation ducts, and shortly the entire hotel will reek of marijuana.  Ask him then if you can send up some complimentary munchies.  Laugh heartily, accuse him of being a stoner, and when he denies it, just keep saying “As you said, sir” and act like you obviously dont believe him.

What are you doing for Valentines Day? -got_pez

Nothing, I dont believe in Valentines Day.  I’ll make my wife a card, and we were going to dinner, but then we bought a 50″ plasma HDTV flatscreen TV at a CompUSA going out of business sale.  So we’ll probably just rent a movie and stay in watching that monster.

What do you think about the Wicca Religion? I find it intriguing and very interesting. It has this dark side to it, yet its pure gentle nature side as well. I… kinda like it. -MrFerret

I don’t condone any religion at all.  I condone spirituality, heartily.  Keeping that in mind, any religion that you feel an honest connection to, that doesn’t ask for money, doesn’t try to stop me from living my life the way I choose, and keeps you from shooting up places is highly recommended for the general public.

My 7-year-old brother just kicked my butt at Wii Boxing. Damn kid is a machine. -Porsche18

Well, thats sounds embarrassing.  Sit on his chest until he recognizes you as supreme leader of the house, and admits to blatant cheating and hacking to defeat you.  I would point the WiiMote into his eyes and tell him that your giving him “mind cancer” for enhanced effect.

Damn I have the worst timing with girls. So I’m finally pretty much over my ex and I’ve been hanging out with this chick, and it’s been going pretty good. And now right when I’m really starting to like her, her ex bf is getting back from Iraq, and she is telling me she is so confused and needs time to talk to him and think about what she wants and blah blah. -BigWooly

Hah, that means you lose.  She just needed companionship and a fallback in case her boyfriend pissed on an IED over there.  You don’t have bad timing, you have bad instincts.  She just said he was an exbf to make her feel better about wanting someone while he was away.  Sorry your head got you into this.  Its in your best interest to get out of this, and stay out.

As it Turns Out, Oscar nods dont mean shit.

So, my wife likes the Oscars. She feels like she has to see all the movies nominated so she can have an educated vote.  Makes sense. Its too bad she doesn’t get a vote.  So instead, in effect, shes seeing these movies because the Oscars tell her they’re good.  Which is okay, unless they suck.  Like the one we saw this weekend, “There Will Be Blood”.  Only there wasn’t any blood, save the final scene.  The movie would have better off being titled “Crazy asshole fucks everyone close to him.”  I spent the first ten minutes of the movie wondering if this guys motives were any good.  Then, events occurred, it was obvious this guy was a douchebag, and the movie continues to tell a story with no real feel to it.  It was long, like 2 1/2 hours.  That was no problem though, I was interested enough in the movie, but when it was over, I thought “What the fuck did I just watch?”  The music was crazy distracting.  I had to recognize that I was paying too much attention to the music at least 4 times.  So the movie is basically 150 minutes of this guy screwing people he originally seems to care about.  Except for this one guy he really hates, a preacher.  So, you just knew, that shitcaker was really going to get it.  And then he did, roll credits.   Fuck you, Upton Sinclair.

Project Chanology / Scientology Protest

Found this info about a scientology protest tomorrow.  People are protesting religions now.  This could be a serious start to something.  Not this thing here, necessarily, but this opens the doors.  Im going to see “There Will be Blood” tomorrow morning with a group, but Im gonna try and get the car to swing through beforehand and maybe get an interview and shot pictures.

Albany, NY Feb 10 11:00AM

11AM on February 10th, outside of the Scientology office at 2021 Western Ave #103, Albany, NY.

• • • IMPORTANT

WEATHER: High of 25°F, Low of 3°F. 40% chance of snow. It is going to be COLD. Dress warmly, pants over flannels, etc. It might be a good idea to bring a Thermos of something hot and tasty. If you bring one of those bigass chrome ones, some butthurt Co$ might call it a weapon.

Things are being discussed at irc.wetfish.net #Albany

You can also get info by mailing albanyanon@gmail.com.

Also – NO MASKS. THEY ARE ILLEGAL IN NY. We’re going for scarves, hats, sunglasses and blank “hello my name is:” nametags. We will be bringing extras if you do not have your own.

Please bring your own signs, flyers, ect, and extra if you can.

We have at least 15 people confirmed – so this is actually happening, and is worth going to.

The Whats What, Volume 2

Why is there no Queen songs in Guitar Hero? -Crackah_Jack

I completely agree.  To not include Queen in any Guitar Hero or RockBand is a travesty to music.  Frankly, I’m shocked they aren’t releasing these song collection disks 5 a week.  Its so crazy popular.  If I were ELO, or Pearl Jam or something, Id be developing my own disks to work with the controller.  Just think of it; Pearl Jam needs a new guitarist, you eventually challenge to win the spot, and then go on tour across the country, making set lists and  trying to rack up high scores so you can renegade panties and buy new axes.    Anyways… 2012 marks the end of the Mayan calender which is our solar system completing it’s rotation around the milky way. It’s not the end of the world, it’s the end of the era. We’re supposed to enter the age of Aquarius in 2012. And yes the Bible predicts this because the Bible is nothing but an ancient book about astrology. Armageddon/Revelations is about the end of the Mayan calender and it re-starting it’s cycle. Why aren’t you worried about this? -_Chike_

Theres been like ten of these over the past ten years; Y2K, 5/5/05, that day that all the planets aligned to the closest point they ever would.  Nothing ever happens. The Mayans just stopped writing the calendar.  Its just the guy in charge of calendars decided they’d take a break.  Or its when the Spanish wiped em all out, and they were in the middle of making 2012.  “Hey Scott, what comes after Wednesday again?  Oh shit, you got 7 fucking arrows in your ribs.”

Why don’t black people tip? -w4rlock

Because most think that the service is part of what you are paying for.
I worked in a restaurant for 15 years, and I knew black servers that wouldn’t give black people any service.  And because of this practice, the black people that would normally tip, get crappy service, and have every right to leave no tip, reinforcing the stereotype.  

What MMORPG are you playing now? -Lothar121

I play SWG, on the Chilastra server. Its not as nerdy as it sounds.  Always wanted to try a MMORPG, but never got into the elves and dragons thing. I enjoyed the Star Wars movies, so it seemed like a natural choice.
I do not regret my decision, its quite fun. Complicated for a game, but fun.

I took a drunk girls virginity last night.  I’m not proud of it at. I had no idea she was still a virgin and she asked me not to tell anyone afterwards. The worst part is I wasn’t drunk – I was driving tonight. She was coming on to me but she was pretty hammered…like I said, I feel pretty crappy about it. -borntolose1

What you did was fine.  I bet she was delicious. Good for you.  Theres really nothing like a virgin. Ive had a handful, and the residual feeling of knowing she’ll think about you forever as her first is better than the awkward sex you just had with a virgin.  You can’t buy that kind of recognition.  The fact that she doesn’t want you to tell anyone about her virginity means shes lying about it, anyway.  Get yourself tested.

is to catch a predator the best show ever or what? -lsueben

I dont like this show, only because it makes me feel bad for child molesters. They’re totally fucked and they’re just digging their own graves to Americas delight. These guys should be waving middle fingers in front of their face yelling “*** Chris Hanson, *** NBC, **** your sponsors” until the cops come.
And then not a word to the cops until you get your lawyer around.
Cause the lawyer would get you out of there with less then a misdemeanor.
Child molesters get treated like scum and rightfully so, but why cant I know if theres a rapist living on my block?  Or a murderer?  Or a car thief?   Or a guy that hits people with a nine iron when the Rangers lose?  I know a couple that were caught screwing on the twisty slide at an elementary school playground.  They have to register as sex offenders.  They are still together today to explain the situation when confronted by neighbors, but can you imagine if they were not?  What kind of life my friend (the guy) would have to lead? 

The Whats What, Volume 1

MC, you know why I dont smoke pot? For one I’m in the military and get piss tested and two, I said I wouldn’t do it while in service. Gave my word (and signature on contract). Three, me personally I cannot function while stoned. I lose any and all motivation to accomplish anything. I don’t think I will smoke pot again when I get out except for certain social functions. I’m also a long distance runner and smoke is bad for your lungs, be it from whatever burning plant.
Drinking on the other hand, that’s my bread n’ butter.
And because I’m not a hippie! -Eleven.Bravo

Sweet, I totally asked. But, since you actually did, I prefer marijuana over drinking. I rarely drink, if ever. Drinking makes you dizzy, you hang out in loud bars, shoulder to shoulder with people just looking to get laid and need liquid courage to convince their brains by beating them into temporary expensive retardation. Weed has a cool prohibition feel to it, everything is on the down low, no one really cares except for antiquated souls who think weed and crack are the same thing. You laugh a bunch and eat cupcakes, what the fuck America? This is the shit thats outlawed?

how can i get more surreal feeling in my life? i have no idea what i’m hoping to get out of this, but i really love just that surreal feeling .. that you get from a dream or something completely messed up
i think one step would be to have a soundtrack in my regular life so im gonna carry around my ipod and those trendy little headphones and just listen to the pillows and crap as i walk around apathetically -_vEi_

Im the king of this, by the way. Im convinced its the reason my hyot wife loves me. You a golfer? Buy $5 night golf balls from Tracer or NightFlyer, sneak on to a course, and go night golfing.
GeoCaching is good for this, also. People put geocaches in strange places, and its perfectly legal. Get a good walkabout GPS ($100-$250)and get to www.geocaching.com.
Otherwise, drugs are good too. I recommend marijuana and mescaline.

MC, You were in the Big Brother program? Thats really sweet. – liz112

I chose to do it as Community Service in college.
I ended up sleeping with the mother of my little brother.
Thats something that doesn’t seem right, when typed.
RIP Bobby Fischer – 54cs

As a chess fan, it’s really sad to see him go. Although his life may be a curious mystery, although some of the deeds that he performed during his life may not have been what I agree with, he was still one heck of a chess player, and, seeing to it that I’m a huge fan of Chess and have been since I was six years of age, his passing leaves me a little empty in the heart this morning. -space_thrilla
Curious mystery? Is that the proactive buzzword to describe recently deceased crazy racist assholes? Good riddance .I thought it was gross the way Dick Schaap made his name villainizing him, and then his son Jeremy jumped right on the coattails the minute his dad died. But, people shouldnt be allowed to care about dicks because they are good at a 3,000 year-old board game. Rot in hell, Bobby Fischer.

MetaCog, There has been a recent ruling in New Jersey on gay marriage.
What is your point of view on gay marriage? -loi420

I never understood why people should have an opinion on this. I don’t. I’m not involved. Its like asking what should you have for dinner. Why would I care, Im not having dinner with you? Maybe you’re an asshole, maybe we could get along, but I don’t care what your up to unless it involves me somehow. You get me involved, I get interested. Just the way I work.

MetaCog,

Did you hear about the emo girl who’s gonna stab herself with a samurai sword live on webcam? I don’t expect her to go through with it. She’ll probably chicken out, but on the off chance it does happen the internet will be there watching and waiting. I wonder if we should try to do anything to prevent this? -dayumz

What? Kill herself?
And lose all this internet fame?
Highly doubtful.

E-Mail me at Metacognitionist@gmail.com

To those following Smoke & Glasses, Welcome to the new listing.

To those finding me anew, Welcome.  I have no theme, no basis of expertise, no qualified skilling.  Over the years, people have sent me questions and I have answered them.  There is no taboo subject, but I am only as crude as the question merits.  Some claim to come for the fairness and an insight not likely to be found by others.  I do not promise either one.  Thus, its a pleasant surprise when received, and not a disappointment when promised and not delivered.

Im moving over some of the advice columns and the more popular “As it Turns Out…” to start, then well move to food and geocaching.