The What’s What, Volume 124

I recently got a new job and I’m going to have to work the graveyard shift for the first time in my life. I used to the typical 8am-4pm hours, but that’s going to change.  Any tips? How long did it take you to get used to it? -jjrrll661177

Sleep when your friends are at work/school so you can still hang out with everyone. It does suck to have to sleep during the day. And leaving your friends to go to work when things are really starting to get fun. But its never busy, and you can have a nice big breakfast in the morning after work and watch the sun rise followed by suckers (like me) starting their day in traffic.

Isn’t Black History Month an insult to blacks?  To me, it delivers this message:  “The achievements of blacks are too minuscule to notice without dedicating an entire month to them.” -amurrican

Thats how equality is gained in this country; selective, calculated, meaningless exclusivity.

I just watched that Afghanistan episode of “Louie”.  So good.  -anders115

It made me pity cheerleaders. They can offer nothing but to look nice. Nothing else. In any way.  At all.  EVER.  It’s all awkwardness and inappropriate comments and they have to grin it out.  The duckling was a great addition. Great symbolism throughout.

so like, what were the 1980′s like? -LBJ1230

Golden age for comedy films, transition period for music, the most embarrassing fashion of any culture of any time, period. What a fantastic disaster; Caddyshack AND rainbow legwarmers.  

When survival becomes absolutely effortless, what will be society’s purpose? Once we can create and distribute energy, food, shelter, clothes, etc etc etc absolutely effortlessly, most likely through technology, what will humans find purpose in? Especially if technology has replaced the vast majority of our jobs? -InfernalMachine

What we make of it. Hopefully, advances in quality of life for everyone equally. If divisive boundaries like religion and nationalism are still around, that’s pretty unlikely.  Not that I see humans getting to that point ever, anyway.  Spoiler alert, they don’t.

Are you afraid of death? Pain that might come along with it? Not knowing what happens afterward?-CanadiAnne

I’m not afraid of dying at all.  Death and I have an understanding.  I am afraid of losing my life. Im certainly very grateful for it and don’t ever want it to go away. 

I just fingered a girl for my first time.  And you know what? I made her squirt on my futon. I am damn proud of myself.  And when I said she should return the favor, she said she wanted to wait. And she said the wait would be worth it because she apparently gives the best blowjobs ever.  -got_oreos

A little knuckle nectar and a futon soaked in girl gravy is cool and all. But why should you have to wait to get your rocks off? Thats kind of selfish. Id be worried she was blowing off blowing you.You should have asked for at least some boobies to coat with dude nougat or something.

Your dumb.  This blog is dumb. -Joker00

English is dumb.  Shouldn’t “signature” be pronounced “sine-a-cherr”? You sign (sine) something. With your signature? Why is the g silent in one form of the word, yet hard in another?

How do you react when someone begins talking to you about religion? Do you blow them off, explain your beliefs, make fun of them etc.?  Different reactions if it is from someone you personally know and an acquatince/stranger?-ProudXBot

Even people who sit next to each other in the same church for 40 years have different beliefs. They can be just as boring or as exciting as anything else they may be passionate or passionless talking about.  I am interested in every single persons belief, until I find out that they are wicked boring or start preaching at me.  

The What’s What, Volume 123

Lol at people older than 13 who bring a glove to a baseball game. -C_HOX518

I dunno. I’ve seen a lot of balls dropped by people without them. I mean, the vast majority of balls are not caught. I wouldnt do it, just because I dont need something to carry around for 4 hours. But, I’m not going to besmirch someone coming prepared for anything, and not wanting to blow their one chance.  If I have a ticket to a game where there might be a million dollar home run ball, youd better believe I’ll bring a glove.

Did you hear about that lady giving head for chicken mcnuggets?  Best drive thru ever.  -Trezzk2

This just seems like an issue of semantics to me.  She shouldnt have been exchanging mouth party for dinner.  She should have simply asked for a meal, out of the kindness of the mans (or womans, why not) heart, to which shed be so grateful as to want to pleasure the gift-er out of her own volition and physical attraction?  If you are trying to convince some morning sex from your girlfriend and she says shes not in the mood because she hungry.  So, you grab her two mcmuffins while she’s playing Miles Davis on your bro-trumpet while you tell the red and yellow screened intercom box the order, should she go to jail?  It would be funnier if she wasn’t doing it for food.  Shes just hungry, people do what they have to. 

Brand rivalries are so fucking STUPID. Sony VS Microsoft iPhone VS Droid McDonalds VS Burger King Pepsi VS Coke  They all offer similar yet different products. Who gives a shit about which one is “better”? None of them are better than the other because they all have different strengths and weaknesses opposed to the other brand. -ChrisKamanMyMouth

But, thats exactly the point. Because they are similar products with different strengths and weaknesses, people prefer one over another due to these minor differences. Having a preference of one over another is fine, thinking yours is best for everyone else makes you look like an asshole that happens to be retarded.

How do you poop in a public restroom?  ie paper guard or hovering?  -TDKRIPHL

I can’t go barebowl.  I just can’t do it.  Cheeks-to-seat isn’t the problem, I’m no germophobe or anything.  It’s the design of public toilets.  The seating portions are horseshoes, not donuts.   I need that TP bridge to cover that little opening at the front of the seat.  If my balls or dick even think about brushing that cold porcelain portion inexplicably exposed so that hundreds of people can pee on it,  I completely rage out.  I carry my balls like a plastic bag full of groceries with no handles over that canyon.  What happened there?  Who was put in charge of this?  “The public toilet situation seems a little easy to wipe, isnt there some way to have a section of the seat hollowed out, so that no one will ever think about touching it?”  Get out of here with that noise.

I just discovered that another word for gooch is “grundle.”  For some reason I laughed so hard I cried.  -Shin.Goku

I’ve also heard it called a “taint”,  “nifkin” or a  “ballneck”.  When you work in commercial kitchens, you chafe terribly down there, constantly.  On hot days, cooks are always excusing themselves from the line to “corn starch my nifkin”.

Did you ever get sent home from school because of lice?  It was awesome. The scratching and itching was worth the free days off.  -RedBread11

Never. And I made sure to take note of the kids that were mysteriously missing from the second half of that day.

Last year there was a girl who talked to me on a few occasions. Each time this happened, I would make my best attempt to keep the conversation going for a reasonable duration of time. We never became friends though.  Anyway, I just saw her while I was on my way to class. She did a stop and chat, and she eventually asked if I wanted to get breakfast after my class was over (Who has breakfast at 11:00 AM anyway? That’s lunchtime.). I told her that I couldn’t because I had another class directly after that one. She then walked with me the remainder of the way to the class and gave me a hug before she left.  What is your opinion on this situation? What should I do next time I see her? I think she may be attracted to me, but I don’t know if I’m reading her cues properly. If she does find me attractive, then why? My social skills are almost nonexistent, so I’m probably not a very pleasant person to be around. I don’t see why she would take an interest in me unless it’s out of pity. Based on what I’ve said, is it more likely that she just pities me or legitimately finds me attractive for some reason?  -BeinChinesey

How the fuck should I know?  I don’t know either of you.  I can’t tell you what shes thinking as much as you can’t.  Stop trying to read her mind and concentrate more on getting the information you want without embarrassing yourself.  You should have teased her about eating breakfast at 11. “No, I wont go out with you for breakfast at 11am, but I’ll take you to lunch at 11am, like normal people.” Something like that. Spend lunch with her and she might be more open about her intentions. Dont be afraid to ask what her deal is. Dont fish for compliments “Why me?” junk. During a lull in conversation, mention how you arent quite sure whats shes up to. Ask her what her story is. “You super friendly with everyone, are you? Like meeting new people, do you?”. She might say No, and you know you’re special. She says yes and its “I bet that gets misinterpreted a lot, people getting the wrong impression…” Be tactful.   Most importantly, figure it out.  Youll regret not finding out.

As it turns out, the African email con-artist industry leaves a lot on the table.

I received an email from an acquaintance, telling me all about how they were robbed at gunpoint and needed some money for a hotel room and replacement passport.  It was obviously a scam and it got me to thinking how many people it hooked.  I wagered 1 returned the email honestly, if any did at all.  Then, I doubted that one person followed through with the bank account or wire transfer.  Of course, if they did, they totally deserve whatever they spend on the lesson.  A fool and his money are soon parted.  Whether it’s a Nigerian Prince, door to door driveway sealing, bad investments, or stories from your family.  Anyway, after realizing how ridiculous the scam attempt was, I started improving the racket in my brain.

Do a little research.  You have access to the marks history of sent e-mails.  Why not check out a little precedence and compose your e-mail to form.  Why is this elitist redneck who was fired from Target before going to work for her Dad in a laundromat telling me about her hard scrabble times in Spain on a “culture tour with a little business mixed in”?  Why is the girl who sends tweets with abbreviations, numbers for letters and raNDoM CaMElcAsE using words like “inadvertently” and “irrevocable” in a well crafted email?  Did her last Facebook status update of “GoIn 2 C MaH bOYeEs n CrUNk a BuNCh” really mean “I’m headed to Europe to expand my scope of understanding”?    A little understanding can expand the mark pool, is what I’m saying.

Time for a new game.  Everyone’s onto your ruse.  Flip a script.  Why not take advantage of seasonal religious guilt and cook up a phony donation email.  You know, “Hey everyone, My sister/work friend is trying to raise money for a poor family she knows with a son in Afghanistan and a daughter in a wheelchair. Click this link to help!”  The particularly awesome thing about this sham, is that it’s likely legal in whatever country is housing your servers, provided you pay the disingenuous warlord in charge of them his $40 in gold teeth and two women per month to keep the Serengeti rebelistas from mortaring your meal ticket.  People can donate their money to whatever they want.  As long as you call it a donation, it’s just a gift, an offering with no need of compensation.  Of course, if there is even law where you live to begin with.

Look, I’m just saying people expect a little more out of their grifters these days.  It’s been a continuing trend of the past millennium or so to raid your continent of anything remotely resembling a resource, INCLUDING PEOPLE.  Here’s your opportunity to gaffle back from the Evil Empire, lets give it some hustle here.  I’m talking to you. Liberians with a Tandy and a Juno account, clean that shit up.

The What’s What, Volume 122

Being unemployed is very stressful.  I currently have 7 job applications that are “live”, I’m reading a book relevant to my field, I have an interview Friday, and I’m looking for part time work every day. But I never feel productive “enough”, and any down time or break or late morning makes me feel like I’m worthless. -GrizleeTee

Needing money and searching for and holding a job are stressful.  Being unemployed is awesome.

What do donut shops/fast food places do with leftover food at the last shift of the day? Do employees get to eat it or take some home? Are you supposed to just throw it out regardless of whether you’re hungry and could use some food? Would you get fired if you sneak a quick burger instead of throwing it out? I heard it was a health code violation to donate. I don’t know why but I am very curious as to what they do with it. -GamingGerbil

Actually, it’s a very common practice for food pantries to get the days leftovers. Employees are usually fed earlier with a staff meal, especially for them. But if you are still hungry, a lot of places will cook you something to take home, so you can eat there or give to a family member. This is only plausible when the kitchen is closing down, not as likely at all if it’s just then end of your shift. Also, if you work at a chain, it all depends on the manager, and is less likely.  But day old donuts are given to employees or charities, if they ask  the right people, in my experience.

Would you make a good dictator of the world? -BeefMW

I believe so. I’m tolerant, globalist, and fair. I try hard to fight hypocrisy every day. Plus, I believe it would be beneficial to be an atheist in this situation.  I dont want the job, though. Sounds like a lot of work.   It’s not a great answer, I know.  I’d be more interested in the person who answers “No”, honestly.  That bastard has got stories to tell. 

Have you ever got a bitch that was way outta your league? -See1ngTh1ngs

I have been with girls that I did not think would be into the kind of person I am at all.  That really opened up a lot of doors.  Made me much more open to rejection.  I never put anyone in a “League”.  If they were interested in me, they were already in my league.  

Do you like V8 juice? I’m talking the real deal none of that new age fusion mess.   I ask because no one I know IRL besides my grandma drinks the stuff but I love it.  -ConcordCal

I like it occasionally. Like once a month, I’ll crave it. And I can’t eat anything with it.   I do like the Fusion, though. Those mofos taste like fruit juice. I chug 8 ounces every morning and every night.

SERIOUS VIRGIN QUESTION: How long can/should a guy hold it in when having a blow job?-LuvvableGohan

Unless you got a diamond in the rough 1%er, the blow job is only there to please you. I promise she wants it over quick, or else shed be sitting on your dick.  Enjoy her efforts, but dont waste them. If she shows even the slightest hint of discomfort, youd better finish up, or you’re chancing future offerings.

What are some cool unethical things to do? -ChrisKamanMyMouth

Cool: Trespassing on Federal or State property.  Cooler: Breaking out of prison.  Coolest: Breaking INTO prison.

Fact: People who don’t have social anxiety disorder have no clue what it’s like, even though they (falsely) think they can relate. -fullquietcasket

You could say this about anything and be accurate. Circumcision, race, gender, marriage, anal warts, a Snickers bar.  Settle down with the overdramatics.

Choose: A one night stand with the celeb of your choice or find your soulmate but you can’t have sex.   Say she has some sort of vaginal condition that makes sex extremely painful to her. Which option do you choose?  One night stand is on your bed and she leaves immediately in the morning disgusting by what took place. No chance of her staying.-Aqualead12

Great question. Assuming I am single, I think Id still go with the soulmate. Its the only available lasting relationship, plus being my soulmate, she’s in the 1%er of enjoying offering mouth party.  But, I dont believe in soul mates. So, I’ll take Reese Witherspoon and her greatest regret honors.

When you last made dinner, what was it? -CanadiAnne

BBQ boneless pork ribs, Mac n cheese, Baked beans with bacon and maple syrup, Corn on the cob, Toast and pickles

hey today show, “heaven is for real for kids” isn’t a news story.  kid had a near death experience and went to heaven! better put them on national television.  family: “we’re not trying to profit from this, we just made a kid’s book, a young adult novel, an adult novel, and a full length movie.”  plus, hey, did you guys know jesus is a big white guy who wears a giant golden crown? -ILoveLED1080

Jokes on you for thinking that Network morning shows are coming with any kind of journalism, what so ever.   Theres a reason 90% of their programming is dangerous kids toys, cooking segments and the national weather.   Read a paper, online.  If you want Paula Deens latest meatloaf recipe, sensationalized “news” raped of all context, and Matt Lauer skiing down sand, you knock yourself out. But, you’re complaining that the Prohibition documentary you’re watching on TV doesn’t have enough trivia and cash prizes. You are watching the wrong show for what you want, is the point.

The What’s What, Volume 121

SRSLY. Is the Queen REALLY majestic? i mean, why bother referring to her as “majesty”? Is she a magician? I doubt it. She’s no more majestic than a ham sandwich or a $6 whore. Come on, it’s utterly ridiculous. -TECMOfan

Royalty is outdated and slightly embarrassing for a culture to invest in, I’ll give you that.  The Last Royal is going to be a hero, for giving the fantastic buildings and resources back to the people.  It certainly seems ridiculous to have a fancifully decadent family of people around simply because their parents were also fancifully decadent people for no reason.  Having said that, comparing the Queen unfavorably to your lunch or mother certainly isnt called for, and it won’t do on my shred of the internet, sir.  It will not stand, indeed.

If you ask your gf’s parents for permission to marry her, you’re an asshole. Real Talk. It was used as a sexist way of basically passing ownership of the daughter onto the new husband. It’s an embarassing tradition that should be done away with. -Talk_Puncher

Now, it’s just a tradition of courtesy.  Which doesnt seem so bad.  When it happened for me, I had asked if my wifes father had done it.  He had, so I did.  If I have a daughter, I won’t care, though.  Its her decision, even if I hate him. 

Man robs bank for $1 so he could be arrested and sent to jail for free medical health care.  I knew this would happen sooner or later. It’s ironic how prisoners get free medical care, but citizens don’t. -LJBinder

Coincidentally, my third novel, the one never published, was about a guy who did this because he lost his job and lady and his life sucked. But because of the incompetence of the small town cops and general population around him he just kept successfully robbing banks. He eventually meets another woman and gets a nice job from her brother, but then a young deputy puts the pieces together and the guy gets jailed. His lady then studies law and files an appeal to get him out under some non-violent loophole. Its unsuccessful so she breaks him out and they live happily ever after.  It’s part non-fiction now, apparently.

If suddenly chickens were able to communicate to us in english, would we still eat them? -PeonLowalski

I bet they’d go great braised, and drizzled in a cranberry comprehension.  Mmmmmm, linguistilicious.

Lips are even smackier, slams are even dunkier. -RamboSpice

It’s the ping to the pong, ding to the dong.  McDonalds commercials are by far the largest exporter of mouth farting in advertising history.  If you haven’t seen the pre-Monopoly McD’s ad where some hipster goes spoken word on the awesomeness of McNuggets and their new sauces, you are missing out. On rage.

Judge people much? There is a huge point of regular people talking about politics. It helps shape the public discourse.  Ever hear of the court of popular opinion?  No, I don’t have any connections to politicians or news sources, so I won’t directly create any changes, but indirectly I am subtly shaping the public discourse of those around me, which as a whole will get back to politicians and journalists. -amurrican

This sounds like something people tell each other to convince themselves they aren’t wasting their time. Discussing politics brings negativity to something that has absolutely nothing of value to be gained. In my experiences, it leads only to people trying to talk louder than each other.   You aren’t changing anyones mind, or else you wouldnt be arguing.  So, the people that you are yelling at that DO know influential politicians or journalists (less than .01%) still aren’t influenced by you.  When you talk about sports and weather, very rarely will things get awkward and judgments of character are made based off of answers of opinion. 

Every man should try a single blade razor and a shaving brush.  You’ll never want to go back! NEVER! -C_HOX518

Recently I grew tired of looking like John Adams, so I shaved my hair and now run with the skin helmet.  The first time, I was surprised how easy it was to do using a Gillette Mach 3 without looking.  So, I might get there at some point.  A straight razor.  I’d love to give it a shot and become proficient with one.  A better shave, undeniable cachet, and the chance to defend my family against home invasion, wearing nothing but a towel and a half-grill of shaving lather.  COME GET SOME, TERRORISTS.  Not only did I just round-house your cheeks, but your last eyeful of the afternoon was of my terrycloth hoop skirt staging a balls and taint pageant, a fucking nut puppet show to relive during your 20-to-life stint.  But seriously, I’m gonna have a straight razor from a professional barber a few times, first.  That sounds nice, and I’d get what it’s supposed to feel like down.  I tell you, I’m considering your recommendation. 

This seems like as good as place as any to bring up a recent conversation with my wife.  Imagine my pride when she didn’t bat an eyelash as I said to her “I want you to prepare yourself for something I’m going to try with my face this winter.”  It actually took me a couple times to say the sentence fully, without having to stop for laughter.  But, I got through it and she took it like a champ.  I grow a beard in the winter, usually. But, now that I shaved my head, I have to consider where the beard is going to end at the top.  So, I introduced my plan to keep a half-inch of trim around the top of my ears and immediately trademarked “beard goggles”.  It’s coming.

The What’s What, Volume 120

Sorry about that last eyesore last month.  My computer broke and I had to use a formatting system I was not familiar with for WW 119.  New computer, back to normal.  Thanks for reading.

Back to collapsing, hey Red Sox fan?  The Yankees really rubbed shit in that open wound for you. -BroncksBombaz

First of all, I don’t get the strategy. Why let the hottest team in August (Rays) have a dramatic, emotional, playoff clinching win over you? Doesnt that worry you? You are feeding an awesomely hot team emotion the day before the postseason.  Why don’t you want the Red Sox in the playoffs?  They wouldnt have made it out of the first round.  I’m not sure you want to be playing the Rays again next week after they run through Texas.  Secondly, I wasn’t even all that upset.  It was more shock of the amazing baseball drama of what 10 runs over 2 games in a ten minute span can bring.    Seriously.  Im very grateful for the recent success of Boston that makes this moment of failure recognition nostalgic.  Just a riveting hour of baseball drama last night. On to cheering for underdogs, I still love baseball.  Let someone else have a parade.  Cool by me.

Which is more fun to cut? Vegetables vs Meat -Animadopt13

Cucumbers, zuchini and bell peppers are the funnest thing you can practice knife skills on.  Also, whenever Im butchering against the grain, I couldn’t help but get occasional visions of the animal still fuzzy and cute as I was cutting through something that would be pretty painful if it were still alive.   Their deliciousness rationalized away those thoughts pretty quick, though.  And the fact he wouldnt have a life at all if it wasnt for human consumption.

If you’re turned off by girls with tattoos or multiple piercings or ones that smoke, you need help.  They’re the hottest.  -BuoyWonder11

They aren’t necessarily a turn on either.  But I wouldn’t let any get in the way of caring about someone or being interested in someone.

So I’m dating a girl with Genital Herpes, What would be some good things to know or good reading material about the subject? -Crunx1056

She’s made haphazard decisions regarding access to her vagina in the past.  You will find it difficult to feel special in any way.  Don’t get genital herpes from her.

Dammit, I’m home alone, and there’s a big storm coming. -JustaStageName

The way you worded that makes you seem like youd be safe if Mommy was home to protect you, or something.

If Chipotle served Breakfast Burritos, would you buy them?-ChrisKamanMyMouth

Havent been lucky enough to have Chipotle yet.   But I love me some breakfast.  I would try one, for sure.

oh the joy of English weather-mastermonin

I was disappointed when I spent a week in London and it didnt rain once.  I never found DangerMouse, either. It was quite a disappointing trip.  It’s ironic that I essentially said: Nice weather + No rodents = Bad Vacation, but thats what happened.

What did you think of the Entourage finale? Felt like the show had run it’s course, but finales always make me sad. Heard a movie is def. in the works…but also heard unconfirmed rumors of a Ari Gold spinoff based on the finale scenes,  hear anything about that?-FoleyIsGod92

Terrible. The series started with movie politics and hollywood insider information, and ended up with three relationship angles like a dog-damned soap opera and everything wrapped up in a pretty bow just in time.  Eric and Sloans relationship is okay, apparently, because everyone lied to her face about E sleeping with her stepmother. Awesome closure, writers. I’m sure that relationship will last forever.

Is the title “Barista” really necessary?  You make coffee, motherfucker. STFU and go get me some.  They’re not any better than fast food workers. -InfernalMachine

Are any titles really necessary, though?  Maybe Doctor and Officer, that’s about it.

Do you believe that things happen for a reason? -CatPunchOneTwo

I believe that effects have causes, but in the religious/cosmic/supernatural sense I feel like you actually mean, no.

When you see a commersial and then buy the product, do you think that you’re responsible for your own decision or have you been so affected by the commersial that it’s not your fault that you bought the product?  As you probably understand, this was just an example, but this example can be used on MANY things.  Are we always responsible for our own actions or can we shift responsibility to media, marketing and other people who affects us daily? -ArkyLoLogist

Of course. People made the decision to buy the product based on the information presented in the commercial.  The commercial didnt choose anything. If it did, there would be no need for commercials.

Why do we care so much about seeing the console itself? As if the shape and size and color of the thing will somehow make it that much better or worse. -chaunni

I’ve never really cared about console design though. As long as the disc fits and isnt too loud, fine by me. Sure, lights and sleek design are nice and all, but I’d rather have a cardboard box that works over purrdyness.

Since when is it not okay to be a fan of players instead of teams???? Isn’t it the players that draw you to the teams, hell even the sport itself. ESPECIALLY when you live NOWHERE near any market of ANY team in ANY sport like I do… -BragginSlayer

Always, it’s always been uncool. Investing in a team should come with lows and highs, but you support them regardless.   Teams are about community, athletes are about themselves.  Very few people follow Darko Mlicic.  Millions follow the Warriors.  It’s for a sad person who knows nothing of loyalty, and everything about investing in a person who doesnt know you exist. 

What would happen if NBA players had to call their own fouls like in pick-up? In pick-up ball people get majorly looked down upon if they call too many of their own fouls and there tends to be a general agreement when a foul was actually made. Maybe you can have 1 ref on a monitor to settle disputes kind of as an arbitrator. Do you think NBA would be able to hold each other accountable for BS flops, or would they abuse the system?  INTERESTING TO PONDER NO? -anders115

Nope, not buying it.  When there’s hundreds of millions of dollars at stake, you better believe the situation would be a complete disaster.

The What’s What, Volume 119

Who would win in a fight to the death: Jack Bauer or Jason Bourne? Set up the fight anyway you choose: location, weapons, etc. Doesn’t matter, you know these two are going to end up finishing the fight in close quarters probably hand to hand anyway. Bourne, hands down.  Bauer is too emotional.  David Webb is a quiet tank.  Jack Bauer is lucky if he sees it coming. 2 weeks ago I told the cute co-worker chick that I’d give her a ride to the airport. I figured I’d get some bonus points for being a nice guy.This past week she friendzoned me. I think she realized why I offered, so she decided to compensate me by giving me a barely used air conditioner window unit for free… -amurrican “I’ve decided not to let you into my vagina, but thanks for playing. As a parting gift enjoy this brand new Whirlpool Air Conditioner! Be sure to think of me when you are cool on a hot summer day.” Why do most NFL fans seem to hate Rex Ryan and the Jets?  We haven’t won a Superbowl since 1969 and if Rex Ryan was the coach of your team, you would love the fact that he talks smack and shows so much confidence in his team. -nuttyitalian88  I dont like the Jets, but I like Rex Ryan. He occasionally tries too hard. Like dressing up as his brother or doing Belichick impressions. I understand it puts the sports writers on his good side, but its pretty unprofessional.  Takes away focus. Who wants cream? Nobody?  Okay, no cream. -PeonLowalski Eat the soap, rookie. Show him up. Take a bite, rook. C’mon….  Eat it, eat iFOR CHRISTS SAKE, GIVE ME THE DAMN SOAP Rate existing as a human being on planet Earth/10 -monkeyh00 10/10 if my options are existing as a human being anywhere else.  It’s a good start to a question, but there arent enough details.  I think you want me to rate my life experience, but then why not ask that?  If I am to die at 70, should I not rate my life at 5/10 since its not half over yet?  Gun to my head, 10/10 because I dont want to be ungrateful for what I have. What’s the most amount of $ you’ve ever given to a homeless person? -Bronzemonkey I once gave a homeless person a lobster tail with truffle mac n cheese. Spent $40 and ate three bites.  Cash, though? Maybe a buck or two. I was always giving homless people food, when I lived in the city. Theres this one guy whod open doors for people at the Store 24 in Kenmore square, and I’d always ask him if he wanted a drink or a snack when he opened the door for me.  Ever play a game and halfway into it, u realize you have no clue wuts happening in the story? -etsallgood189 Sure. Metal Gear Solid 4. I shut off pretty quickly on paying attention to that mayhem.  Honestly and unfortunately, I dont understand a lot of Japanese storylines. There seems to be a lot of reliance on “if supernatural all-powerful object were to fall into the wrong hands….”  I’m certainly not accusing them of not enough effort, good lord.  Those cutscenes went for HOURS.  Everyone who played the game knows I am not exaggerating.

Can you buy pepper spray in a store for self-defense?  Just wondering after hearing about my friend getting mugged on the weekend by three guys at once. -acekhemist42 That depends.  Did he have any warning that pepper spray would have helped, or are you just going to get your pepper spray taken from you during your first mugging? Plus, factor the cost of pepper spray against how much money you have in your wallet at any given time.  Don’t buy a $50 can of stuff to protect 3 singles, $1.42 on a DuDo gift card and a picture of your cat.

The What’s What, Volume 118

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Why so negative on critics? -Lightfroodom (and like 4 others this year)

I’ve taken a lot of heat from people who like to read reviews and use them to make decisions on the movies/music/food they are going to ingest. Most bloggers and  journalists call themselves “critics” when they are actually “reviewers”.  I have no problems with critics, and have only read a few in my life.  Everyone is talking about reviewers, let’s make that clear.  And for the most part, I’m slightly offended that they think their opinion is more important than any other person.   On matters of opinion, seeking someones out who doesnt even know you exist is pretty retarded, in and of itself.  I concede the information earned is useful.  To me, it’s about as much worth as asking someone on the street what they think, and I don’t find it an efficient use of my time.  If I really wanted to make it worth it, I’d have to invest hours of months reading a target critics past reviews to see if they jive with my opinions.  Or I could ask a few friends what they thought.  This only has the maximum possible effect of raising or lowering the bar of my expectations.  Why so little stock into friends opinions?  And heres the important part.  Because I’m going to see the movie, AND MAKE MY OWN DECISION ANYWAY.   I would much rather have a couple disappointments in exchange for happy surprises, and in by doing so, I’ve doubled my life experience regardless of the outcome.  Unfortunately, you  have either completely limited your scope of opinion by watching only movies you like, or have wasted your time reading reviews because you are watching bad movies anyway.  In short, the time you waste reading reviews can be spent WATCHING THE MOVIE.

You’ve got so many weirdos in show business that encourage people to be weird. And they’re not being different because they ARE different, they’re being different because they WANT to be different and they WANT to stand out. They’re not even being themselves, they just want to be unique, so they act weird. In my opinion, this kind of crap is contributing to the corruption of television, music, any popular culture medium. People aren’t programmed to be as competitive as before because losing is ok. And don’t worry if you’re fat because you should love the way you are.  Let me know if you agree with me or think I’m an ignorant ass. -Razkizzle

I’m with you. Now that there’s so much variety, and its becoming more and more accepted, the only thing for tomorrows generation to get noticed in this way is to turn up the volume on the craziness.  Granted, being different for difference sake is a copout, because its admitting that you dont have any redeeming qualities to show off, but that’s not going to stop you from being an attention whore, so the only way to get noticed is to act like something you aren’t.  When people do things for “shock value” I find it offensive to people who are actually different trying to get accepted.   It’s counter-productive, and only exists because people want attention.  When the people who are different, just want to be accepted.  Kind of sad, more than anything, really. 

what is it called when you go by one name, like Pele and Madonna? Mononomial?  Mononomous?  -LBJ1230

Egotistical.

Do you enjoy spitting in the face of God after everything he has given you? -RamboSpice

I don’t see my form of atheism as disrespectful.  I don’t pity Christians, I envy them.  I continually hope and pray that God fills the requirement of proof that he instilled upon me so that I may follow him. My heart is open and patient.  In the meantime, affix any label you wish to me, if it makes you feel better about yourself and the choices you have made.

What do you think would be the most epic magic trick that David Blaine could do to make beleivers out of you and everyone else? -HackneyandChase

Break into the Oval Office, and he should expect and serve jail time or else I’d think it was an inside job with help from the Secret Service.  He wouldn’t even have to do it live on TV or anything.  Just a CNN breaking news story that David Blaine was arrested after President Obama went into work in the morning with a paper and a cup of coffee, and David Blaine is playing fucking Minesweeper on LapTopOne.  I wouldn’t be a believer, I’d be a disciple.

my parents left me seven dollars and the house to myself WHAT DO I DO -ButtersBrown

$7? Are they THAT poor or are you really THAT untrustworthy?

Happy Birthday!  Who’s your favorite person born on the same day? -CanadiAnne

Thanks!  I got a great list of celebs; Patrick Stewart, Harrison Ford, Cheech Marin, and Tony Kornheiser.  Harrison Ford is probably the most popular, but ever since I saw Patrick Stewart on that episode of Extras, he’s raised the bar to new heights of personal respect of acting performances.  Even Cheech was the best character in what is the greatest chick flick of all time, Tin Cup.  Just a strong showing from Bastille Eve.

Would you date a girl who wants to wait till marriage to have sex?  she loves you very much, and you love her as well. your relationship is perfect and you get along amazingly well, and she’d never do anything to hurt you. however, she wants to wait till after marriage to fuck. what do you do? -OprahsEvilTwin

Yes, because the three times I have been in that exact situation I’ve consumed their virginity like the Highlander in, at the longest, 6 months.  Didnt even need any pressuring. One of them even had crippilingly religious parents, and was devoted herself. It’s a confusing time for girls. All they need is one train of thought one day when you are already molar deep in her. One wavering thought, while your knuckle deep in her hopper, and it’s over.  One slight consideration of “Okay” among the hundreds of times you are pleasuring her, and she convinces herself while you are busy with your mouthful, you win.  Go get you some.  Plus, if she’s perfect she’s worth marrying.

What do you think of people claiming that it was the editing and context that made Billy Mitchell come out looking bad? -fullquietcasket

They are probably right.  I’m sure some of his more endearing scenes made the cutting room floor.  That being said, when your parents are telling camera crews that you have constantly manipulated situations to your own benefit, it’s a pretty damning character testimonial.

If we found out Osama Bin Laden went to Heaven, would that change peoples religious beliefs? -quartermohican

I figured he’s knuckle deep in his 72 virgins. He doesnt get heaven, he wasnt Christian. He was martyred by the Western infidels and he gets the Islamic versian of heaven.   He played by the rules of his religion, he saved up the stamps, he gets to redeem them for the slide whistle.  It’s how religion works. You win the prize of the game you play. You don’t get the Stanley Cup for winning the Super Bowl.

The What’s What, Volume 117

Why do so many MLB players not swing 3-0?  Very often you’re getting a fat meatball of a pitch down the middle of the plate. The highest level I ever played was HS ball, but I always swung 3-0 if it was a good pitch to hit. This always bothered me that MLB hitters just pass on what is likely to be the most hittable pitch they’ll see in the whole game.  -VendinglyIlluminated

I completely agree. They should, AT THE VERY LEAST, be expecting a meatball to crush. I see alot of 3-0 meatballs that go by because the manager demands another click to the opposing pitch count. I’m all for working a pitcher long, but also have never understood the pitch count argument in that situation.  I get the “next two pitches might be a ball” angle, but still feel like the rewards are worth the risk.

Why do men who pose for Playgirl do so without boners? I mean if it’s without boners then it’s kind of not telling the whole story. -Trezzk2

Good point, never thought of that.  My first instinct is to note that it would seem like people whod want to look at pictures of naked men for sexual arousal, would want those men sexually aroused.   But, whatever. Not my canoe, so I’m not wasting any time paddling.

Fuck you, Texas.  I dunno why but I felt compelled to say that. -Tricky70930

I had a fair time when I went. The people were nice enough. And the BBQ, while good, I’ve always preferred the saucy version of Tennessee and the Carolinas. I also disagree with some of their politics, but it’s a fine place and I’d welcome the chance to go back.

 Is it acceptable to eat dessert after lunch? – somerandomguy

I say Yes, unless you’re fat.  Then, you are inviting ridicule.  You can wait an hour or so and call it a snack, legally.  Of course, this is all hinging on the fact that it’s a lighter dessert than one would expect at dinner, since lunch is a lighter meal that dinner.  You can’t have a cup of soup and a bakery tasting sampler at the break room table or anything.

I Showed My Gynecologist Friend, Who Specializes In Women Over 70, Your Blog Yesterday…He said it’s the worst thing he’s ever seen.  -Adsimbenefits

I am shocked bordering disbelief. Why a doctor would focus on a human organ that doesnt work anymore is completely over the scope of my understanding. What kind of gynecologist specializes in the elderly? The malfunction rate on a human female 75 year old uterus has to be around 100%. It’s like rebuilding a god-damned BetaMax. Even if you get it working, theres nothing you can put in it. Wait. Not the best analogy. Hold on. It’s like calling a mechanic for that car you have under a tarp in your garage for the last 20 years, but it runs on moon rocks.  Why not deliver babies? Why not try to give a middle aged woman the chance at motherhood? Seems counter-productive to me, is all. Not only is that gross, but he must suck.  He just slides off their panties, takes a dust buster to the wrinkly cooters, tosses in a couple moth balls and charges Medicare $300?  I hope you didnt let him use your keyboard.  I kid, tell him thanks for reading.

SCENARIO: You can ENHANCE one part of your body with CYBERNETICS.  Which body part do you choose?  Which body part do you choose?  Derk@_Derk@

While it would be very cool to have super eyesight or hearing for the rest of my life.  Can I cheat and wait until something starts to fail, and use it on that?  For a guaranteed second lease on life for even the slightest amount of time?  I’d do that.  What a rare gift.

I know hes dead and everything but Greg Giraldo wasnt that funny.  this i only my opinion of course….maybe i just didnt understand his schtick.  -OffenseSupplied

While I enjoyed his roast work, people overstepped his impact and success in the days after he died.  I can’t blame them, and it’s am amazing common phenomenon.  Don’t let it get to you.

Should I buy a Kindle? -prusion3126

While it’s my favorite stand-alone e-reader, not if you can hold off. The prices have continually decreased since their inception. Eventually, people believe it will be more cost effective to give them away with the purchase of 5 books, or opening an amazon account or something.  Unless you are getting an iPad or a tablet to does other things, hold off as long as you can to save hundreds of dollars, and gain years of technological advancement.

People who aren’t registered organ donors shouldn’t be able to be put on an organ waiting list.  They shouldn’t be able to receive donated organs if they aren’t willing to do the same.  -BroncksBommahs2

This isn’t a take-a-penny, leave-a-penny pot luck supper. Usable organs should go to those that need them, end of story.

The What’s What, Volume 116

What does the secret service do if someone comes to arrest the President? Nixon was the only one who got that close to being arrested in modern times, but I think the SS would probably arrest and secure the president if he was suspected of a crime.  You?  -sng197

What are you talking about? The secret service would arrest the President? Under who’s authority? They only exist to protect the President. I think the Secret Service has probably been witness to several crimes a President may/may not have committed since their inception with Lincoln. If anything, I bet they have a right to be guarding the holding cell and in court, should the President ever be in one.  Lets be serious here.  If anything, the police would have to schedule an appointment with the SS that they be able to arrest him.  Or all an assassination would take is a cop uniform.  The Secret Service are pretty much god-tier security.  They’re personal bodyguards with authority and access.   You don’t shake the Presidents hand without getting eye-humped by thirty of the most cagey, resourceful killing machines in the country, and you expect Officer McGillicutty to waltz into the Oval Office and snuggle cuffs on POTUS?  Get the fuck out of here with that noise.

Who’s the best detective? This is not a fight this is who’s better at solving crimes. Batman (DC), Mystery Inc. (Scooby-Doo), Adrian Monk,
Sherlock Holmes? -SonicJester

Out of those? Sherlock Holmes.  Entire Pool?  Jason Bourne.  Honorable mention for effectiveness and hilarity, Sean Spencer.

Do people actually expect to get away with tax evasion? I mean, I don’t know the statistics behind this or what really goes into evading taxes, but it seems really stupid and impossible to not go to jail for. -bigAL13

With the amount of paperwork you have to fill out for the government when you get a job, you would think it would be tough to get away with.  However and apparently, it’s crazy easy to get away with. Have you ever noticed all the TV commercials offering to cure tax problems? I know dozens of people who dont pay their taxes. Professional kitchens are kind of seedy places, though. I wouldnt recommend it, but it gets done every year by a shocking amount of people.

The “Fat Boys legitimately pioneered rap music into white culture”?  Really dude?  REALLY DUDE?!?! -BROntasaurusMax

Perhaps you aren’t familiar with a little ditty called “WipeOut” of which was collaborated with THE FUCKING BEACH BOYS.  You DO NOT get any whiter than the Beach Boys.  They were popular in the 50s and shit.  By “pioneer” I meant one of the first.  They may not get the recognition of the Beastie Boys, Eminem, RUN-DMC, and Will Smith; and for good reason.  Those three had alot more influence bringing rap to white people, but I stand by calling the Fat Boys “pioneers”.

Smoke & Glasses!  Play my favorite game!  I’m so hardcore _________ -WireHorse

When I was a kid, I molested priests.

What preconceptions do you have about the five boroughs of NYC? Also, the landmarks (if any) you associate with them.  -MasterBastard

I have been to NYC a handful of times, but I couldnt tell you which borough I was in throughout or anything.   I believe the majority of my experience is in Manhattan.

ManHattan – Ritzy (Times Square, Ground Zero)
Brooklyn – Nice parts outnumber crappy parts (The Bridge)
Bronx, Queens – Crappy parts outnumber fancy parts (Yankees, Mets)
Staten Island – Shit Hole (Dump)

Whats the worst way you’ve ever been dumped?

In front of my friends during a board game. I don’t remember exactly how it all went down, but we were playing Life and she said something like “When you have kids one day, I hope its with someone with green eyes, too.”  The ensuing fight that resulted, she told me that we couldn’t have sex anymore until she gets her STD results back. It was super obvious she cheated on me, but she couldnt even bring herself to tell me. When she did tell me who she cheated on me with (only because she was blackmailed into it), it was 20 minutes after I had shaken his hand and told him it was nice knowing him because she didnt want me to cause a scene.   It was something.  She absolutely owned me.  She probably laughs about it in the bathtub and tells the story to her friends.  She got me good.