The Whats What, Volume 10

What do you consider your greatest video gaming achievment? -EatapusPrime

Easily having 5 people complete a full season of 175 games of All-Star Baseball 2001. We were even playing in the car during a drive to Florida.  We beat our 3 favorite teams in the playoffs too, ALDS vs. Yanks, ALCS vs. Red Sox, WS vs. Mets.  Yes, 5 people on one team. We each had a starting pitcher, our own character, and drafted players each.  It was awesome.

What is the ONE thing you wish you could have, that you will likely never get? - NYCModo

Is this a riddle?  Im going to guess that it is not, and say early retirement.

The woman you’re about to have sex with offers to tongue your ass. What do you do? -BuildCosby

Id tell her we should make out first, and then never again.

Have you ever been to a gay bar to get free drinks even though your straight? -Bollox2120

You, sir, are a genius.  Kudos. *clink*  Im man-hot.  Where are my purple courderoys? Im heading to RamRods tonight!

Are you excited for the Beijing Olympics at all? -ashmino

More like the Va-China Olympics, am i rite?  (Copyright, WMC 2008)  I’ve always loved the cryptic, acid-laced opening ceremonies.  And this year, its the chinese?  Ill need a fucking decoder ring for these bastards.

Where can I get chicken and waffles in a 98% white town? -stazz14

Ask the other 2% .  I kid. Theres a little diner round here that handles my soul food needs. Chicken and Waffles, biscuits and sausage gravy, gravy fires with cheese, Beans and greens. Shit yes.  I would suggest diners that are open 24 hours a day and will serve breakfast any time.  They’ll make you chicken and waffles, no question asked.

That Guy David Cook on American Idol is Freaking Awesome.  I loved his his insane rendition of that Mariah Carey song - MistressH8tred

Hes okay.  But whats he gonna do when he gets off Idol? He cant remake cover songs forever.  Im not on his boystick like everyone else, it seems.

Bush really is an idiot.  Did he really say “Awesome speech” to the pope? -SaurecoPal

I heard, “Thank you for blessing us with that most bodacious and gnarly speech, your total holiness.”

Should my teacher be allowed to bring her mentally retarded son to school and have him sit in class? Mind you, he doesn’t actually attend the school and this is an Honors Trig. class. This just doesn’t seem right. He’s 14 and mentally retarded. In class he watches Barney tapes and moans and grinds his teeth and occasionally walks up to his mom(our teacher) and interrupts the lesson by hugging her, moaning, touch her, pulling her, etc.  This shouldn’t be allowed, should it? -Guiltyofallcounts

That would seem like it would be distracting.  Resist the urge to sneak him candy and speed so he flies off the all one day and shes forced to find a sitter.

*The next “Whats What” will be for GTA questions only.  I’ve got enough now, but if you’ve got better questions, send them in and bump out some stale ones.  Stay well!

The What’s What, Volume 9

do yuo go clubbing? -PortStanleyRuffington

I used to, in college.  No more, though.  It lost it’s appeal quickly. Its hot. Its loud. The girls are dirty.  Drinks are expensive.  Drinks are hard to get.

I did once or twice because my friends made me. They don’t get why I hate it. They’re not really my friends anymore because they want go out clubbing all the time. I watch football and play video games. But most of the time they are hungover and sleeping from late nights at club.  Meh.

Describe the most uncomfortable sex you’ve ever had. - NYCModo31

Oh, hands down in the clearance pc game section of CompUSA.  I had pointy red racking digging into my back and leg, and the part she was holding onto for stability kept screeching with the dragging of pointy metal over tile flooring.  I launched all over the inside of her sweater (it had been turned inside out), and she had to wear that out, only adding to the uncomfortability quotient, for her anyway.  I had scratches and divots all along my back.  Mayhem.

Ok, If you could have the ability to not have to sleep, would you take it You would recieve all of this benefits of being asleep already, but you could never go to sleep?  -PieBowler

Of course.  Only idiots say no. Its a free 30 years to live.  You spend A THIRD of your life WASTED in sleep.

The Death Penalty is stupid and Barbaric. No one deserves to die no matter how terrible the act they committed was. They should suffer in prison and not be treated like other inmates. They should be made to suffer by not receiving meals, light or even a cell larger than 2 feet by 6 feet. Make them wish they were dead, dont be barbaric and slip to their level. -TimAldren

It is hypocritical to punish someone for murder, by murdering them.  Having said that, Im not about to tell the victims families what would make them feel better.  i think they should get to decide.

You know the expression that your not really dead as long as your not forgotten? What if that was true; as if you were held in purgatory or in ghostly form on earth until everyone has forgotten you. Once the very last memory of you has dissapeared and the last person who knew of you died, then you went to heaven. If that was true, our need for legacy is very dibilitating; being a President, or any important figure that’s kept in the history books will be wandering the earth forever, waiting an hoping to one day be forgotten.   So, average jo’s who do nothing with their life will have the last laugh. -BoatMealWookies

You should totally make this movie, and then prepare for the backlash from the Christian community for your claims that Jesus has not ascended into heaven. If you are forgotten there is no way anyone can learn from what you had to offer.  To be remembered is not a curse.

What do you think are the greatest sports moments of this decade? -90MPH

In order;

1.) Red Sox being down 0-3 winning 8 in a row to win their first World Series in 80+ years.
2.) Giants beating undefeated Pats in the Super Bowl.                                                             3.) Vince Young vs. USC                                                                                                       4.) Brett Favre on Monday Night the day after his dad died.

I always think “Why won’t they ever have another Woodstock?” Then I remember what happened in Woodstock ‘99.    Dear Generation X,   Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. -Hallidenn21

But it paved the way for us to hear “Ill take Rampant Tent Rapings for $200 please, Alex” someday, so there’s always that.

Last night, my 13 year old sister told me she was gonna score some weed.  For the record, I told her no.  I made her agree not to and threatened to tell our Mom if she did.  I just wanted to hear what you think of how I handled the situation.  -Windbeneathmythings

Well, now she won’t be notifying you of the number of potentially serious things she may or may not be doing in the future. I hope her considering getting high and eating smores was worth the trust in your relationship.  I’m not saying what you said was wrong.  It was the wrong way to go about it, though.

Do fat people have feelings? Everytime I walk by an obese person, I can’t possibly think that they have feelings.  Do they? -ColinInsick

Just hunger, shame, jealousy, and embarrassment.

The Whats What, Volume 8

I think I’m going to go get some steak and eggs at Waffle House. By myself. I bring my book along with me and sit and read.  Maybe I should go to Ihop instead… -omnibus

Sausage and Bacon are the only meats you are allowed to order at an IHop or Denny’s.  Couldn’t you just hit a diner and get a higher quality slice of beef?

Jameson, huh?  Straight or with coke? - Moonatic

Neither, Ginger Ale.  Did you know that a large number of restaurants do not have actual ginger ale?  They’ll just 90% Sprite, and 10% Cola your ass behind your back and not even say a word. Ginger Ale is great.  You need a good brand though; Schweppes, Seagrams, Canada Dry.  Any generic GA always ends up tasting too lemony, or too gingery.

My local chinese joint refuses to give me fortune cookies even though I ask for them The bastard think they can to deny ME!? I want my damn fortune cookies especially if I specifically ASK for them. -4emlock

Did you know Fortune cookies were invented in California?  Chinese food is actually American food?  There are more chinese food restaurants in America then McDonalds, Burger King, KFC’s and diners combined?  General Tso is a war hero in China.  No one in China has ever heard of his chicken.  But by all means, continue to get bent out of shape over a cookie with trash in the middle.

My friend thinks reading a book and listening to it on tape is the same thing. he just got done listening to a book on tape and i was making fun of him cause he couldnt read the book. then he started saying its the same thing. tell him hes wrong. -SGilliganGriffen

Have him read sheet music, and then listen to it.  Ask him if he noticed a difference.

How is porn legal and prostitution not? In both scenario’s women are getting paid to have sex. One is just on camera.  -dellimate

I’ve often wondered the same thing.  Does this mean you could just bring a camcorder with you while picking up prostitutes and get away from any sting operation by just committing to the story you need hookers for porn movies?

would you shoot an innocent villager in the face? He would be strapped down to a chair and no one would ever know. For example, an african villager. Or any country that has “villages” that don’t really have any sort of modern technology/resources to track down/solve a murder.  After you kill him you will receive unlimited wealth and bitches.  do you do it? -Blenderk

When I think of all the people I could help with unlimited wealth, then yes.  If someone could use my death to spearhead a campaign to make the world a better place, I would happily give my life.

You seem informed on the internet fads, explain ” I drink your milkshake” please. -blech2120

It was an anlogy used in the Teapot Dome anti-trust lawsuit against oil companies in the middle of last century that became popular after Paul Thomas Anderson plagiarized it and put it in their movie, There Will be Blood.  It was originally designed to rationalize stealing of anothers property.  Which is ironic, because very few knew it was a reference to the anti-trust lawsuits while they were watching it.  Or the following mayhem that ensued when everyone thought it was great.  Do you think the majority of people expected to learn a history quoteable in this obviously fictionalized movie?  So, in a way, Paul Anderson was drinking someone elses milkshake by not giving credit to the line.

The Whats What, Volume 7

Did you hear about the milf mayor that posted lingerie pics of herself on her myspace? -hreddum

I’m baffled this is news.  She also had pictures of her and her family in bathing suits on some family vacation.  Wheres the fucking news story?

What percentage of Americans do you think are idiots? -yodasteve

25%-33%.  Thats my estimation.  Did you know that 98% of Americans think that they are smarter than 50% of Americans?  Just thought Id throw that stat out there, I find it fascinating.

Why the new site? -Adamizer421

The old site said I was too popular to be there for free.  So, I left. I heard that this site, though less flashy,  would prefer popularity, hoping people coming here to read my blog, stay and make their own.  I’ve lost a serious amount of readership though.  Thanks to the few who made the jump with me.

Will Christianity still be as predominant in 2000 years as it is now? -jonezbones

Interesting question. If humans last to 4008, I think they’d evolve into more spiritual beings then religious ones.  If humans don’t make it to 4008, chances are, religion had something to do with it.

You shouldn’t do drugs.  I did ecstasy with my girlfriend last night and because of my highness and feeling of well-being I mentioned that we should have a threesome with one of our mutual friends. she got extremely upset and we might break up because of it. -Blackhole105

It doesn’t sound like drugs are the problem.  It sounds like your idiot mouth is.  If you were drinking beer, your girlfriend would have just laughed it off?  Ecstasy is a designer drug anyway.  Go with what the Earth offers.  Pills only bring trouble.

What’s the most important part of a movie? -Gh0stII

Writing, specifically character development.  If I dont care for the people or their stories, no amount of acting or special effects will cover that up.Did you brag about losing your virginity? -Black-Sailz

No.  I probably should have, seeing as I lost my virginity years before my friends did.  I didn’t see much of them when my high school girlfriends were open for business, anyway.  Im not regretful, though.  If I had to do it all over again, very little would change.

The Vatican made up “new sins”. It is now a sin to pollute. It is also a sin to support genetic advancements. Here’s  a Vatican official talking about it, because who better to consult about science than the Vatican, amirite? -CrandallWeathers

This is obviously a measured move by the vatican to gain back some of the sheep they lost from the flock.  Because nothing gets kids interested in religion more then additional rules to follow.  Funny line you got there about science, though.

My roommate found a wallet today on the ground, took the money out and threw it back down There was $101 in it. Now we have Brawl.  That is all. -HeyGrazer

At least throw the wallet in a post box.  The guy gets his cards and numbers and pictures back, anyway. I certainly have no issue with you taking the money, but at least earn it by providing the guy a solid service by returning the stuff you cant use.  Nice of your buddy to spend that money on a videogame for you both.  I went to a casino with friends and we agreed whoever won the most money would buy breakfast.  Two guys won over $1,000 and immediately started complaining about how broke they were and how this money was going to bail them out.  No breakfast.  Jerks.  One guy actually spent all the money on a date with a girl who didn’t want him.  She sure took that fancy date though.  Turns out, both of them came out losers.

As it Turns Out, I have a Tagalong Problem

Seriously.  I have eaten two boxes this season, have an open one on my desk, own two more in the freezer, and have at least 4 more boxes coming from different sets of girl scouts.  Tiny green bitches and their chocolate crack.  God help me if those Samoas solicitors are hanging around the front of any building I have to go into.  I can’t walk by without buying two boxes.  Remember that old Tootsie Roll song, “Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a Tootsie Roll to me”.  Thats me, only with orange boxes.  Those tiny little delicious disks, they’re well worth a quarter a piece.  Which, coincidentally, is about the cost of each cigarette.   Just as addicting, but if I was still smoking, Id be losing weight.  Keep your eyes on the news in June.  Ill be the one arrested for shaking the shit out of a little girl wearing a green dress, begging her for my fix.  Will I care shes not even a girl scout?  Probably after I spend a few hours in the detox tank.

As it Turns Out, Transformers are Galactic Hippies

While trying to wrap my head around the Transformers movie plot line last night, and consistently failing, I noticed the profound psychological argument embedded in Transformers I had somehow missed when I was 7.  Quick review, so the AutoBots (Good Transformers) come to Earth to stop the Decepticons (Bad Transformers) from getting this super powerful cube.  Of which the main function of, apparently, is killing humans by transforming things into human killing robots.  From what I can understand, the only reason these robots exist on planet CyberTron is to either destroy or protect humans, some light years away, presumably.  Ones name is “BoneCrusher” for some reason.  Like they know what “Bones” are, and how desperatly they are in need of “crushing” on planet Earth.  Anyway, theres a big existential debate between the good robots and bad robots on if humans should live.  One wants to kill us (for seemingly no reason), and the other wants to protect us because we deserve the option of whether to live or die.  Optimus Prime (leader of good robots) claims he would gladly give his life to save our waaaaay underdeveloped species.  He is to humans, what Hayden Panittiere is to whales.  Hes the Alicia Silverstone, standing up for those who cannot, by throwing the red paint of justice and righteousness at the evil Megatron.  And while Optimus Prime has the job of War General, BumbleBee has the only job of helping the main character renegade the panties of the most popular chick in school.  Really, this is the plot.  Somehow, one of the transformers is black.  Get this, hes the only good robot to die in the movie.  I guess they really did their research.

The Whats What, Volume 6

That show Intervention on A&E is intense . . . . . . you can watch entire episodes online now . . . f’ing intense. -tearsforbeers

Do you know how this show works? They tell the Junkie that they are doing a documentary on drug abuse, they give him/her a bunch of money to get zooted for a week, and then they televise the most personal thing anyone ever has to go through on national TV.  Disgusting exploitation.  Makes me sick of the families that agree to this.

I just watched the video of Ed Dwyer shooting himself. I don’t understand why people willingly watch these things as entertainment. You’re putting a permanent impression on your psyche by doing so. -SSgohan31

Honestly, I think that I react better in emergency situations because I damaged my psyche as a child by watching Faces of Death. Im less in awe of the situation when it arises, leaving me a clear head to make quicker, reasoned decisions.

Whenever we get into a fight, not an arguement, we basicly stop talking to each other. We don’t yell or scream but we walk around the house like neither one of us exist. We don’t say goodnight, but we remain courtous in front of our son. We kiss each other goodbye and say, have a good day and all that, but when she gets home it’ll be back to the same thing, no talking, no how was your day, just she does her thing and I do mine. 

So here’s my question. Is this healthy? Everyone fights in a relationship, that normal. But should I, knowing that she isn’t going to resolve it till she’s ready, just give in and let it slide until we can talk about it later, or should I continue to stand my ground and make her admit that she’s wrong so we can have resoloutn the the problem once and for all? -DeePiddy

Play her game. Not a word, and you can’t let her see that it bothers you. Go out when you usually don’t without a word, come home hours later and sit down in a common area without eye contact. It sucks that you both dont have the same way of working out problems, but your method only makes things worse for her. So make her method worse for her. You are already doing it now, without it being your choice. Make it your choice, and then own your choice. You are now better at it then her. When shes ready to talk, you still need time. Make her options suck for her.

Why do you smoke weed? I’m not going to try to sit here and act like some elitist douche about it all, I just don’t understand it. A couple of my friends that have smoked can’t give me a definitive reason for why they do such a thing. -projectshadow21

Because I don’t like alcohol, and I find sobriety a mundane chore.

be honest: Have you ever pooped and NOT washed your hands after? -mishtahdeeze

 I have pooped outside before, so yes, I guess.  I washed my hands when I got home.  Whats the time alottment for washing traces of poop from your hands?  I’ve never had pink eye, anyway.

Were you kidding when you said there was a sex video of you on the itnerenet? -  hayzeedayzee

Me and my girlfriend were illegally taped in a motel having all sorts of weird sex play during a trip to her prom. It was on the internet for a few weeks before the guy was caught.  I took a settlement check and had to sign a bunch of papers.  It was out there, Im sure some poeple got it to their hard drive before it was removed.  I never called and told my ex-gf.

When does McDonald’s breakfast end around you? 10:30 or 11? -E11ios

6 hours later, in my toilet.

  

The Whats What, Volume 5

I like the new site, easy to read.  I know this is old but god dam those NBA ASG jerseys were stupid as fuck. It looked like there were three teams on the court. One in blue, one in white, and one in beige. Honest to god, whoever came up with those uniforms needs to be fired. -ilikemusicmorethanyou

I completely agree. I said the same thing about three teams being on the court.  I cant fathom how there werent just crazy amounts of turnovers. I mean, its got to be confusing for this one game to look for guys in a different colour then you’re used to. But to make them different colours in front and back? Could they have possibly made it any MORE confusing?

I have to take a big dump, but im at work and cant leave the lab - chaosme

Two words, Ass-Cork.

You got thoughts on this years American Idol cast? -HacksawJim

I do.  Only that super young dude stands out.  But, he’s soooo “Aw Shucks” that its going to get old fast.  There was some girl last year, Melinda DooLittle, I think was her name.  She acted surprised when everyone loved her, which was unique and genuine, until she continued doing it into week 8.  I feel like this kid has to get that under raps or people will start resenting him.  Otherwise, Im not impressed.  When I sit down on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, Im not waiting for anyone to sing.  Im just watching the show.

When you get an erection while wearing jeans, which pant leg does your penis usually go down? -TheCytan

The left.  Its just the side the thigh holster for my giant penis always seemed more comfortable.

Lord of The Rings, or Star Wars? -dapuge

I was never into the fairies, elves, goblins, and dwarves that are the mainstay of most fantasy movies/books. Always seemed like kind of a cop out. The ultimate in “attempting” imagination.
Star Wars seemed more original, and because of that, more genuine ingenuity. I prefer Star Wars.

Do you still answer questions in haiku? -SunKissed420

Not any longer.
Prose Problems were inherent.
Just short answers now. 

Im emailing this to you from an iPhone on store display! -KandallWacks

Google Image search: goatse.  Set as wallpaper, leave quietly.

You ever watch Boondocks on Adult Swim? -pmuse

Yeah, I love it. Uncommonly complex writing.  Its like SouthPark for black people. With its ability to boil down issues and lampoon them from both sides, its satirical comedy is the perfect mesh for what they are trying to do.  Flawless execution.

I don’t see why people still believe in religion. Especially adults. It seems like you could have matured past the idea of a magical man in the sky that affects everything you do.  Grow up, people. -MrBlonde2120

I always found it ironic that Christians teach kids about Santa and God, almost together.  Both are unseeable forces that live far away; and if you are good, you are rewarded, and if you are bad you are punished.   And then, when your 10, they’re all  “We were lying about one of them.”
But the real answer to your question; Its easier to be told that your life is worth living, rather than make your life worth living.

My employer just sent me an incorrect paycheck.  I make $713 for two weeks of work.  I was sent a check for $7,130.  Whatever you tell me to do with the check, I will.  -BSchuman

Don’t tell another soul about this.  Open a savings account with it.  Deposit every penny.  Accrue interest until they find their mistake.  if they dont find their mistake by February 2010, spend everything.

The Whats What, Volume 4

Would you bang Leela from Futurama? -gazzilla8k

Probably, but just because shes a celebrity.  The one-eye things seems like it could get in the way.  How would I know if she’s winking at me, or just blinking?  The only thing that really bothers me about the situation, is that Id have Zap Brannigans sloppy seconds.  Im not sure if Im down with that.

If you had to choose what game coming out in 08 to be the only game you’d play the rest of your life which 08 game would be your eternal game forever? -conkerfan5

I know theres a lot of hype about Brawl & Metal Gear Solid 4.  But, Ill give the benefit of the doubt to R* and go with GrandTheftAuto:IV.  Seriously, Im still playing San Andreas.  Im disappointed the map is smaller and there are no flying machines.  I still cant believe that the majority of people were complaining that the game is too big.  I mean, it takes 5-10 minutes to get from your house to the Vegas strip by car.     During the commute, you probably ran over three pedestrians and lost a cop tailing you. And this was a problem with everyone?  Ridiculous.

My wife and I have had to change sex positions now that she’s pregnant, its lead to some amazing discoveries.  -omnivus

Sweet.  I will probably not be having sex with my wife while shes pregnant.  Not because I wouldn’t think pregnant women are attractive.  I just dont want to harm the baby with my immense penis.  Imagine, you’re a baby floating around your mom, “La La La, Im a little baby, maybe Ill kick today… La La La” and *WHAM* your dads penis is rammed into your forehead, several times.  How am I supposed to look my child in the eye when it comes out?  Like its not crowded enough in there, I gotta go implant a boystick into the tight quarters?  No thanks.

Do you eat McDonalds Fish Filet’s on Fridays (in lent)? -Centaurian

I don’t need to look  a calendar to enjoy a delicious Filet-O-Fish sammich.  Luckily, my God doesnt care when I enjoy the fruits of his work.  

Damn, did you HEAR? The MONTEL WILLIAM show is coming to an end in MAY I watch his show everyday at 1, except when he brings out that bitch Sylvia Brown. I bet she didn’t predict his show coming to an end this May.  - Penisocchio

Good riddance. Finally, the lowest form of accepted news medium is coming to a halt. Just an idiot with a microphone exploiting Americans for his own gain. Every single one of these shows is pompass, self serving, and anyone who is disappointed they are leaving is a sheep to the worst kind of shepard.  Fuuny line about Sylvia Brown, though.  I hate that liar.

Im not defending Natalee Hollaway’s killer but……  If the killers story is true, she is stupid as all hell.
Why are girls so ****ing stupid?’Hey im absolutely shit-faced and in a foreign country. Im going to find a random guy and drive off with him to a secluded area.’ Do women just think something like that is romantic or some ****?
Honestly, some young women are quite possibly the thickest people on the planet. -ilikefreemusic

The fact that she was drunk is obviously additional to the basic retardation most pretty girls suffer from anyway.  I dont care about her or finding her killers. Not because shes drunk, or a woman, or whatever. I just dont know her; Im not going to be outraged for her, when Im so complacent about all the other unnatural deaths seen every day on this planet.  I just want it to end so Nancy Grace shuts up for ten minutes.

Where should I go for lunch today?  -Annthym

You didnt leave any location info, so Ill just go with chains.  Red Robin, get the Banzai Burger.  I want to try the new Wendy’s Fish sandwhich.  So, theres an option.  When in doubt, the Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger hits the spot.   Im gonna have leftover Chinese food.

As it Turns Out, this Chinese Food system is Gold.

  Recently, a friend of mine explained his system for finding a good chinese restaurant.  “I only eat at places with Wok, House, East, or Tasty in the names of the restaurant.”  From that point on, truer words have never been spoken to my ears.  Everyone has to modify the system to their liking, but it works.  After much deliberation and testing, my four words for the perfect chinese food restaurant are Golden, Lucky, Panda and Dragon.  My favorite local restaurant is the Golden House in Latham.  Awesome Szechwuan, and if you like Sweet & Spicy, the Chicken Amazing is for you.  I was eating at Lucky Wu’s in Boston, and the Eastern Dragon in Ireland.  All great eateries.  Then I find the “Lucky Dragon” in Clifton Park, coming through with both names in my system, and holy god if its not the greatest mall chinese food Ive ever had.  All original stuff too, none of that Bourbon Chicken stuff you see everywhere.

Try my system, it’ll work!  Here are the rules; four words only.  Two adjectives, two nouns.  Chains (PF Changs and Panda Garden)  and buffets do not count.  Its all the same food there, either you like them or you don’t.  (Im pro chains, but very selective when it comes to the buffet restaurants.)  Take your 2 favorite chinese restaurants now.  Those are your starting names.  Now when remembering or finding eateries you like, modify your list by adding a name from the new restaurant and removing an old.  Then, when you eat at a restaurant you don’t like, you know which name to remove, and add another qualifying name from the past or a new restaurant.  At first, its alot of fiddling, but after a year or so has passed, you’ll find you’ve got a foolproof system for finding new delicious chinese eateries.